D D Despair and the Big Black Hole

Jill and I had a talk last night. I wish other ears were not listening, but Gil lives here and Tracie happened to be here and however the discussion began ....it wasn't something we could end because of BIG  EARS.
I believe....our conversation began  when I made a comment about having to pay some guy when I had a perfectly able bodied grandson. I believe her reply to me set things off and almost set me off, but something made me contain myself. "Maybe if you had paid Gil as well as you are this guy"......which got my dander up and I said to her, "Gil lives under my roof for free, I feed him, I shouldn't have to pay him. My next sentence was," and about last night . Did you ever think that I might be hurt. "
These are not the words spoken.....close, but not the same.
When was the last time I looked at her and listened to her? I really don't know. SHE is in a worst place mentally than I am. She spoke almost robotic.  I listened. She has not bought a card for anyone in a long time. She has No Energy for that. She can't stand there and read verses...she has no energy for that. After her father died, she could no longer bring herself to purchase a Fathers Day card for her ex, has not bought one for Butch and does not buy one for Mike. She doesn't have the strength emotionally to entertain card shopping. She wished me a Happy Mothers Day first thing in the morning, she said. ( yes.....she did. )  "I have not shopped in any store in ages, except a grocery store. "  ( That rings true to me, but I did mentioned they have cards there) What don't you understand mom, she said....I have no energy for this. I heard...I have NO ENERGY spoken in  despair many times last night.
I don't care if I have another birthday, see another Christmas, another Mothers Day. They are pointless days ( she used another word ,which I've forgot .) The desperation ( there's a better word, but I'm unable to think of it ) in her voice, brought me back to the time that I felt like that and I understood where she was....in a big BLACK HOLE. Now as I sit here at 4 a.m., I remember.....she didn't even shop for her first grand baby to be. NOTHING.. She said  last night" he is the one bright spot in my life" . My twenty one year old wants to die at twenty one. My thirteen year old is going to leave me and go live with his father............. 
I asked about help in regards to Gil that his father promised her. MONOTONE...I think is the word I am searching for to describe her voice and lack of being in her body and mind "All communication has been severed" ,she said. "He wants nothing to do with him." I'm thinking yeah.... he told his father off.... and that's a BIG no no and blow to his fathers ego. He must want him to come crying and begging him on his hands and knees. The SOB
What things have happened to bring her to this place in her life. ( This is me talking now) I know that when it happened to me ( same age ) I could not put my finger on anything to have made me feel that same way. I was a babbling idiot in front of my then primary doctor. There was NOTHING going on in my life back then....like there is now.  WHY am I stronger mentally now...then I was back then??? 
I do not know the answer to any of this....nor do I see a light at the end of the tunnel. ... for Jill or for myself. Time....maybe time will help. Time and circumstances.  I wish I was able to grasp and find the words to convey where she is...where I am. In our own "living hell"?
We talked about so many things. Things that I never was aware of back in time.  Wish I was...would things be different..... ???????????????????????????
This must be....why she has no energy to rid herself of Butchie. Her despair is sapping her of all her energy. The futillity of it all. Yes.....I can understand "futillity". Only too well.     I MUST BE the stronger....FOR THE TWO OF US SAKES!

The birds are beginning to sing. It's 4:30. 
Jill suggested that I sleep in her bed and she would sleep in Logans so that I could get a better nights sleep. ( Logan usually goes to dads on Friday, but dad paid for the movie for him and some friends and of course that couldn't wait til Friday or the weekend. ) Dad knows what he is doing....come on to my house, to my house come on. Whatever daddy wants....daddy gets....
We won't go there....THIS TIME!
   At 2:14 a.m. I heard footsteps approaching and felt a presense over me. I turned and saw Gil standing beside the bed, reaching for something on his mother's nightstand. THAT was the end of my sleep. Later on I will find out why it was so important that he come into her room and startle me like that. Looks like I am going to be a "tired puppy" later on today. Nothing new....just the circumstances that made me lose sleep. I tried to fall back to sleep, but then I thought about my purse in my room. I had asked son Randy take it out of my car trunk so that I could pay his helper before he left around 7 last night. Otherwise....it would have been in the trunk of my car. Even as I sit here now I think to myself...maybe he already was in my purse before he came into his mothers bedroom.
I hear, have heard from her that he doesn't sleep well at night due to his drug problem....medications, creepy crawling feeling on his skin....what ever............. 

A lost soul.....those are a few of the words I was searching for to desrcibe Jill's very being last night. It's not fake...it's all too real. sighhhhhhhhhhh  Two hours of taalking to each other....I don't know how to help her....or myself.

We both cursed the man in the other room for what he has done to our lives. He was asleep, but it was therapuedic for us.
She told me that after I left with Tracie the night before that he was saying to everyone, " you see how sad, she's looking.( referring to me) Those people at the V.A. reamed her a new asshole."  WTF is he talking about???
THAT never happened!  Everyone, including his own daughter asked him to stop talking as it was making them uncomfortable and he would stop...then begin over again.  IS IT that evident to him that I am sad? Is my facial expression the same as my broken heart? Are other people noticing?  YES...I am SAD, but not because someone reamed my ass out as hubby in his mind thinks. Or...is he just trying to make himself sound big to others. Who knows, who cares.  At first my thoughts ran to...the psychiatrist gave me her number...I can call her and tell her this story and I can hand the phone over to hubby. Then....reasoning took hold...or I got some common sense. WHY BOTHER! Tomorrow it will be something different.  He is delighting in trying to tear me down in others eyes. Let him have his fun!  Let him say it to me though and he will get it BOTH BARRELS. I shit you not!

I didn't go tanning again yesterday.  Not that I couldn't have...........  Jill was home watching her grandson. Now I know why she doesn't shower while the baby is here. All the energy she has in her ....goes to caring for him.
   Did stop in the VFW for one drink. It was either go to the dry cleaners, then the jewelers ( all in the same strip mall) , then the VFW or pull across almost directly across the street into the VFW parkinglot and have one drink and then go to the cleaners and jewelers ...which is what I chose to do. Bought hubby another Bismark ....the bakery is right there too.
John was there. Usually is... I heard between noon and two.  I sat next to ( what I'm sure ) is a very nice man of another descent ( which made him hard at times to understand ) and he was A TALKER. sighhhhhhh  I was hoping that the OTHER TALKER wasn't there. He wasn't. I just got lucky....oh yeah...unlucky is more like it....and sat next to ANOTHER TALKER. I know plenty about him. Sixty three, married to a German woman who is ten years younger. Great woman , wonderful marriage. No grand kids. two sons. One of which asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he told him a grandchild. His birthday was June 5th. Son is not married. He told him to find a nice girl and settle down. Another son lives in Florida. He goes two weeks once a year to San Diego to one sons. (June 29th he goes to San Diego. He speaks 8 languages and plans on learning two more. He spoke some of them to me and pointed out the likeness in some words in some of the countries like Russia, Poland, etc.   You get the picture! After he left, John said "you're sitting far away"...so I changed seats. We talked here and there in between what was going on in a couple of game shows....which he claimed he doesn't watch often. Neither do I. Too much TENSION building through them!
Found out he likes Country music. Me too. When he said he was going home to move his laundry from the washer to the dryer, I knew then that his girlfriend doesn't live with him.  He doesn't like to leave the washer or dryer running when he leaves the house. ME EITHER. Have read about too many house fires as those as the cause.  There is no spark ( me for him)...doesn't mean that there couldn't be. I just have a concience that I need TO DUMP! I don't know if a fling is in my makeup.  I couldn't just be in a relationship for just the sex/companionship.....whatever you want to call it. I did mention my husband at home needing his meds at two. I'm sure he knew that I am married even if I am not wearing a wedding ring. Lots of people that go in there, including one of the barmaids knows us from years ago. Lived here in the neighborhood as a child. her father and my hubby were friends.
I'm no Polly Pure, being married hasn't stopped me before when I was in a miserable marriage.... It just is not in me to be "the seducer". That " you have nice legs" has to turn into something more from his lips. 


Hubby just woke up  and broke that train of thought up. Asked for a cup of coffee. He never wakes at 5:30 and asks for coffee. Is that a sign ....don't go there.........or a fluke.??? Like...if the spark was lit, I'd listen to my concience.   THAT   ....won't happen.  I'm good....but not that good!
How ....do you flirt? Do the elderly ...flirt?  To put it bluntly...I want to just feel this man's arms around me and from there............
I feel I have too much baggage..............

JUST..... another day in...............Paradise!

My thoughts are running all over the place.
    Is this the reason why Jill has slowly lost all interest in everything, except for drinking??? I've watched the signs for a long time now...her lack of doing all the things she once did, that I assumed was the booze as the culpret. She had gone out after the baby went home and bought and was drinking pino gregio.  Why do I have more mental strength than she does???  What makes some of us stronger than others???

Why do I erase a ? when I put an even number down? Why do I want 3 ???'instead of ????  Five instead of six?????? Only when I put a long line of them like this....????????????????????????, do I not count them.

Jill is awake...it's 6:15. Asked me how I slept....and I told her. Good until.........   When he wakes maybe she can get the answer from him. 

The scale is back up to 175. Now...who's to blame.

Yesterday morning after I handed hubby his coffee, I turned around agin. He was sleeping and holding his coffeee cup. It was an accident waiting to happen, so I woke him up. Like it better when he is sleeping, but a girl does ....what she has to do.

One view from my useless security camera

cedar chips for under the front window, fence sections, retaing wall beams. Cash's pool/water dish combo.

Another....STOP THIEF!    What a freakin mess!

and another

Fence sections waiting to be put up....in time....all in good time.  Son Randy's truck is fixed....please get your tool boxes out of my room....first thing today. sighhhhhhhhh

Bugsy

He's so fast....it's hard to get a good picture.

That fur....is like SATIN! Yeah, I've said it before...will probably say it again...and again. ;0)

IF and when I take a picture of Jill's bedroom that she hasn't touched since well before her uncontrollable nose bleed last October.... you might understand ....what I FAILED TO. All the Warning Signs have been right before my nose. Just a glance into her bedroom when standing at the sink or nuking something is...........  there are no words to describe it. Cobwebs hang.............. nicotine stains everything. her rug...that once was tan. The huge square cut out of it to remove most of the blood stains. Her abuse of Tylenol. ( No one has a headache 24/7. ) How dumb was I. sighhhhhhhhh  NOW...how does she climb out of her Black Hole??????? Will her meds do it for her???  Time??? Meantime will she have a stroke or unintentionally kill herself? All are beyond my control. All I can do is sit back....and wait.  How long can I hold up under this pressure?  A hellofa long time, if I have to!

When  Gil is awake and I hear his explanation, I will post.

Called my closest cousin yesterday to wish her a Happy Birthday. She told me her husband Art's prostrate cancer came back and he is... Stage 4. She cried her heart out. He left her for a younger woman after fifty years of marriage....came back to her when he got ill and told her he had made a mistake. yeah...you can say that. Whether he came back because the younger one wasn't ready to care for him in sickeness or not....Barb was happy. Now he is being taken away from her again after a few short years back together..................... she cried.  Life's a BITCH! Barb is three months younger than myself. Forgive me, but I told her I wished he was taking my husband instead of hers. It was how I felt yesterday....and today. When it happens....maybe not!

Late yesterday afternoon, I gingerly picked up the book, Shades Of Grey and began to read it. I am twelve pages into it and thus far....don't know what all the hype is about. IT HAS TO...get better. It HAS TOO!

I want to blame whatever I might do...on THE BOOK! ;0) Take me...I'm yours!

Yeah...I realize when you are married a long time that love is different when it is young. I once HAD THAT. Now THAT has been taken from me.  Inabilty...whether to physical or mentall illness is one thing..... DISGUST /LOATHING is another!

Well....this is ODD! Hubby is in the shower. While he almost always takes a shower a day....he seldom sees the inside of the shower at 7:35 a.m.  He asked me what drawer his shorts an  t shirts were in and next thing I knew............I heard the sound of the shower running. My first thought was Gil. If he was to wake...he's smoke a cigarette and then SHOWER.

Now last night...is coming back to me. Butchie was here with his daughter an hour or so. They left, then Jill left shortly after they did. She came back with Chinese food ( meantime I had eaten a SmartOne dinner ) and pino.   She bought a large order of Crab Rangoon to share . She only eats two and less than half of a small fried rice. Told her I wished I could eat as less as she does and took her offer up to have some. My BAD!  It was during the time we were eating ( I offered and brought hubby in two) that she said that Butch had said the nicest thing he has said to her in a long time. I was interested and asked what he said. "I'm going home with Alex." "Best thing he could have said and did for me", she said in an emotionless tone of voice. It was then that I told her I had noticed she had his ring back on....and if she felt that way....why?  WHICH came down to....No Energy to argue or fight with him.

I know THAT TERM only too well. Presently...I still panic when I forget to send a card...or it still sits, singed ,sealed and NOT DELIVERED.   I get so mad at myself for letting this stuff get to me. I shit you not! Always...ALWAYS things to do, things to remember...before I slight someone. Time ...there doesn't seem to be enough time....YET, I have time to sit at my PC. Time to stop occasionally at the VFW. Now...somethings wrong with THIS PICTURE!  Whack, whack. Here I go beating on myself.

My cousin Barb sent me a birthday card back in March....I'm sure her time is valuable too and she has family and problems.....    It's GOOD that I still care.  Beat myself up....but still good.

I use to groom Lady in between grooming appointments. When did I stop doing that??? Leilani told me she was loaded with fleas. That would have never happened in the past!  One, maybe two.

Her skin is soooooo dry and she is forever scratching herself. I just attributed it to that. Just brushed her and checked her over. Found THREE. Damned things! Her skin looks like she has dandruff...the worst case of dandruff. I asked to have her get an oatmeal bath...I always do. You couldn't prove it by me that she got it, BUT she got a flea bath.  Gabi...I forgot the word and said "semen". In all actuality ...it's whatever deposit that semen is in that gets all over Lady's hind end. You were right in questioning whether Cash was FIXED correctly. The light...just dawned on me as I was brushing through that shit. :0(

Did I tell you what I said to Tracie as we pulled into my driveway in my car the other night. She was driving it. For some reason the lit dashboard drew my attention and I read the odometer. I blurted out, "oh , you have around the same mileage on your car that I have."  INSTANTLY, I relaized what I just said and we both had a chuckle over it.

Damn...I forgot to give hubby his meds and it's 9:22 a.m. Thought of it at 7:30 when he was in the shower....then.....

Just handed them to him and he said, "what's this?" More pills, I replied. Maybe he won't remember that he didn't take any pills earlier....ya think.

Shortly after I wrote this I decided to grease up with tanning lotion and head up to the center of town to tan. Paid for a month of using those tanning beds and I want to get my monies worth. It's been two days between going there. Any who... I drive up to the Center and see across the Commom a Police Cruiser blocking where I needed to go. Oh fuck! So I went beyond there and up to the Kmart entrance. Turned around in their parking lot and headed back. Can you imagine this....no cruiser was there now.  Just meer minutes had passed.  Once inside the salon I asked for 8 minutes on the tanning bed...removed my cover up and underwear and neatly placed them to easily get back into. Laid down, turned on the machine...the bright lights hit me and it was THEN that I realized I had left my protective eyewear in my car. I threw the lid open and flew off that tanning bed like a bat out of Hell. I shit you not! Dressed hurriedly, explained my problem to the person at the desk and retrieved them from my car.  NOW, I have them tied to the cover up that I wear there. SMART of me, HUH! ;0) I'd like to see how I am going to forget them...the next time. sighhhhhhhhhhhh

Son Randy was here with his worker when i returned. Gil is awake, but Jill is lying down in her room with a sleeping baby and I imagine that she is too. I'd rather not just come out....and ask him why he was in her bedroom. Why?  ?????

NOW...I'm going to shower, put makeup on, dress and go back to the Center to the B.Coat Factory and exchange the seat I bought for Gavin to eat at the table with us. After thinking it over...that weight on my leather chairs...wouldn't be too healthy for the leather. I saw a Cosco highchair in Walmart in the $30 range and he doesn't need the best at our house. The ones I looked at in B.Coat Factory were near $100 or more. You can be fed and eat in under $40 as well as in $100 or more. ;0)

(((hugs)))

Oh.... the VFW at noon. It's 10:45 now. Got to get a wiggle on.... Am I aging myself saying that? ;0)

That's All Folks!

D D Mountains or molehills

Am I making mountains out of mole hills? Everyone has stress and crappy things going on in thei lives.
It is, WHAT IT IS!
Jill has no work history. As some of my kids have pointed out, I have taken care of her more than half of her life. Until now, I've never bothered to add it up. Married at eighteen or nineteen , two years later home with a baby (Ryan) and she moved out and married her second husband Gil eight years later. Not even quite ten years later she divorced Gil and came home with Ryan 18, Gil 9 and Logan 1.
Just added and subtracted twice with the figures.....she is fifty and thirty eight years of her life she has lived at home. OMG! Not that I ever cared.....UNTIL her drinking began. Which was when.... roughly without wracking my brain.... six, seven years ago. ALL was great, until then.
There were not enough superlatives to describe her before she began drinking. The Perfect Daughter. Never a bad word, bad feeling between us. She always took care of her kids and they saw ONLY a Perfect Mother. Logan got screwed somewhere along the line.  He was six/seven when the downslide began. She helped in the house..........yeah ....it was too fucking perfect!  Good things ...come to an end....sigh

Last night I was talking to Michelle in my bedroom. Her dad had fallen asleep and she told me she was talking to DIL Kim at grand daughter Erinn's cookout/party and she said to me....Jill has always had it easy. She has lived at home more than half of her life.  
Like I just said...a few of my other kids have said that to me, but I never gave it thought. UNTIL now.    When we began talking Jill was not home. When I left to go eat with Tracie, she was.
She was just serving supper to Butch,Ryan,Sarah,Gil,Logan,hubby and Michelle. When I came home, all that were here was hubby,Michelle and Logan. I was talking to Michelle about my day at the V.A. and my unhappiness about everything and never heard Jill and Butch come home. All of a sudden I heard Jill's voice say something to the effect as she passed my bedroom door , "why quickly change the subject cause I'm home. "Jill didn't give me a Mothers Day card"...........................................  she mocked.     True I had said that to Michelle, but my next sentence was.....I don't care about a gift, just a card is all I want from anyone.  SO RIGHT AWAY, she tries to get me on the defensive and it has almost worked. NOW if I say something to her today....I will be accused of causing her STRESS. BUT, I must!  I said no untruth. She didn't chose a card for me. WHICH by the way are getting harder and harder to buy for her birthday each year. The verses just are not what I am feeling.    BEFORE ....I would underline many words in the verse of the card I chose for her and gave to her. Come to think of it...SHE HAS ROBBED ME OF MY DAUGHTER TOO with her drinking! I've said this to you D D before    Missy...I can stop drinking anytime I want to. I just chose not to. I like to drink! Sickening,huh! If it's your loved on, IT IS!
   Michelle said to me last night...."you can sense and feel a bad atmosphere when you enter this house."    REALLY?????????????????????   It's MY LIFE! Just seems like a house to me.
She knows about her dad. She told me he ranted about Tracie and other stuff while I was out. She told him she wished the two of us could go back in time. YEAH...ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday found me crying on the inside more than usual. From the time hubby began his SCI appointment til I fell asleep.    Cries almost escaped my lips, but I quickly remembered who was laying beside me and I don't want his arms around me. BBL

Watching things on Facebook and choking up......................got out of there.

Son Randy called to tell me he will be down today ( showers or not) to work on the retaining wall so he can get started on the fence. He began.... "Mom I need someone to help me with the heavy stuff.  I have a friend that will work with me for $8,$9, ten bucks an hour. I need a good ten hours of help. I try to get Gil to help me, but he keeps losing interest and goes in the house or goes off with a friend. I ask Jill to send him out to help me, but I get tired of that." ...blah,blah,blah.  SO .you see where I am going with that?  I feed and give this 21 year old kid a roof over his head and he does as little as possible to help out around here. ..Does there seem to be a "pattern" here. sighhhhhhhhhhh So NOW on top of paying for son Randy's truck transmission and I learned today a leaky rear end something or other...I now need to hire someone to help Randy out.  IF I say anything to her she will get pissed...at me and at Randy.  Lord help us...if we complain...................  Those beams are heavy suckers AS IS handling and putting up fence sections all by yourself. sighhhhh  There is a perfectly healthy 21 year old male living here. It will be easier going the way son Randy wants to go, than to bring up this FACT to her! Help yourself to another coke Gil, hot pocket...why sure... it's a wonderful life...FOR HIM! I shit you not! 
If I ever ...blow....WATCH OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hubby has his first meds of the day and his first cup of coffee. I woke him at eight. 
I've been playing with the squirrel cage, cleaning it in spurts.  NOW... I can turn the vac on....if I desire to...............


The thought hit me....maybe Jill just didn't  feel like giving me a Mothers Day card. 
Why else would she let that day go by? She has money for drinks and we have a half price card store in town, where just two days ago I purchased some lovely cards. The Dollar Store is here in town. Cards are FIFTY CENTS.   Get where my mind is on that ?????????????????????

(((hugs)))

Hubby asked me for his second cup of coffee. Told him "just a minute", which turned into five. I turned around  and what did I see, but him sleeping ...holding a piece of kleenex up like he was reading it. Snapped a few pics. Maybe I'll remember to post them tomorrow....or not.

That's All Folks!

D D Will I be opening a Pandora's Box???

Tuesday June 5th

DIL Kim loaned me the first book in the Trilogy of Shades Of Gray. I have heard....it drives women WILD with Passion. There's a LUCKY guy out there somewhere ;0)  Most certainly isn't going to be my husband that reaps any benefits. I shit you not!  Bastard!
Maybe I should order ( discreetly ) online some sex toys.  You couldn't read that...could you ;0) I'd keep myself out of trouble that way. sighhhhhhhhhhh

Like someone else I know...witout using her name...I stepped inside a bakery that is in the same strip block as the dog groomers. Always being the one that likes to DELIGHTby doing a little extra , I bought hubby a Bismark and a slice of apple pie. Mikey liked the Bismark! ;0) Apple pie will be served today.
MY AIM is to please ....job well done Pat!
Wednesday June 6th

It's 4:30ish a.m. Hubby woke crying out that he was in pain....help me. Moving my leg to position it to rise from bed triggered a spasm in my right calf. Meanwhile as I am trying to get my leg to work he is moaning and groaning about HIS PAIN. I have no doubt that he was in pain. Asked him where it was. All over, he moaned. Over and over he said,"help me, I'm in pain." There was lots of confusion in what I was trying to get out of him and what he was understanding. Finally I got him sitting up and between the both of us we got his body turned and his legs where he could get up to stand holding onto the bed rails. I need to shit, he says. Again between the two of us we got his body turned to where he could sit on his potty . He didn't shit :0) ....thought he had to. Got him back into bed and he managed to doze back off right away. NOT I! Here I sit watching the clock and trying to judge how much time  before I need to wake him and prepare ourselves to leave for Boston at 6:30 a.m. I have no idea what the traffic will be like THAT HOUR....by seven it will be horrendous as I've been out and on my way to Boston at that hour before. My favorite line when I am stuck in traffic is, "Doesn't anyone stay home."  I talk to myself...ALOT! ;0)

It's 5 o'clock in the morning, we danced the whole night through...la,la,la. Actually it's 5:03, but that song began to play in my head when I looked at the clock. ;0)
Something tells me it's going to be a longgggggggggggggg day. I did not climb into bed until 10;30 and I did not fall off to sleep right away. Hubby woke and.....accused me of not giving him his meds as he was IN PAIN. I told him that I had asked Jill to give him his pills. Did she? Yes, but I'm talking about my afternoon pills, he says. Told him he got them at two, BEFORE I ate my chili and HE took that small bite out of the chicken sandwich I bought him. It was FUTILE! "My body doesn't lie to me" , he spoke in a not so nice tone of voice.  I say and said....like Hell it doesn't. Told him to tell whichever doctor he sees today about his body not lying to him.
   Tracie and I went to Applebees to eat  around 7:30ish last night....baked haddock for the two of us...different sides. Not on my Weight Watcher list...of that I am sure. I've been being my own worst enemy EATING for the past month or so. sighhhhhhhh
THEN we went to Walmart where I made some purchases that included Potassium and Magnesium.
Leg Cramps...I'm getting loaded for bear! ;0)   One of you suggested that it was Potassium that I was lacking and another said Magnesium.  Im COVERED! :0)
  Before I forget...Gabi, THAT beagle IS NEUTERED. He's just too stupid to know it! :0(
Middle Child....I know your first name, but I don't know if you want me to use it, so Middle Child it will be for now....Jill is on high blood pressure meds. THREE OF THEM. Has been since she was hospitalized with that SEVERE nose bleed ...was it back in October that they put balloons up her nose cause the packing didn't stop the bleeding???  Guess that horrid time in her life has been forgotten. Did say to her when she got back home from the doctors Monday that I didn't want a stroke victim to care for. Had enough on my plate!
Okay...I have procrastinated long enough. need to get my shower and free up THE ONE AND ONLY bathroom in this house so that Logan can get his shower for school at 6:10a.m.  I'll BB.

It's 6:21 a.m. See you later today. Much later. Dread driving the highway.....oh well... watch out people, Pat's behind the wheel! ;0)

Traffic was very good at THAT early hour. Got lost once due to a detour, but the GPS came to my rescue. Ultra sound showed his liver and such are fine. Bottom line...he's going to live forever. His weight has gone in the past year from 169 to 152. Ohhhhhhh how I wish MINE WAS 152.
He unknowingly agreed to talk to the psychiatrist and it was the same OLD SHIT. I also talked to the psychiatrist and learned a few things....like I am entitled to 13 days two times a year of respite care. Which means that IF I wanted to go on a vacation, I best plan the date for months ahead cause there is a longggggg waiting line of families wanting to GET AWAY and need a place for their loved one to stay. It would be in the Brocton V.A.Hospital which has a very nice section just for this, I was told.  They could get me a hospital bed if I had room for it. I don't. sighhhhhhhhh Unless he would be willing to stay in the livingroom....which I seriously doubt. It's really not feasable.  Logan will be having his friends in all summer. It's not a warm day today and two of his friends are here. Same with yesterday and there were three friends in with him. The front door has opened and shut all day since our kids were young and nothing has changed. The people hubby saw today would like him out of bed more. He was told not to walk with his walker ALONE......once home he reverted to what he had been doing. Walking alone! Tried to make him understand WHY he CAN'T put his own meds together.  He'll argue about that with me someday again. I did get time alone to talk with the psychiatrist ......yeah...I have options like putting him in a nursing home. At this time...I WON'T! The guilt I'd carry is too much for me right now. Told her about my contemplating an affair/fling. She didn't seem taken aback by it, nor did she give encouragement. She asked how long it had been since any intamacy and was .....shocked ...for lack of a better word. I also told her about what he has been doing with Jill. Oh you poor........
I don't want sympathy, I want HELP in dealing with this. Unfortunately the V.A. does not give the spouses any councilling unless the service related spouse will agree to participate, so THERE GOES THAT! The biggest encouragement I got was in seeking another primary whom may give hubby a med that will control his pain better and hopefully be a better communicator to me in explaining things. . His injury/assault to his spinal cord is a T4 and that is the hardest pain to control.
They are sending another bed rail, a thing you put at the head of the bed with a triangle thingie hanging from it so he can pull himself up in bed. They would have bought the transport chair for me.  They were going to register the one I have as one they provided so that if it ever needs to have repairs they would do it. That got forgot in the grand scheme of things. "What makes you happy", I was asked. Couldn't come up with a darned answer.  :0(  It would be easier to answer "what use to make you happy." Much easier. I shit you not! I told her about my blogging and she asked what mine was about. Told her it was a Diary of my day. Oh, that's a good release, she said.  Yeah....if she says so!
Right now...I am feeling sorry for myself.  Feel the situation is hopeless. HELL, I've managed without anyones help before and I'LL DO IT SOME MORE!

Have a few errands to run. My watch to pick up, the uniform from the dry cleaners. Tracie will be coming around 7.  Didn't go tanning yesterday and don't feel like it today either. I'd rather sit here feeling sorry for myself.  Jill made linguine with white clam sauce for her son Ryan and his wife and the rest of the family that likes it for supper. She is waiting on Sarah to get home from work. Ryan is here already. I love that meal...so does hubby IF she didn't add the hot spice that she has been known to. I'm not eating it....I'm going out with Tracie, but hubby will sure as hell let me know about that meal.  Before we left this morning, hubby was mentioning in a drooling kind of way...the huge coffee rolls/buns they have at this V.A. While he was having that ultra sound I went down a  flight to the coffee shop and bought him one. Once he was back from the ultra sound, he ate every bite if it.  Remind you of someone, T---h?   It's our makeup! Pleasers, we are!  First, I checked out the cafeteria. Back on the elevator.....promise you won't tell...I pressed 1 and the doors closed. Stood there, felt no movement and pushed 1 again. And again. Began to get panicky as I could hear other elevators moving. Pushed the button that said OPEN DOOR and guess where I was????? On the floor I wanted to leave. I was on the first floor and needed to be on the second. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh    It's confusing there. ;0) That's my excuse. You enter on the ground floor which isn't 1. It's G on the elevator.  Once home, I gave hubby his meds, cereal with sliced bananas as he wished and heated up Wendy's chili for myself. Then I tried to sit at this PC and kept nodding off, so I climbed in bed. Mind you now, it was 2p.m. Logan gets out of school and is home by 1:55 p.m. The phone rang constantly for Logan. He wasn't answering his cell and his ... sperm donor... called him three times for some reason.Why is his dad ...so hard to type. I should be OVER THAT by now. Stupidity on my part, but I never claimed to be smart. Did get to doze. It was hard coming out of that sleep to come awake....but I DID and I'm here and I need to get myself up out of the pit I am beginning to enjoy a little too much. It's easier wallowing in self pity than to do something about it. I shit you not!  I can't see beyond ( just now) and see no happy future. OH...I did hear... " You take great care of him and it shows."  Oh goodie,goodie.
So HE IS FINE....and I.....................................

(((Hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D The C word

I've learned that hubby has been referring to me as a CUNT. Daughter Jill told him she does not want to hear him refer to me by THAT NAME...Call her a Bitch or whatever you want to ,she told him, but never refer to her as a Cunt in my presense again.

The other day he told me that he had planned to go to Chris' in FL with Jill, but now he's learned that Chris is coming up here to visit, so he thinks he'd like to go to my brothers outside of Jacksonville.
I pointed out to him that there is a climb up the stairs to his trailer.  TODAY when he couldn't walk back from the bathroom ( his legs would not go ) who was going to help him by running for his wheelchair and getting it under his butt ,  then once at bedside, pick  his legs up and help him into bed as they both work driving school buses. .  Didn't mention that school is out or will be soon and he doesn't remember;0) . He got ticked at me for pointing that out!
This happens often. Didn't ask him if he was going to lay in his own shit all day if he couldn't get his legs to move. HERE, he has his bedside commode. Why rub it in...he got the message. I shit you not! Well....til next time.   Sure as shit he will foget and this will be played out all over again. sighhhhhhhhhh

Jill never heard anything back about the kitten. No problem. I'll bet alot of people offered to take it even if Jill was the first to respond to his Facebook ask for help in giving it a home. I was going to name it LUCKY as it was lucky to survive.
One day...there will be a kitty IN NEED of a home and my door will be open. Meantime, I'm not going to go looking for one.

Ryan was upset that no one called him to come get the baby. He feels I have enough to do with his Papa. No assuring him that I can handle this one baby and Papa would do, so next time he can take his ass out of work and come get the baby. HE is so anal retentive!  Worries about stupid shit. He needs to worry more about his mother falling with the baby if she has a stroke or heart attack than he does about me. I shit you not! She told him everything BUT about her drinking from 12-9 on an empty stomach the day before. Just told him she forgot her night pills. Hasn't been taking care of herself. blah,blah
   She is wearing the engagement ring again. Yeah....WE ALL knew she would be! He isn't thinking very well. Knows she won't be moving in with him ( he's known that she won't marry him as things stand and has not done a thing to change his way in 3 years, knows she's be a bad choice for a care giver for his daughter with her drinking problem,. What the fuck keeps him coming back ???
It's not the sex either. He complains of "lack of nookie."  He's effin brain dead.  That woman Dolly I met the other day who was with her daughter....well I sat with her daughter age 52 this past saturday night, divorced and no prospect  and she told me that she dated Butchie a few times and HE IS A LOOSER!
Told him to GET LOST when he tried to control her ....and HE GOT LOST !  She has told Jill that she dated him and when I inquired as to how he got the message from her to GET LOST, she said, I MEANT IT, Jill doesn't.   So...there it is Plain and Simple.

I have a appointment for a checkup with the cotisone doctor, Gil has one with at the drug abuse clinic and Jill has an appointment with her primary doctor for a checkup after yesterday's whatever you want to call it... at ten. She needs to use my car for her appointemnt as Gil needs to use her car. She best be back in time for me to make my 11:20 appointment.  Bet she omitted telling Ryan or Sarah that great nana will be watching Gavin this morning. .

I need to shower. THIS effs up my day.  Would like to have run to the Center of town and tanned for 8 minutes. Maybe later in the day.....maybe.

Thirty one pound Cash ( age 1 is trying to hump poor seven pound Lady ( age 13ish ) as usual. She gets groomed today. Walks around for 6 weeks in between with semen drying in her fur daily.:0(  Have I said... I LIVE IN A FUNNY FARM?
Oh yes... I HAVE!

It's 10:45 and my stress level is building. My appointment is at 11:20 and I have never been to the new office.

The damned GPS failed me. sighhhhh  Told me to go left where there are no lefts. FINALLY we got together and found where I was suppose to be, EXCEPT it told me to turn left and it was the wrong building. Next one up on the left was the correct building. Staff told me how to cut through their building by going up one flight on the elevator. Go towards the doors and look across the way and if I see a parking garage, my buillding is to the left. Walla!  Wasn't seen til almost twelve, then I went to Kohls. Some Returns and some new purchases. :0) Looked at my watch and saw I had time to make it to Wendys for a small chili and be home in time to give hubby his 2p.m. meds.  On the menu I saw a chicken sandwich ( no spices ) that I thought hubby would like for lunch. WRONG! First I heard, I had chicken last night. Yeah...I did make him BBQ chicken drum sticks. Told him chicken was versatile and good lots of ways. One bite...that was it! No likey. $4.48 + tax for NO LIKEY! :0(
He wasn't nice saying he didn't like it. I waited til I finished my small chili and offered him (by hand) PB and jelly. He took it.
Sooooooo I heard later from Jill that he managed to get himself  down to her room a few times.  She was holding the baby and he was thinking SHE WAS STUPID when he felt for the babies leg or butt and brushed her here and there. BASTARD! I told her in  no certain words, next time ( cause we all know there will be a next time ) to tell him GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS AWAY FROM ME!
   Didn't get to suntan. Didn't go to the VFW. Wish I had, BUT there was no time. Now I have to take Lady to the groomer for 4p.m. and when I pick her up at 6 or 6:30, I have to bring Ginger to get her nails cut. By then....I will be wore out. sighhhhhhhhhh  It's now 3p.m. if I try to nap, I'll miss the dog groomer appointment FOR SURE!
I WILL go out with Tracie tonight if she comes around though.

Tomorrow I have to have HIM in Boston by 8a.m.  I dread it already. Will have to wake him at 6a.m. at the very least. Wonder if I can get him to stop at the last place on his list of To Do's that he always declines. The psychiatrist.    Yeah...we all know the answer to that one too!
Jill's B/P was 145/110 when she first saw her doctor today. They talked..... her B/P was taken again. 175/110.   Well LET ME TELL YOU....after I talk to the doctor which is both our doctor, mine will be higher too. IF she thinks she has stress, WHAT ABOUT ME???
(((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D Pains in my legs and the two big pains in my ass

Sunday.....Effing leg cramps wake me whether I'm napping or in bed for the night.  Not once, not twice, not even three times...MORE than that! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I take Vitimin D3, Zinc30....what the Hell else do I need????????????? 
Maybe I should be smart......and call my doctor, but no, I'll just continue to suffer as I have been. 
Seems like I like to punish myself....yeah, ,that's it....I'm a glutton for punishment! 
The times between cramps when I'm napping... someone or something ,ALWAYS wakes me up. Phone and grandson Gil cooking and moving pots and pans around today to make himself an omelet at 4p.m. did it to me today. No rest....for the weary.
I've been in a funk today. Couldn't get out of my own way and don't know what to do with myself.
No No NO  Make THAT, I'm as ugly as a bear and want to chew everyone's head off! I shit you not!
Jill's been at a bar since noon. The PIG PEN remains a PIG PEN!
I can hardly wait til the baby starts crawling. THIS is going to either wake her up orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr the baby is going to choke on something that shouldn't be on the floors and IS.
I've done a few loads of laundry, but who the eff notices that!
Hubby asked me if I wanted to go eat at the Outback around one p.m. :0) No one was here to help me get him out of the house :0( , so I warmed up sweet Italian sausages and peppers and onions and made us a sub of that. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 
Friday Jill told me that Butchie's landlord called him ....reminding him it was the first of the month and he wanted HIS $1,500 no later than MONDAY. ( Months rent) He's telling her to ask me for a loan and she is saying back to him, no,no,no, NO,NO! So Saturday he remembers that the backs of my counters have never been tiled ;0) (for the umpteenth time )and measured and  this time took me ( in my car) to Home Depot to pick out what I'd like him to put up there.  Looks like he wants to earn a few bucks, but I am sure the HELL, not paying him that much for his labor. I shit you not! He didn't mention LABOR and neither did I! LOAN...FORGET IT! I have too many people sucking at my tit as it is!
He did buy me four tomato plants while we were there ;0). ( $20 ) Was THAT to soften me up???

Last night I dressed up in a sheath dress ( peacock print)  and nylons, black shoes with a little heel and hit the VFW. Had one drink and one diet coke in the two and a half hours I was there. Jill came in from working her catering job around 9:50 and she, daughter Michelle and another worker planned on hooking up at the Moose ...and did.  I went home. Mr.Legs came for karaoke with his girlfriend. I made sure he got a good view of my legs all the while I was there. Once home, I thought to myself..... he has something going for him and I am married.Just what can these lead to? I truly don't think I could leave the hubby so why fuck up what he has going for him!  It's just not me. I shit you not! Yeah, I'll play Cribbage with him ,if he asks, but I don't plan to intentionally lead him on.   And yeah...in the back of my mind I do remember hearing him say that he has had a few girlfriends.....  which could mean things didn't work out with them so they parted ways, BUT he HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOW!. Do I sound convincing?  If the circumstances are right....who knows. A harmless caress, a kiss.  I could live with my concience if it was JUST THAT.
Okay...who the hell am I kidding, I could live with myself if I screwed him when I am at my lowest. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh  Will he....RESPECT ME after.... ,SEE this is how my mind works.  I have a fucking concience. GET LOST!!!
Jill called me from there around 1p.m. and told me he was there. I stayed in my pjs and left well enough alone. TODAY!

She just called me to tell me some guy in there was just excavating some place and killed one feral kitten and there is a second. Oh my! Hinted  to moi....if I would take it and I didn't make waves. She's like, it can keep Charlie company outdoors and I'm more to thinking that if damned Cash wouldn't torment it, I'd like a house cat. It's estimated to be about 5 weeks old. Once upon a time I have had 3 cats at a time.  Why not! There is always room at THIS INN for an animal. ;0)
I can see it now ...staring up at the flying squirrel at night and making a leap for the cage.
  :0(  CRASH

I pushed shit around on my bureau today and still.... it isn't neat. Cleaned some jewelry. BIG WHOOP! I'm such a BIG DEAL. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 

Haven't seen the whites of Jill's eyes since noon and it's going on 9p.m.

I feel so EMPTY. Maybe, I'll see things in a different light tomorrow. Til then...(((hugs)))

Monday June 4th
Talked to my best friend Nancy in AK for ( must have been a good two hours ) last night. :0) I miss those days when we lived a block away or next door to each other ( which was even better :0).

Between 9:30 and ten, Gil went to get his mother from the bar. She was PLASTERED! Hadn't eaten and asked him to make her something, he said. He cooked up good ole Kraft mac and cheese and brought it to her. One bite and she asked for the puke pail. I didn't lay eyes on her, nor did I want to. Later ( before we turned in ) hubby told me that I should go check on her and see if she was okay. FUCK THAT!  I wish, I wish... a huge efffin hangover on her today. You can take that to the bank with you. I shit you not!
No kitten....don't know the story YET on that. I was worried more about the kitten....than her.  She's a big girl.
Woke at 5a.m. No cramps last night. Could the secret be........... I made sure I had enough room to lay on my side with my knees drawn up and used one of those body pillows to put between my legs and arms. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, if it was ONLY THAT EASY!  I'll grab a nap like that maybe today and test it out. ;0) Lots to do today. Made myself a list ( dry cleaners, grocery store, two places to make exchanges,jewelry store to have a link taken out of my watch and 3 teeny, tiny gold chains with pendants on them untangled (if they can do that),  another Hallmark store that just might have the postcards I need for yellowdoggranny's Rest Home party, and tanning. Maybe I'll be out of my funk by one and go to the VFW for an hour. Could add the nursery to that list, but I won't. Damned Cash grabbed my plants from under the patio table and emptied them. He loves flower pots. And yes....I was stupid enough to think that if (said pots )had a plant and soil in them, he wouldn't touch them. I was like a lunatic out back chasing him for my pots and trying to scoop up the lost soil with my hands and rescue the plants my grandson Danny gave me Mothers Day. sighhhhhhh I said a few expletitives out there! Glad it's been raining and my VERY NICE , FOREVER neighbors have their windows shut. ;0)
Speaking of  r a i n, more to come for the next three days at the very least. Wednesday I have to drive hubby into West Roxbury to the Spinal Cord Clinic for 8 a.m.  Driving in the rain and I....don't mix well. If push comes to shove, I will babysit and ask Jill to drive him . It's a long day there though.
Think I'll go and brush up on my Cribbage in Pogo some more. ;0) I'll be back. Doing very good, but I must add...the damned game adds up your hands for you. Now what good is that???  When someone misses their count and you get those points...that's fun. :0: When you miss the count...it's not so much fun. ;0(

Forgot to mention that I ordered the Garrison cap to COMPLETE the AirForce uniform last night.  Yeah...I'm pleased with myself.  Someone may find this morbid, ( picking out burial clothes for yourself and hubby ). I have my negligee in a box with fake wedding rings  READY TO GO! Tried it on the other night), I LIKE!Too bad that I won't be able to see myself............... GO ON...say it!
Tell me I am Daffy. ;0)  I can count on you Pea .....I know I can count on you to tell me that!  Thinking of you today as you go into surgery. Prayers being sent out to you my friend.

Butchie came through the front door at 7:10. His shift doesn't end until 8 a.m. He's RIP SHIT at her! Keeps calling her a fucking alcoholic. He's fucking working and she is out getting shit faced , he is saying. Saying THAT and more. I can't blame him. I did say to him as he passed me by at the sink, "please marry her and move her into your place."
He asked for coffee and she refused to make it. Heard the front door shut after they gave each other a few more choice words. Does THIS MEAN that I won't get my kitchen wall tiles done???? :0(
He'll be back...of that I have no fear.
He's back. Didn't leave the driveway.  This time when he asked again for coffee she told him there was no milk. There was barely enough for her morning first cup of tea. NOW...I could have been nice yesterday and went and bought some....BUT why the fuck should I?  She was dressed and OUT. I was still in pj's and am still in the same ones.    PU, I stink.;0)  Heard him tell you he had been up all night...worrying about her and helping people that were actually sick. I give a big Thank You to our firemen who make house calls when you are sick and do not just go to fires as I once thought in my juvenile brain ...was the case. They save many a life!
Hubby woke shortly after 7 a.m. He was in pain and asking for a pain pill. Gave him his all his 8a.m. pills. An hour early on his meds makes no difference. Could have given him just the pain med., but once opening the safe was better than twice. There is a mood to my madness. I shit you not!

Keep looking at the clock and wishing the time would go faster. Stores don't open too early around here. sighhhhhhhhhhh

There is/was WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA to my liking minutes ago. Jill got sick.VERY SICK. Fell to the floor. Eyes rolling in the back of her head, I was told. Butchie took her B/P. Said it was 210/110.  Now he's an EMT so I expect he would know how to take and read a B/P. She managed to say NO AMBULANCE though and between Gil and Butchie, they got her up and out to the car. She had a 10:15 a.m. appointment this morning... She will be EARLY!
Within seconds...Gil wanted to call Ryan and let him know what's happening. He was trying to put his reasons for this on me and I was trying to reason with him that WE KNOW NOTHING YET. Why alarm him! IF she is sent to the ER from her physicians...then call Ryan. Between all this hysteria, the effin dog kept taking the baby's toys and running out the back door with them. He seems to sense the DRAMA and is being BADDER than he usually is. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
Made hubby an English muffin with a fried egg, low fat ham and cheese on it. One bite and he screamed out...you loaded this with salt. I did not, nor would I EVER add salt to his food. Arsenic...maybe. ;0) Now that's Funny ...as Larry the Cable Guy says. Told him it was HIS FUCKING TASTE BUDS and threw it away !!!
THIS is not the morning that I planned! I shit you not!   I pace...I come back to my PC. sighhhhhh 

Three hours later and she is home. She laid on a table at the doctors office waiting for her B/P to come down. Butchie came to the house to get her meds and bring them to the doctors office.
It SEEMS....no food yesterday, no medications and all THAT BOOZE didn't go well for her today.
These upsets and drama isn't helping myself either.
When things are calmer, I want to say a few things to her. One is... if you plan on contuing on as you have you need to move so that I don't have to watch you kill yourself. 
At twelve thirty I began running my errands. First stop was the grocery store and back home to feed hubby and give him his meds.. Then I took off again.  Home again at three, but I didn't get to do all I wanted to do. DID suntan. :0)

Going to try and get a short nap in. IF I'm LUCKY.
(((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D I''m in a "funk'

and can't get out of my own way.

After I fed hubby yesterday, I asked him if he needed anything else. "I could use some love", he said.

"Me too", I replied back to him and turned on my heels and left the room.

(((hugs)))

These are not mine, but they sure are pretty, aren't they!

Same...with these lilacs. Can't you smell them ;0)

That's All Folks!