the craziness has left my life....you'd be DEAD WRONG!
Jill left at two to return the rented suits and I didn't see her again until 9:30 p.m. Pie Eyed...I shit you not!
Called her around 4 to see where she was and was told at the VFW for a few drinks. Would be along soon.
Called her at 6 and her voice gave her away. Sloshed! I'm sorry,I'm sorry, I'll be right home, she replied to my concerns and worries.
Nine fifteen Grandson Gil asked for my car keys to go pick her up. Next thing I heard was she refused to leave her car there and got out of the car and walked back to the VFW. Then...drove it home. When she came into my bedroom...I BLEW! I shit you not! I told her to get the fuck away from me. And of course ....she tried to put me on the defensive....she wouldn't shut her mouth...I threatened to call the cops and she more or less dared me to. "Her dad dead three days and I'm doing this." Correction...it was four days. "Why am I doing this to her." "It's the grief talking." So much, much more. Most of it UGLY....throwing up to me what I do for some of her siblings, yet I'm tired of doing for her. So much shit she hurled...most unwarranted. I did make it known that I am damned tired of all that make me miserable....not just her.
This went on until eleven and I heard from Tracie that she was making herself rum and cokes. YEAH...I said Tracie. My son from FL no sooner said his goodbyes to me around seven and as he was walking out the front door...she was coming in. :0( Of course....she witnessed it all. sighhhhhhhh
She left at eleven. I heard Gil's voice rise in distress/fear more than a couple of times up until midnight. Once I heard him say, "what are you trying to do mom. Burn the house down." Others.."what are you doing?" "Lie down, mom." There were times I was wondering if I would have a house left....but exhaustion won out over my fear. Slept four hours...then another one.Up at five.
CHANGES. There needs to be CHANGES! I am damned tired of living the way that I have been. I shit you not! I told her that either she changes orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr she screws it up for her kids.
I told her that I needed a 'helpmate'", not someone killing me.
Do you think she will remember when she wakes up????????????????????????
My feet were so swollen and hurting last night. My right knee that I injured getting into the ambulance sometimes causes some serious pain and walking is painful. I feel OLD! I shit you not! Every time I stand to walk...I limp.
After she didn't come home after my six p.m. call, I started and finally completed a free LonelyHearts Club thingie. YEP...my daughter is RIGHT, I've lost my mind. Of course if I pay money, I'd get better results....so ME THINKS that I will be getting NO RESULTS. It's a Come On, I'm sure.
IF NOT....who knows. Maybe I'll meet a nice guy my age.
My son from FL took me up to the Town hall yesterday to see the Veteran Agent about getting a marker for the foot of hubby's brothers grave so that he can get a "flag" placed on his grave every Flag Day by the VFW volunteer ladies. IF I had known what to do...I would have done it years ago. sighhhh Hubby always made sure that we went together and placed one there for him and this year I did it for him as he was too sick or in the hospital. I can't remember which. From the Town Hall we had to go and drop a form off at the cemetary. Drove by the grave heaped with flowers on our way out. Kept a "stiff upper lip". That's what I have been doing and I so badly want to cry my heart out.
I know that I will scare myself when the floodgates lift. I shit you not!
6:30 a.m. and the rest of the house is sleeping. Just remembered that I haven't made my first cup of coffee.
I had a dream close to when I woke.
There was a man amongst others who came to offer their condolances and his face was so sad. He told me his wife recently died and we talked.....and we found our way into each others arms....and,and..and. Damned FUCKER couldn't kiss right. Kept his lips too hard!
Psssstttttttttttt...we won't be seeing each other again.
YEP...I'm loosing it. I shit you not!
(((hugs)))
That's All Folks!
I AM WOMAN! Hear me ROAR! February 2012
WARNING !! Not for those with a short attention span. ; 0 )
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
D D REGRETS
More than a few.
Wish I had been more tolerant with my hubby...been more empathetic.
Wish I had known that these were his final days here on earth.
Wish I could do it all over again, BUT of course I can't and foremost I WOULD NOT WANT HIM SUFFERING ALL OVER AGAIN.
(((hugs)))
That's All Folks!
Wish I had been more tolerant with my hubby...been more empathetic.
Wish I had known that these were his final days here on earth.
Wish I could do it all over again, BUT of course I can't and foremost I WOULD NOT WANT HIM SUFFERING ALL OVER AGAIN.
(((hugs)))
That's All Folks!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
D D I am dreading today
It will be so hard to see him laid out. So very hard. I don't want to, but know I must.
I keep getting pissed at him for not wanting to live. I'm angry at times and at other times...not so much. Recently I heard someone ...a nurse or doctor say after they saw his significant weight loss in a year that he had Failure To Thrive. I've heard of Failure To Thrive in babies, but not adults.
Maybe it was the VRE in his bladder that he sucuumbed to...maybe his bladder was tired after all his UTI's and weakened /diseased from the urine retention. Maybe,maybe,maybes.... YOU JUST CAN'T SAY " I WANT TO DIE " and do it!
Looking back, I can see that I knew that this day was coming....and soon, but I denied it. I have so much guilt! I could have made his last days better. YET, I acted like we had forever. Like...each day was just another day, like many others. I wish I had the chance to do it all over again...and make it better for us. I would if I could.
Just staying poised to bid on an AirForce dress uniform at the last minute at 11:15 p.m. back in May, so I could have it to lay him out in, tells me I knew. Buying the rest of the uniform, his medals. YET...I still didn't see it. As I lay in bed this morning I thought....he always told people he was the middle of nine. It came to me that he is also the middle of nine to pass away. Last night it came to me that his younger brother Jimmy also passed away on the 23rd of the month. That date was Nov.23, 1977 and he was buried on the 26th; my husband's birthday.
My Randy's birthday was yesterday, the 24th. He turned 55
(((hugs)))to you all for your kind expressions
That's All Folks!
I keep getting pissed at him for not wanting to live. I'm angry at times and at other times...not so much. Recently I heard someone ...a nurse or doctor say after they saw his significant weight loss in a year that he had Failure To Thrive. I've heard of Failure To Thrive in babies, but not adults.
Maybe it was the VRE in his bladder that he sucuumbed to...maybe his bladder was tired after all his UTI's and weakened /diseased from the urine retention. Maybe,maybe,maybes.... YOU JUST CAN'T SAY " I WANT TO DIE " and do it!
Looking back, I can see that I knew that this day was coming....and soon, but I denied it. I have so much guilt! I could have made his last days better. YET, I acted like we had forever. Like...each day was just another day, like many others. I wish I had the chance to do it all over again...and make it better for us. I would if I could.
Just staying poised to bid on an AirForce dress uniform at the last minute at 11:15 p.m. back in May, so I could have it to lay him out in, tells me I knew. Buying the rest of the uniform, his medals. YET...I still didn't see it. As I lay in bed this morning I thought....he always told people he was the middle of nine. It came to me that he is also the middle of nine to pass away. Last night it came to me that his younger brother Jimmy also passed away on the 23rd of the month. That date was Nov.23, 1977 and he was buried on the 26th; my husband's birthday.
My Randy's birthday was yesterday, the 24th. He turned 55
(((hugs)))to you all for your kind expressions
That's All Folks!
Monday, July 23, 2012
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