D D Lost sleep By Choice. Thursday..and woke to a Saturday A.M.NIGHTMARE

  I was HIGH on life Thurday evening .......... My car was in the driveway when I came home from shopping with Tracie.  No...Jill wasn't home, but she brought my car back before she began drinking. :0)
Michelle said she didn't come into the house to see her.
Sometime around eleven while I was putting my purchases away...she came home.  With DRINK in her ...of course.  Not drunk ( no, I don't know what the breathalizer would have read. Probably over the limit though. ), but she wasn't slurring her words.  Wanted to talk and SHARE. :0) WE WERE TWO WOMEN FIGHTING TO SAVE OUR CHILDREN'S LIVES.  She... her middle son Gil and myself ...my baby daughter Jill.
We embraced, we held each other and we cried. Told her I wanted to see " my baby girl " back before I died. I'm working on it mom, she said. She recognized and addressed the hurt and pain I as her mother has been sufferinng as she now has been aware and is involved with her son's addiction and getting him WELL IN BODY AND MIND and knows a MOTHER's PAIN and HEARTACHE.  He is using NEEDLES. Kills me to type that word...let alone think of it.  Some of mine smoked pot and still do....a few tried a few other things that I heard about after they wre adults. None... spoke of heroin use. Just had to look thae spellling of that word up.  She is frightened to death that he will die from using.
In yesterdays obit....one of her good friends sons age 27 died suddenely. She has kept in touch with him these many years and he was here to visit a year or so ago. Came in the house to visit with us a few times while he was here at his brothers down the street in the house they grew up in.  Services are in Vermont. She wouldn't have been able to go if she knew, but she would have called her friend.  DUH...on that thought I will phone her and my son in Florida who was also a close friend when they were growing up. 
She knew....talked to his dad yesterday. Drugs....................  Drugs killed his second wife's oldest son from her first marriage too. :0(  She was at Arlington National Cemetary when she made the call to me. Think I will just send my Sonny an email. They have not been in touch in years.


It was well after midnight before the lights went out ...sleep for me was illusive as I'm sure it was for her. She admitted to losing sleep with thoughts running amok in her mind over her son. TOOK HALF THE BLAME for her son falling off the right path. 
Someone picked her up at 5:30 a.m. today to begin her D.C. trip. Proceeds are to benefit our wounded service men and women. They will visit the military hospital  while there to meet some men and women that are recovering. Has been told she will have profound, sobering moments to reflect ................................  
I have been to D.C. with hubby and walked ( PART ) of the cemetary. Those that have been there know of my loss for words.

Two minutes of three got the call that hubby's whie cell count is up. :0(   Had to run to pick up Cipro from the V.A.Clinic as well as a refill on his pain med.

Enter Saturday morning ....didn't wake FROM a nightmare...woke TO a nightmare.
Hubby was full of shit. I shit you not!   He got shit everywhere from his waist down to in between his toes when he stood as he smushed it into the rug.  It's now 6:45 a.m. , he is on the potty again and I have been cleaning shit for a good hour.  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  I'm going to need more than candles to get rid of THIS SMELL. I shit you not!
UP DOWN...UP DOWN, right now he's lying down. 
My son Randy wasn't going to come today, but called last night and said he would be here. I was bummed as I thought part of my day would be QUIET ( contruction workers took the weekend off ) ( I'm not so dumb to believe they are home with family A Holiday weekend here or not ). Probably on another job they are needed at by their boss, would be my guess.  Like I said... QUIET weekend sounded good to me.
NOW I am glad Randy is coming. He can Christen my rug shampooer and get hubby's shit and dog's piss out of the bedroom rug. :0)  Some day down the road....this wall to wall RAG, needs to GO. I shit you not!
Sooooooooo this is a fine howdoyoudo... Give hubby colace 2 x's a day, Senakot each night were the newest doctor orders. SHIT...I didn't give him the Senakot and he shit LUCY GOOSEY. 
Was it the Life Of Riley, William Bendix that use to say, " What a revolting developement this is." ???
Another pair of jockey shorts BITES THE DUST!  :0( 
  Tracie left at 9 p.m. last night. :0)  Hubby was wanting to sleep and I was right behind him on that idea. No one coming...just Tracie going.  Thankfully I DID turn in . I needed those zzzzzzzzzzzzzz's before I woke at 5 a.m. to ....SHIT. I'm not done for the day yet...hubby will need a bath, one day on the bed bedding needs washing , and, and and..........................

Cash got himself stuck under the back yard shed yesterday.  I could hear him howling and traced him down.
I was in a panic. Called Randy up out of the cellar where he was wrapping my duct work pipes, etc. with insullation and he was NONE TOO HAPPY.  He had chased the dog down the street a few times already for me yesterday and plenty of other days.  STUPID ( meaning CASH ) could not figure out how he got in there. This opening was at the back of the shed and there is no room for a human to get back there.  WE tried everything. banging on the floor, sticking one of the pool long poles under there to get him to move....he preferred to sit there with a long dumb ass face and not move. :0(
FINALLY Randy got the bright idea to bind a small pry bar to a metal pole and reach under to the farthest corner of the shed and hook him by his collar. Dragged him to where he could reach him and direct him to the opening he came through. I'm down on my knees IN COLD DIRT he has dug shining a flashlight that had the light of a Fire Fly ( needs new batteries calling his name and SWEARING. @##*#@## SOAB!  This dog may well be the only dog that is wearing a leash INSIDE a house.  When he takes OFF you can only get to within a foot or so from him before he dashes OFF. Step on leash...ahha GOTCHA!  GAME OVER!
Randy put a metal stake out in the back yard so I could leave him out to do his business during the day and not worry about him getting under the shed again.  Three times last night I walked him out there to the nearest patch of grass to do his business. Once before bed ... a little after midnight and 4:30 a.m.   Two more days of DOG SITTING.... No shitting ! sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jill will have to put cement blocks all around that shed .....otherwise SHE can deal with it.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooo  yesterday morning...who should appear? Hint, there were no reindeer.
W.B. handed Randy some cook books for me ( from the age of them I could tell that they were his dead mothers.) I went through them and kept what I was interested in.  Never use my own recipe books anymore. Wonder what possessed me to keep some of these. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 
THEN...he handed Randy a vase with a dozen purple roses and a pack of cigarettes for her.
NEITHER of them KNEW she wasn't home.

When I told Randy she was gone...he smiled, gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and said ENJOY THEM MOM....... and I AM. ;0)

I smelled the roses this morning :0)  ....after I SMELLED SHIT!

Hot coffee, cold coffee, hot coffee.... hubby wanted a shower NOW! I'm soaked from the waist up. He WON'T listen to me on how to get himself in the tub. Didn't this time either, BUT he did on getting out. Used two towels between the two of us to dry off.  This is when I should check my B/P.  I was FUMING...I shit you not!  Water too hot, water too cold. I had it lukewarm, but his skin is more sensative...so says he and he's probably right. sighhhhhhhhh 

It just turned 8:30.  Visiting nurse coming between ten and noon to check out his squamous cell incision. He scratched/rubbed ? it and the top of it was bleeding yesterday so they want it checked out.  If this medical problem hadn't have arisen...there would have been no nurse on the weekend.

Which to me...is less chaos, but we do what we have to do. sighhhhhhhh

I hurried and made the bed up. A 40 yard Dash like I like to fondly call it. :0(  Lit TWO EFFIN CANDLES! This is NOT a ONE CANDLE JOB. I shit you not!

UP AGAIN......hubby wanted his second cup of coffee. No sooner went to sit my ass back down and he wanted to know if he had more cookies somewhere. I stepped around the lined up dogs to open his nightstand and check. That would be a NO and I told him if he keeps feeding those dogs his cookies I will........................................!!!

HIM whose Pet Peeve was dogs begging for our food and NOW HE FEEDS THEM PEOPLE FOOD.  #@&*##@ 

I hear my morning oatmeal calling me. ;0)  It's 9 a.m.

Washing machine is doing it's thing. Hubby has the TV volume up too high for my liking.

THERE IS NO QUIET! 

Got not one stitch done on the baby afghan yesterday. :0( 

A damned doorbell rang on the TV and the dogs started in just now. 

Where are the men with the straight jackets when you need them......;0)

That's All Folks!

D D Well ...THAT WAS STUPID!

What have I DONE?
Was sitting at the PC reading bloggers and sipping on my HOT coffee while watching the clock.  A nice quiet morning up until then, I might add.. Woke hubby up thinking this was Friday and the Home Health Aide would be here shortly to bathe him. :0( Wrong day!
Kathy comes tomorrow Friday morning at 8:15 a.m.  It's 8: a.m. Thursday sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Last night was a GOOD NIGHT. We both fell asleep watching TV sometime close to ten and it was near midnight when I came to and heard the sound from both the TV and the police scanner. Now how was that for a DEEP SLEEP for a few hours. Fell right back to sleep after I peed and shut both things off. 
Hubby decided at a certain hour last night that he wasn't drinking anymore so he would be up less often to PEE during the night.  If it wasn't for the amount of urine in his potty that I emptied this morning I would have thought he didn't get up. I slept like the DEAD!  Good or bad.... I never heard him !  Sometimes he doesn't need my help, but I watch to make sure he doesn't fall. His legs are weak and his balance is bad. They have been that way for years, but the BROKEN HIP WARNING is ringing LOUDER in my ears as we get OLDER.  I shit you not!

Jill stayed home again last night.... Drove Tracie home and came back.  That makes three nights in a row. :0)
She leaves for a 3 day tour of Washington D.C. at 4 a.m. tomorrow morning with the VFW gang.
A first time to DC for her, but some of the REGULARS make this trip yearly. A 3 day sightseeing trip and an evening of drinking...No Doubt!
Those three days I won't have to worry about her.  :0) Gil no sooner drove away with his step mom last night and she sighed a sigh of relief saying,  now he is on her watch and she can relax.
Which leads me to think...while she was out drinking it was I ON WATCH those times. 
She searches his back pack, his drawers here to see if he has anything hid.  He surely must have taken those meds of hubbys to his fathers house after he took them on the 29th of last month. NO WAY IN HELL that he could have USED 168 Oxycodone in one weeks time!!!!  Orrrrrrrrrrrrr could he? Not being educated in that area....I wonder.  Seems to me ...168 oxycodone ( 5 mg each ) would put an OX OUT for a week.
 I shit you not!  What is father is going to do to try to straighten his happy ass out... ?????  Remove him from his friends who are bad influences???  He has no friends here. Once upon a time he did. Made friends when he moved here at age nine until he left at age thirteen. Had some good friends. Now they have all moved on...good or bad.  I'm sure that Jill gets all the blame for the way he has turned out.  That would be just like the EX SIL from Hell.  I don't know about Gil, but just remembering the sound of his angry voice and his contorted face SCARES ME.  Logan was asked on some school paper he did in the 2nd or 3rd grade what he feared the most.  His answer was, My dad when he hollers at me.  That give you A CLUE??? 
Jill never wanted her kids to fear her and would always just TALK to them . It worked for her. 
As for myself...I can remember screaming at mine at times......Did they fear me? I'd like to think no as they didn't listen and I'd have to yell at them again and again.  Especially ...my Randy.  sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
Do I think screaming was the answer..... NO!  Definately NOT! Being overwhelmed with nine kids was /IS No Excuse. If I was able to go back to those years, would I do it differently? Probably NOT!
I'm answering my own question...honestly.
    My Cheryl called yesterday and during our talk she told me that her oldest son Buddy ( okay shoot me...age  30? ) came to the house last week to see Shayla his 15 year old sister. Brushed past her with no hug or how are you , long time no see...just said as he walked by her, " I'm here to see Shayla."
What have I ever done to him, she was asking.   Yep...we all wonder what we did wrong. sighhhhhhhhh
One thing that I KNOW SHE DID RIGHT was accept him when she learned he was gay. :0) Has had his partners to the home during the years and made them WELCOME. 
    Okay...It's Up and AT EM! ... I may have been wrong about the 8:15 a.m. time, BUT Deb P.T. is coming at 10 a.m. and Michelle the nurse is coming at 2. Workers should be here any time now. Randy is picking up tracie at her apartment  to get her car out of the shop ( repairs will be done or are done ). His truck will be repaired too. If I didn't mention it yesterday....his rearend ? let go. Jill had to take my car to go pick him up. A friend of his came from NH to drive him home last night. :0)  He has a small car that he will be using today, but that was at home in NH yesterday when he needed wheels.  There is one hell of a mess on the ground from old roofing materials.  They best get picked up and in the dumpster today.  My house INSIDE and OUT looks like a WAR ZONE. I shit you not!

It is now 2;30 p.m.  The house has never been so busy. Hell yeah...it has!
Hubby's cousin Polly came and brought him tea roses she picked from her yard. Last roses of summer...she said. :0)  Michelle his nurse got a urine specimen from him. :0) Dr Hard Head called in response to my complaints to his nurse this morning.  STILL he refuses to allow Hospice to have their doctor evaluate him for Pain Management. :0( What he has agreed to is.....I call the V.A.  and make an appointment to have hubby evaluated by him in a few weeks for a drug containing morphine.  Oh well.... a step in the right direction albeit a baby step. FINALLY I am getting someone to listen after all these years of him suffering.  IF I am not satisfied with what he gives him and how it controls his pain and he still refuses to agree to Hospice's Pain Management services..I will take him to another V.A.Clinic and get him a different primary doctor. Luckily ...we have another clinic even closer than where he has been going for his checkups for years. 
WE treat our animals better than that! 

Sixty degrees...Cool and windy. Downright cold if you are not in the sunshine.
Pool was covered minutes ago. :0)  The W.B. arrived here a half an hour or so before she had things done and helped her out.   He is like a Bad Penny. Keeps showing up at least once a day these past few days. :0(

No sooner than Logan came through the door after school the Ex SIL from Hell picked him up.  
It was HIS WISH as ALWAYS that Logan drive to the airport with his step mom, brother and step brother ( FAMILY ) to pick him up.  Mind you ...10 p.m. his flight lands on a school night ( if it's on time.)  Which means disembarking, and an hour drive home afterwards. Logan declined that experience last night. One can imagine that he will be paying for it today. Dad does like to HOLLAR and put the fear in you. sighhhhhhhhhhhh

Workers are lugging the shingles up onto the roof. BANG! That's a back breaking job! Hubby has done it when he was younger . Much younger. Like in his twenties after his discharge from the Air Force to earn an honest BUCK. 

Almost 6 p.m.  Daughter Michelle will be coming soon to sit with her dad for a few hours so I can ...go out with Tracie and spread the wealth. ;0)  and :0)
Her car was repaired. Son Randy saved her $600 by taking her car to the garage he uses.  She was quoted close to 2K by Meinke.   Was she thankful and did she hand him some green backs for carting her back and forth from her house in a different town these past few days................Time Will Tell...,but I'm not holding my breath. Oh well, maybe she doesn't realize that it's the thing to do when people go out of their way for you.

There is a Frost Warning for tonight.  Too soooooooooooooooooooon.  I've turned the heat on in the house now that everyone is through coming in and out the door for the day.  Hubby wants HEAT...Let there be HEAT!   
The sleep I got last night made for me having a better day today. Hope tonight is a REPEAT.

Was home from shopping at 9:30. I was a bad, bad girl. Stopped at Dunkin for a black Hazelnut coffee and .......those damn donuts talked to me. Eat me, eat me.... the lemon meringue pie donut is to DIE FOR.
I shit you not! ;0) 

That's All Folks!

D D A big YAWN as I begin my day

More rain during the night.

It's 6 a.m. Been awake since 4 a.m. ish.  Hubby couldn't sleep ...which means I couldn't sleep. As his arms enveloped me in bed, he said "I'm sorry."   This is where the GOOD MEMORIES come through and sustain............. We lay in bed awhile ...holding each other. A mans arms feel so strong ...don't they.  Wonder what we ladies feel like to them.   Hubby was peeing every twenty minutes before we went to bed.  He asked to be straight cathed as he was in pain ( Jill did it for me ).  He had ALOT of anxiety all p.m. . Tossed, turned, stood up, sat down....in GENERAL, he was driving me insane. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kept saying when I asked what was wrong, " I don't feel good."
Sometimes it was vague...other times the area where the bladder is was in alot of pain.
He woke during the night three or four times to pee.
At four a.m. he got up onto his porta potty and pissed while still wearing his underwear. Had sensations that he had a BM and had feces on him. He did not...thankfully :0) See ...I know another word to use for the word SHIT ;0)
Speaking of which...Noticed that Ginger had some kind of runny crap in her sweater box potty ( on a puppy pee pad :0)  ) , after I stepped in PISS around 3a.m.ish when I walked over to hubbys side of the bed to help him out.  I wear socks to bed . When my feet are cold...THE REST OF ME IS COLD! I shit you not!
Took off the pissy sock and the dry sock and soaked up the piss on the floor with another puppy pad. Put down a new puppy pad for her to use.  No small wonder that I was wide awake by 4 a.m. 
Isn't this what all households are doing at that hour of the morning?????  ;0)
   Jill is busy getting Logan ready for school.  TV's are on ........It's OFFICIALLY MORNING in our household!
Eliza,O.T. person called last night to say she would be here at ten this morning. 
Construction worker/workers ...coming sometime this morning.  Son Randy will be picking up Tracie and bringing her here....for what reason, I FORGET.  Her car surely can't be repaired yet. 
Another day.....IN PARADISE!

Ex SIL from Hell flying to MA from MS and landing some time tonight or early morning Thursday. 
Jill let these following words slip from her mouth as easy as saying "it's a nice day, isn't it."
Gilby told me that his father said to him, OH GREAT...your mother is a drunk and you are a druggie.
She didn't even stutter, pause or look embarrassed to say that to me.  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

NOW...didn't I hear just recently that his dad was getting a pain med from a doctor here in MA and Gilby was mailing it to him in MS????????  What's UP with this? Is /was it a BULLSHIT STORY?

I'll breathe easier when he leaves today/tonight to go back to the home he lives in with his step mom and part-time dad. From there he leaves with his dad for MS next week.  Jill applied for Free Health for him and IF he gets accepted, she wants him to go into a Rehab program.    Maybe I can talk her into going into one herself or AA to show him she accepts and acknowledges that she too has a PROBLEM.
I DREAM....I HOPE ! 

THE RAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just looked back at hubby and he is sound asleep . 7:08 a.m. :0(
Oh well.....the moaning and groaning has stopped.  I can DIG IT! :0)
Getting up off my ass to refill my cup with HOT coffee.  Toying with the idea to shower and dress. ;0) BBL

8 p.m.  One thing led to another and still I can't see any headway I've made.
 Roof workers made a racket all day.  That means SOME WORK DID GET DONE, just not by me. ;0)
Chrys ( our hairdresser ) came after her regular job and cut everyones hair. Mine was colored and Jill's was foiled.
Everyone has left and I'm happy that I can hear myself think.

I'd chat longer Dear Diary, but the sooner I can climb in bed and fall asleep....THE BETTER!
It's been a longgggggggggggggggggggggg day.  YAWNnnnnnnnnn

That's All Folks!

D D Some SUNSHINE on a rainy day

He is soooo tame. Comes right out the door of the cage to me. :0) Logan named him Bugsy...guess it's ALL IN THE EYES ...ya think? ;0)

While he doesn't answer to his name...he does answer to the sound of my voice and the clicking noises I make.  

RAIN...I have never heard such rain . All night longggggggggggggggggggggggg.

Woke a few times thinking I maybe should be building an ark. ;0) 

Lots of flooding in different towns. On tv they are showing the mess on the North Shore which includes my birth place, Salem,MA.  That's where my nephew Drew just moved to. 

I'm liking the darker print. It is easier on my old eyes, but I don't know about anyone elses. ????? 

I should be doing something....anything but sitting here on my ass. Kathy will be here in a half hour to help hubby bathe.   Did a little straightening up before I sat....NOT ENOUGH THOUGH!

Tracie came with ice cream for hubby and I from Kimballs farm late yesterday afternoon.  One of the best places around my neck of the woods to get ice cream. :0)  Hubby said his didn't taste right and only ate half of it. Black raspberry.. the same as mine and we both like that flavor very much.  I can never understand him. sighhhhhhhhhhhh

Around six she and I went to Kohls and then on to WalMart. I now own a babies nasal syringe ....ie: enema syringe. ;0)  A Much better choice than the turkey baster I wanted to use on him the other day for lack of a better choice.  Desperation drives you out of your mind. ;0)

The Senakot that I gave him yesterday morning ...FINALLY worked this morning.  :0)

Only two days in between BM's ....PRAISE SENAKOT and COLACE!!!!  I shit you not!

Three hours after I left...I was back home.

Kathy came and bathed hubby at the bathroom sink. OT Eliza will be here...don't know what hour today and a visiting nurse names Michelle will come between twelve and one. 

At four Lady needs to go to the groomers.  A FULL DAY!

Tracie was suppose to leave the car keys to her mother's car here, so that my son Randy  could take it to be checked out as to what work it needs done on it to be driveable....or if it's worth fixing. One day they were on my kitchen table and today ...POOF! Had to call her...thankfully she now has a Free cell phone . One hour later she came ....

This only caused more confusion in my house. Randy is trying to help her out and she tied up his entire morning. :0(  Naturally he was upset and of course the tension carried over.  sigh!

Jill has to follow them to where he is getting her car checked over to give them a ride back here. Meantime...I am enjoying the quiet with everyone gone, including grandson Gil.

IT IS HE ( my 20 year old grandson Gil )THAT TOOK HUBBY'S PAIN MED!  FINALLY Jill told me what has been happening with him and it isn't good. I shit you not!

Both she and his step mom have found needles and all that other drug paraphernalia :0(

Need to shower and dress.  BBL

It's been THAT KIND of an afternoon. Phone ringing off the wall.

There was no way i could nap...even rest for that matter.

The last call was from hubby's primary doctor and AGAIN we went down that route that Hospice is for people that have six months or less to live.  sighhhhhhhhhh Apparently he still doesn't get it...OR IS IT ME?   He asked me if I thought hubby had six months or less to live. DUH! That's his department.  No one is insinuating that hubby has six months or less to live. Hospice has a pain management doctor and that service is SEPERATE from the other part of hospice. Whatever hubby's doctor has been faxed...he is still not getting it. sigh!So then he asked me just what the problem was.... PAIN..  where ... It starts a few inches above both knees and goes down the entire leg.

Then he got confused on what hubby takes for this neuropathy.   :0(

Meantime...I am shitting a brick and praying he changes his meds to something stronger and I can just go pick them up tomorrow. NO SUCH LUCK! 

RX was...increase what he takes now to 8 a day. Four times a day give him two 5 mg tabs and see how he tolerates that. If that amount doesn't make his pain tolerable...call him and he will increase the dosage again or find another pain med he can take.

I couldn't bring myself to tell him that hubbys pain meds have been stolen and I am giving him the Loratab he was RX'd in Florida when he was in a rehab and praying that I have enough of those to last until his next refill is due mid month. They are not controlling his pain as much as the Oxycodone did and living with a 7-8 pain was bad enough. Now it's worst and I am sick over it and feeling GUILT!

 Hubby has to piss every thirty minutes. He's been this way allllllll afternoon. 

What the hell could be going on with that????? 

Jill dropped Lady off at the groomer for me and will take Ginger there to get her nails cut when she goes to get Lady at six thirty.  It's six fifteen.

The W.B. stayed away from the house for a few days. The past few days he has been coming here so she can see his SAD FACE and she has been sending him on his way.   She's like the wind...subject to change. 

He knows it too.    

It's rained off and on ALL DAY.  Could be worst. At least I'm not in a part of MA that has been declared a National Emergency.

Think I will go lie down beside hubby and watch the boob tube with him if he can lie still long enough. 

Maybe I'll even fall asleep :0) 

O.T. and the hairdresser will be here during the day tomorrow. Oh and the contractors helpers. 

More noise...more chaos, more confusion.  That's life as I know it!

That's All Folks!

 

D D I may have pissed my son Randy OFF!

Do I care ? Fuck NO!
I can't believe myself that I use that word so freely now.  Just the sound of it from someone else using it left a bad taste in my mouth. There was a time....when I would not use that word no matter how upset or pissed off I was. I shit you not!
Son Randy calls me at noon  today which is still Sunday...to discuss insullating under the floors of my house. Thought we discussed that with the contractor yesterday and he was going to do that, I told him.  We did, he says, BUT I've been looking online for insullation prices and I NEED TO MAKE MONEY TOO.
I BLEW UP!  Told him I just wanted it done . Kept hearing " I can do it' and I kept saying I want it done NOW. What's the difference...I end up paying you or him. I want it done now and IT ALL TO END. I want that room done and everyone GONE that doesn't have to be here.
Told him about the missing meds. OH!!!...so you are going to blame me for that now..he yells. He yelled Fuck off and hung up on me.   Well F him too!
He hasn't finished half the stuff he has started. True he has been working on  stripping Logan's room and carting off the debris to the dump in his town. Gas use ...wear and tear on his pickup truck, some back breaking labor ...even alot of back breaking labor, BUT I am at my breaking point now. I shit you not!
I'd rather pay his damned utility bills and pay my own way with contractors and the likes and GIT ER DONE!   
To add to my upset...hubby wants to get out to the back shed to start work on winterizing the pool and getting the pump drained out.  That means...I have to clear out an area for him to get in there to work on taking the pump apart after the pump is flushed out.  :0( 
THIS IS NOT how I want to spend my day... whether it's a Sunday or not!
Of course...no day will be a good day.............sigh............................

Son Randy came here from NH shortly after hanging up on me. I BELIEVE HIM!  He says he did not take these pills. He is hurt beyond hurt that I would think he did this and will be dead in his grave and still be blamed for everything wrong like has been done to him since he was a kid.  True...eight times out of TEN... Randy did it.
The rest of the kids blamed him for EVERYTHING they did too. 
A hidden camera in my room is what he suggests and a hidden camera IT WILL BE!  
 I shit you not !  I will leave the BAIT OUT!
OH and that door in her bedroom....NO MORE! The contractor was going to move the door over as the one there is over the bulkhead and stepping out onto it and using it as a stairway out back ruins the bulkhead . It weakens and pulls away from the house. Plus the fire department would not approve of this being used for safety reasons. Icy and slippery in the winter.   I/ME/MYSELF has made a decision.  That doorway will become a WINDOW  that will be approved by the fire codes ( opening size ) and in turn it will save me the expense of a storm door and stairs. Will lose less heat that way too. Wait until she sees this happening. MUMS the word until that contractor starts closing up that opening to the size of a window. I shit you not!
Gentlemen callers can come through the front door... orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr THE WINDOW.
It was handy to feed the feral cats, etc. but I can lean out the window to set down a bowl of food just as well. 

Jill and Gil went together to purchase our groceries and after she had everything put away around the 4 p.m. hour she said she was going out for a few hours and would have Gil drop her off and pick her up.  Mentioned that when she came back if I wanted to go out awhile she would watch hubby.
Immediately a vision of me sitting in the OutBack eating by myself came into my mind. Had already asked hubby if he would like to go and he declined.
She lingered inside the front door while Gil went out to the car and told me that she feels as horrible as I do about the meds being missing. She asked Gil and he DENIED taking them. At one point he was so upset he threatened hanging himself to her. ( This same mild, meek young man that I have never seen an issue with.  sighhh )  She told me she wants to get to the bottom of this too and will keep on trying. She is hurt that Randy is hurt and upset and told me to tell him so if he calls me later today.
I don't even want to think like this...but the missing money, my missing necklace and occasionally some of hubbys pain meds have been missing and it's been since Gil was rushed by ambulance to the hospital from here after his mother found him in a bad way at his dads house .  He was dehydrated from vomiting so much.  After 2 IV's of a Saline solution were given he was discharged from the E.R.   She suspected a possible attempt at suicide at that time and he has been staying here frequently since then so she can keep an eye on him.  Now she has never taken me into the FOLD and told me what is going on with him. Bits and pieces are all I have heard and learned.. A few weeks back she said she had been in contact by phone with her ex ( the ex SIL from Hell) in regards to both of them working together for the best of Gil.  He's checking cell phone records daily on his end as he pays for his cell phone under his or his wife's Plan and Jill to keep close contact with him to see how his days are being spent and with WHOM.  Today she said she has been living a living Hell with him and has been under alot of stress herself. She proceeded to tell me that his father is flying home from MS Wednesday and come next Monday he is taking him back to MS with him.  Again...NO INFO !   
Earlier ...before Randy left and while Jill and Gil were out grocery shopping we tried to figure out who had the OPPORTUNITY to search our bedroom as hubby is almost always IN IT and to place the time I last knew for cetain that the pills were there. It came down to...the day he and I took hubby to the V.A. to have his stitches removed ( Thursday the 29th ) and Gil was left here alone for an hour and a half. Jill was working.  
Sad for him and sad for her that my grandson has a serious problem.

    Around 5 p.m. I asked Gil if he had seen Cash. "NO."  I was going to ask him if he would take him into his mother's bedroom with him so I could rest awhile without hearing him tearing through the house or jumping up on my bed.  .I figured he was sleeping somewhere and thought no more of it.  Hubby and I had been watching old reruns of Three's Company , one after another and I dozed off. Woke a few hours later to a still quiet house and immediately I thought of Cash again and hollered out to Gil asking him if he was with him. " NO"   Then the hunt began . The only door to the outside that was open was the one to the back yard in the parlor.  Gil and I looked high and low inside the house and kept calling. Cash doesn't answer to his name, but we kept calling and hoping. Inside and out...HOPING against HOPE that he was sleeping somewhere. Gil took a walk up the end of the street calling out occasionally. HE ALSO kept trying to call his mother's cell phone to let her know what was happening and maybe hopefully she could come home and help search. She wasn't answering her cell phone. WHAT'S NEW!   Eventually she did call him back while he was on his way to go knock at the VFW door as I suggested... I say eventually as he must have called her a dozen times. Maybe she put two and two together that something was up.  Not many minutes after Gil headed to the VFW he was back pulling into the driveway. She was right behind him in another car... A WHITE CAR...THE CAR MARK her old beau uses of his employers. :0(   BARF! 
 Cash knows her voice :0) Her...I was happy to see.   While they are out searching the neighborhood and asking neighbors if they had seen Cash a neighbor on another street that Logan goes to school with took him in. Don't know how they contacted Jill...maybe brought him to the house or they saw them searching.
At 8:30 they came through the door with Cash and I asked her how he got out. " Someone let him out " she said with a slight smile/smirk on her face as she passed me by to go into the bathroom. I hollered over to Gil, " did you let him out?"  "Not me" , he said. "Me either", I said.  Followed by, " that's exactly what someone does when they just paid $21 online last night to register his implanted number and another $13 for an ID Tag with our phone number on it." I had found the info the vet gave her on one of the counters that I was cleaning off yesterday. She NEVER mentioned to me that his micro chip number needed to be recorded into a National Data Base type thing. Yep....it was my money that bought the dog, my money that paid for all his puppy shots, worming and all that good stuff, check ups, xrays, meds, skin parasite meds, only to let him out to run the streets.  Oh why am I trying to justify myself to you................. OR HER...or anyone.
If she was seriously insinuating that I LET THAT DOG OUT...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
She did say a few minutes later that in the daylight she will be searching the perimeters of the back yard fence.  :0) and I am SURE she will find the hole he dug!  I shit you not!
Sooooooooooooo Mark is standing there...I gave a short hello and she hadn't taken off her sweatshirt and looked like she was leaving again. "You going out again", I asked. Just out in the yard awhile she said. Well ...it's 9:50 and I was just down that end of the house and saw Gil heating up frozen pizza. We talked about this dog thing and I told him that she was accusing me of letting Cash out from the smirk on her face like she KNEW IT ALL.  He said, " that's the booze talking nana." She is drunk . She called Logan and told him his fucking dog was missing. I said, ma, ma,what are you doing? Poor Logan didn't need to get woken up and upset. He has school tomorrow.
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
After that talk, I went to the front door, switched on the outside light. WHITE CAR GONE AND NO JILL.  Wasn't ready to quit drinking for the night.  Ohhhhhhhhhh I forget! She has what??? Alot on her mind.... stress.... WTF...I DON'T ?
Just went to that end of the house again for a SECOND piece of apple pie ( it isn't even my fave ):0( and Gil is now in his bed in the parlor. TV left on in her room. Asked him why. Mom told me to leave it on for her. I can't believe she took off again.  HIS WORDS.
To which I said...when you have a problem... you will do anything.
If she brings that SOB home with her and I hear him in her room...someone is going to get embarrassed and it isn't going to be me.  It won't be her either....hell I know that she is beyond that.  I've entertained the thought of making her haunts a PIT STOP for myself....to embarrass her . Just as quickly I've thought what would it solve followed by WHO THE HELL WOULD BE HOME WITH HUBBY.  ?????????????????????????????????????????
It's time to try to get a few hours of unbroken zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's. 10:10 p.m.
Tomorrow ( Monday ) brings the rounds of people coming for hubby begins anew and the roof begins to be stripped. Oh and also a building inspector will be here to give his okay to pour a form on top of the Base/Footing...whatever it's called. My brain is tired.  G'nite!

Monday....and my morning began early. Hubby woke sometime around five complaining of 
severe pain in his legs. I got out of bed and gave him two of those older pills. Climbed back into bed but couldn't fall back to sleep. Made my coffee and started to read the blogs I try to keep up with and even found a few new from Amimental's blog.  Life Is Not Bubble Wrapped made me smile and remember those early motherthood days and daily struggles as a young wife and mother.
A woman named Jill is the writer of that blog and Jill if you are reading....you are doing wonderfully as a wife and mom. I shit you not! Son Randy came at seven to prepare for the Inspector. Strung red flags around the excavation , posted the permits etc. , made a call to get a dumpster here before noon and it's HERE before eleven. :0)  Inspector came and approved so the next step can be done.  It was raining heavy this morning....and guess what...CASH got out and Gil had to chase him all over the neighborhood. Back inside and he escaped again three more times before it was figured out he could push her screen door forward enough at the bottom as it's hooked shut with a hook and eye.  No trace of how he escaped....until you see it with your own eyes.  Not only that... later when she began to get the pool ready for closing she found him under the shed and guess what???? he has a hole dug and can get into the neighbors yard and OFF HE GOES!  You can't see the hole . It's behind the shed and the shed sits very close to the property line. Hoodini is what he should have been named. That or FLASH cause he runs like a flash once he is free.
P.T. Deb came and did her thing with hubby at eleven. I had to wake him at nine. He was in the same position as when he fell back to sleep around five.  Made me nervous every time I glanced over at him and I would watch for his chest to rise and fall.  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh
While Deb worked with him, I stripped the bed and changed it. Darling Ginger puked on the blanket during the night. :0( 
   A couple of workers are working on the forms and Randy has the siding on three sides of the house stripped off and is going strong. :0)
   Gil asked for Tylenol this morning and again awhile ago. He isn't offering to do anything.
Jill told me this morning she is keeping a close eye on him and he is upset with her that she is watching his every move.
I think...no I don't think ..... I KNOW who has been taking hubby's meds and took those 168 ( his months supply ) of oxycodone 5 mg each.  Another SHOCKER!  I shit you not!  Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that Gil would take illegal drugs.   JUST GOES TO SNOW YA!  Sad, sad, sad.
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and did not wish it on my daughter Jill like she has thrown at me when she was drunk. His father wanted his son to raise ( even offered to buy him from my daughter..Like in how much money do you want? 10K 20K ..just name your price.  No, I'm not joking. Gilby was 9 when they divorced. He wanted him at any price and Logan, well he never did bond with Logan. Later... both sons became possessions to him.  This IDJUT even took a naked picture of the three of them when Logan was a baby and Gilby protested to no avail.  It's dads way or the highway. Then the idjut put it on his computer. To this very day...he will deny it and did so to the courts and guardian ad litum and any other person involved in their messy divorce. 
What does that say about THIS FATHER? I'm no psycholgist, but I think it is SICK. Especially so where the nine year knew what was going on and was protesting having his picture taken NUDE!
Wellllllllllll... he bribed that certain son any chance he got to come live with him. Gave him the "I'm lonely" line. I have no one and your mom has Logan and you. Bought him EVERYTHING . I mean every toy no matter what the cost. FOR HIS HOUSE ONLY!  Then it was motorbikes and entering him in motorbike races telling him he was going to become the best paid and well known motorcross racer EVER. Come live with me.  He put him up to doing bad things when he was living here. I heard the illegal tape she made of a call between father and son. You are not trying hard enough he screamed at him. This when his shennagins failed to get my daughter to give her ex parental custody.  Do this...do that he screamed.  If you don't come live with me..LOGAN WILL BECOME MY FAVORITE SON.... I heard crying from Gilby ( it sounded like his heart was broken into tiny pieces ) when his dad said that to him.  Then I heard these words from Gilby , " don't you love me anymore dad"? You don't know what love is the ex SIL from Hell screamed back at him.  Mind you...Gilby was eleven then.  To add more pain to his sons suffering he told him that his prized Mustang was going to be Logans too. This after he had told Gilby from before an age that he could understand that the MUSTANG would be his someday.
At age thirteen Jill heard Gilby out as to the reasons  why he wanted to live with his father and she relented thinking maybe this was what her son needed. 
I can still hear that kid saying, ' dad will kick me in the butt if I do any wrong." 
Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  He taught you well Gilby. He taught you that laws are made to be broken. That's  your dads words and phylosophy.  He taught you how to cheat. He taught you all the ways he got around to doing illegal things. Cheat ..EVERYONE including the mother of your kids.  LIE,LIE , LIE, like Hell. Never admit the truth.
Jill told her ex back then, " don't ruin him and leave it to me to pick up the pieces."  He had him working for him under the table in a few business ventures for cheap money that he tossed to him . Gilby never learned that you have to work hard to get ahead. No monies paid into Social Security yet. Dad always said... he would take care of him.  He just might have to. I shit you not! Once he got Gilby to come live with him he began his Internet Dating and Gilby was left home alone many a night, even days and a few times a week and told to lie about it.
Let go of this hate for her ex like my daughter tells me I should....I think NOT!
. 
 I was going to pay for an expensive security camera setup for inside the house. If he leaves with his dad for MS next week, I may not have to. Still...it still might be WELL WORTH IT to something like that. Have other grands growing up.  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Randy was still smarting from the hurt he felt of being even remotely accused of taking something from us when he came here this morning. Jill said she talked to him and he is okay now.
 I wonder.
My son Larry would love to hear this story. He predicted long ago that Gilby would end up behind bars.  Dad had paid his way out of some scrapes when he was much younger. My son was friends with the Ex SIL from Hell before and after the divorce. They did all types of sporting things together. Motorcycling, scuba diving , flying, were just a few.  It took my son a long time to see him for what he really was. AN ASSHOLE and he still refers to him as an ASSHOLE to this day.
I would not like or be happy to see him laugh and say, I TOLD YOU SO!
Truely, I hope Gilby straightens himself out.
If you saw him you would not notice anything unusual about him. Dresses in jeans and a nice T shirt or sweatshirt. No gang stuff. No wild tatoos or piercings. He does have a couple of tatoos. One on his arm. FAMILY and another on a shoulder... his last name. Regular haircut. 
You just never know what is inside of someone. Even your loved ones. sighhhhhhhhh

It's three p.m. Hubby has nodded off.  Shame on me...I'm not showered and dressed yet.
He's taken care of...I have no place special to have been, but I may go out with Tracie for awhile after she gets back from Framingham...IF JILL WILL STAY HOME. After all...she worked her ass off taking apart the pool pump and all the other not so fun stuff involved in closing up a pool. Surely that deserves having a drink or two or three or four....... :0(
It's time to stop procrastinating and get showered.  Looking at hubby sleeping on that bed is not giving me incentive, BUT .... I need to wash my dirty ass. I shit you not!

That's All Folks!

D D Down and dejected

Who...I ask who ....could have taken hubby's pain pills. An entire bottle of 168 pills.
I have been using up what he had prior to this last refill and went to get it( from where I thought it was hid) last night and found it EMPTY.  Oh ...whomever it was,  left some older oxycodone narcotic with acetimetiphin in it that hubby should not have more acetaminophen than two a day , so the RX was changed to oxycodone with no acetaminophen it it.
As I lay in bed trying to sleep....all that kept running through my mind was whoooooooooo could be sooooo low.  Every time hubby woke during the night...a REPEAT played in my mind. Sleep was hard to come by .WHO, WHO, WHO?
I AM CRUSHED to think one of my own family members could do something like this.
Calling his primary and asking for more pain meds ...is out of the question.  I can't bring myself to tell hubby about it either. What would that solve? What could he do?  No sense the two of us having a broken heart.
This IS NOT the first time pain med has been missing. That is why THIS newest RX was hidden ( or so I thought).  NEVER has the entire bottle been taken. 
The 112 pain meds he was given in August ...ran out last night.   :0(  It goes deeper than :0(
   Jill was up early this morning...don't know what time she came in last night after dropping Gil off and taking off. She seems as aghast and upset as I am that someone would do this and said she is going to try her best to get to the bottom of this.  She asked me to show her where I had hid them to see how easy the access to them were and when I had last seen them. ( I've been lifting up the yarn in my knitting basket I keep by my desktop every week ...just to check and see they are still there.) Whomever took the pills, left the container...so what I was looking at when I checked was an empty container. The pain meds I have been dispensing to hubby daily, I have been keeping in my purse and just putting out the 6 pills a day next to his pill container where I can see them all day. 
Do I have to hide these meds..up my ass???????????????????????????????????????? 
And now they are talking more pain meds to better manage his pain through Hospice. 
I'd just like to give up......and check out. I shit you not!
How attractive would a necklace with pain med bottles strung around it be??????????????????????? 
It's either that or I stick them up my ass!

A better nights sleep....when I could fall to sleep or back to sleep.  Hubby used his potty at least three times that I can remember during the night. I didn't get up to help him...he managed on his own . Only had to wake enough to make sure he was through peeing and back on the bed. then I would get the covers from under his ass and cover him up.

Tracie arrived soon after I posted last night.  She had been to Framingham...a TEST DRIVE to find the Legal Aid office where she needs to fill out forms to send to the court before 10/4 saying why she shouldn't be evicted.  She drove all over Hells Creation and somehow didn't pay a toll when she left the Mass Pike.  She don't know how she did that. sighhhhhh Tried to pay at a State Troopers barracks, but they wouldn't accept the money. She got lost. LOng story made short. She will drive back there again today and put up in a Red Roof Inn so she can be in the legal aid office Monday morning to fill out those forms . TRAFFIC on a week day traveling that way is HORRENDOUS and she avoids highway travel, but in this case...she can't. She doesn't know the back roads there like she does around here.
Hope no one has the opportunity to look inside her car.  Her defense is...she is NOT a hoarder, what mess is in her apartment is CLUTTER from lack of places to put/store things.
Her car...tells a different story. I shit you not!
   My nerves are SHOT....just snapped at hubby.  He's questioning me as to whether Ginger went out to pee.
 I had just put Cash and Lady out my door.  My body tightened like it was in a vice...what the hell did it matter if Ginger went out???  The dogs at the door looking to go out were the ones that went out. Ginger has a pee box that she was trained to and uses that most of the time. Sometimes...she does do her business out in the back yard. Sometimes...she doesn't.  Presently she is quite happy laying in her soft doggie bed under my PC ...at my feet. Other times...she is very happy just to lie in bed with hubby.
A simple question; albeit a stupid question ( in my opinion ) shouldn't have riled me up and made me bitchy like it did.  YEAH ...I know. It's not being fair to him. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I've been questioning myself as to who may have stole hubby's Oxycodone. ( Percocet )
My son Randy would be at the TOP of MY LIST.  He takes pain meds legally and has on occasion asked me for a percocet as he worked for me around here.....my grandson Gil.??? Know there is some problem with him that my daughter Jill has not included me into.....sigh!    Jill...??? If anything it would be that she took them to sell . They have Street Value and Money Talks. Everyone could always use MORE MONEY.
She seems as upset about it as I am and questioned her son Gil on it. He denies taking them to her.
Tracie...well Tracie is taking this same med for her kidney stone pain and is only being given FIFTEEN at a time by her doctor.  One a night. Her doctor has been reluctant to keep refilling this med as she keeps putting off the surgery she needs to have those stones removed. 
My daughter Cheryl has not been here. Hubby's daughter Michelle would NEVER EVER take her dads pain meds.  She cared for her mom dying with cancer that was on stronger pain meds and it was her step father that stole from them. :0( Jill was telling me that I need to buy a safe like hers. ???? I had one of those and someone broke into it while I was away in FL in past years and stole money from it. I recently threw the USELESS thing OUT!  No one may have broke into hers.....is there money or drugs in it?   I don't think so.  A regular screw driver is all you need to open one of those. of course the KEY is useless after that!

HOW'S THIS?

ATTRACTIVE?????

Slipped under my top it looks like I have THIRD TIT.

:0( This isn't even funny...................................

I told Jill awhile ago that death seems the only way out for me. Don't talk like that, she said.

No..I'm not going to do myself in.... it's just that I would welcome it about now. The hurt from this and I told her the pain I have from her too....what reason do I have to feel any other way.

   Oh I guess it could be worst. THAT THIEF could have completely cleaned me out of a pain med and I would have had NOTHING to give hubby.  That was SO BIG OF THEM to leave me something ( even if it isn't what he should be getting three times a day.)

Winter is coming...maybe it won't be so noticeable under a sweater or coat. HAW ! HAW ! 

Okay....crying over spilt milk isn't going to solve anything. I feel twinges in my chest on the left side under my breast.  Is that a WARNING? 
   I know my son in FL is smart enough ( computer scientist ) to find my blog. If anything should happen to me he will learn what has been going on. In the past I have and still have Internet Friends and have asked him that if anything happened to me would he please email those friends in my email addresses and let them know. I'm probably over reacting now.  Must practice what I think worthy enough to make a note of. 
From Gloria Vanderbilt...You breathe in. You breathe out. One moment into the next moment.

That's All Folks 
I'll be back ....as hubby always says... you're to mean to die. ;0)