Page#4
I don't deserve any happiness. I was a rotten person because I didn't protect you from Mike. I must pay for that mistake with my life and money.
Not for nothing....but I have never heard what you yourself truthfully remember yourself at age 5, and not what Cheryl told you happened to you that you yourself at one time told me that you questioned yourself many times as to if what happened ( one time) or if it was planted in your memory by Cheryl. We both know...that Cheryl never is Off The Wall about many things. Maybe there was some truth...I don't know. I do know that I never saw him act inappropriately around either of you girls. YES, you at the end.....when his brain was gone. I didn't see it, but I know you told me the truth. The doctors that cared for him told me it was the damage to his brain from the 4 bleeds in his brain seven years before. His words and actions were a result, they explained. It wasn't HIM, they said. It was very hard for me to accept as FACT. On top of that, I was watching him die, hating him for what he was doing to you ( propositioning you) and on top of that you were giving me more grief watching you drink and causing your own sons grief and heartache. We both confronted him and he acted like for all the world like he didn't know what we were talking about. Acted and sounded confused and denied it. More than once. I can still hear him saying, ":what did I do, what did I do" and looking for all the world that he had no idea what we were talking about. Whether he really didn't remember anything, I will never know. I will just have to live with the fact that he did do and say inappropriate things and I will never know if he was faking not remembering.
Since he passed away, you have added and added to your description of his words and actions.
Now...it gets worst and worst, as if that's possible.
I'd have remembered those things that you claim to have told me.
I'd have liked to have been able to mourn the man, but even that's not possible. I take comfort in the fact that he wasn't All Bad. He was a human being...had faults ( lots ), but he loved me/us and put up with a Hell of a lot from every one of you kids. More than your own fathers did! He could have had an easier life without us.
I wish I could make things all better, but I can't. It's called "the past."
Please get the help you need. Do it for yourself. If you continue drinking you will not live to see your grands and great grands as I have. It's of your own choice. Life is all about CHOICES and while I have had to give up who I am in order to see all of you grown into adulthood, it was worth it! It wasn't about ME, it was about All Of You! You were my responsibility the moment you came into this world and I made a life for you the only way I knew how. There are no redo's...as much as I wish there were.
You can't save Gilby. He has to want that for himself. Please stop shooting him down with your mean tongue when he is in the presence of others. He knows that he is a drug addict. He admits it!
You don't have to repeatedly tell people when you are amongst others ( that are not family) and he is with you hearing your every word. . It killed me inside to hear him begging you to stop drinking the other night. His words and emotions were rife with pain and suffering. It isn't all about you. It isn't about any of us! We all bleed and feel pain. It isn't about who has suffered the most! You heard and listened to those women speakers at the AA Meeting that you, Gil, Ed and myself went to. They lost everything to their drinking. Kids, marriage, job, home. Everything! Drinking destroyed their lives. No one could tell them anything. They had to hit bottom before they sought help and stopped. They are and always will be...a recovering alcoholic. I hope and pray that doesn't happen to you before you seek help. IT could happen...or is this just wishful thinking on my part.
I've said what I wanted to say...without you turning everything around on me and getting me on the defensive, as is your way.
My home isn't something that I look forward to coming home to. Something is wrong with this picture.
All I've asked you to do is work with me and you can't even give me that.
It's your Choice. When you hit bottom, I will not be there for you. Hurts to write those words, but I won't go down for someone that didn't give a shit about themselves. You made your bed...CHOICES!
( did sign it,,, Love,Mom)
I have heard nothing from her in regards to this letter. We do talk, but not about this letter.
She continues to drink.
I poured my heart out to her...could have said more...maybe should have said less.....and yes....wish I had worded some things differently.
Michelle told me today that Jill felt like she has lost both her parents when I decided to spend most of my time with Ed.
Am I supposed to feel guilty now that I have some happiness...........................
I am going to choose to look at it as another EXCUSE she needed to drink. I was HERE every day seven years ago when she decided to drink until she was drunk. She did that without me holding her hand. Chose to ignore my warnings that she was going down the wrong path and still chooses to ignore them.
She has yet to admit that she is an alcoholic. Gilby admits that he is a drug addict.
Someone else that he knew, overdosed yesterday. Eighteen years old. Her name was Jackie.
There is another home and loved ones feeling grief and wondering what they could have done differently. So sad. It's always us that are left behind that thinks we could have made the changes for them.
I read somewhere once...and it left a profound impact in my mind...." Those that take their lives only die once, but the ones that loved them .....die many times ...every day."
(((hugs)))
Just watched Kate and Will walk out the front door of the hospital with Kate holding her new son and the surge of remembering the first time that I held each of mine was ...over powering. Tears of joy and remembering formed.
May they have many happy years with their son and any other children of that union.
Wed. 7/31 Gil was admitted to a rehab.
That's All Folks!
I AM WOMAN! Hear me ROAR! February 2012
WARNING !! Not for those with a short attention span. ; 0 )
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Page#3
.Page#3
You lived here until you lived with and later married when Ryan was approximately nine years old.
You came back to live with us when you and Gil divorced when Ryan was eighteen, Gil III was 9 and Logan was a year old. You are correct in the fact that you have lived here most of your life, but that still doesn't mean that I should leave the house to only you. I'm sorry that you are hurt by the fact that I am not. It has nothing to do against you personally.
My parents owed me nothing and that's what I got when they passed away. I loved them then and I love them now. Mike's mother passed away without enough life insurance to bury her and he and his four surviving of her nine children chipped in equally...the difference needed to pay for her burial. Gladly.
You only get one father and mother. They may not be the best parents, but they are your parents. I have no regrets in the way I honored mine...faults and all. As Nana once said...."when you live your life, THEN ...you can come back and tell me what I did wrong in mine."
I too did not have a great childhood, with an alcoholic father, BUT he always put a roof over my head and fed and clothed me and he did his best to see that we four kids had what we needed. THAT should count for something and IT DOES!
My mother chose to be married to him for 50 years. It was a very verbally abusive marriage, I can remember many bad things he said and did when he was drunk (which was often.) Many of her tears were because of the pain his words and deeds inflicted on her. I would rather have seen her with a better man and know some happiness, BUT it was her choice, NOT MINE! My dream was that it would be my dad that went first and I would then be able to take my mother places and do things for her and with her and see her happy, BUT real life doesn't work that way.
I do not condemn her for her choice. She did the best by us that she could and there are and always will be many children that have it much worst than I did...and still...they love their parents.
It isn't and wasn't , always about "me."
At some of my darkest hours in my life, I've thought about those parents that are watching their child die of some disease and their pain, those that have buried a child and think, I don't have it so bad after all. All I asked of God when I had my children was to let me live long enough to watch them grow up into adults and not only did I get that wish, but I got to see 19 grandchildren and thirteen great grandchildren. All are healthy for the most part, with the exception of my oldest, your brother jay, who now uses an oxygen tank to help him breathe because of his smoking. I worry that I will bury him before it's my time and more than likely, I will.
Jill, I am so hurt that I have lost the daughter that I once had. I thought we had the perfect mother/daughter relationship and WE DID! Can we ever get some of that back? Who knows. real life never runs smoothly , it has it's ups and downs and a lot of shit thrown in our paths as we try to make our way in this life.
While I may not like you as you are today, I will always love you.
You can continue to live here as long as you don't try to run me into the ground. be considerate of the utilities, A/C running when a window can be left open ( like last night when it was cool outside and your A/C was blaring), doors shut when the A/C is on( which isn't always the case), TV's going in every room when no one is watching them and so on. If you were paying the bills out of your own monies, I think things would be done differently in that respect. Why am I paying for your and Gil's cigarettes? Why am I paying for your booze? Why don't you ask Ryan and Sarah for some small monetary amount for babysitting Gavin weekly so that you could purchase those things for yourself ...if that's what you chose to buy? Why is it ME that has to and is expected to buy these items???
Last, but not least, why am I paying for your Keno habit? All these withdrawals ( sometimes three in a day that total to $100 ) by you alone ( and you have nothing tangible to show for them ) can only mean that you are also gambling again. Keno is an addiction! It's gambling. You don't have to go to a casino to gamble. It's gambling just the same.
If there is another explanation for these withdrawals, I would gladly like to hear it.
Tell me, do I have to throw away good money and see a psychologist as you have been doing, to tell me what I already know...that I am an enabler and need to stop???
I'm glad for you that you have been getting help with your issues, but...what about me?
Right........I have to be made to suffer for my past mistakes. How foolish of me to question why. I deserve everything I am getting.
To be cont.
(((hugs)))
That's All Folks!
You lived here until you lived with and later married when Ryan was approximately nine years old.
You came back to live with us when you and Gil divorced when Ryan was eighteen, Gil III was 9 and Logan was a year old. You are correct in the fact that you have lived here most of your life, but that still doesn't mean that I should leave the house to only you. I'm sorry that you are hurt by the fact that I am not. It has nothing to do against you personally.
My parents owed me nothing and that's what I got when they passed away. I loved them then and I love them now. Mike's mother passed away without enough life insurance to bury her and he and his four surviving of her nine children chipped in equally...the difference needed to pay for her burial. Gladly.
You only get one father and mother. They may not be the best parents, but they are your parents. I have no regrets in the way I honored mine...faults and all. As Nana once said...."when you live your life, THEN ...you can come back and tell me what I did wrong in mine."
I too did not have a great childhood, with an alcoholic father, BUT he always put a roof over my head and fed and clothed me and he did his best to see that we four kids had what we needed. THAT should count for something and IT DOES!
My mother chose to be married to him for 50 years. It was a very verbally abusive marriage, I can remember many bad things he said and did when he was drunk (which was often.) Many of her tears were because of the pain his words and deeds inflicted on her. I would rather have seen her with a better man and know some happiness, BUT it was her choice, NOT MINE! My dream was that it would be my dad that went first and I would then be able to take my mother places and do things for her and with her and see her happy, BUT real life doesn't work that way.
I do not condemn her for her choice. She did the best by us that she could and there are and always will be many children that have it much worst than I did...and still...they love their parents.
It isn't and wasn't , always about "me."
At some of my darkest hours in my life, I've thought about those parents that are watching their child die of some disease and their pain, those that have buried a child and think, I don't have it so bad after all. All I asked of God when I had my children was to let me live long enough to watch them grow up into adults and not only did I get that wish, but I got to see 19 grandchildren and thirteen great grandchildren. All are healthy for the most part, with the exception of my oldest, your brother jay, who now uses an oxygen tank to help him breathe because of his smoking. I worry that I will bury him before it's my time and more than likely, I will.
Jill, I am so hurt that I have lost the daughter that I once had. I thought we had the perfect mother/daughter relationship and WE DID! Can we ever get some of that back? Who knows. real life never runs smoothly , it has it's ups and downs and a lot of shit thrown in our paths as we try to make our way in this life.
While I may not like you as you are today, I will always love you.
You can continue to live here as long as you don't try to run me into the ground. be considerate of the utilities, A/C running when a window can be left open ( like last night when it was cool outside and your A/C was blaring), doors shut when the A/C is on( which isn't always the case), TV's going in every room when no one is watching them and so on. If you were paying the bills out of your own monies, I think things would be done differently in that respect. Why am I paying for your and Gil's cigarettes? Why am I paying for your booze? Why don't you ask Ryan and Sarah for some small monetary amount for babysitting Gavin weekly so that you could purchase those things for yourself ...if that's what you chose to buy? Why is it ME that has to and is expected to buy these items???
Last, but not least, why am I paying for your Keno habit? All these withdrawals ( sometimes three in a day that total to $100 ) by you alone ( and you have nothing tangible to show for them ) can only mean that you are also gambling again. Keno is an addiction! It's gambling. You don't have to go to a casino to gamble. It's gambling just the same.
If there is another explanation for these withdrawals, I would gladly like to hear it.
Tell me, do I have to throw away good money and see a psychologist as you have been doing, to tell me what I already know...that I am an enabler and need to stop???
I'm glad for you that you have been getting help with your issues, but...what about me?
Right........I have to be made to suffer for my past mistakes. How foolish of me to question why. I deserve everything I am getting.
To be cont.
(((hugs)))
That's All Folks!
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Page #2
Page#2
I'll tell you what I won't do. If you get into any situation that involves gambling or booze, I will not bail you out financially as I have done in the past. That means that if you get stopped driving when you have been drinking ...you are on your own. I will not bail you out of jail, I will not bail your car out of a compound, I will not replace your car.
I will continue to keep a watchful eye on my checking account and if I see any more withdrawals that I deem un-necessary or Gilby once again stealing my money from the ATM or otherwise, I will take your name off of my checking account. All the years that you did at least receive some child support and wages from your working for your sister and brother in law as a caterer/waitress, I never saw any of it. You never put any money in my hand, nor did I ever see the fruits of these monies in the way of food, clothing, gifts, etc, for yourself and your kids. You spent it as you wished. There was never anything to show for it.
You were happy to just let us provide everything for all these years and I was happy to be able to provide for all of you, but THIS is where I get pissed off....the spending and stealing like it is your due. Now I just don't have you helping yourself, but I now have Gil doing the same thing. It needs to end, it has to end!!!
You have the audacity to tell me that you ill never speak to Ed again unless he apologises for calling you a whore the other night at one a.m. when you were shit faced and had some strange man (to me) here in my home, that woke us from a sound sleep to the loud noise of your bedroom door being kicked in by him as you locked yourself out of your bedroom. Might I ask, where was your spare key?
Ed never used the word "whore", which you did admit, but whatever words he did use you felt like what he did say amounted to the same thing. Maybe so. if the shoe fits, wear it. You have brought other men home for the night or hours that you were not in a relationship with. Stop acting so righteous.
Ed is only concerned for me and what I've told him about , has him concerened. I think that a complete stranger upon reading what I have written , would be concerned. I owe you nothing, I owe Gil nothing and I owe none of my other kids or grands...nothing, but my love!
It's alright that I have to be in my grandsons (your sons) presence when I am in my own home and that I continue to buy his food, cigarettes, clothes, and put a roof over his head....all the while knowing that he stole Mike's pain meds ( oxycodone) and watched him writhing in pain as I had none to give him and he accused me to others that it was I that was stealing and taking his pain meds and I could not bring myself to tell him that it was Gil and tried to lead him to believe that he was getting his pain meds and it was just his imagination that he wasn't getting his allowed pain med four times a day. How..do you think that made me feel and how do you think I feel today when I think back on it?? The nice jewelry that Mike bought me. .GONE. Gift cards...gone, but I can live with that. It's the un-necessary pain that Mike was put through as he was dying that about kills me to think of. Sure, I know his pain med never took his pain away, never where it was bearable, but it did something. He noticed it enough that he thought I was taking his med and was not giving it to him. It tears me up inside thinking that he died thinking that was taking his pain medicine.
If it is your intention to destroy what I have with Ed...try me!
I do not come home every time and threaten you with selling this house as you insinuated.
You asked...I told you. It is not YOU that I am leaving this house to. I have eight other children and I give a flying fuck ( as you have said ) that they are set in life without receiving an inheritance( which is not true for all of them). It's what Mike and I decided long, long ago and it's the ONLY RIGHT THING TO DO!
If I am forced to sell this house because my funds don't allow me to keep it...so be it!
I haven't done things that I wanted to do before I left this earth as I have always tried to help those of you that needed our help out. Not fair!
WE earned our money. I worked making cakes at home, selling my knitting and crocheting, etc. Worked outside at a job and kept house and made it a home and the house is mine to do with what I want. You seem to think it should be yours because you lived here most of your life. That's true, you have. You lived here from the time your were 5 until you married at nineteen. Two years later or so, you divorced and came home with Ryan when he was one year old.
To be cont.
(((hugs)))
That's All Folks!
I'll tell you what I won't do. If you get into any situation that involves gambling or booze, I will not bail you out financially as I have done in the past. That means that if you get stopped driving when you have been drinking ...you are on your own. I will not bail you out of jail, I will not bail your car out of a compound, I will not replace your car.
I will continue to keep a watchful eye on my checking account and if I see any more withdrawals that I deem un-necessary or Gilby once again stealing my money from the ATM or otherwise, I will take your name off of my checking account. All the years that you did at least receive some child support and wages from your working for your sister and brother in law as a caterer/waitress, I never saw any of it. You never put any money in my hand, nor did I ever see the fruits of these monies in the way of food, clothing, gifts, etc, for yourself and your kids. You spent it as you wished. There was never anything to show for it.
You were happy to just let us provide everything for all these years and I was happy to be able to provide for all of you, but THIS is where I get pissed off....the spending and stealing like it is your due. Now I just don't have you helping yourself, but I now have Gil doing the same thing. It needs to end, it has to end!!!
You have the audacity to tell me that you ill never speak to Ed again unless he apologises for calling you a whore the other night at one a.m. when you were shit faced and had some strange man (to me) here in my home, that woke us from a sound sleep to the loud noise of your bedroom door being kicked in by him as you locked yourself out of your bedroom. Might I ask, where was your spare key?
Ed never used the word "whore", which you did admit, but whatever words he did use you felt like what he did say amounted to the same thing. Maybe so. if the shoe fits, wear it. You have brought other men home for the night or hours that you were not in a relationship with. Stop acting so righteous.
Ed is only concerned for me and what I've told him about , has him concerened. I think that a complete stranger upon reading what I have written , would be concerned. I owe you nothing, I owe Gil nothing and I owe none of my other kids or grands...nothing, but my love!
It's alright that I have to be in my grandsons (your sons) presence when I am in my own home and that I continue to buy his food, cigarettes, clothes, and put a roof over his head....all the while knowing that he stole Mike's pain meds ( oxycodone) and watched him writhing in pain as I had none to give him and he accused me to others that it was I that was stealing and taking his pain meds and I could not bring myself to tell him that it was Gil and tried to lead him to believe that he was getting his pain meds and it was just his imagination that he wasn't getting his allowed pain med four times a day. How..do you think that made me feel and how do you think I feel today when I think back on it?? The nice jewelry that Mike bought me. .GONE. Gift cards...gone, but I can live with that. It's the un-necessary pain that Mike was put through as he was dying that about kills me to think of. Sure, I know his pain med never took his pain away, never where it was bearable, but it did something. He noticed it enough that he thought I was taking his med and was not giving it to him. It tears me up inside thinking that he died thinking that was taking his pain medicine.
If it is your intention to destroy what I have with Ed...try me!
I do not come home every time and threaten you with selling this house as you insinuated.
You asked...I told you. It is not YOU that I am leaving this house to. I have eight other children and I give a flying fuck ( as you have said ) that they are set in life without receiving an inheritance( which is not true for all of them). It's what Mike and I decided long, long ago and it's the ONLY RIGHT THING TO DO!
If I am forced to sell this house because my funds don't allow me to keep it...so be it!
I haven't done things that I wanted to do before I left this earth as I have always tried to help those of you that needed our help out. Not fair!
WE earned our money. I worked making cakes at home, selling my knitting and crocheting, etc. Worked outside at a job and kept house and made it a home and the house is mine to do with what I want. You seem to think it should be yours because you lived here most of your life. That's true, you have. You lived here from the time your were 5 until you married at nineteen. Two years later or so, you divorced and came home with Ryan when he was one year old.
To be cont.
(((hugs)))
That's All Folks!
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