D D I pissed hubby off

when Kathy the home health aide said his heels were worst. Told her he refused to put lotion on and was using his exema cream ( RX'd for his ears ) instead...saying it worked better and he didn't care what the nurses told him to use. To Kathy he claimed that I told him not to use the lotion...it was not his idea to use the exema cream on his heels. It was mine. BullShit I told her. He will go to his grave blaming me....that's just the thick headed Irishman he is!  Hubby and his home health recipes......sighhhhhhhhhhh
Did you know....that putting Head and Shoulders dandruff shampoo on his pre-cancer sores cure them??? Me neither!   He keeps an old pill bottle with that shampoo in his nightstand and swears by it when I tell him it isn't doing him any good.  If that shit did...then why does his dermatologist have to burn these pre cancer things off with liquid nitrogen every so many months??????????????????
He just told Kathy that he was told never to use that lotion I handed her on an open cut. She explained his heel was scaly and was not an open cut. Watch....as soon as she leaves he will do what the efffff he wants. He's his own worst enemy! I shit you not!
Kathy just left...time for me to shower and look ALIVE. I'm going to be good to myself and go to the chiropractor.  Looks like young Gil has taken off .....if so I'm still going even if Jill isn't back by then. If hubby doesn't STAY PUT on the bed....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well!

Son Randy arrived just as I was leaving. Has put a hasp on the gate. No more lifting cinder blocks :0) YAY! 
He also fixed the shed door. It should be good for awhile if not longer if people don't leave the door open and the wind gusts taking it off the hinges.  Then he left :0)
Filled my gas tank while I was out. Was down to a quarter of a tank. Holy Shit! $46 to fill it. How are people making it?????????? Some people could put an entire weeks pay in the gas tank just to get to work and back. It's outrageous!
  Once back home Jill and Logan were back home. Now we wait for the results to be read before a decision is made on how to proceed.  sighhhhhhhhhhhh

Just nuked myself a leftover pork chop and veg's and made hubby lunch. He isn't keen on leftovers. 
He likes to say that I could eat shit if it had gravy on it.  I've come a longggggggggggggggg way from my picky eating years and I'm proud of myself.  I was so damned fussy when I was a teenager. What us kids heard out of dads mouth didn't help. Salads were rabbit food, etc., etc. Dog shit was another description of something healthy mom made for a meal. He never ever got over being a fussy eater.
If he didn't like what she made...we took our que from him. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Mom was like I am now...only more so. She liked the part of the turkey that went over the fence last, liver, cottage cheese, pickled pigs feet and more I can't think of right now. I still have not tried those foods except for liver a few times and it's not high on my list.  Oh, dandelion greens is another one I haven't tried nor desire to.  She would go digging them up and cook them for herself.  Ahh another one comes to mind. Rhubarb. She loved it even raw.

It's nearly two p.m. Even if I haven't done much today I feel the need to lie down and hopefully nod off.  More to come later.

Didn't haul my ass out of bed until five.  Shame on moi!

It appears that Logan has no stone , BUT they ( the doctors office ) called and want him in the hospital to get antibiotics through an IV for a day or so before this infection spreads to other areas in his face. What the HAY??????? Infection in his saliva glands ???  How common is this???


Saturday.
Today is decision day. If no better, Logan goes to the hospital to be admitted. She has to work at four.
Arrangements were made for his step mom Julie to sit with him when Jill has to leave for work.

Hubby made many trips down to Jill's room yesterday while I was napping. :0(  Didn't expose himself, BUT his vocabulary was disgusting. Makes me sick to my stomach. Won't repeat it. She told him it wasn't her that he was having sex with. Must have been mom or a dream to which he protested nooooooooooo it was with you.  SOB....... a sick one at that!  If it's dementia,  I need to know that.
AND...if it is Dementia....what can be done, if anything? ?????????????????????
No call from the V.A. Mental Health person yet.

Stayed home last night. Tracie called on her way over and I asked her to pick up a small pizza. She stayed until ten. When I made moves that I was ready to call it a night, she took the hint and left. :0)

It's snowing out this morning. Forecast is 3 to 5 inches. Yuck!  My best friend in AK has a couple of feet on the ground. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Nothing has been found yet that can pinpoint why she had a stroke. Possibly plaque broke away that caused it. She has some in her cartorid arteries, but not enough to warrant that surgery. Stress Test to be done soon.  Some days I wonder if we will ever get to see each other again. :0( sighhhhhhhhhhh

Must make myself rise and putter. Can't think of a better description of what I do around here..
Last night wasn't as good as some of the other nights this week. Maybe I had too long of a nap yesterday. Very well could be.  Hubby woke me for his pain meds.  Logan woke his mom at 3 a.m. for his pain med.  Poor kid. He's heavy on my mind.

Ten a.m.

Update: Logan has viral mumps which is very rare since he did have the mumps imunization. As of today at ten a.m. it's been decided that he will stay at home and be treated with the antibiotc and pain med as this has to run it's course.

Hubby made a trip down to Jill's bedroom while I was busy writing in my diary earlier .............he had no idea that Butch was in her room and when he realized he was after he spoke inappropriately to her, he began to shake and almost fell down.  Too efffin bad he didn't !  As hubby departed Butch said, "that language is inappropiate." NOW I ASK....if he knows he did wrong, how can this be dementia??????????  He is showing no outward signs of worrying that they told me what went down.
WTF!  I'm sick at heart. I shit you not!


That's All Folks!

D D Presently my thoughts are on my grandson Logan

Jill got the call that an opening was available and just cleared a path to her car and brushed the snow off to take him to get a CatScan.
He woke in terrible pain this morning. He is on a liquid Oxycodone, 12.5mg every six hours. Logan has difficulty swallowing pills, thus the doctor took that into consideration and gave him the liquid form. :0)
She hid the bottle in my room last night. Hellofaway to live, but she made the mistake of taking her son Gil with her and when she went into the grocery store afterwards she knew she made the mistake of leaving it in the car with Gil. Upon entering the car she lifted the bottle out of it's package and noticed some gone. Gil denied touching it. OF COURSE!
She knows he took a gulp of it and she also knows he won't admit it.

The morning for me....is flying by. Kathy the home health aide will be here at ten. It's after nine now.
All my days FLY BY! 
I put guilt on myself for not being more productive. Hell...one hundred years from now, who will know that I became lazy in my old age. That's my mind set presently. 
Who will also know that I cleaned a potty loaded with shit this morning.
Well........now YOU DO! 
Good thing I have a strong stomach and drive to continue caring for others. Heard you don't GET, MORE than you can handle.
   The flexion distraction table adjustments and the muscle relaxant and 2 Tylenol sleep aids are giving me a pretty good nights sleep. Have an appointment again today at 11:30.
It's been a long time since I've driven in the snow. There is only a few inches on the ground and I only drive ONE MILE each way. I can handle that.
    Hubby hasn't had any pain med in the middle of the night for two nights now. I've slept GOOD and if he woke to use his pot, I didn't hear him. :0) He asked me this morning if I gave him his pain med during the night and I FIBBED.  He doesn't remember getting it.

Must get busy .....can't fake a shower or dressing. If I could, I WOULD!  ;0)

That's All Folks!

D D Xrays of my neck a low back have been taken

My ex boss, a Doctor of Chiropractic thinks he knows what is wrong with me.and will read my xrays to confirm it. He thinks I have Spinal Stenosis. May need to have cortizone injections in my spine or things will only get worst. Every symptom that I am experiencing ...points that way.  Looked it up online and YEP those are my symptoms.  Mary my friend.... if your sciatic pain persists go see your doctor.
Once Sandy tells me on Wednesday what he found, he will point me in the right direction. :0)

I asked Randy again today about oxycodone effects. What he explained to me is: If you take it in low doses, it is for pain. High doses such as from anywhere from 80mg on up to over 300mg you can PERFORM IN BED for hours and hours.   Think about it...224 ( an entire months supply)of 5mg oxys were gone pretty quickly before my grandson Gil stole at least 50 more of this months RX  All my reserves .... .from the times hubby was hospitalized ARE GONE. If I manage to get through til the twenty seventh...WHAT HAPPENS if I can't get ahold of his primary to okay that drug in time for his next dose???  Just when I was able to breathe easier about hubby getting down to the wire on his oxy... THIS HAPPENS!

Managed to nap today after getting back from my chiro appointment.:0)
 Hubby hasn't been doing too well. Keeps feeling sick and I know in my heart it's because he isn't getting his correct dose of oxycodone.
Haven't felt up to doing any housework and apparently Jill didn't feel good either, because she spent alot of time in her bedroom and is still in her pj's.  Her B/P meds she takes makes HER TIRED.  Her doctor appointment isn't til later this month.

Wednesday January 18th

Where to start.........................................
Sandy did an adjustment on me  Monday using the flexion detracrtion table that freely swings your hips from side to side...and for two nights I have had far less pain. The pain in my rt.upper arm ( shoulder ) is excrusiating at night though.
I'm leaving now to hear what the xrays revealed. BB

It's now Thursday afternoon.  Sandy referred me to an orthopedist that specializes in Pain Management ( cortizone injections ) for one and the bad news is, I can't get an appointment until Feb 13th.
The last two discs L4 and L5 are just about sitting on each other. Same up in my neck and I have quite a bit of arthritis in my spine too.
Tuesday and Wednesday night I had far less almost no pain in my legs after I was adjusted with/on the flexion detraction table. Not only was I amazed and happy, so was Sandy and he gave me the same adjustment Wednesday, plus adjusted my arm and I had far less pain in that area last night too. That makes me a HAPPY CAMPER. I shit you not!
   I've had so much sensory bombardment that when I can get away from the house I grab at the chance.
Jill cooked last night a big meal for us all including her oldest son, his wife and they brought the baby . Looked like a great meal, BUT...............I talked Tracie into passing up the Chicken Parm ( she had that the night before at Good Times. ) We went to Walmart, then to my Cheryl's house to give her the sheets and things I had for her and then on to the restaurant that her husband works at that we would pass by on the way home as by this time it was 8:30 and we would never make it to any of our favorite places to eat. Dana was working and when he got a break I handed him some money to get 4 tires and insurance. 
Bless him...he blessed me. Cheryl called to thank me today.. He was out getting two  new front tires, ( the tires  for that van cost more than I thought they would) so he figured he could only get two tires, they have two years of excise taxes to pay before they can insure and register their car and his drivers license expired six months ago.  Gads.,..things were worst than I thought!  A grand isn't going to cover this...., but one step at a time. Baby steps. 

As I said earlier, I am constantly being bombarded with stuff my brain is rebelling against. I putter...I nap.
Not to worry....I am in less pain. It's just my mind that needs a break now.

Hubby has a UTI. Did I already tell you that?  Drove myself to the V.A. Clinic to pick to pick up meds and asked to talk to his doctor. Was told ..maybe he could talk to me at four and even that wasn't a guarantee. It was 3:15 . Can I help you....was asked by the male nurse at the desk. About then...I didn't care who was within hearing distance in the waiting room and I told him what had been going on with hubby. He never heard of oxy causing that and went to confer with hubby's primary. Comes back and says, neither has he. Would you like to have a consult with a mental health person, he asked. OHHHHHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSSSSSSS. One will be calling to set up an appoinbtment with me first.  Let's see how long tis takes. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Logan has been in some serious pain ( jaw/neck area ) and the anti biotic he was given by the doctor that her ex's wife takes him to hasn't helped. Yesterday he had to be picked up from school and he no sooner came in the door and I heard him say," I don't care about the $100 dad promised me if I missed no school with you mom." All last night he was in agony. She called his ex's wife to learn the location of the doctor they take him to and got him an appointment.. Two doctors conferred and agreed he is worst. Jill just took him to an ENT they referred him to . She wanted no part in waiting for an appointment and insisted they find her someone that could see him TODAY.   She also was told he needed a C Scan and they could find no openings. She told them she don't care if it's 3 in the morning. Cat scans are done some places 24/7 and it would be better to be with him at 3 in the morning while they do a c scan,than up listening to him cry in pain. She will take ANY HOUR . 

It's going on five p.m. and I must give thought on what to feed hubby. I'll eat the ck parm and stuffed shells. Enjoyed my salad earlier. 
Truth be told...I'm getting lazier and lazier. I am sitting between a war XBOX game being played by Gil in the parlor to my right, the washer and dryer noise to the front of me and hubby's tv ( Judge Judy ) behind me.
THIS I heard someone say on tv today is.being a part of a family. Oh golly gee!
Dryer signalled that I have another load of clothes to fold. Could be worst and dryer could be broke. 
I'm looking at the clean pj's I have laying on the table waiting for the ambition to shower. 

Took one of my sons muscle relaxers and two Tylenol sleeping pills before bed last night and slept WELL.
:0)
This too shall pass and I will be my old self...whatever that is :0)
Meantime , I'll try to read your posts and comment. You all are important to me and so is what is going on in your lives.

That's All Folks!
(((hugs)))Pat

D D I'm OK ! I'll BB !

D D It's 4 a.m. . The pains have driven me out of bed.

No position is PAIN FREE. All seem about equal.  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Even my hips hurt. Time for THE GLUE FACTORY!
It helps that I got a nap in yesterday between 7 and 8 p.m. WHICH I didn't think I would get to do.
Son Randy and his girlfriend Debbie came from N.H before noon yesterday. ( a 30 mile drive each way)  Him to re-install my old HP desktop puter that was intended for Logan. I'm thrilled to be getting my old HP back and it goes without sayin that Logan is thrilled to have the IMAC. He,Randy forgot something at his place and had to go back....leaving Debbie here to keep me company and give his ears a rest. Hey...his words.  Another CONSTANT CHATTERER ...she is.  I had visions of laying on my bed...watching nothing in particular on tv and hopefully nodding off.
INSTEAD , I sat at the kitchen table with Debbie. Debbie has a PERPETUAL WHINE to her voice. She is in constant pain from a work comp injury of fourteen months ago and STILL has not collected one W.C. check or got any medical help since the intial injury.. Her attorney was an ASS and wanted her to settle for 3K OF WHICH did not even pay for her medical bills , LET ALONE the salary that she missed in a years time.  She fired him and has never got another attorney. LET ME EXPLAIN HERE...Debbie is NOT ALL THERE UPSTAIRS!  I have learned from son Randy that she has even MORE ISSUES upstairs, than he does. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Anyway.......I heated up a Heat Pack in the microwave for her...and one for me and we both nursed out pains the better than an hour that Randy was gone. I did not want to BE RUDE and leave her sitting alone. :0(  As soon as he came back.... I hit my bed.....invited Debbie in to watch Randy work and she sat in the computer chair.  OH, I must mention here that I took money from my wallet to give to Randy for all the gas he has been using to travel here and back and he REFUSED IT, saying that I have done enough for him.  HUH! Am I dying and don't know it??? He not only runs between here and home, but he goes to other hardware/lumbar companies to get what is needed for here and he himself is living on SSI and if I'm being truthful here and know in my heart....he IS STEALING!  NO WHITE WASHING IT!  I shit you not!

Side tracked here. Hubby just woke maoaning and groaning and yelled " what did you do? Put something on my ass? "  He IS IN PAIN! Oh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
There was no way out of it. Had to give him 2 oxys. Up until now...the one oxy had been working.
When I hand him all his meds ( 3xs a day...I can put just one oxy in amongst THE MANY OTHERS. Not much you can do when he knows he just takes 2 small oxys by themselves during the night. Eleven more days before I get his new supply.... what will I do??? His primary warned me for the first time ( last visit )....he WILL NOT replace them if I call and say I lost them or give him some other excuse.
Hubby is asking me now...why didn't I wake him; what time did I get up; am I trying to punish him?
Lied and told him for the exact reason NOW. Wanted quiet time. Well,,,it's HALF TRUE!
The punishment part never entered my head.   I KNOW PAIN only TOO WELL LATELY!
The other half was I was hoping he wouldn't need these two ovys.

Where was I...............oh. Mr OCD Had to get a basin of warm water and clean every surface, including the top of my large wall tv cabinet that was made back in the day that tv's fit into a certain dimension and a door would close to hide it from ones vision ( if you so desired. ) We NEVER DID! Not that I minded my son saving me from getting up on a step stool one day...wayyyyyyyyyyy down the road ;0) , but I did so want to see him finish and GO HOME. sighhhhhhhhhhhh   He began to put things back up after he washed away the DUST, but I stopped him telling him that I would arrange the stuff the way that I wanted to arrange my stuff. TY, but NO TY. :0)  It took forever as it was... then there were 26 downloads WAITING to be installed. MORE DOWNLOADS TO BE DONE TODAY too. He waited around to make sure the computer automatically re-started once the downloads ended or it had to be manually done.  Oh BOY!!!!
Not.... the happy Oh BOY utterance. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    5:15 a.m., hubby is quiet. :0)
He and Debbie no sooner left sometime after six and Tracie came. F me! 
She only stayed an hour or so :0). When she saw me still in pj's from the night before, she knew without asking that I didn't want to go to Kohls as we talked about the night before.
She left to go to her OLD freinds to explain to her that after hitting many stores she still had not been able to find a pillow that props one up into a sitting position. Her elderly friend (89 I believe she said ) has GURD and her doctor suggested this pillow to her. Like I have said, Tracie has a heart of gold and will continue to search for one for her. SHE ALSO IS A BUSYBODY....tries to put her nose in my business and tells others my business. Oh WTF do I care!  It's the LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS!  I listen and toss 99% OUT!  I gave her SUPPER TO GO!  Once again...she did not want to take the three gallons of bleach and jugs of rinse and detergent she has in my car trunk. It's always...tomorrow. I made the BIG MISTAKE of telling her that it wouldn't freeze. Speaking of freeze, it's 5 degrees at 5:30 a.m. brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I believe after Tracie left  is when I got a nap in. A short one at that with the pain making me toss and turn.
My son in FL called me sometime after I woke. He was on his way to the airport in Tampa to pick up his wife Deb whom had been in MA visiting her Aunt Nancy ( her deceased dad's only living sister for her birthday. Whenever I have had the pleasure of being around her aunt....she and I always hit it off. :0) Sonny and I talked and talked and talked. It's maybe a 50 mile drive from Sarasota to Tampa. Told him of this latest nasty shit with hubby. He JUST LISTENED which was all I wanted.  Asked me if I had any good news.....well you and I know.......most everything HE DOESN'T KNOW that I have blogged about and NOT MUCH GOOD THERE! 
He did tell me that he wondered why I didn't buy the luxury car I've always wanted aand can afford now.  I sure did like that new midnight blue BMW that I saw on the lot and let Randy talk me out of it. Less gas mileage...more cost to repair than the Toyota he steered me to. Randy was being practical, trying to save me money( not knowing what I have now in the bank ) and Sonny knows. My account has his name on it too. Without saying that I HAVE POSSIBLY X AMOUNT OF YEARS LEFT, he said in so many words, at this stage , what does it matter about the cost of fuel and repairs. You should have purchased the car of your dreams. Enjoy your own money!
NOW...I'm wishing that I had. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
NOT that I am ungrateful for what I have.  Some, but NOT ALL of my kids will piss through whatever I leave like it's WATER!      Yeah...I KNOW. I won't be here to see it happen!  300K isn't a hellofa lot, but enough for hubby and I to live very comfortably in our final years. 
Midnight blue has been my wish since I saw a Lincoln Continental with a Continental Kit in my 20's. Wanted THAT CAR, but of course, those models arn't made anymore. What I could afford back then was a well used car that could get our ass around and we could pay for with a servicemans pay and KIDS! Back then hubby#1 was knowledgeable about fixing cars and I would have starters, fuel pumps and the likes taken apart...in my house as he repaired them. Whatever it took to save a buck and feed and clothe our kids. There is nothing like the smell of gasoline that ex hubby had car parts soaking in. :0(

OMG! The ungodly pain in both upper arms and both legs when I tried to rise to get coffee. 
I've had pain in my life before...but this is.................................
WTF! Pain lying down, pain to rise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
See my old boss again today for another adjustment.

It's 6:14 a.m. and only a dog is stirring from time to time. Even Bugsy is quiet. Wonder what's up with that! Darkness finds him spinning on the wheel most of the night.
Going to go read a few blogs and come back later to post. BBL

Went back to bed at seven . Within minutes  I heard Jill get up to let Cash out and start her day. Did manage to nod off every now and then and it was enough to sustain me when I climbed out of bed again at nine. Hubby was lying there awake waiting for his coffee. I know in one of my more cohesive moments I had told him I was IN PAIN. Think he was being nice and letting me sleep or lie there.

Eleven a.m. finds me ready to go to my chiropractor appointment, though it isn't until 11:45.
   Did a little picking up in my room. Not enough to make a difference though. I have yarn, coming out of my ass. Bags and BAGS of it!  Bins and BINS of it!  Learning to use up what I have.... before I puchased more has ESCAPED ME. I shit you not!  
I have STUFF I want to take to my Cheryls . Twin sheets and other odds and ends that she maybe could use and if not TOSS!  Maybe if Tracie comes at a decent hour I can get there. Also I want to see if she was able to get tires for her car and if not...help her out.  I'd rather help when it's needed .....than see someone hurt or worst if a tire blows.

It's time to throw a warm coat on and head to the car.

That's All Folks!

D D Who knew???

I didn't.

Son Randy asked me if I had captured grandson Gil on the hidden camera. I explained to him that the camera was at the other end of the house and I confided in him AS TO WHY.
The tone of his voice was incredoulous. Ma...didn't uou know that oxy is MOST WANTED on the street for EXACTLY the behavior hubby has been exhibiting. It increases your desire, the length of time you can maintain an erection, you get an overpowering need for sex, a rip roaring hard on, blah,blah, best sex, best climax, blah,blah,blah.
Did you know?????   I didn't !
He tells me there is another drug that counteracts the effects of oxycodone.
Come this Tuesday, I need to try to reach and talk privately with his primary doctor, the one that leaves me in tears. I am apprehensive as to what ...he will tell me or do for me. No matter what...I have to ask for his help. The thought just entered my mind...what if he too has never heard of this!  He's around my age, I THINK.
For the rest of this month, I have no idea how I am going to ration hubby his pain meds. :0( No doubt about it, I HAVE TO CUT HIM BACK!  Maybe he will have a few less HARD ONS, Yeah, I can still make a funny haha even though I feel like I am crying on the inside.

Jill missed the post office hours for mailing that test package off and tomorrow is a holiday. It will have to be Tuesday. Until the lab confirms it. Proof POSITIVE ....hell we both know he took the oxy whether he USED or not!  It sure looked to our layman's eyes that he tested POS for oxy. No heroin. Don't know whether that should make me happy. At present I am only thinking of my own situation.
Don't know how she pulled it off, but she told me she was shutting the bathroom  water valves off and watched and waited for him to use the toilet...then sprang into action.
    I could hear her talking to Butch when I made my way to the coffee pot this morning; telling him about missing xbox videos of Logans ....................that's all I caught from her and him I heard say , he wil continue tol do anything it takes to get a fix.
   Last night she went to her son Ryans with Logan ( Gil didn't want to go) to see the baby and watch the football game. They arrived back home just before eleven. Gil was in bed sleeping. We had a chance to exchange a few words and I asked her what she intends to do about her son Gil. She asked if we could talk today. 
   At this same time, I told her what Randy told me. After hearing what I had to tell her, she asked "why me though?" " Why doesn't he go to you?" She is CORRECT! Why her and NOT ME! 
Granted he has some serious brain damage from previous brain bleeds, BUT THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR! I MAKE NO EXCUSES FOR HIM! I shit you not!
Jill was five when hubby and I met. Her father along with his own alcoholic issues took off back to mommy and daddy in Texas. Hubby was the only father figure she knew. NONE of my other children call him dad, even though they too did not know their own father. SHE CALLS HIM DAD and refers to him when sheis talking to others as MY DAD.   Ex #1 got a medical discharge from the Navy and headed back to Arkansas to his mother and step father that raised him, at age 27    Ex #2 was around 31  Mommy and daddy convinced him to come home to them and care for them in their old age as he was always told BY THEM it was his lot in life. How many times did I hear from them that he should never have married. Too many!
   I have tried and felt I succeeded in putting the first time she made me aware of what he was doing behind me. What kind of a mother does that make me!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We confronted him and he apologized back then. Not that it made it right. She and I both have tried to move forward and not hold any anymosity towards him. He hurts or needs help in anyway , we tend to his needs and I for one can say....I have not had the UGLY in my head in those occasions.  HE IS ROBBING THE BOTH OF US of OUR RESPECT FOR HIM! THE BASTARD!


Hubby did not wake during the night asking for pain med....and I did not wake him to offer them.
I have been giving him one pain pill along with one 325 mg  Tylenol with Acetaminophen. That's what was recommeneded by his doctor to use between the 2 oxy's every six hours and he refused to take the Tylenol,saying it wouldn't help him. He would not take the Tylenol. In my mind I said...then suffer!  I'd grab at anything to rid myself of the pains I am having. When asked by the front desk C.A.  after my adjsutment and T.P.Therapy on Friday, what days and times I wanted to come next week, I made the appointments and told her I'd be there WITH BELLS ON! Whatever it takes to rid myself of THIS PAIN...I WILL DO!
   Thinking....wouldn't this be something if hubby's  pain is controlled with one less oxy with one Tylenol. Meaning taking just four oxys a day, NOT 8.   Wouldn't it be even better if his nasty/UNACCEPTABLE sexual behavior also came to an end ...in doing so.
I hold out hope.......................................................

My mind needs a rest.  At present I'm just trying to find answers within myself that I can live with.  Here I am...feeling guilty for my bitchiness at times and wanting no easy way out ( such as him passing away ) . Sure...my life MIGHT be easier, BUT I would have the BIGGEST Guilt Trip if I didn't provide the same care I have been giving him. Putting him in a rest home would hasten his death and I CAN'T DO THAT!Even his latest nasty/UNFORGIVABLE behavior makes me still not do what is best for him.   WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?    AS SICK IN MIND AS HE IS???
Nothing is clear in my mind. NOTHING!  I am cringing in disgust at myself !

Jill just informed me that we have no hot water. She will be going down into that dungeon of a cellar in awhile. She needs to teach Butch what she has learned these past twelve years on how to fix a waterless hot water heater. Hope we don't need to call and order new parts again by next day AIR. Oh Hell, we have lived through it before. Just heat water on the stove for the dishes and screw taking a shower for a day or two.
It's 4 degrees out! brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
....and how about that football game last night!

Today, January 15th is/was my mothers birthday.  1/15/18. It is also the date that my sister Nancy died twenty years ago.   Miss em.
Getting myself all choked up. Time to take my leave.
THX for all your hugs..... from those (((hugs))) I gain strength....  And go on... I WILL! 
Don't worry about me. Talking this all out provides the outlet I need.

Important update.  Logan's step mom took him to a doctor Friday and a blood test revealed that he has infected glands in his neck and he is now on meds. This is COMMON we were told.
New to me, but I'll accept it. Live and Learn.


That's All Folks!