the craziness has left my life....you'd be DEAD WRONG!
Jill left at two to return the rented suits and I didn't see her again until 9:30 p.m. Pie Eyed...I shit you not!
Called her around 4 to see where she was and was told at the VFW for a few drinks. Would be along soon.
Called her at 6 and her voice gave her away. Sloshed! I'm sorry,I'm sorry, I'll be right home, she replied to my concerns and worries.
Nine fifteen Grandson Gil asked for my car keys to go pick her up. Next thing I heard was she refused to leave her car there and got out of the car and walked back to the VFW. Then...drove it home. When she came into my bedroom...I BLEW! I shit you not! I told her to get the fuck away from me. And of course ....she tried to put me on the defensive....she wouldn't shut her mouth...I threatened to call the cops and she more or less dared me to. "Her dad dead three days and I'm doing this." Correction...it was four days. "Why am I doing this to her." "It's the grief talking." So much, much more. Most of it UGLY....throwing up to me what I do for some of her siblings, yet I'm tired of doing for her. So much shit she hurled...most unwarranted. I did make it known that I am damned tired of all that make me miserable....not just her.
This went on until eleven and I heard from Tracie that she was making herself rum and cokes. YEAH...I said Tracie. My son from FL no sooner said his goodbyes to me around seven and as he was walking out the front door...she was coming in. :0( Of course....she witnessed it all. sighhhhhhhh
She left at eleven. I heard Gil's voice rise in distress/fear more than a couple of times up until midnight. Once I heard him say, "what are you trying to do mom. Burn the house down." Others.."what are you doing?" "Lie down, mom." There were times I was wondering if I would have a house left....but exhaustion won out over my fear. Slept four hours...then another one.Up at five.
CHANGES. There needs to be CHANGES! I am damned tired of living the way that I have been. I shit you not! I told her that either she changes orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr she screws it up for her kids.
I told her that I needed a 'helpmate'", not someone killing me.
Do you think she will remember when she wakes up????????????????????????
My feet were so swollen and hurting last night. My right knee that I injured getting into the ambulance sometimes causes some serious pain and walking is painful. I feel OLD! I shit you not! Every time I stand to walk...I limp.
After she didn't come home after my six p.m. call, I started and finally completed a free LonelyHearts Club thingie. YEP...my daughter is RIGHT, I've lost my mind. Of course if I pay money, I'd get better results....so ME THINKS that I will be getting NO RESULTS. It's a Come On, I'm sure.
IF NOT....who knows. Maybe I'll meet a nice guy my age.
My son from FL took me up to the Town hall yesterday to see the Veteran Agent about getting a marker for the foot of hubby's brothers grave so that he can get a "flag" placed on his grave every Flag Day by the VFW volunteer ladies. IF I had known what to do...I would have done it years ago. sighhhh Hubby always made sure that we went together and placed one there for him and this year I did it for him as he was too sick or in the hospital. I can't remember which. From the Town Hall we had to go and drop a form off at the cemetary. Drove by the grave heaped with flowers on our way out. Kept a "stiff upper lip". That's what I have been doing and I so badly want to cry my heart out.
I know that I will scare myself when the floodgates lift. I shit you not!
6:30 a.m. and the rest of the house is sleeping. Just remembered that I haven't made my first cup of coffee.
I had a dream close to when I woke.
There was a man amongst others who came to offer their condolances and his face was so sad. He told me his wife recently died and we talked.....and we found our way into each others arms....and,and..and. Damned FUCKER couldn't kiss right. Kept his lips too hard!
Psssstttttttttttt...we won't be seeing each other again.
YEP...I'm loosing it. I shit you not!
(((hugs)))
That's All Folks!
I AM WOMAN! Hear me ROAR! February 2012
WARNING !! Not for those with a short attention span. ; 0 )
I don't know what to say. I don't want to harp on Jill, but, by golly, couldn't she show a little respect and concern for you? I know people grieve in different ways, but this is a pattern with her. And we wonder why Gil is like he is? Poor kid has to babysit his mom all the time.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is know that I am here if you need to talk. This is a difficult time for you. What about a trip to your son in Florida just to get away from it all for awhile?
Mary
Here's a thought... if you're already supporting Jill, figure out a dollar amount, and tell her to move out... you'll give her that much every month to stay the hell away.
ReplyDeleteYou can love her from a distance.
((hugs)) I can't do anything to help you with all that's going on in your life except to send good thoughts and hope that things improve for you.
Let go and have a good cry. I do it in the shower, your in my thoughts sweetie.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. This is a time when people should be supporting you and not making you more upset. I think you're going to have to really figure out what you want the rest of your life to be like and who you want in it. You might have to think about cutting ties with some people and then not worrying about what happens to them. I know that would be hard for you but if you don't take care of yourself no one else will. All of your children are adults. I can see helping them but it seems like you are unappreciated for the things you do. That's just not right.
ReplyDeleterun...run for your life...
ReplyDeleteWhen my Sarah died the SIDS counseller told me that night that crying is so good for us, it releases the hormones that start us on the road to healing and I've never forgotten that. The tears will come when you're ready and you need to just let them, they won't break you, far from it, they will help you. If we weren't meant to cry we wouldn't have the emotions in our DNA to allow it.
ReplyDeleteAnd it might just let everyone around you see how much you are hurting and how scared you are right now and they might just wake up to themselves and be there for you as they should be.
One day, when you're ready, I'd love to read some stories about you and Mike and the good times that you had before he was incapacitated. It might help you too, to write it down and relive it.
Lots of love and hugs from me.
I like Ami's idea.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have one more thing. My ex used to always say, "You never bother talking to a drunk. You'll just get frustrated, and they'll never remember it in the morning."
This would be why I barely talked to him the last two years we were married. :)
(((HUGS)))
Cry!!!
ReplyDeleteDamn! That Ami has the best comments!!!!! And Foxy is totally right about the crying. Hell. You don't even need me anymore!
ReplyDeleteI say.....work on your dreaming. I am and always have been a world class dreamer-mostly nightmares. But I have had some really cool ones too. Yeah. Sleep more. Love you!
Let it all out everyone is right it heals! They also have grief counselors that get together with a whole group of people who have just lost a loved one like you. I have been told that this is such a wonderful thing and you get support from everyone. Take care of yourself, Hugs, Pearl
ReplyDelete