D D Another WHAMMY!

I came to hearing Jill's voice in the kitchen near 2 a.m. and my first thought was "how rude to talk so loud as to wake me up." Decided to rise, use the bathroom and tell her to keep her voice down as it was not fair to the rest of the household. After I stood up my eye  caught hubby sitting on the side of our bed and I didn't give that much thought......  Well...FUCK ME! 
THIS is the man that had great difficulty from the time he woke yesterday morning to the time I turned in around midnight ....rising up to even a sitting position without my help. Could not even get his legs back up on the bed ,WITHOUT MY HELP , the same man whom at midnight I patted myself on the back for  being patient and tolerant to him as I watched his frail body struggle to do things.  This same man...was able to get out of bed right before 2 a.m when Jill came home and walk with his walker to where she stood at the kitchen sink and GRAB HER FUCKING BOOBS.
She pushed him off her and he began to shake and retreated back to our room where I found him sitting on the side of our bed.  THE FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!  I went right back into our bedroom to confront him and he's saying " what?, what did I do?, what are you talking about?.  Now ...trust me on this one, IF he did NOTHING as he would like me to believe, he would have been yelling like a banshee,screaming " you fucking nut bag, get the fuck away from me before I have you locked up. "
Gil woke when he heard her yell at papa to get his fucking hands off her. He was surprised that I didn't hear her yell. Yeah...me too! Maybe it was because I was only asleep less than two hours and maybe it was because I never expected/hoped and prayed I had seen the last of his shit.  
As I sit here I'm thinking maybe I need to put a fucking cow bell on his walker before I go to sleep at night. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON that he has to walk out of our bedroom during the night. NONE!   Oh.... now I remember an excuse he gave me....he had to use the bathroom to shit.  THAT's laughable!  His commode is sitting right by his bed and if he was as involved as he was all day long ( to where I was hurting my back trying to pull him up into a sitting position or sitting him up ...back up near the headboard so that he could eat, lifting his bottom and inched the Depend up on his ass cause he was unable to stand or lift his bottom to do it, etc. ....  ya know.... the more that I write this the more I want to punch him. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I told Jill to shove him so hard he lands on his ass the next time...and yes Pat there will be a next time. Neither Jill nor I are naive enough to think otherwise now. She couldn't live with the guilt if he died as a result from THAT FALL. Understood...cause the next time that I am behind him ( ever so patiently ) making sure he safely gets to where he wants to go.....I will be fighting the urge to give him a shove. I COULDN'T DO IT, CAUSE THAT's THE WAY I AM! I shit you not! 
She and I talked at the table right outside my bedroom door and much that was said was duly aimed for his ears just feet away.
NOW.... 2 cups of coffee in me and four a.m. reading on the clock, I am going to go pee and lay on my bed ........................ 

Later...7:30 a.m.

No sooner did I lie down and turn the tv on, did an area in my left knee begin to hurt like a SOB. A quarter size area at that. Went to heat up one of those things you toss in a microwave and it was an hour before that pain let up....only to begin again not soon after. I can still feel the tenderness just below to the right of my left knee and pressing on it causes sharp pain.  Like WTF did I do while assisting hubby yesterday? Once I had him push his feet against my legs as to allow him to stop sliding off the edge of the bed as he sat there trying to get his butt back further on it so he could rise to stand. 4 a.m. caught me nodding off and hubby chose that time to wake and pee.  Needed a light ( his lightup globe of the world ) had crapped the bed ( need a new bulb ), so I graciously reached behind him to where the headboard light switch is and lit our bedroom for him ( and waited.) He said, " thank you." To my surprise I did fall to sleep until 7:30 a.m.  It's 7:50 and hubby is waking up. I can hear the sounds he makes when he is awake. There is NO MISTAKING THAT SOUND. I shit you not!

Last night I decided that the next time that hubby lands in the hospital and is then sent for rehab....I AM NOT going to rush his coming home like I have done every single other time.  More rehab there and less at home where he is more comfortable and I am stressed/strained and ill prepared to care for him by myself. I'm 75...IT IS WHAT IT IS!  No medals for moi, no glory and he certainly  hasn't shown his thanks by doing what he does. 

Son Randy never called or came to shampoo my bedroom rug yesterday. I can't bring myself to call him. I don't want to hear any more bad news ,,,,,and this was how I felt before what happened in the middle of the night. Like....not knowing changes things. NOT!  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 
I'd offer to buy the trailer so that Randy would have a place he could afford to rent on his $821 SSI check. That's for rent, utilities , food and clothing and whatever else it takes to live. IMPOSSIBLE to do unless family helps you out. In MA,  rents are OUTRAGEOUS! I'm talking even about tenements that are beaten down and the wind blows through the dried putty around the windows and robs you of your heat in the winter. 
Larry would be a SOB and raise the price knowing that Randy would still be living in it. The hateful prick!   Yeah....I am my children's keeper. They hurt, I HURT!
Here comes hubby for his morning constitutional !
If he needs assistance, he will get it. I'm no Pollyanna, but it's the right thing to do. I shit you not!
(((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D WHAM!

Was kicking back last evening around 6:30 in my 20 hour old pj's and the phone rings. Through the hollering on the other end, I figured out it was my son Larry. ( HE IS HIS BROTHER RANDY's LANDLORD )  With all kinds of expletitives ....he tells me he is calling me to tell me that he is kicking Randy out of his trailer and selling it. Randy's crime???? He didn't get a piece of his mail to him ASAP ( he's been told not to sit on my mail) and now I have a late charge. When I inquired as to how much the bill was he told me forty some odd dollars, BUT THAT's NOT THE POINT he screams. HE"s BEEN TOLD.  There was NO REASONING with Larry. Not even my suggestion of having Randy pay the late fee satisfied him. It was kick his ass out and have the cops drag his ass out of the trailer screaming.  NOTHING LESS WOULD DO AS PUNISHMENT! 

Now let me tell you about this trailer. I think I have before. Larry and a male friend of his bought this trailer together many,many moons ago. Over 25 years ago AT LEAST! It was not new then. More like well used. He had the "friend" had a disagreement and the friend moved out to who knows where. I don't even think my son Larry knows how to find him or if he is alive.  Then....son Larry and son Michael shared living arrangements ( Michael was 25 at that time ( born in 1961 ) and my parents were moving into his bedroom . Time for the last bird to....fly. Twenty five was the magic age. Well as you can imagine....no housework was ever done. Oh I'm sure Larry repaired things like the roof, but as far as any nice improvements to the trailer and LOT. NONE.  Somewhere along the line Larry moved in with his girlfriend and left Michael there. Then Michael married at 30 and Larry's son and his girlfriend moved in.  WHEN they moved out some years later and son Randy was about to move in..... I was witness to the conditions of this trailer. It was ready for the BONE YARD....I shit you not!
Not only dirty/filthy, moocho repairs needed to be done....large holes in a couple of the floors....yadda,yadda,yadda. Randy has not only made every improvement it needed, but has gone beyond that. I shit you not! Plus, the Lot is the nicest landscaped Lot in the trailer park. I shit you not!
Larry's answer to that...I didn't ask him to. 
I have never seen such a hateful person as my son Larry. 
There is something deeper angering him that he acts out this way. I know he is angry that Randy collects Soc.Security and HE HAS TO WORK over 40 hours a week.  He's thrown that out there in the past.   Jealous of his brother is what he is.  Also he don't think anyone needs to take the kind of meds that Randy does . It's all bull shit to him about mental problems. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  I won't ever mention Jess to him as he has zero tolerance there too. He don't need to be told anyway. The family  hardly sees him. Maybe one cookout a year.
Mr.Congeniality ....NOT!
He has his father's disposition ( may he rot in Hell ).

As you can imagine, my heart was hurting after he hung up on me. 
What's this..." called to let me know first",   My heart is heavy. If he holds true to his word and Randy grabs him by the throat and squeezes the life out of him......................
He has rode Randy's ass for many years and to Randy's credit he has kissed his ass innumerably.
Yeah...he does give him a huge break...only charges him a $100 over the cost of the Lot Rent to cover taxes so he's not getting rich off of Randy like he says. And yeah..Randy will never find something else he could afford on his SSI check.    Randy does kiss his ass...Larry leaves his pickup  and plow blade and  parked there in the winter. Randy gases it up, puts the plow blade on and has it ready for him to come and jump in it and head off to plow. Randy gets his cars,etc inspected so that Larry has more time to persue his interests. The list goes on. 
Just writing this down is drowning me in sorrow.... and  Jill wants to know what the message ( took her time to figure out who was yelling ) was on the house phone was about.  Larry called me on my cell phone cause he couldn't get through on the house phone ( hubby was talking to his sis Ann.)  Guess he started out by saying...(you don't answer your fucking phone now! )

Later I pulled a pair of jeans on and covered my pj top with my coat and went for subs for hubby and I.  Those huge trees along my drive....looked inviting.

Now I am waiting to hear from Randy ........................ 

I've changed my "much loved mom by her much loved kids " or whatever that bullshit I wrote was ...up at the top of my blog. Like ....who the Hell am I kidding..... Surely NOT YOU!
(((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D The Calm before the Storm

I exaggerate. Known about this for almost two weeks ( I thought it was serious hubby problems that Michelle was having.that brought her here to cry in Jill's bedroom. Jill confided in me. ) My grand daughter Jessica has decided that she has told all the people important to her in HER LIFE ( as told to Jill by Michelle and it's up to her Michelle to tell us and those others that don't know that she has come out .....she has entered into a lesbian relationship and for the first time in her life she is extremely happy.  When she told her mother.....Michelle was floored, not only because she has had boyfriends ,( some long term relationhips ) BUT her partner is her mothers best friend's youngest daughter whom Michelle has known since she was a baby. She told her mother when she was fifteen that she was lesbian. Her mother has always told our Michelle that she is a PLAYER. She is 19 now and Jess is 25. Michelle went around crying for days  and finally told Jess to tell her dad why mom was weepy. He took to his bedroom very upset. Her younger sister Theresa isn't accepting of it, but time heals and as long as she isn't hurting anyone....it's her life. TONIGHT is  OUR NIGHT to be informed.
SHIT....is that ALL!   Hubby on the other hand......... won't be traumatized either.  :0) It's not that it's the first family member to come out to us. With my nephew Drew,  hubby was like  ewwww keep him away, it's catchy.  No way, no how could I make him understand that it isn't a CHOICE!    I think MEN have a harder time. Then his brother Joe came out to us and hubby decided that where Joe was brought up in the same house as he was with the same parents...hmmm maybe it isn't catchy.

Ten a.m. I heard Gil say ...Tracie is here. I'm like WTF!  Why so early???????   To use my phone to cancel and remake a doctor appointment.   AGAIN she can not find her FREE cell phone. Her minutes were up the 15th of last month and she hasn't used it since. It's buried somewhere in the fuckin pile of shit in her car...is my guess.  Thought she would never leave. Needed  a tape measurer to measure a shoestring of hers. Damned good that I remember where my shit is. ;0)
 While she was still here my son Terry ( the birthday boy ) came to drop off some stuff for his brother Randy. :0) Doing nothing special. It's just another day he said. Meanwhile Jill is trying to get ready for her noon doctor appointement with the doctor I saw yesterday for her high blood pressure. Hubby is in the shower. Then Gil gets in there and spends time doing I know not what cause he had already taken his shower. Sometimes I get suspicious at the sounds I hear emitting from there and he wasn't using the toilet.  Told him to Speed It Up. Tracie leaves asking me to call her cell while she is in the car and once she gets home so she can try to locate it. I made the first call. Went right to VoiceMail so her phone battery is DEAD.  She'll be back at 6( AS WE AGREED UPON)  and we will go eat while Michelle is with her dad. Next ...son Terry leaves and son Randy comes.  Cash made his entrance from the back yard soaking wet....which means that he went in the pool or the koi pond. Randy piped up that I'll be needing a new liner if cash keeps getting in it and tears it, to which I replied no way, I'll fill it and there will be no pool and Jill busted out crying.  Everyone is coming down on me and I have no control over some things the dog does... she bawls.  Hands off the baby to me to leave saying her blood pressure is up. :0(   I know how she feels. Everyone wants a piece of you. Pick,pick,pick! sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   Long walk on a short pier. ???? Oh how I know that feeling.
Baby was good for me. Drank his 4 oz. bottle , a half at a time. Burped twice. then was happy to be positioned on my bed to watch cartoons.  THEY START YOUNG NOW. I shit you not!
As he was leaving, Jill pulled in the driveway. I told him to cut her some slack.   before that he was questioning me as to why the front steps are not done yet.  Beats moi....but I have no problem as long as it gets finished. The time frame wasn't in the Contract.

How this next MIXUP occurred beats moi. Monday the visitng nurse Michelle said hubby will be seen once a week. Today the VNA call. Someone will be out between one and one thirty. Jill tells this person that someone has been here this week. She says to Jill, I'll check it out and call you back. She does ...almost immediately. She says...oh that visit was just for how to teach hubby to cath himself....which is whacked.  Nurse Michelle too his vitals, looked to see if there were any open sores and IT WAS I that told her that I was further tied to the house and IT WAS HER that said, people self cath all the time. Would you like me to teach you.? Hubby made some faces and tried to beg off....but he agreed.  This nurse is running late and you know...it would be nice to grab a Cat Nap. grrrrr

Jill's B/P was pretty good. :0) Well it was after she lay down in the examining room for a half hour.
She told the doctor that she took herself off the Celexa.  It was making her VERY nauseas ALL DAY LONG.   NOW that I think back I think that's the reason I took myself off the  Alprazolam....cause I felt somewhat nauseas after taking it and it ruined my day for hours. She was put on Zoloft today. So now she is on Ativan and Zoloft.
I tried to make her feel better about her moodiness and was attributing some of it possibly to menapause. Mom...I haven't had a period in over three years, she said.  She like myself never had Hot Flashes. Has Night Sweats on occasion. Those were short lived when I was put on a hormone to stop them. :0) Her/OUR doctor said her teariness is from going COLD TURKEY off of the Celexa.
Visiting nurse is here. BBL


Thursday.
Was DULY REMINDED that hubby is to be cathed 3xs a day at the very least per the urologists order.  I hadn't done it yesterday morning. ME BAD!   He don't bitch.....I figure he is fine. NOT SO, I'm told.  Oh alright already............................  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Managed to get a short nap in between four and five, A half hour maybe. Phone rang. It was Michelle asking if her dad would like her to bring her supper on the way here later. He finally decided on a Wendy's cheeseburger, plain. Just catsup. NO SEEDS on the bun.
   As luck WOULDN'T HAVE IT :0(  .....Tracie arrived at 6:10 shortly after Michelle did. NO TIME TO TALK. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   Tracie and I took off . It was decided that we would eat first. WHERE was the next big decision I had to make. Fine! We finally agreed that the 99's will be good again. It's up to you... I don't care. .............Let's JUST DO IT before the stores close. I want to go to the Dollar Store for dryer sheets and a sister birthday card and run into Burlington Coat Factory next door for size 6 months baby socks.  ( I detest too tight socks  pulling my toes upwards ...don't you?  Gavin's toes are curling up. ;0)  THE PROBLEM IS....we have three 99's around us.   NOW if  the Dollar Store and B.Coat Factory are in the same strip mall in our town center and one of the 99's is just ( a straight shot, SAME ROAD ,  less than 2 miles further away), one would think that we would go from Point A to Point B as quick as we could. Tracie is driving my car and we head away from the direction I thought we would go. Finally, I could not hold my tongue anylonger. Tracie, where are you going? To which she gave a lengthly explanation which boiled down to me telling her it was foolish to go where she was headed.  She finds a place to turn around. Next thing I realize is she is headed to another one that isn't in a direct line with the stores.  I'll turn around if you want , she is saying. You are so impatient,,,SAYS SHE!  Just keep going, I spoke reluctantly cause now the time is past 6:45 and the stores I want to shop in close at 9p.m.   Parking is always a fun thing with her. She doesn't like to walk. We finally did and ate. NOW it's 8 p.m. and Jill had called asking me to bring milk and wet cat food for Charlize's breakfast. The feral cat had a can of sardines ( mine ) for breakfast. Might add that she devoured them. Nice treat for a change. Tell me who else in their right mind buys what I think is expensive cat food for a feral cat that hisses at you? ;0)  Now I have 3 stops and instead of taking a side road which would have got us over to where we wanted to get...quicker....Oh noooooooooooo.  Once there the up and down rows BEGAN. I kept saying Tracie I CAN WALK...here's a parking spot. She had other ideas and once we were located in the middle of the 3 stores I needed to go in...she parked and exclaimed how much easier now to get to each store it was.   :0( F Me!  Then the Race Was On. Fifteen minutes into the last store BCF...the announcement came to tell us to bring our asses to the registers, they wanted to close.  IMAGINE THAT...  THE NERVE OF THEM!!!!! ;0)
Okay Pat....you did get the socks and a $19.99 bouncer and a few oufits as well as the milk and cat food and dryer sheets and sister birthday card..... GIVE IT UP! ;0) I think that I ruffled Tracie's feathers more than a few times. :0) 
Once back...she planks her ass to be in on the girly talk. I knew Michelle was itching to talk to me and was wanting to leave as soon as Idol was over at ten.  One time I entered my bedroom to ? and she came in and pulled me towards the sliding door ( furthest point away from the diningroom) and hurredly told me what she had to tell me.  Jess doesn't have cancer...I'm fine with it. :0) This morning as I lay in bed before I took to plunge to haul myself out of bed, I thought of her sister Theresa and what might be going through her mind. No big sister to talk to about labor pains and such, NO cousins for my kids...you know the things siters talk about. Don't know why these thoughts were in my head. Maybe because Theresa is not taking this well, so I've been told. It is one of her best friends as well.  TIME.....................Michelle's concern is.....what happens to her deep friendship IF these two break up. Even if it was a son of her best friend's she would feel the same way.She doesn't want to lose her friend, she told me.  I think...if she is her best friend she will still be her best friend. :0)
Later I asked hubby what he thought about Michelle's news...."What can you do", he acquiesced. .  Nothing more said. :0)  No Storm.
    During... the Girly Talk and Jill's tearing up...Cash barfed huge amounts of barf in two places and once Michelle and Jill cleaned that mess up ( as best they could in my SHIT RUGS ) he barfed another two places.   WTF is the matter with this dog? I have never had a dog that does this. Bile, yes. Jill always refers to it as "his green stomach." One would think he was some inbred mutt. :0(
   I dreamt about a dog barfing and barfing last night. As soon as I cleaned one pile, I had another to clean up.    What does that dream mean??? ;0)  It wasn't a dream...it was a NIGHTMARE!




Looks like no sunshine today. Wasn't planning on going to the beach anyway. ;0)


Gavin should be coming soon. Hubby will most likely wake upon hearing Cash's howl of excitement at someone coming. :0( 
Gutter King just pulled up. They did say Thursday they would begin the job. It's Thursday... ALL DAY LONG! ;0)  Ut oh...that means noise. Pounding.
It's started to rain....maybe they will leave.  ;0) AND come back another day.  (((hugs)))



That's All Folks!

D D A MOST WELCOME change

Nothing is happening in my life! Did you ever think that you would hear me say that? 
Hey folks...don't go out and come back in...It's ME Ishihtzunot!
Update for Pea.
Went to the doctors and after she made a few attempts to get a piece of tissue for biopsy...she gave up. Seems my cervix is very,very,narrow. Her words : you don't use it, you lose it." ;0)  HEY, I populated this earth more than ....the average bear YOGI!
It's let's ...wait and see. Another ultra sound will be done close to August 1st to see if there are any changes. I see her (dr.)  again the 7th of August,I believe.
Changes....then this procedure will be done in an operating room setting and they will give me some med so I won't feel pain.   I told her how I messed up somehow and am not taking the Celexa at all and am taking Zanax daily, instead of (as needed,)  Now she changed the  RX for  Zanax  to daily and stopped the RX for the Celexa. Hey.I say .if it's not broke....don't fix it. ;0) She listened to me.  She also agreed with me when I asked about stopping the high blood pressure med  and SAID  in August when I see her again (it's do-able) now that I have lost weight.  She did tell me when she first put me on high B/P meds that if I lost weight I probably wouldn't need to take them. :0)yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Okay....I take that back about nothing going on.  Hubby is freezing and I am sweating. He wants the heat turned up. Yes...my lord...I'm hopping right on it.  :0) He did say Thank You after I did it. :0)

Driving to my appointment I noticed how low the lilacs were hanging from the rain. We have had a pretty steady rain all day.

Jill isn't having a good day for some reason.  Moody. Tearing up easy as to how her staying home and being good isn't appreciated by her kids. Attempts at learning how to use the computer in the livingroom hasn't been going well and she is frustrated on how she gets back to UTUBE to those Wedding Dances that everyone raves about. A cousin sent her one to watch on her phone and she doesn't have the capabilities on her phone to watch it and see what the fuss is about.  Well....she finally watched that video and wanted more, more,MORE . ;0) Then Logan plugged (his charger ???)   into it and POOF went her video. All she wanted to do was to be able to sit there and LAUGH. 
 All in all.....it's just a combo of things and frustration is building up.    Been there!    Gavin isn't here today and she could easily take off. ( Glad she hasn't. ) Keeps telling me that she will get over it. 

No sunshine and no sunshine in the house.  blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnn  MEMO to MYSELF....... Don't look for shit!

I'm having a very nice day . I shit you not!

Sure as shit...if I try to nap, Tracie will come. It's 4:30. The rain must have kept her in bed later than usual today.

WHeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I'm boring myself....but that's subject to change. BBL

How true!

It's just about the Facts ........  nothing sinister here. ;0)

Ain't this some shit.....my son Terry turns 56 tomorrow and I forgot to send him his b-day card.
 :0( What the hell is the world coming to!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh welllll.... there's the phone Pat.

7:30 p.m. Jill showered, dressed and took her sons to Papa Ginos to eat and I took to my bed and got a nice nap. :0) No Tracie.....what a relaxing evening....SO FAR!  Jill has put her pj's on and I'm about to do the same.
Supper consisted of moi eating Logan's two left over slices of cheese pizza and hubby didn't want Gil's two slices of hamburger pizza . He requested Kraft mac and cheese. Guess who is sitting here in front of you eating approximately a cup it. Oh well...shit happens.

The rodent in the cage that I call Bugsy....seems to like the pizza crust with sauce on it.  Wonder how he'll do with some mac and cheese elbows. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Bugsy likes it!!!
SAVAGE AMUSEMENT...... ;0)
Now.... I think that I will leave you for the night, put my pj's on and try one more time to order hubby's cath's through the V.A. online. The site was down for maintainance earlier. As long as I am not low on them....I'm not sitting here saying, NO,NO,NO. Zanax is marvelous stuff. ;0) See ya tomorrow.

I'm getting nervous......how do I allow all of my readers to continue reading without having a ROAD BLOCK slammed up in front of them?  I clicked on Authors Only and read....ONLY YOU will be able to read this blog. ??? WTF  The other choice is by invitation and I'd have to add thirty some odd of you either ny blog name or email. More sighsssssssssssssss. Some of you are not authors of blogs and I don't want to lock you out.  Guess I can't have it both ways. :0(

It's morning in my neck of the woods. The scale is my enemy this morning.  171.2

 UP 1 lb. 2 oz. Meany!!!

Back to the drawing board today...................  It's all about choices. I shit you not!

Going to go see if the rest of the world is awake. ( YOU ) BBL

Wanda.... AGREE!!!!!

How's this for mundane chat.....just hemmed up my skinny jeans size 12 Average that I have to squeeze my gut into. ONCE UPON A TIME I wore a TALL. WTF??? 

Just what all of you wanted to know....right? ;0)

More on that same line.....I have felt full of shit lately, so I did something I very rarely do. Took two Senakot last night around 8 p.m. and I'm happy to say.... It's WORKING! ;0)

Song playing in my head is, How Do You Like Me Now. ;0)

Think I'll kick back and pick up a crochet hook and work on that baby car seat carrier blanket that I have no one in mind for. More STUFF to stash away for future great grands.

Have a list of DO DO THINGS.........Call my son Terry to wish him a Happy Birthday is at the top of the list.  (((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D Never has it been more glaring with this new blogger

the STATS hit you in the face when you log in. X amount of Comments and X amount of viewers to your blog. I never gave a flying fig and researching it further was not something I cared to do, nor do I think I ever will. I won't say NEVER, cause sometimes those things come back to bite you in the ass. ;0)  . WHAT I WILL SAY though is.... I appreciate it if someone doesn't have something nice to say and they go their own way, or I leave them tongue tied,err finger tied or they do not have  time to comment, I understand. ( been there).
Whatever your reasons...I'm good with it.
My Diary isn't a popularity contest. I shit you not!
Finding myself not being happy with some of the things in this new blogger ...I am going to go back to familiar territory (old blogger) for as long as I possibly can. :0)

Called my daughter Cheryl yesterday. It was long overdue. I truly appreciate what she said to me. She hasn't called me because she has been trying to give me SOME SPACE, knowing how crazy my life is. I thanked her. Of all my kids, I NEVER expected her to be the one to say that. Her husband Dana must have had a part in that. Bless him.

UT OH....did I give hubby his 8 a.m. meds???? It's 8:15. Better check it out and get the lead outta my ass. Visiting nurse is coming at ten....I got the call earlier.    WTF.    Kelly came Friday and now it's Michelle. I thought the visits were down to once a week. You think that they would be spaced out better. Ya think???  No matter what I think asbout that...she will be here and I need to get things and MYSELF presentable. BBL

I'm so excited.............
   Michelle...one of the visiting nurses gave hubby a course on how to cath himself. Of course,  he will need more guidance through this. His eyesight makes putting on the latex gloves diffficult...but even if it takes me ten minutes or less and him a half hour ( more or less) hopefully he will get more confident and quicker. He seemed pretty pleased with himself and he didn't make himself bleed. :0)
With time....I see this happening without someone being right by his side. :0) 
Next primary doctor appointment I need a refresher course on why placing a permanent cath in him is delayed, delayed, delayed...until the last resort. He did wear one for weeks after his last hospital stay ( Those were the days, my friend, I thought they'd never end...la la la la la LA ;0)  ) , but the urologist felt he no longer needed it and removed it.
I was showered and dressed when she arrived at 9:45. Put on makeup after she left. My head is clearer today. :0)


I did it! I did it! Am back to familiar stomping grounds. Old Bogger. Nice to see you again.

Gavin in his 1st car. ;0)  The jumper kept him happy for awhile......maybe another "cat nap" is on the menu.
He's four months old now.

Tuesday May 1st

The W.B. made a brief appearance to talk to his boss and was sent to another job as their friend was coming home from the Keys in FL and NOTHING had been done on the job he hired them to do while he was away.  I'm assuming he either took the morning off from the fire dept. and went in to do his night twelve hours orrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Never saw him the rest of the day. His boss plugged away on my fron landing/porch/steps by himself all day. The W.B. told me that the work I needed done was a THREE DAY JOB. It's been more than three. His boss who has the LICENSE for Home Improvement.. did not put a time contraint in my work sheet. No problemo. The W.B. likes to sound ....IMPORTANT. I shit you not!

Grandson Logan came home yesterday after spending Friday with his dad ( assuming after school was dismissed ) til yesterday after school on the bus.  This morning is the LAST DAY for a  check $34,  for his Field Trip.
I'll remain silent ,,,, and take the FIFTH.  ;0)

Did I mention that I LOVE OLD BLOGGER.  I LOVE OLD BLOGGER, Please don't take my sunshine away.......................

171.0    I like,like,like my scale. Down an ounce. NOW if it was " a pound" or more....I'd say I love it. ;0)

Seven a.m. Hubby is awakening. 

Jill was home yesterday watching Gavin, so being that I was dressed and somewhat/sorta  perky when Tracie came at 3 ( missed my Dr.Phil :0(  ) and hubby was just coming into the diningroom and made some derogatory remark with a look of distaste on his face.....ASAP  we went to Kohls....IN MY CAR ( cause it would have taken Tracie an hour to clear out the front passenger seat for me to be able to get in hers. I asked her what would happen if I kept my car like she does hers. NO REPLY!
SHE took a fistful of her CD's ( mostly Irish music ) to play while we were driving. Asked me if I liked that kind of music.  Yeah....sometimes I DO..,..and sometimes I DON"T.  Ballads sung by Irish Tenors have been known to make me blue.
Jigs...are another story.  WE listened to ballads. I got OVER IT! :0)
  Spent way toooo long in the jewelry department having links taken out of a watch I had bought there. The young man really didn't know what he was doing. :0(  OR...does Kohl's design it that way cause I let my eyes wander and before I knew it I had costume jewelry in my cart. Some of which...on second thought, is being returned.
Son Randy IS BACK! Used great reserve :0)  Only words that made my stomach muscles tighten were , " did you ask this guy to produce his license like Mike asked/DEMANDED  TO BE PRODUCED of anyone I had here to do a job?:  I know I didn't and I'm pretty sure hubby didn't, but I just shrugged my shoulders and left it at that. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   He'll be back today ( well maybe not as it's raining ) to do other projects. Likewise about my front stairs. Can't see Steve and the W.B. out there working in the rain. I suspect that they will be working ( inside ) on their friend's house. I can use a day of NO BANGING. ;0)

After Kohls we went to eat at the 99's.  I had some chicken balsimic thingie, with pilaf and brocolli. Yum.  Once home Tracie asked to use my bathroom before she drove home. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh That meant another hour sitting at my diningroom table. Dancing With The Stars was on and I told her while we were eating that I wanted to watch that show.  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  Why...do I let people do that to me?

I just gave hubby his second cup of coffee and tried to fix his pillows as he was struggling to sit back to drink his coffee after getting up to stand to pee in his urinal.. HE ROARED at me to leave his fucking pillows alone and I ROARED RIGHT BACK AT HIM. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm trying to do something nice ....sigh. He insists his pillows are exactly how he likes them....and my neck would be broken if I slept the way he does. Later he will say his head hurts. Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
That could be part of his problem. sighhhhhhhh
As he said..." how many fucking times do I have to tell you to leave my fucking pillows ALONE! "
In the past when he realized he wasn't getting LAID and I would remind him how his words cut me to the qwick, he would tell me it was the only language that I understood. NEWSFLASH for him. NOT!!!! I shit you not! The FUCK word when it is directed at me......is NOT love talk.
So...how's your morning going so far.....................................

Warned Tracie while we were eating that The Bachelorette will be on in a few weeks. For all the good that will do me. :0(  Mindless TV, but I like seeing the places they visit and the clothes/gowns.

As I sit here trying to eat breakfast I've come to the realization that Instant Weight Control oatmeal doesn't taste as good to me as it did  a year ago this past February. It's been my breakfast of choice, but it's about run it's course. Even the fruit I add to it.... isn't hacking it! :0(

Have I mentioned that I LOVE OLD BLOGGER! :0)

I have a 12:15 appointment with my primary today.

Hubby was upset yesterday because I took his stash ( quite considerable ) out of the safe back in June and put it in the bank. When I inquired what he needed that amount of cash at his disposal for................. he told me A HOOKER!  I won't satisfy his NEEDS, he says.  he insisted that he does not leak pee constantly.....okay...should I have reminded him that THINGS GO MUCH FURTHER THAN THAT??????   HIS BULLSHIT WITH MY DAUGHTER?  ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Newsflash...who's driving him around to find A HOOKER????????????????? ;0)
Driving him around Christmas Eve in his BULKY Santa Suit ( couldn't fit behind the wheel ) with the windows open ( helloooo, this is New England ) and moi freezing her ass off ( he was sweating like a stuffed YOU KNOW WHAT as he made stop after stop at houses of people we knew.( on our wedding eve and anniversary ) was ONE THING! I shit you not!

My word....is it ONLY 8:30 a.m.  ?????????????? 
Going to go read a few blogs. BBL

Nice visiting with you all. :0)
    It's now a little after 9:30 a.m. The W.B. has come and GONE without too much of a whimper. I heard him say he was sorry for what he wrote and said to her. She didn't stop washing the dishes she was doing when he came and she thinks.....he FINALLY understands IT'S OVER! Repeatedly she has told him that he has to work on himself if it is ever going to work with them. HIS ANGER! He said...I work...when she remined him today. To which she said, not that kind of work.  He took the stuff she had piled up and LEFT. Ring included!  Hope she is serious about not letting him ruin her life any more.


MUST get my shower and be dressed before The View comes on at eleven. Thank you Anonymous for letting me know that Lady Antebellum is on that program today. SO...the ball is in my park and I can chose to get up off my arse and shower and dress orrrrrrrrrrrrrr to rush around like a chicken with it's head cut off....at eleven in order to make my 12:15 doctor appointment. BBL

Decided where i am having my who-who looked at today that I would tidy up around it a bit. Therin lie my mistake. Hubby wanted to shower....no make up on yet orrrrrrr toofs brushed. Ya...there's time still. :0)
Took my crap outta his way and gave him no argument. No problemo. I'm munching on my second piece of balsimic chiceken that I took home yesterday. COLD. Still good and wherein I haven't brushed yet....GOODER STILL! ;0)
Thinking of picking up a 4 Point small chili at Wendys on my way home...or to the VFW.
I like to sound likje a BAD ASS! ;0) Thank goodness I have a concience and do try to conform to what society expects of me. NO FUN ...you say!!!  GRANTED!

My thanks to Jackiesue of yellowdoggranny for the above. If you haven't tried her....YOU"LL LIKE HER! I shit you not!

Hubby is emerging from the bathroom. It's almost eleven a.m. and I need to apply my makeup. Hustle...hustle.  (((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D It's a quarter after one and I'm alone and I need you now

Sung by Lady Antebellum. That song stirs something in moi. I shit you not! As I sit here at 2:30 a.m. that song is running through my head. The ALONE part is just my imagination...BUT there is Peace and Quiet in my surroundings and it does feel good.
I hope I'm not reverting back to that!!!!!   For years I lived on little sleep....and this is what I RX'd my condition as.  ALONE TIME.  I needed IT more than I needed sleep. I savored it!
SO....you can see how I was aptly named by a Pogo friend some years back ...Daffy.
If you are reading this....hi Pea. We''ll get to meet in person... It Will Happen!  Time constraints ....but the year is still young .

The one, One and Only thing I have found that I like about this new blogger is having discovered yesterday that it is easier to reply to your comments. ;0) Hoping I can get in the habit of doing 'just that". Then again...you are gone by the time I read your comments....so it puzzles me as to why we have this CHOICE. Enlighten moi, please.
NOW ....if I had a brain in my head, I'd head back to bed and try to get some more zzzzzzzz's.  Going to attempt just that. BBL

I'm so pissed at myself!  You can put in ear plugs to shut out the external noise, but how do you stop your mind from talking???  I lay there......looked at the clock before I lay down. Near 3 a.m. Immediately that song It's three o'clock in the morning and I danced the whole night through...played in my head. Or ...is that 5 o'clock? Cause if I really think about it, I'll be singing it at 5 a.m.
:0( sighhhhhhhh
Then I thought about Avery...that blogger friend Mary told us about yesterday and sent out a prayer for her and all the children in the world that could use our prayers. Next it was.... all the loved ones who will or did get a call tonight that their child/children won't be coming home again. :0( 
Next it was hubby and how I will ever get the nack of cathing him. There are a few roadblocks that you hit inserting the tube and the kinks have to be straigtened ( penis re-angled ) and you push on forward. Worry that I will hurt him. WISH there was a mark on that tube that tells you when you should be close to "Striking Gold" as the saying goes.  There was blood showing during the procedure.  Normal,,,, I've been told. Sometimes he has and sometimes he hasn't.
There was more..... then hubby woke to pee and take his pain med.  I quietly rose and came out to the diningroom and Blogger.  Once again...I'm thinking this is foolishness and at 3:36, I am going to try again. Adios m/f's.
HEY ....WAIT!  Do you have to click  Close  in order to get back to read others blogs????   I find myself after I am HERE..... always having to go completely out and come back in. Does the CLOSE we read up above mean....we have to sign back in or does it mean just Close for now and you can go read and comment?  Hell...if you are dumbfounded as to what I am talking about here......Join The Club!
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

4:20 a.m. Ain't this Some Shit!  My kidneys reminded me that I had a cup of coffee. No sweat...I hadn't fallen back to sleep. :0( 
After climbing back into bed I realized my Ginger had desserted me while I was out visiting with you all. She gave me the "cold shouder" litterally and figuratively. Waited tensely for her to try to get up the stairs and PLOP down ( lil Pudgy;0)  ) and when she finally did her weight took the covers off of one of my shoulders.   NEXT UP.....I revisited where my "only" expensive pair of earrings could possibly be. Haven't checked the suitcases yet. Remember packing them....not unpacking them. I just grabbed all the jewelry I took with me and put in on my bureau when I unpacked. All else was Costume Jewelry. SUDDENLY my lungs deflated and I let out a long sigh. My suitcases WERE SEARCHED! Could the ONE rifling through my possessions have taken them???? I tell you that it isn't wise to even remotely covet something unless you can keep it on your person or by your side AT ALL TIMES. I shit you not!   So it's down to ...they are in a suitcase ( I know deep inside they are not), someone searching my luggage took them....orrrrrr my grandson Gil.  I prefer to believe it was someone that works for the shipline. One more of "life's lessons." Here today...gone tonmorrow.
NEXT...it was....all the costume jewelry I no longer like as much as I did when I bought it....could be taken apart and used to make lovely trinket boxes. I had visions running through my head.  Like who am I kidding! Knit one, purl two....is few and far between. That car seat blanket I started is maybe ....just maybe....on row eight. sighhhhhhhhhh  Two rows REPEATED! Crocheted.  How's that for using your brain!

Sorry that I didn't say goodbye. Hit the sack again at 4:45 a.m. determined to get more zzzzzzzz's. Once again my Ginger had deserted me. Again I lay there tense (this time the covers held tight under my chin) and waited and waited.  More shit rolled through my brain....I've forgotten it ( that's okay) and I slept til five minutes of seven. I woke, hubby woke and Ginger emerged from the small kennel in my room ( that is/was Lady's ) her little caccoon where no one was going to leave or disturb her   Okay....she was getting back at me. ;0) USUALLY she always can be found in our bed with one or the both of us.   . Both dogs needed to pee and so did hubby and myself. Jill was already in the bathroom. Gil...I never saw him during the night, but I hear sounds that lets me know he is in his room. Have found out ( by these middle of the night forays)....he doesn't snore. Quite a catch for some young woman if he ever straightens his shit out and gets a job that will pay the bills.
Speaking of bills....that's on my LIST TO DO today and if I hadn't of been able to fall back to sleep....I would have had that done. Can't win....can I.  
It's a beautiful 35 degrees in beautiful downtown Burbank...I mean the semi ( ever so semi ) rural town I live in.  Gone are the cows and farms. :0(  All of us are guilty of chopping down the large pine trees on thier property. :0( Well...... a few have kept some, BUT not me. This area was named RIVER PINES and one of the older cottages nearby has a plaque on their house that reads JUST THAT. :0)  I love it! The town I live in is very spread out. ????someone before my time.... named the areas so one would know upon hearing a name,  which way to head or where you lived in town. My area follows the Concord River. We have the Easts and Wests. The North. Pinehurst. Nuttings Lake. The Center. Prison Pond which is near the prison. ;0) There are others. 
Just emptied hubby's pot and scoured it with The Works. Looks like new AGAIN. :0) Got him his second cup of java and then stepped on the scale and ran to write that number down. 173.2 .....AFTER I ATE THAT HUGE STUFFED PEPPER a real egg omelet  and some CRAP yesterday??????????????????????????? Lost a pound????. I'll take it. I shit you not! Watch...tomorrow that blankety blank scale will add pounds. :0( You ask why I stepped on the scale? Well I pretty much do that every morning and it dtermines which way my day will go. IF YOU belive that, I'll sell you the Brooklyn Bridge. ;0)
     WE HAVE BEEN LUCKY! :0) If you stood on my roof ( but please don't, I still have that one leak in the boys room:0(  ) , you could see the river.    ONLY the area surrounding Elsie Ave gets flooded in the Spring if the state gets alot of snow. THIS YEAR...It's SAFE!
 Early last evening the baby and his parents stopped in to use the facilities and warm Gavin's bottle on their way home from visiting a moo cow farm/ combo small zoo, chicks, sheep, goats and ICE CREAM STAND that is closer to my house tahn theirs. Jill was home and was happy to see him. Misses him when he is not here. This week her sis visiting her parents from HI with her seven month old Arianna will keep him a few days. Tuesday and ?  Maybe I can get her to start washing some of her displayed purple glassware and packing it up. She mentioned maybe???? 6 weeks ago she was going to start doing that soon.  How soon is...soon?????  It's imperative for my disposition to see some ORDER IN MY HOUSE ....one room at a time. BEFORE WINTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well...I think I will read a few blogs, Comment and get my checkbook out. The checks in the mail ;0)  Cleaning out the vegetable drawer is another FUN PLAN today. ;0)
    OH...and some man from general Electric in east Bum F--k called me yesterday and I pulled the PIN and hopefully ruined his ear drums.  THIS could be HABIT FORMING. I shit you not!

No sooner than I got that exclamation point down and hubby is yelling, help,help. He was hurting and needed to be cathed. Jill assisted me. Led me through it and I did Strike Gold, but not the amount I thought if would be to be hurting. I asked her a few questions and she told me the visiting nurse told her any amount of urine left in his bladder is too much and will cause him pain. What it will do to him medical wise...we don't know. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh   There was blood again. :0(  I do not like the sensation I GET when I push through what feels like a BLOCK. Surely....I will get use to it.
Back to the Drawing Board. Bills to be paid, veggie drawer to be cleaned and if I get that much done, I'll feel a tiny bit better.
    Oh ...I want to scream. SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmm.... NOW I casn't find a way to comment back to each of your comments. WTF happened overnight!  Mistakenly clicked where I was use to clicking ( one entire days worth of practice ) and deleted Trish's newest comment. I have never Deleted a comment. Even intentionally! sighhhhhhhhhh

Watched some mindless TV off and on all afternoon and napped. One program peaked my interest. Tourettes and ADD and ADHD . My son Randy has all them DX's and more. With ADD you fly into rages.  He hasn't called or come around. I just hope he is keeping himself out of trouble. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Tracie came at 3 while I was lying down. Hubby was out in the kitchen and came into our room and said,"fuck face is here.' sighhhhhhhhhh    I didn't let it get to me.

Bought me a gift. I'm like "oh no Tracie...you shouldn't be spending your money on me. I don't need more things. No place to put it. yadday,yadda,yadda. Trust me, I was sincere.  She has a heart of Gold, but it's getting her into trouble financially. It's a older red glass fruit type of bowl she bought in an antique store. . I forget the pattern name. Pretty, but not something I would have bought, but she knows I collect red glass and thought I'd like it. I had a bag of tangelos on my counter and filled the bowl after she left. Never thought she would....sighhhhhhhhhh  I laid across the bench to my pub table.....hoping she's get the HINT and she did. :0)

Sooooooooooooooooooooooo  the W.B. and Alex went to his place after the three of them went to beverly to The Anchor to east lunch. Alex was bored. Jill was napping on her bed one of the times I was up and looked. Sometime around fiveish....no Jill.  She's at the VFW . Just came home for something ( 8:30 )  and asked if I wanted to join her. Gil did....she remarked he can drive as he is not a drinker. One or two. I'm not in any mood to go out. Feeling out of sorts. Keep plodding when I do get off the bed trying to do something that is bothering me. Filled all the bird and suet feeders. Sorted and filed two months of receipts. Found the receipt for the new A/C son Randy insisted that I needed for the boys bedroom. 8000btu's. The hole cut into the wall is not big enough to fit this A/C into. I specifically told him the 5000btu's was the right size ....but no,no,no. He had one reason after another why I should get the bigger one with more btu's. It's going back to Lowe's. I shit you not!

One foot in front of the other. Rest. Plod,plod,plod.

When I am in no mood to go shopping with Tracie and out to eat.....I must be sick or sumpin..;0)

8:45 p.m.

A hot dog and mac salad for lunch and now I filled a bowl with cold leftover spaghetti. YUM!  Cold spaghetti and cold pizza...hots good too. This must be doing wonders for weight loss. Pasta and hotdog on a while roll. Oh welllllllllllllllllllllllll

Monday...Monday

HOLEEEEEEEEEE CRAP!  This can't be right! I love my scale...this morning. 170.1

After the crap i ate??? Must be a misprint ;0) Sitting and laying on one's ass and eating CRAp IS NOT CONSUVIVE TO LOSING WEIGHT, but I'LL TAKE IT!

7:30 a.m. and Gil is showering. hmmmmmmmmmmm

 Must have been being good. :0)

The entire house was woken when Jill came home at 11 p.m. Cash was apparently sitting in the parlor window waiting for her and began howling and whining at first sight of her. WHICH got Lady yapping and eventually the hackles on Ginger's back went up and she started he warning bark. sighhhhhhhhhh  Whereas she sleeps with us..,.it woke hubby.  :0(

I woke numerous times during the night, but always manages to drift off and sleep. :0)

Surprising ....with all the day naps that I had.

This morning I feel human. I shit you not!

In talking with Jill this morning I learned that the W.B, called her yesterday after he went to his house and instead of saying, " I have the opportunity to earn overtime ( big money ) and would you please watch my daughter Alex for me so that I can accept those hours tonight?'  He said. " You never do a fucking thing for me. I could work tonight, but you never help me out, yadda, yadda,yadda. WHICH...raised her hackles. I shit you not! Alex's mother must have refused to let him bring her home to her ( Must have had plans with her lover and his daughter goes those same visitation times to her mother. )  THIS must have SET HIM OFF and he takes it out on Jill. Sent her a text later. "You fucking worthless piece of shit."  What beautiful love talk. hahahahaha

AGAIN... she is saying HE MUST GO!  I listened and YES...I did say that he is always running her down to make himself feel better about himself and she in turn compartmentalizes and is NOT the person she could be and has been. He drags her down mentally.Like me...she doesn't retailliate and give him some of his own choice words back,  (Well..like the "old me." )   She has her mind made up to hand him his ring back AGAIN. Says she would rather be ALONE instead of  getting HIS BULLSHIT .

After he drives his daughter to NH to school and if today this isn't a regular work day ...he will be drifting here in a few hours to work with his boss finishing my front stairs. 

MIGHT be an intersting morning.

It's 8 a.m. Time for hubby's morning meds to be dispensed. Gil tied our ONE and ONLY bathroom up and hubby had to use his pot. :0(  Got that mess cleaned. Pee EEw .....  Okay world....toss whatever shit you have for me today my way........I'M READY!   (((hugs)))Pat

That's All Folks!

D D When you can't sleep you let your fingers walk at 3 a.m. sighhhhhhhhh

If you met me in person you would not think that I am the same person that writes in her diary and posts it. You...... would never recognise me. You would find me rather quiet....boring maybe even. sighhhhhhh
I do not say the F word in public or around most persons.  Friggin or freakin is my words of choice.
To this day I can still remember my first husband slapping the shit out of my face when I said the word FUCK. He said it all the time. For no reason at all. Just to say it!  After a few years of listening to him use that word on me...I got brave OKAY maybe even stupid and blurted out, fuck,fuck,fuck. Got my face slapped good. I DID!
BUT DAMN.... it felt good to say it and therefore I'm damned glad I said it! I shit you not!
I'd have to get to know you pretty well before I could cut loose. Loosen up, so to speak.
I use to sit in the last row at seminars and even at W.W.Meetings. I am over coming that. For months now, I head for the front row...and watch...people like I was....go for the back row when there are plenty of front and second row seats available.  Why is it that we do that???? Beats moi! I do know that by loosing weight I feel more secure about my person. When I worked...I WAS THIN ( size 10) so I don't have a slight idea why at seminars I would TAKE A BACK SEAT , so to speak. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
The NEW ME..................

I have been shit on until I have had it up to my mouth and I'm not going down... WITHOUT A FIGHT. I shit you not!

Kissing ass.......it really doesn't make you feel good.....nor does being a bully. At least for me it doesn't.  I have always tried to treat people like I want to be treated.  Has it worked for me?  Not always. Not even half of the time, but I wouldn't want to be any different. 

The DOOR MAT THING really had to go though. I shit you not!

A little humor, cause...well we could use some ;0)

Hubby was holding up one of his white wash cloths the other night and telling me that a black bug ( of unknown species ) was on it. He asked me if I wanted to see it.   I'm like....really not interested in seeing the bug and told him to just kill it. It was here that he told me he was and that this was the third washcloth that had a bug on it. THAT peaked my interest, so I looked over at the wash cloth. THAT isn't a black bug I told him. "What is it then...it is too a black bug" says he. Over and over I repeated what it was and he couldn't understand me. It's black marker, I kept saying. Finally he understood what I was saying BUT would not concede that I was telling him the truth. "Look here. Here are it's legs he is saying as he picks at the fiber repeatedly. Over and over I tried to make known that what he was seeing was the fiber of the terry cloth material. Ya know what...I still don't know if he got it....but he shut up about it and I could hear the program on tv. :0)

Way back when...I only had white towels.hand towel and wash cloths, I marked the ones he used to wipe his private parts ( pecker ) with a big mark so that we wouldn't be putting them up to our face. UGH!

THEN I thought to myself...SELF why not just buy colored towels for the rest of us to use and let him have all the white.  I'm smart like that...SOMETIMES! ;0) I shit you not!

I hear stirring in my bedroom. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

YEP...It's pee time for hubby.  #?  Who's counting! We gave each other a peck ( make that 2 pecks) and said goodnignt at ten. Old habits are hard to break.....NO IT"S NOT EVEN THAT!  I still feel something for him. Call me screwed up.....whatever! I wish/yearn to lean into him and kiss him with passion, BUT sadly I can't make myself do that.  Only hurting myself...you say.  You are probably right. I too have been known to "cut my nose off to spite my face.: :0(

How many years do we have left...at seventy five? Me thinks sadly, NOT ENOUGH!

   I want...I want pretty words and someone to comfort me. Hubby told me almost from the "git go" that if I wanted to hear pretty words to find someone else. Can't say I wasn't duly warned. "I'm here, arn't I" were his sweet words.

Gil just woke to pee and I hear hubby call out, "who's there?" So I told him ...Gil and I. I'm stuck, says he. I go in to see while Gil heads back to bed. There was no urgency in hubby's voice....He's on his commode and is having difficulty getting his brain to work to rise up off his commode. What are you doing using your commode instead of your urinal,I ask. "I don't know how I got here", he says to me.  He's completely naked. Is dribbling onto his feet and needs to be wiped up. Get him onto the bed and he tells me the pad under him is soaked. Dumbass me is from Missouri. The Show Me State. Ran my hand over the pad.....yep, he was right. It was easier to lay a dry pad on top of the wet one and get him settled. I have the bottom one pinned with those ( REMEMBER THEM?) LARGE  CLOTH DIAPER PINS. He's a boy, so I bought them in BLUE. ;0)

Gave him his middle of the night pain pill and I'm sure he will sleep for hours now. Lucky him.

Sometimes....sometimes....I envy the fact that he has everything done for him ( pretty much). NO STRESS....no feeling harried .... no this, no that.  Ya I know, he still hears the commotion in this "Looney Bin".;0)

Quiet house....once again. I can hear the fish tank water recycling. AND the motor to the heat system running. Most times I have to check the thermostat to see if it's on or off when hubby yells he is cold. Yep...that noisy in here !!!

I sometimes worry that my yearning for a soft touch and a kind word...will get me into trouble. 

BUT NOT OFTEN!  Or....is that OFTEN ENOUGH?

I want to feel like laughing, do things as a pair, the sex part....I can do without. Not that I have not liked it. It's just not neccessary. Have heard that most men my age can't get it up.  NO PROBLEMO!

Oh my goodness!  What will my kids think if they read this when I am gone? THEIR MOTHER WAS HUMAN???????????  THAT....I AM!

Can you believe it's almost 4a.m.? There is a whole day out there in front of me, which means FODDER for my Diary. I dread the unknown ,,,,cringe when the phone rings....know that what I have to say to my son Randy( if he ever comes arond again ) he's like the W.B. with his threats of never coming back.  His fuse is short. He must not be taking his meds to control his behavior. Well. sort of control it. sighhhhhhhhhhhh Will he fly off the handle...or listen to what I have to say to him.  He does not have to watch out for me. He makes his own mistakes, I can make mine in whom I chose to do the work in and out of my house. Never again talk to my workers like you did. You follow through on any of your threats to them it will land you in prison...AGAIN! 

He even threatened to them that IF THEY BUILD IT, he will tear it down. LIKE.... WTF!

Is there any reason why I had trouble falling back to sleep tonight??? 

Dreams.....weird dreams lately. I want to find where those trees are located. Huge tall trees with many branches covered in lavender flowers and huge round balls that look like they are made of 1 inch wide lavender satin ribbon wrapped around them... hanging /dangling from it. A Disney tree??? 

STUNNING TREE. I shit you not! I did knock on someones door to inquire, but forgot the name they gave me. :0(

Tracie came last night. The colonostopy went well and best of all ...NO POLYPS. Next one  will be 5 years down the road.   I.....Yeah me....have never had one.  MOI BAD!  I'm INVINSIBLE////don't you know that???? 

I heard Gil's cell phone ringing minutes ago. Who the Hell would be calling him at this ungodly hour? Certainly not a job... He did work last night with his mom catering. He must have shut it off, cause I did not hear his voice. In the sq.footage I have...I WOULD HAVE!

I begged off going out to eat. really wanted to, but it was just me HOME and although I have left hubby alone sometimes, I knew I had plenty of leftovers and food to make to eat. :0) She left around 8:15 to catch Good Thymes before they closed at nine. I beat my rearend to the fridge and made the wrong choice..... nuked up one of the tubs of American Chop Suey that Jill prepared for Logan. Yum. There goes the scale.It doesn't lie to me.   sighhhhhhhhhhhh

He won't miss it because............ he left from school or before school was dismissed to go with his dad for the weekend. Jill is not aware yet of where he is.  Last night I entered Facebook so Tracie could see the latest pics of her neice Jamie. WHO's POSTING in Logan's Facebook that I can see, BUT the lovely Miss Julie. Letting his ? WHO know that he is having a grand old time at the Marriot Hotel in Rhode Island with her and two others ( the ex from Hell and her son Erzi ) waiting for the Bar Exam results. Now who the Hell is this intended for??? Logan is with her....so he knows where he is...ya think. No child support has come into this house in ages......they cry poor mouth (yet she gets hers for Erzi) and they are WHERE????????????????  They can't get bar Exam rsults in their own home.  Ohhhhhhhhh you know that I am waiting for the right moment this morning to let Jill know where they are. I'm MEAN LIKE THAT. I shit you not!   Nothing like rubbing it in our noses Julie. Thank you. She is always telling Facebook where they are. Went to such and such place with Logan and Erzi for ? or to do this. Had /having a great time. Yadda,yadda,yadda,  Hidden message....Eat Shit Jill!!!

Gil's phone went off/rang again. Again I hear no voice.

JILL IS TO BLAME... it's her decision not to take him into court because NOW it's Logan that has begged her not to put his daddy in jail.  She is of the belief....that he will get his come uppance someday.  Wonder if she'd feel the same if she hasn't had me to suppot her and her two sons ( my grandsons ) for twelve years. sighhhhhhhhhhhh  

Gil just got up to use the bathroom again. WTF! It's now 4:20 a.m.  Did ask him about his phone going off. It's his alarm clock he told me. It's messed up. So...I suggested he pull the plug on it. His answer was he has put it on vibrate.  Guessing this is his cell phone alarm. I'm not hip on this stuff. Ut oh...I hear stirring coming from my bedroom. WHAT NOW? Hopefully hubby is just changing position. Rose from my seat and peeked in. He is laying prone...IN BED. Then I made my way to the coffee machine to make another cup of coffee.

THX to Pinterst and Facebook,  I am FULL of these quotes! ;0)
Gil is up again. When I inquired as to why, he said he can't sleep. Went to his mom's bedroom. Probably to borrow a cigarette. It's 4:35 a.m. YEP...he emerged. I was RIGHT!
    From the looks of the containers in the sink....Jill and Gil made leftovers to eat when they got home most likely around midnight. I didn't hear them come in.....:0)
So what did I just do but take the box of Wheatables Nut Crisps ( Toasted Pecan ) off the counter to munch on with my coffee. Shaking my head here. My counter over floweth with all kinds of snacking foods and...pears and bananas. I ate a pear before bed.   At the W.W.Meeting I found something new out. :0) Buy grapes, ( I like sweet grapes) wash them and remove them from the stems and put into a measuring cup. Empty into a zip lock bad and freeze them. They end up sort of like the consistancy of a popsicle and take longer to eat, than just popping fresh ones in you mouth. I froze rwo zips  yesterday. :0)
AFTER this cup of coffee, I will try to lie down again.
I haven't called and talked to my daughter Cheryl in over a week. It's not right that I don't make the call instead of her most of the time.  Just don't know how to deal with some of her problems. She asks for advice and  ( when given) then gets huffy and pissed off. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhYa can't win....I shit you not! Today, I will make the call. I love my kids....but why do I feel so detached from them???????????????  I'm NOT NORMAL....me thinks. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I always get the feeling that I would like to distance myself from them. Well most of them. HELL NO....ALL!  Okay.....my brain and body are tired. Here's hoping with two cups of coffee in me I find sleep. It doesn't seem to effect my falling to sleep if I drink it before bed, but there is always a first time. Is hubby stirring again? DUH! Light dawns on moi...it's the flying squirrel running on the hampster wheel. DUH!  Flying squirrels are NOCTURNAL Pat. BBL Preferably after some more zzzzzzzzzzz.s.

SUCCESS!!
More zzzzz's with only one disturbance ( a few of the dogs needed out to pee)
I HAD A DREAM!  Some woman I know not whom was visiting me and inquired as to how I could live in the conditions ( dirty rugs, not so nice surroundings, ) the picture was even worst in my head / dream than IT IS. WT Hell was that about!  I remember patiently explaining to her my reason/reasons. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   Sounded good to moi, but for the life of me I can't remember what I said in response to her question. .  At least I was satisfied. That's all that counts. GO AWAY!
It's just efffin material stuff. ALL PILED IN MY LIVING ROOM. NO RHYME, NO REASON! I shit you not! Judge for yourself!

In the PILE is a gate to keep Cash out of the boys bedroom when baby Gavin is in there. The baby's jumper (  hangs from my diningroom ), A support pillow that I use to have a use for and hate to get rid of in case I ever need one again, my Ginger's travel pee ad thingie, a vac,a few empty large boxes for Jill to put the glassware she displays on shelves in her room ( if she ever gets around to cleaning them and packing them away so her walls and ceiling can be painted and wood flooring put down. Have no idea when I will hire someone to do it. Finally got a referral and sit procrastinating about making that call. The thingie that holds the baby's car seat in Jill's car......and the blue thing is what I am putting my winter clothes into as I come across them and eventually it will go out into a shed. EVENTUALLY!  Key word here! 

A bookcase. Piled with CRAP that I have no idea where to put. Only the old dishes can be tossed. Jill's shoes. The kids and her ice skates. Junk too good to toss away in the trash. Empty small stacking storage containers( for what I planned to use them for), I do not remember. Weights that were Gil's and now possibly are Logans. They STILL may be Gil's, I haven't asked. I think a few games may be there. Pretty huh!

Let's see if I can decipher what's in this picture. Logan's XBOX Rock Band setup.He hasn't played it in a year. A tub containing ? and it's double use is an end table for XBOX controls and the likes. Cash's toy box.

Our lovely livingroom furniture... Two PC chairs , folding chair with the W.B.'s lobster pot and gloves ( peas porridge hot... two days old )

A new wall A/C unit that Jill wants for her boys room and Randy purchased. ( with my money) ONLY HE knew the BTU's and size needed. SO HE SAID!  Who's installing it????Beats the hell out of moi.  More plastic tubs holding various shit of Logan's that would make his room would look like shit if it was in there. MUCH OF IT...he is too old for and it needs to be tossed or donated. There is a basket ball on the floor by the front window. I don't know if it was captured in a picture. Let's not sweat the small things...shall we!

Now this picture is self explanatory. ;0) Travel transport chair, PC, a water gun, more Rock Band ( guitars ) boogie board, a football , under the PC table is a karaoke machine that the W.B. gave to Logan. Does it work? Have never seen it used. THE WHITE CASE is my Singer Sewing machine. In my defense, I must say, I had it where that karaoke machine was and someone moved it. LMFAO.  Too, I barely know how to operate it. sigh! Sewing machines are not my forte'. If you can believe this...I bought it to sew a straight line so I could add length to our top sheets. ME BAD and SOFT as as sneaker full of shit! !  Gimmeee a crochet hook or knitting needles.

Gavin's sqweal toy!!!  He loves being placed in his car seat in front of the koi's. :0)

Pail to fill tank that holds net,etc. ATTRACTIVE....noooooooooooo?????

IT DON'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS! I shit you not! ;0)'HOUSE BEATIFUL!

HOME SWEET HOME! That woman in my dream HAD SOME NERVE! I shit you not!;0)

What you say....take a torch to it! ;0)

Where to even begin to declutter........leaves me with no answers. I just don't care anymore.
My shit...is bad enough. The others in this household shit is...overwhelming!

The visitng nurse left a message on my house phone. She called the urologist he told her that at the very minimum he wants hubby cathed morning , noon and night. It's detrimental to his health.!!! WTF!  Well again this morning...he wants no one to touch him. NO WAY, NO HOW! 
LOOK....I can only do so much. I can lead him to water, but I can't make him drink it.!
I say AND SOON....PUT a permenant cath in him! The sooner ....THE BETTER! 
How much tighter can you tighten the noose around my neck! Making time for me..is hard to come by as it is. I'm loosing interest in everything. The Quick Sand is pulling me down. sighhhhhhhhh
How do you come to THAT ABOVE...after THIS??????????????

....and I worked full time.......  did all my yard work too. 
 
Don't get me wrong. I raised 9 kids in this wee house, took my mom and dad in until they passed ( would do it all over again )and THEN once I had the "empty nest",  I  created an invironment I was happy and LUCKY to be in.

SHIT HAPPENS!
Well...if you will excuse me I have two weeks of hubby's meds to put together. I have 3 weekly containers and waiting til all three are empty almost pushes me to THE EDGE!

The day is young. I'll BB......................

Meds filled. I was shaking by the end of it. Awesome responsibilty.
Jill looked like she was headed out around noon. I asked where to. To buy cigarettes is what she told me. Well...her car was still here. Later on Gil woke, showered and took off in it.  Earlier I heard W.B. answer his cell phone to his daughter Alex and say I'll pick you up at 10:30.baby girl. Then I heard Jill later say to him that it was her day off.  Translated means ...I don't want to be around kids today. I could be wrong and Butch aka W.B. may  have come back and picked her up. SOMEHOW...I don't think that I am wrong. I shit you not!

The pair of mallard ducks. Don't look at the yard. It's almost as bad as the inside of my house.

Okay...I've been wrong before and I WAS WRONG. Jill came back with the W.B. and Alex from having lunch at The Jade Pacific. I hear that Alex found something she likes ....Beef and brocolli.  One of my favorites and Logans. Now Jill is amusing Alex while the W.B. and his buddy Steve work on my front porch.  She wanted her dad to take her to his house and play dolls with her.  HE was in a bad mood. Thought there would be no work today as Steve was suppose to be watching his kids while his wife worked in the E.R. today.  He told Alex grumpily that he wasn't playing dolls with her today. "Go ask Jill to do something with you."        

;0) Just leave moi out of this.   No curls put in her hair today.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet...I should shower and take off while Jill is tied down here. ;0)

Just cathed hubby. He wanted me to do the noon one...even though he wasn't hurting. Glad Jill was here to tell me what I was doing wrong. AND I WAS....;0)

I was really, really hoping that he would not let me cath him. RATS!!!!

Two O'clock found me making stuffed peppers BEFORE the peppers went bad. ;0) I bought 80% burger instead of 85%. Let's see what hubby's bitch is now. Jill is doing a great job with Alex. Took her to CVS with her and ohhhh she only ate a few bites off of dad's plate of beef and Brocolli, so Jill took her to Mickey D's while dad continued working on my porch.  HE HAD OTHER PLANS for his day, BUT his boss nipped them in the bud. Called him to ask where he was while they were at Jade Pacific. I was wondering why he was going it alone the past hour or so on my porch. NOW I know!.

Jill got a call from Logan telling her that their van was broken into at the Marriot and a lot of expensive stuff was stolen. GPS, speed radar thingie ( he's such an upstanding citizen) and I can't remember what else.  Logan's IPAD that I bought him for Christmas was in plain sight and the thieves didn't take it. NOW this makes me think it may be an INSIDE JOB. He's been known to make false claims to insurance agencies before. Set his own  house on fire to collect and added many things that were not even in the home to THE LIST.I'm hoping that insurance companies have got smarter and have the owner take a Lie Detector Test.  If not...shame on them.   Since Jill and he have been divorced ...his house was the ONLY ONE struck by lightning and he got all new TV's and other electronics.  I don't  know how you can pull that off, but if there is a way...he did it!

Time to give hubby his meds and I'm toying with the idea of laying down beside him....hoping to nod off.  Wish me luck.

INSTEAD ...I went to Comments.

 Hubby has Depends. Finds them cumbersome to pull down quick enough to use his urinal.  Therefore he dribbles in one Depend after another and changes immediately. .  He would rather save us from going bankrupt.... and only wears them when he has to go out. ;0)

He wears shorts that are loose around his legs and his penis can be reached easily with his urinal without pulling them down...BUT he  forgets....he dribbles.;0) One way to look at it is, changing his shorts is less expensive.

I laid down at three. Tracie came almost immediately after I lay down. :0(  Told her I was staying in...wanted a nap...STILL she yakked for an hour. Napped from four to five. :0) 

Jill took a nap while W.B. took Alex to Natick to the American Doll place cause she wanted a puppy for her doll. Good daddy. ;0)  Then the three of them went to Jill's least favorite place to eat. She didn't eat, but the W.B. was making smacking noises when he left here saying he was having prime rib and Alex was having haddock.  She's in bed. It's almost 9:30 p.m. and he has gone to his own residence with Alex. Paid his rent yesterday. The first of May is..... how soon???

Going to call it a night myself. Entertained the thought of going out for awhile....but I'm too pooped.  Did shower. :0) 

UT oh...forgot. I have to cath hubby before I call it a night.  (((hugs)))

This is SO NOT RIGHT!  3 hours of sleep. Woke at one a.m. to pee and again I could not fall back to sleep. No pains...hubby is asleep, IT'S INSANE.  One hour later I threw in the towel and here I sit before you.

That's All Folks!