Sick at heart for letting things go this far.I have no home, I feel like I am in Limbo.

Dragged my feet about coming home until 2 p.m.
No sooner left Ed's driveway and the tears came. Every song seemed to mean something in my life (past or present.) Came to the fork in the road about five miles from Ed's where one road led to the campgrounds and the other led home. If I wasn't the person that I am, I would have gone up to the motorhome to be alone and cry until there were no more tears left. But NO, a voice tells me...what would that solve. Tears fell here and there along my ride. Feel "a river" backing up inside that wants to be released. Moreso now, that I did get to talk some to Jill and now I feel worst.
I did make the choice to go past my street to go to the graveyard some miles beyond and put the flowers and solar lights on my husbands grave that I have had in the trunk of my car for a few months. Some tears were released, but not those that have built up behind the dam. The cemetary workers would have called 911 if that happened.
Home....
Noticed the car gone. Walked in and as I passed my grandson Gil's room I noticed Jill laying on his twin bed with Gavin at her feet writing in ballpoint pen all over his leg. When I inquired as to why he was drawing on his leg with ballpoint,  she jumped up and saw what I was talking about and whisked him into the tub.
Soon after...she mentioned that Tracie had been here the day before and parked in the driveway for a good three hours and sat in her car. Occasionally she called the house. Gil was home, Jill was not. He did not answer her. I won't leave you in the dark about this as it's insignificant to me and my problems, but I started to tell you so...Long story short,  eventually he stepped out to see what the hell she wanted (she needed help moving stuff and Gil told her he wasn't a mover). She had called my cell around 10 a.m. the day before and I didn't answer to her. I didn't need more shit laid at my feet and on my shoulders.
Somewhere in telling me this story, Jill mentioned she didn't need to hear her/Tracie's problems as it added to her depression. THAT was my opening. I told her I was depressed and she asked why. I tried to tell her why and did get to say a few words as to why and even said the words that some of my kids are always asking for help and I worry how they too will manage when I die... when...my daughter Cheryl comes through the door with her daughter Shayla and her daughter's useless boyfriend that has been a star boarder in her household for a few years because...Shayla threatens suicide if he is made to go and Shayla is in so much pain daily and his company is her only surviving grace. Yeah...another sick situation, but I digress.   They had just come from Shayla's psycologists appointment. Shayla needs to see her as she is depressed and they were lucky to get a cancelled appointments time. From...what I gather , Shayla has been seeing this person for some time and NOW since she learned she has this disease ..Mitochondrial Disease that might shorten her life she needs to see her psycologist even more. I'm thinking...what about me.
Ma, I'm on fumes and I'm out of toothpaste again, she says. Without her asking me directly for money, I head to my purse and get out the $41 dollars I've had in it for weeks and hand her $40. I did ask her what would have happened if I wasn't home. She replied she would have asked Jill for a few bucks to get her back home. Oh yeah....like Jill works and has money of her own. Okay...I won't go there. Decided to keep the buck for a McDonalds soft serve ice cream tonight. At present food is far from my mind. After they left, I did get to talk about my fears of her not being able to make it after I am gone and she lit into me about how I have changed and how she hears from me all the time that this house is going to be sold and she will be kicked out, etc. etc. She used words I've never used and told me she will NEVER be able to support herself. She and some of her siblings have been effected by my choice of husbands and I did not protect them. I had a terrible abusive marriage and put up with it and it effected them and made them emotional cripples. . My late husband never spanked her. My son Randy...he did. He never struck me. Yes...he was verbally abusive to me. She went on and on about HER FEELINGS and told me I again let her down by not speaking up to Ed ( did not protect her from another man is how she worded it)  the night her bedroom door was kicked in. He called her a whore, she said and she will never speak to him again unless he apologizes. I told her that Ed never used those words and he will not apologize. He did say something in reference to a man being here at 1 a.m. that I had never met , but he never used that word.
She admitted it wasn't the "whore" word, but whatever he implied was the same thing. She turned the entire thing to him and how some of his own kids don't speak to him (my mistake for ever telling her that) and how I don't know him, don't know what he has done to his own kids to make them feel like they do, etc,etc. With that, I agreed, but I did tell her that three of the five do speak to him and he always provided for them as a father.
Me talking to you here...I see the many,many pictures of them all taken through the years, camping, Christmas, Easter, etc. I'll never know if he was Father Of The Year, he worked many hours as most fathers do,  but he was a father in the sense that he remained committed to his marriage and to raising them. His dad left him. His dad also told him that he was a mistake ( even though he was conceived in matrimony). Talk about being HURT!
My own dad was no Saint , but he raised us. THAT should count for something! It did with me. She was quick to point out that my three siblings didn't feel the same.  True. None of them were "perfect' and have/had skeletons in their closet that they would not want known to people. Yet...they judge! Jill forgets that her son Ryan was nine when she re-married and that husband mentally abused Ryan.
He still remembers the hurt he felt during those years.
She told me that I hurt her with my words. HUH! I never raised my voice, I didn't say cruel things. I just told her I wanted to see her as being able to take care of herself before I died.
I feel so hurt inside. I asked her why she thought I deserved to suffer for the rest of my life. If I got an answer, I can't remember as it was then  that her son Ryan came in from work to pick up Gavin and they got in a conversation...................................................
I remember asking her how long she thought the money would last if it kept being spent at the rate it's been. I didn't even notice that one of the charges was for gas that wasn't for her car. She told me that Gil once again took the card while she was sleeping and gassed up one of the catering trucks that my son in law let him use for the day. Seventy eight dollars and some odd cents he took to fill it up.  BUT... she tells me in the same breath that once again she keeps the ATM card locked in the safe at night. Me here... yeah, until she has too much to drink and forgets to lock it up again.
Right now...I feel like getting in my car and heading back to Ed's, but what would that solve.

Ed called to say goodnight and asked how I was doing. He knew/knows what I am up against and gives me support in the only way he can. He loves me and hurts when I hurt.
I told him what Jill said about him calling her a whore. "I never", he exclaimed. I explained what went down to him as best I could. Same here in My Diary, but what was said was much more and I think I have blocked some of it out or my mind is going. My daughter thinks that she is hurt. What about me??? 
Now Ed says he is uncomfortable about being around her and I let him know that I am going to be the only one that suffers if he doesn't come to my house any more. He lightened up on his stance. Yes...I know how I would feel if it was one of his kids that made me feel unwelcomed, but if he stays away... in doing so...she wins!
So many emotions are running through me.
What have I ever done in "this life" or a "past life" to deserve this.
SO...I am to believe that my daughters psycologist thinks that I AM THE PROBLEM! Because of ME, my daughter is an emotional cripple that can't make her own way in this world??? Sure, I realize she has no skills so her earning capacity is limited, but surely she could have met a nice man (not where she hangs out though) and maybe married again. She told me some years back that by the time she was 50 she would have met a good man and be married and settled in her life. When I reminded her of that today after she said she would never be able to care for herself, she snapped " so I was off a few years."  She hurled some words at me when the phone rang and I saw the name George come up on the caller ID and asked why that drunk still calling here. I can't have friends, she exclaimed.  So am I to believe that George just wants to be her friend. She has slept with him, gone on a trip with him and has had him here in her bed in between breakups with Butchie aka Whine Bucket. He's her age and looks like he's in his seventies. If she continues on the same  path, so will she. In amongst everything I reminded her that she herself said she has a reputation in this town and would have to meet a good man somewhere else. She denied ever saying that. SHE DID!
I have a great reputation she exclaimed. Me here....Yeah...well, I watch whom I tell that she is my daughter these days. Why is that. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
SO...Ed and I are going over my afternoon and both of us are feeling crappy...when...who comes to my door, but Tracie. I heard Gil telling her lies about where I was ( out with Ed) , where Jill was (asleep) and where he was headed ( to work.) She left saying she would be back by. WTF!
I was in no mood to confront her then. Will I ever be???? She catches me at the wrong time and..... it won't be pretty. I shit you not!
I put up with enough shit from some of my own kids.
I want to do so much here at my home, but my heart just isn't into doing those things that I loved doing once. 
I've done mostly nothing since I have been here as writing this down has taken up most of my time. I need to put some things away...orderly. I brought a bunch of stuff I'm not using at Eds home.
I wanted to watch recorded Bacherlorette shows and get up to date on that. Maybe later. I wanted to iron some of my summer things. I dump everything into my purse and never seem to find the time to straighten it out. It's to where I don't carry it into places with me, I just remove my wallet and leave it in his or my car. It's a Monster!
I am so slack in every aspect of my life. Once, I cared... Once, I had energy.
Now, I do only what is neccessary...if that.


I've lost something precious to me today. My daughter Jill. Once upon a time, I was telling people that I had the best relationship with her of all my children and ......what happened??? Nothing remains the same. JUST when we reach something....it seems to retreat.  Here today...gone tomorrow.
That's life. You take one step forward and two back.
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be where I am in my relationship with my daughter. NEVER!

If I plan to accomplish anything, I best take my leave here and get off my ass. It's almost 8 p.m. Once again, it seems like I lose my appetite when I am here, but I' m a big girl in more ways than one. Can stand to lose a few pounds. I'll make up for it tomorrow...if I know me.


(((hugs)))

This is TOMORROW! All I've gotten done is a four page letter that I typed to Jill. I've been at it for at least 4 hours. Some things weren't said. I'm sure I'll remember them down the road, BUT the important stuff was. It seems "chicken shit" of me to just leave this letter lying where she can see and read it, but at least she won't be able to turn it around to me and leave me confused and denying her accusations.
It's almost noon, I've talked to Ed a few times and told him where I am in my day. He is feeling helpless, but he knows I need my space and he gives me that. What I wouldn't need is to have pressure on both sides.  He loves me and of course worries that I will leave him to chose to be miserable at home trying to make things right with Jill. I can't do it! I can't do that! I won't do it!
She has CHOICES just like I have had. It killed me to write that I wouldn't be there for her when she hit bottom. It was her CHOICE, not mine.
My bed needs making, I need a shower, haven't eaten and there are stores I want to go to. I researched on how to clean the lichen from the headstones last night and want to go buy some Wet and Forget at the hardware store to spray on the headstone. It was an education reading about what To Use and what NOT To Use on granite headstones. Did you know that once you have them clean....some mineral oil on a rag will shine them up beautifully if your granite had a shiny surface when you purchased it.  Heard the other day from a sales person at the Dollar Store that mineral oil makes opals shine like heck. She was admiring my opal ring at the time. Now I have two good reasons to buy mineral oil. Ordered a beautiful red rose headstone saddle of flowers on Ebay for our headstone ( Lady In Red was our favorite song to dance to.) Each time that I buy flowers to put on his grave, I chose red and always say to him, 'from your lady in red." . It is full and splays over to both sides and my mom, dad and his brother Jimmy are on the back side of the headstone.. Mike will have been dead one year this July 23rd. I miss him terribly...with all his faults.
While it's nice to be able to sit here at my computer and wallow in my pity, there are things that I must do. I went to bed at midnight, got up at 6:30 ,I think...or was it 5:30 and I haven't done much to show for it. Just began a second cup of coffee. The tears are flowing..... not just for myself.
My home isn't something that I want to come home to any more. Nothing is here for me, except hurt.

That's All Folks!