D D Slow and steady

go I!  Took a shower around five p.m. IF I had my DRUTHERS, I'd have stayed in bed and rotted for a second day. Knowing that won't solve a thing, I talked some sense into myself.  Showered and dressed.
Son Randy came here around noon to put my old/new PC together in my room and do some other things that have been left unfinished. Couldn't keep his mouth shut about what he sees as WRONG around here. Like Gil watching tv or playing an XBOX game instead of getting a job. Kept making snide remasrks that could be heard BY ALL in the household.  Which is ironic... because Randy has had himself in a whole shitload of trouble ....even before he was a teenager. HE SEES WRONG IN EVERYONE BUT HIMSELF!!!!!  Couldn't keep his mouth shut and pissed Jill off BIG TIME. TODAY is NOT THE END OF IT!  Everyone seems to think they can put their two cents in about what goes on in this house. THESE ARGUMENTS should not be even taking place IN MY PRESENSE! I shit you not!
I listen to him and want to run away. I listen to her and want to run away. Then hubby gets going and I want him to GO AWAY.
THEN....ever so present in my mind is the plight of my nephew Drew and what is going to happen with him. On top of THAT...I am sick and tired of having to leave the house with Tracie.  THIS IS MY HOUSE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I reminded hubby that his sister Ann's birthday was today, so he called her. Just as I opened the bathroom door to come out so that Gil could use it to pee, I heard him telling her ( for the umpteenth time) how Tracie won't leave our room so he can pee. That's BULL SHIT, I yelled out the bathroom door.
Thoughts of grabbing a pillow and going to a parkinglot to get rid of all the unwanted shit is steadily building up to a cresendo ....where I want to run away SCREAMING....is looking attractive.
I hear Mike NOW complaining to Randy that the new sliding door sill is too high. It seems it to me too. He explained that we had a piece of wood there to build up the area in front of it before so that his wheelchair could go in and out easier.  THAT WE DID.... then I hear him ( Randy) say smartily, don't worry about it, Butchie will fix it for you.
I am going to be pissing him off before the day is over. He won't like it when I tell him to stay home for a few days cause we all need a break.
It's after 5:30. baby daddy can't pick him up at the regular time which is around now. Has to work over time. Gavin is fussy. :0(   He was fussy for me this morning. I've LOST MY TOUCH!  :0(
Welllllllllllllllllllll .... Randy no sooner finished up what he was doing....came in and told me he was done doing anything around here for me. Just give him $150 for his old computer and he left PEELING RUBBER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Now it's a fucking argument that hubby wants to give me..Tells me Randy did nothing while I was away and I paid him for it. WTF!  He's BAT SHIT!
I'm going to make him something to eat and getting the fuck out of here. See ya!

Sat around too long thinking of my next move. Tracie came through the door at 7:30.  She dropped her car keys between her car seats AGAIN. Needed a flashlight, a broom and a black trash bag. DON'T ASK ME!  I'll tell you anyway. ;0) Obviously the flashlight was to see where her keys were and the broom handle was to push them out. The black trash bag was to put all the cans and bottles she collected around town last night and threw in her car. :0( She had babs and bags of SHIT up on the hood of her car, beside her car and on the roof of her car. ALL THIS so she could get in the back to work her keys out from under the seat.  I COULDN'T KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT! Asked her what the fuck all that shit was. "I told you it's shit I can't bring into my apartment until it's inspected again", she says. I told her her new car looked LIKE SHIT and it was A CRIME!. Before that....I TOLD HER I WASN'T GOOD COMPANY!   I never thought we'd get out of my driveway. I shit you not!
I was in no mood to go shopping and it really was efffin late....so we went to Good Thymes to eat.
Home here by 9:30 and she left. Jill was in bed. So was Gil. Hubby was sound asleep.  Played with the idea of going to the VFW. Jill told me tonight it would be packed for the Meat Raffle.
INSTEAD I sit here writing in My Diary.  OHHHHHH well. There are OTHER DAYS AND NIGHTS! I shit you not!
Think I'll now call my best girlfriend in Alaska.  She must think that I fell off the face of ther earth.
Talk tomorrow. Nite!

THIS SUX TOO! Woke this morning to a new blogger. They've f 'n changed me to new blogger without my consent. I HATE CHANGE and none of their (change) has been much if any good.  Now I'll have to be hunting around for everything.
These people behind the scenes must be like our government leaders and lie awake at night figuring out how they can Fock with our minds SOME MORE. :0(
Oh well.....right off the bat I can see I need to make a spelling change in my profile. THAT/IT stands out like a sore thumb with "my profile" bared for all  peeps to see without having to bother to click on it to show that they were interested in learning about me.  DO I SOUND NUTS? ;0)  Hell, I AM NUTS! I shit you not!  
Talked to my girlfriend Nancy til midnight when her husband banged on her bedroom wall to let her know he wanted his nightly ice cream. It was 8 p.m. there and he goes to bed at nine.  ( They have seperate bedrooms. :0) :0) :0)  Jealousy will get me nowhere. ;0)
To refresh your  memory....he had a stroke a few years back that effed him up on one side of his body. While he isn't QUITE AS INVOLVED as my hubby....he's CLOSE and she has to do everything for him. Same prostate problem too which involves a load of pissy clothes a day to wash. Same problem with the effffen taste buds. Her cooking now sux , BUT he likes TV DINNERS. I should live so long. I SHIT YOU NOT!  Hubby won't eat anything NUKED!
Okay....OKAY...what's this "blogger wants to track your physical location"????   BIG BROTHER???????????????????
Where the Hell is SAVE??????????

 Ohhhhh there it is...way the F up at the top of the page. Something tells moi that my already fragile mind is about to SHATTER like glass.
When something becomes "WORK" instead of "enjoyment"..............sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
I don't have time for guessing games and "play"!

Okay......I'm off to see how the rest of the land lays.  Something tells me from the little I've seen that finding all my friends is going to be a little harder. (((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D At loss

Maybe because there doesn't seem to be a way to manage the cross I am carrying. That sounds dramatic...I know.  One never gets more than one can bear....so I've heard. To be truthful....To My Mind, that sounds so true. .Hubby's inappropriate, unexcusable behavior with my daughter seems like Apples to Oranges compared to others plight. NOT THAT I am excusing his behavior. FAR FROM IT!  It's how she,  I and now that I have his daughter involved..... are going to handle IT and our EMOTIONS. He refuses to admit doing any wrong and that's been his way all along. He told his daughter that he rather go into a nursing home than see a shrink.
Was it Saturday....Sunday that he claimed my daughter Jill came through the front door falling down drunk and from there painted a completely different story of what transpsired. ?????  She admits to squatting on her honches to hug Cash when he greeted her and his weight knocked her off balance.  She was drunk, but not so drunk  as to not feel hubby squeeze her boob. He claims...she may have brushed against his hand and it hit her boob when she rose up from the floor using his walker to steady herself. SHE CLAIMS and I BELIEVE HER as does Michelle that he copped a feel.
Michelle came Monday night to let him know she is fully aware of what he has been doing ( thinking that might embarrass /shame him into not doing anything that could be construed wrong or IS UNACCEPTABLE.  Tonight the three of us will confront him as he told me a different story as I was not in on the conversation that Jill and Michelle had with him Monday night. Michelle told Jill that she was too emotionally exhausted to spend more time after I got home, reliving what just went down.
When I came home she gave me a big hug and told me she would see me Wednesday ( which is tonight. ) her regular night to spend quality time with her dad and watch American Idol with him.
I would never have involved her. Jill told her months ago what has been happening.  The tewo of them have always confided in each other. SHE like myself would take things to the grave with us and she will do just that with her 3 siblings by her moms second husband. He repeatedly raped and molested her when she was under the age of 13. Even as late as today she makes excuses for him. HE WAS DRUNK! Told me the other day that she truly believes he is a changed person ( he stopped drinking) ( she did confront him after she came to live with us as her therapist recommended.) he did go to a session ( at least one that I know of ) and admitted what he did and apologized. Of course....saying he was drunk and didn't remember it )  ). It wasn't til a few years later that her mother divirced him and he would always act hateful towards her back then.  SHE chose to go back as her mother was an alkie and her siblings needed her to help care for them. ONLY AFTER she was married ( and an emotiional train wreck that she saught  professional help.   Continued to see him as he was Eddie,Timmy and Kathleen's father and she NEVER/EVER wants them to know about their dad and take away the picture they have of him. She wants to take it to her grave with her.  Even had him as a guest at her wedding so as not to create suspicion amongst them. She has been committed, she has comitted herself , she has taken meds ON and OFF . Off and on she relapses, just like my son Terry ....she  deems herself medically cured ( feels great ) and takes herself off the meds. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
NOT GOOD!  As for MYSELF ...I want my HAPPY PILLS and would like the dose increased!

Her mother ( even after she divorced him ) remained friendly with him ( heard from Michelle after she passed away that she thinks her mom never stopped loving him. He came to spend time chatting with her all during her last months of life and was at her wake and funeral. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of even making eye contact with him. Who knows the reasons that we do the things we do. sighhhhhhhhhhhh
I myself have heard her refer to hubby #3 as Her Soul Mate and he was out screwing atound and making a new life for himself with another woman as she lay dying.  Then he took off to FL to live with her and is wearing a wedding ring....even though he hasn't told Michelle he got married.  SHE is HURT over the way he behaved as her mother lay dying.  He MUST KNOW how well she will accept that info...............   Like.....why am I even writing this? ???????????????????????
Is what I am dealing with any less ? Is my pain different than Michelle's mother's was? I think not!
Each of us walks to the beat of a different drummer.
I still don't know where this will end. Emotionally , I'm about SPENT! I shit you not!

I went to the VFW again Monday. Tuesday I kept myself somewhat busy out in the back yard. The weeding didn't last long. Too damn hot out then.  Came in...showered and took off with Tracie.til almost 11 p.m.  I know that " the bar scene" isn't the answer....but damn, the adult conversation really, really felt good. I shit you not
Today is Wednesday and I am in yard work clothes, BUT will shower .dress and BAIL OUT if he gives me any shit! What a hell of a way to live.......sigh. 
TONIGHT.....He best agree he has a problem and AGREE to getting some HELP.
He told me awhile ago that I don't do much for him in reply to something, I said.  I told him I am doing a hellofa lot more than he would do for me under the circumstances.  HE WOULD DIVORCE ME!

Don't look for a post from me every day. Right now, I'd rather wallow in pity and go wherever my heart leads me. Doing absolutely nothing .....sounds good most of the time. I look around and get disgusted. I look at him and feel disgust.  I confided in his visiting nurse today and she told me to call the VA and see if there is a social worker that can come out to the house and talk with me. 
That call is up to me to make.... fearing more rejection is what will keep me from jumping right on it...My problem. Ohhhhh well. My Pity Party and I'll cry if I want to.
BBL....Like maybe tomorrow.
Screw the yard.... as soon as I give hubby his 2 p.m. meds, I'm hitting the bed.

Slept til 4.  MAYBE it was my cold dragging me down today. I was coughing my head off earlier. My son Randy came....attempted to hook the TV up to the new PC and there are 2 while wires with this PC and a white and blue wire with my JUST four month older PC that we / HE returned. H/P couldn't resolve the issue.  He gave up....put four knobs up on my new diningroom wall cabinets....left to go purchase 2 tall poles to stain cedar ( just like we have running across the front yard for an effffin dog run.  Came back when????, saw me sleeping and wtote a note leting me know I was sleeping ??????? Will see me tomorrow......and left. 
Shaking my head here.    Coughing/hacking has resumed as the nasal drip.  My "hungry horrors " haven't left me though. :0(  
I'm "USELESS" today.  Going to shower. I TOLD TRACIE LAST NIGHT I WAS STAYING IN TODAY. She best have got the message. I don't feel well mentally or physically.

Our hairdresser was suppose to come at 3:30. Begged off til Friday. Something came up.  No problem.
Never got "Jack" done inside or out. Need to take the old yard clothing off and feel LIGHTER. The water was rusty when I tried to wash delicates earlier. Town must have flushed the fire hydrants.
Nothing .... I mean NOTHING is more appealing to me except for food and....bed.  I'll BB

Now it's six and I still can't seem to get out of my own way. No shower.....did put my weeks worth of pills together just awhile ago. BIG WHOOP!!!!  
Michelle is on her way. Asked her to pick up Kentucky for her dad. Original recipe thighs and 2 sides of baked beans for her dad. Told her to get nothing for moi. I can't think of what I want. Maybe it's because I polished off the last of the Cheetos just awhile ago.  . Trust me....I won't starve.

D  D.....please bear with me. I seem to have too much on my plate and am not getting a damn thing done.

It's a new day. Everything is the same as it was yesterday, the day before that and the day before that!
Still need a shower. 
Oh there is something new. $750 Honda lawn mower Jill picked out.  She mows the lawn .....and as she justified the price.... I hand Randy money hand over fist.
The microwave won't wave.  Yesterday...it waved. WTF! Will ask the kid that I so call hand money to hand over fist if he can check it out when he shows up today.
HE HAS DECIDED that the new HP PC can be returned and my money returned to me also. My old, but not so old PC that has been completely refurbished can go back in my bedroom ( it's in the parlor now) It works with the tv in my bedroom. :0)  HE will give me one of his older PC's for the parlor so that Logan's friends, the W.B. and anyone else have something to use when they are visiting.
Personally, I don't really care if there is one in the parlor, BUT HE does not want them using MINE OR LOGAN's . They may F it up and go into sites that will give my expensive PC's a VIRUS!    .
Sooooooooo glad he looks out for me. Yeah....right!    I must be senile and have no clue!!!!!!!!

I'm babysitting Gavin. I just found it out this morning. Jill had to take Gil to court on some old thing that he was a bystander/witness/accompliss to????
He is propped up in bed with papa watching Sponge Bob and from the sounds he is making he must be getting ready for his bottle of breast milk.  He's making louder noises.
Okay....Okay...I'm coming   (((hugs)))


That's All Folks!

D D Holding up

This too shall pass.
It's just that the mind gets more fragile with age and the thinking and reasoning  process gets Fucked Up! I shit you not!
Some yard work today will be good therapy. (((hugs)))

For my lesson today, I MUST read this 100 times. Implimenting it....will take MUCH LONGER!

That's All Folks!

D D If it isn't broke.....

why mess with it?
 What's this..... Blogger is getting a new look in April , that I just noticed?????
Have you all upgraded?    If so...the pros and cons are????

Momentarily...I am broken in spirit. THIS TOO....Shall pass!  (((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D Show and tell

Well....show

Eating Wendys chili at the VFW. The apricot brandy and orange juice mixture I drink was on the bar in front of moi.
NO TELL!     I'll tell later. Til then....don't worry about me. (((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D I've been bitten by THE BUG!

The name of this disease I have come down with  is PicMonkey and it's cousin is ipiccy.

Look them up! ;0)

This is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun. I shit you not! 

The original photo was just like this one.

I'm doomeddddddddddddddd! There are not enough hours in the day as it is! sighhhhhhhhhh

CAUTION! This could be habit forming.

 I shit you not! ;0)

Blogger Roe at Arizona Livin' is to blame. ;0) She got the bug from blogger Holly. Holy Crap.....this thing is Contagious. I shit you not!

Jill and Gil left for work right before ten thirty and THAT ALONE gave me some energy. ;0)

They are catering a wedding at one p.m. and setting up the hall takes at least two and a half hours.

Been at halls setting up the wedding cake and I know how long it takes to make sure everything is PERFECT!

Made hubby and I an omelet for breakfast. He's in the shower and I'm giving myself a break. Doing up the dishes and pan and cutting up cantelope is tiring. ;0)   Figuring out where to put half the shit I own...is even more tiring.

This is a new day. Sunday April 15th

Forgot to mention that I had the tickle thingie in my throat Friday and would cough every once in awhile. Forgot to mention that yesterday morning I woke with a sore throat. :0(

Every time I did a little housework, I rewarded myself with a trip to lie down on the bed and then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's. Sometime in the later p.m. my son in FL called and woke me. RIGHT AFTER THAT....Tracie came and parked her ass here for the next three or more hours. I was still wearing pj's. Told her I did noit feel up to going out.  She had been shopping and hit a yard sale. Came bearing .....gifts.  One was a large parlor/bedroom pictire( $5) with an iris on it and the other was a plate ( meant to be displayed ) with an iris and some other stuff on it. that she bought at Marshalls.( $8) Neither one....does anything for me. Call me ungrateful if you mustl.  I have LIMITED wall space!   Besides....she seems to have forgot that she owes me money. Was going to pay back me before I left for FL and .........................

The night before she noticed the fresh pea soup Michelle brought through the front door that her husband Joe made. Commented she hadn't had any pea soup in years.

I ended up heating one of the containers to share with her.  Jill is my only other pea soup lover, so I still have a container for her. And.....yeah I know how many W.W.points there must be in pea soup, because peas are a no-no.  Right up there with potatos.

For the life of moi, I can't remember if Jill and Gil came home while she was still here. They had two back to back jobs. Wedding at the Elks and then the VFW's 50th anniversary.  I had torn apart the fridge looking for the leftover roast beef I put in a baggie and called her asking what she did with it. Charlie/Charlise was looking for an evening meal. She fed it to the dogs. That hamburger that was FRESH when I fed it to hubby last night I could safely say...IT WASN'T! Cooked that up and fed the cat. During that conversation, Jill did mention that she would be home soon. 

Was it around ten when she and Gil came home and Tracie left. ????? For the life of me, I can't remember. ( At this time I inquired as to how Alex enjoyed being there with her helping to set the hall up.) It seems that all she got to do was put favors on all the tables before the W.B. noticed that Gil was wearing the new Firemens sweatshirt with his engine # and location ( that he purchsed for him with his clothing allowance along with a same logo t shirt for the baby Gavin ) and went on a tirade. THAT sweatshirt was only to be worn when he was CLEAN from/of drugs.Now...I do not know if this was the stipulation he was made or not. He himself smokes POT!  Jill told him to take his daughter and LEAVE. (I'm sure she used stronger language ). She said that Alex was having a great time and he had to ruin it with his behavior.      What I DO REMEMBER is being pissed that I missed Dateline NBC Investigations.  Every time that I had to walk into my bedroom for one reason or another and would see the show up on the tv screen .....the wound would open again. I shit you not! I would linger in there. For all the good it did me. FUCK!

Jill took back off to go to the VFW   ..........after party?????   Parting words, "I won't be gone long."

Decided to read my email while I was pinned down at the table with Tracie.

FUCK ME! Another email from nephew Drew. Pat's job only lasted a week.

PLea was renewed to live in the trailer. Answer ASAP even if you just say (((hugs))) just to let me know that you read my email. . Please don't leave me hanging .

It was THEN AND THERE from the way I felt that I remembered I hadn't taken my meds.  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh  Sent him the suggestion that you gave me Mary....Aids Action Committee. Haven't dared to look at my email this morning.

I am sooooooooo torn in every direction! I shit you not!

THEN......daughter Jill fell through the front door and hit the floor at 1:45 a.m. I didn't hear the THUD, but hubby did and when he began hobbling out of the room with his walker ( he doesn't do this in the middle of the night ), I woke. Then I hear her voice and Gil's and hubby's.  Heard her saying she was fine and she could walk, it was Cash that knocked her over when she bent down to hug him. Maybe so...maybe NOT!   She helped hubby to get back in bed. She WAS inebriated!  She told me the other day that there are times she sets off to GET DRUNK and there are times she sets off to have one or two drinks and can walk away and does. I had told her once she starts drinking she doesn't know when to stop so that's how she explained her drinking to me.....  yeah.yeah!

Well....I'm sure she had her excuse to get drunk , as if SHE NEEDED ONE. To piss the W.B. off. He doesn't want her in the VFW caused he has been banned from there and when things are KOSHER between them, she stays away from there.  Can hardly wait for him to come through the front door. NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope he leaves Alex out in his car......sonetimes he does and sometimes she is privy to his tirades. :0(

Hubby tunned the tv on almost as soon as he woke at 7:15.   THOSE HORRIBLE TORNADOS and all the suffering they brought people and I have the nerve to sit here and complain. It takes the fight out of me. I shit you not!  All those peole had no choice in what happened and I DO !  I am an embarrasment to myself! With that said....(((hugs)))

I may take a few days off...... I'm between a rock and a hard place and just want to not wake up in the morning. But I did this morning and I'm sure I have plenty more mornings, so my problems have to be dealt with . Each new day seems to bring new ones. sighhhhhhhhhhhh 

Why....from the beginning of time, have bad things happened to good people???  I hope I never experience the depth of the suffering that people before me and  the present time have suffered. It's mind boggling!   Even sadder, within a day or two.... their trajety and suffering will be forgotten by most of us that weren't affected. After we stop to say a prayer, we go on with are own lives . IF NOT....you would GO NUTS!    I shit you not!   8:05 a.m.  Peace be with you. (((hugs)))

That's All Folks!