D D Round and round the Mulberry Bush we go

First....Cash . Age 1 on February 9,2012

Someone had a sore belly after eating leftover prime rib and birthday cake the night before. He wasn't himself in the morning. Just laid around. Perked up later in the day. Must be " the age!" wink,wink


Kathy came around 9:30 to wash hubby up at the bathroom sink. When i heard her say, "hi,Pat " when she stepped inside...I thought it was Tracie. She sounded so much like her. Enough to make my heart skip a beat. sighhhhhhhh     Jill had showered already. I needed to. After Kathy left,  hubby tied it up to shit. Next Gil needed to void/whatever. How did I ever make it out of here with nine kids ......with my mind and ONLY ONE BATHROOM??? Eleven twenty was closing in on me and hubby takes his towel wrap ( pull up under it ) walker trip down to the sink. Gil and the WB were in the parlor, Jill was in her bedroom. He began a discussion about different towns and different people he knew that had kids there ( we had already gone this route ) (told him the people he knew years ago had  kids that were mentally challenged and Gil was not going to Belchertown. He was going to Georgetown. To be quite frank, Jill didn't need to hear this Rat Trap talk from him...she had plenty on her mind for what was to lie ahead....and I told him we had this discussion yesterday. He did not have to go over it with her....what didn't he get? Belchertown and Georgetown are NOT ONE IN THE SAME!  Fuck you,he yells at me. I can talk if I want to. What am I doing wrong. yadda yadda yadda.  Told him nothing wrong, but him being down that end of the house makes me apprehensive to go and take my shower.   Why, why, more go fuck yourselfs , more I'm doing nothing wrong spoken indignantly.   Later Jill admitted to me that when she hears his walker coming into the kitchen , she too feels apprehensive. Is it going to be good talk orrrr bad talk, she worries to herself.  After my shower...upon entering our bedroom he once again wanted to know what he has done wrong.  . I asked him why he apologized to both of us. " For my swearing , he said.   Are we going that route again, I exclaimed.  Told him that he needed to find out what is going on with his brain. Indignant and defiant, he said, I'm not going into a hospital and you can't make me. I can't see how they can make me either.  Not having time to go into it ....I said no more.
On my short drive I thought to myself. I'll tell him that in doing so, it will make me feel better if I learned this is something beyond his control.  You would think that you would want to get to the bottom of what is happening.   That's how I'm going to approach it the next time....and we all know that there will be a next time. Round and round we go. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
When I left, I told Jill to not worry about leaving him alone. Go .... when they call you to go and I will be going for groceries after my chiro visit.   Two hours later, $150 poorer and a stop included in that same strip mall to The Paper Store ( eye candy galore )....I  came home. I did not worry about him...okay once that I can think of he did come into my mind....I did not hurry, I enjoyed myself and even took my Weight watcher Point Counter out and used it when I picked up items that looked good/healthy, but I had never eaten. Some I kept in my cart...others had too high of a Point Count to even give consideration.  EVEN...passed by ( but eyeballed ) milk chocolate covered pretzels.
:0(     Some day.... ;0)  Fed hubby and myself lunch and Logan was in the door from school shortly after.  Tried a repeat of the day before and layed on my bed at 3 to watch Dr.Phil. Missed the last 15 minutes of it. Dozed off and woke to the front door shutting at 4:30. Got up and made my way to the door and saw Logan leaving with his dad.
Called Jill...Gil was admitted....she was on her way to nashua,NH to retrieve that IPAD from the "hock shop" and give the proprietor a piece of her mind. I'm fairly sure that she won't be home any time soon.  The W.B. is with her. Gil is in someone elses caare, Logan is with his dad.  I don't need to say more.   Soooooooooooooooooo....that's where I am at now. Going to go cook hubby a nice steak on the G.Forman grille and myself a Smart One Dinner and load it with the cauliflower I steam cooked yesterday.  Will make hubby some asparagus to go with his steak and have some of that too. YUM! 
I'm soooooooooooooo glad I learned in my late twenties to eat all kinds of veggies.  :0) BBL


9pm finds hubby snoozing.  Jill and Butch got back here around 7.  SOBER! :0)
Learned .....Jill made some calls yesterday to people on Gil's phone. I overheard one call. She prentended she was looking to buy for her friend Gil that needed a fix.  When she mentioned the first letter of this persons name " Q " to Gil and told him she knew he was his drug dealer , his eyes panicked. He told her that this guy was dangerous and everyone could be killed if she did anything stupid.  Holy Crap! There are some bad people out there!
  She and Butch went to one of his druggie friends houses that they knew Gil spent a few nights at. She's a prostitute. Living with a gangster that just got out of prison. She identified herself as Gil's mother and knowing he stayed there. Left some clothes there. Could she step in please. When the woman let her in...Jill could not believe the deplorable conditions and there were kids there, one as young as two years old maybe. DSS is going to be involved. I shit you not!
   Gil will be where he is 5 to 7 days and from there...I forget what I was told. I'll talk with her again tomorrow.  He can smoke when allowed and use the vending machines for non caffiene drinks. He can have visitors and she will see him tomorrow.  He will be put on Saboxon . Shot up heroin and cocaine since she asked him to leave here.  Took pecocet and other pills . He fessed up to everything he took this past week or so. The EX SIL from Hell asked one of the councelors if kids can come to visit.  Was told no one under twelve and with that Jill spoke up and told them "MY son Logan will not be coming here!". That was for her ex's ears mostly.
" Guess the kids won't be coming then", he replied. 
Jill told me that she wants Logan to think it is a terrible place. It isn't, she said. It's a lovely farm.  I don't know if that's the right way to discourage a child from doing drugs or not.... I'm not " the parent" though.   I put it out there to her that I would watch Erzi and Logan tomorrow if all of them are going to visit Gil. They will be in contact tomorrow. She can put it out there to him if she wants to. 

Going to call it a night. Morning comes early and with it is....coming SNOW.    UGH!


:0) Only a dusting...if that! :0) 

Been a busy day............Still learning the extent of the thievery from  his mother that she discovered JUST TODAY and she is reeling! .There are no words to describe her emotions, she said before she left to go visit him from 2-4 today. Her safe was EMPTY of every item of jewelry , some worth thousands. Her dad's mothers antique diamond earrings and antique ring.His diamond ring, diamond stud that her dad gave her. ( She has lost one over the years) One half karot each. All kinds of expensive jewelry from old flames. Baby ring ...even.  Diamond tennis bracelet. I am just now remembering some of her jewelry. PHEW! She is devastated and angry with herself for being so naive as to think that her son would never take her things so therefore...never checked until today when her ex mentioned a gold iron ( it was a solid gold charm given to her by her cousin as she had told him that she would never own an iron. )  How she is holding it all together today....is beyond me.   Then again...she isn't back from her visit with him. it's 4:39 p.m.
DIL Kim was here visiting when she checked her safe.The expression on her face when she emerged from her bedroom was undescribable. "I've lost everything, was the words she spoke in a monotone.   DIL Kim whispered to me....now she might know.... how you felt when she took YOUR MONEY to gamble.  Yep, I do think so. I shit you not!
Do we stop loving our child........NO, but something IS LOST in the relationship and it will take years to get over it. Life does go on after heartbreak and heartache. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and YES, I hurt for her. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Still in pj's. Did some organizing under my kitchen sink and washed the windows standing up on a step stool  this morning. Will probably suffer with leg cramps tonight.  Such is life at 74. sighhhhhhhhh!
The W.B. did alot of whining to her when he came at 8 this morning. Always time for everyone else, but not for him I heard him whine.  I'm sure he will be over his mad by the end of the day after sitting in a bar and drinking.  She isn't in a "good mood".   Watch out...buddy! !!

This poster is for "the fireman.aka,W.B. "

That's All Folks!

D D Things don't always go as planned

Jill's ex's ....wife Julie OMITTED the fact that Gil was supposed to be at that rehab facilty before 2:30 p.m. Had Jill been told.....he wouldn't have showered ( she didn't ), she wouldn't have gone to the bank to get money for gas ( would have asked me for it)  and she wouldn't have gone through a drive thru to feed him ( would have had him grab something from here to eat on the drive). When she got to her destination,  she was told the doctor was in a long meeting and couldn't evaluate him now. We or Julie will call you with a time to bring him tomorrow.  You have got to be shitting me! The most important part ( she was never given a time ). WTF!   Georgetown is not a hop, skip and a jump from here. Going on a Fools Errand is...... to say the very least....not the way she thought things would turn out.
As I sit here....in my mind I'm thinking that her EX should be home by 10 a.m. , IF TRUE he was getting in his car and heading home at noon when they spoke. Let HIM TAKE HIM. I'll run that by her after everyone leaves tonight.  It's going to be a Chinese food night.  I plan to eat an egg roll and a small amount of rice.... How much damage can that do to the scale ??????????????????   What I read on the scale...is what I will get! sighhhhhh

Tried to nap before Logan got home from school and laid on my bed. ( Speaking of him....he has fallen asleep on his bed.) sighhhhhh   Wasn't long before hubby asked me what I did with HIS MONEY... Told him AGAIN.... I put it in the bank, I paid cash for my car and I paid for what the insurance company didn't pay for adding on to Logan's bedroom.  He complained about not being able to keep his own money at home in the floor safe and I asked what he needed it for. Lamely answered ...to pay for a place for myself to live.  Sooo I asked him if he was planning on giving all our money to a rest home. I'm not going in a rest home, he said. That's where you want me. Told him he'd have been there a longgggggggggg time ago if that's what I wanted.   Wasn't long before the subject of what he has been doing became the topic of discussion through whatever he was saying and he began to deny and once again ask what he had done. Spoke to him the first things that came into my head. At one point he told me that Jill came onto him. In a voice of surprise and indignation he says ,  I had to chase her away from me. Do you know how I did it? I told her you were coming and she ran out of the room.  DIDN'T HAPPEN, I told him. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!    That part of the conversation came to an end by him.  He asked me why I am looking for another man for sex.  Told him that I wasn't looking for another man FOR SEX, but if I ever decided to look for someone it would be for companionship and respect. . Not all men our age are sexually active. They too would like someone to be a companion.  Someone to  appreciate them. Someone to go out to eat with and share life with.  In a fake whiny voice he says, I appreciate you. I'm sorry I can't go places and do things with you anymore.  If he tried to make me feel bad, it failed.  I told him that I don't expect him to kiss my ass on every issue that may arise, but I will not tolerate anymore shit from him. Told him that I thought I took very good care of him and he admitted that I did. 


It's a new day.
So many things to talk about. Don't know where to begin. Maybe I should go backwards. Hubby is still sleeping. It's almost 7:30.  When Logan left for school at 7 a.m. I heard him call out to his brother. " I love you Gil. See you soon. I loveeeeeeeeeee you. " Choked me up to hear the love and concern he had for his brother.  Talked to Jill as I made a second cup of coffee. Gil and Logan had a talk last night and Gil told him to wake him when he left for school.  Tears came to my eyes. So many lives are being destroyed by drugs. Little brothers should not have to be heavy hearted over a sibling when they head off for a school day......or any day .  Jill and I talked.    Julie called her at ten last night to tell her that her ex will be home around 9 this morning. HER doctor friend is busy this morning, so it will be sometime in the afternoon before Gil goes back to Georgetown. ( Julie is a councelor of ? and in her job capacity she meets doctors /psychiatrists...whatever.  So this is how this Georgetown facilty has come about. She has been getting her information on where and how to get help for young Gil from her co-workers, etc.  Which is fine !   The aspiring criminal attorney is not in this field of work. Whom ever has THE CONNECTIONS doesn't matter. This kid needs HELP!  Jill tells me that he sees no future for himself. Everyone he knows that went through rehab IS USING again. He is severely depressed and should be on medication for that as was told to her by Julie. Some doctor at the place in Lawrence she took him to told her that. We don't disagree. He has been used by his father for his own needs and now he is floundering. I'm sure he remembers what his older brother Ryan had when he was twenty one. A stable job, his own place, the love of his life ( Sarah )  to share his life with.  He loves Emily, but has nothing to offer her and is afraid he will lose her once she learns he is into drugs. 
HE IS SCARED! 
Our youth are being destroyed by drugs.  At no time have I been more aware of it than THE PRESENT!  Good kids from good families ......NO ONE is safe!
I did slide it by Jill that possibly his dad could take him there. She wants the three of them to be involved when he enters those doors. Her ex, his wife and herself.    UNDERSTOOD by me!
She has told him to make friends with the ones that he knows are sincere about wanting to kick the habit. Not the others.

The Chinese food was delish. As always.............Took one Crab Rangoon that I didn't intend to eat, BUT DID!  :0(
Great grand Gavin is begiining to coo and Michelle and I got the biggest smiles out of him. Even mommy and daddy haven't seen these BIG SMILES out of him.  Michelle and I are Old Timers at that. We know the TRICK! ;0) 
One for me. ;0)

One for great Auntie Michelle. :0)

It felt sooooooooo good holding him............................mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn , mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn GOOD!
Sarah won't be going back to work until the first part of March. We get a respite ;0) Everything is in place....in Logan's room.  He's EXCITED!

Hubby is awake. Kathy the Home health Aide will be here at ten. I have a chiro appointment at 11:20 There was no opening for hubby at that time and to be truthful...I could make our appointment later in the day, BUT I enjoy the ALONE day. .  From there, I will go to the grocery store and stock up on some Smart Ones dinners/lunches that have Weight Watchers Point values listed on them. One of those 6 or 7 Point meals and a salad is filling. :0)  Had my taste of Chinese food ( delishous as always )...back to getting serious. Size 40 C bra has to go. I was a 36C at 150 pounds. That's  my Goal if my face doesn't look too thin to me.
Jill has showered and is ready for her day.
She had Cash's birthday party last night after we ate. I didn't PARTAKE of the cake. :0)
Pics tomorrow.  We are ONE HELLOFA Looney Tunes Family. I shit you not!

That's All Folks!

D D It's a new day

Called Tracie after I posted last night around 6p.m. . Felt like another slap in the face when she didn't answer my call.
She is beginning to really irritate me. Neither of us , she at 50 and me at 74 are school girls and this is BULL SHIT. I shit you not !
Took one more avenue to contact her. Posted THIS on her nieces Facebook page.
Trina, when you hear from your aunt tell her that I want to take her across my knees. She got the SuperBowl game Dead Wrong!

Moocho stress in the air this morning. The W.B. just went to retrieve Gil from the ex SIL from Hells house. They came through the front door at 8:10 a.m.
Yesterday he broke into their house ....don't know if anything was taken. Come to think of it...I heard Logan asking his dad what else besides the ex box he stole and was he going to have him put in jail. He sounded worried for his brother. sighhh   From what I have gleaned ....his dad told him rehab or he was having him arrested. He chose rehab and his step mom Julie drove him to Lawrence to be evaluated as to what MA facility he would do best in. They did a drug test to see what he is on and all he had in his system was marijuana. This hospital treats people with what they call severe drug and alcohol issues and refused him care saying they were not there to provide him meals and a warm bed. Put him in a cab and sent him to his dads last night. They also claimed that Julie had no insurance coverage on him....which her EX says is a f'n lie.  As Jill says...what system are they conning? MA unemployment orrrrrrrrrrrrrr. She has a job. Is she working under the table? Is there any truth to what young Gil has told them? Think not and so do they.
Immediately Jill went to him and told him to get on the phone with dad and Julie and get this insurance thing straightened out and see what plans they have made for him in regards to this rehab they talked about.
That's what he is doing now at 8:42 a.m. while Jill was baking a birthday cake. It's Cash' First Birthday. Ryan, Sarah and baby Gavin are coming for supper and cake. Jill never knows what meal she wants to make until she is in the grocery store. 
I am staying out of THIS... she talks about some of it when she wants to, but I know as a mom the hurt and pain in her heart he is giving her is DEEP. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
She has been making noises that she don't believe this FL rehab thing is true.  Knowing her EX ..................... sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Like why didn't Julie call the Intervention person that we have heard will fly with him to FL instead of go where she took him????????? 

Life goes  on here. Hubby kept insisting last night that Tracie could watch him use his porta potty. Stood up from using it to wipe himself and leaned his head around the corner to where I stood. "How come I can see you?" " You can't tell me that she can't see me. " It did no good to tell him that he had his efffin head craned around the corner.   Brain Dead...I shit you not!   Told him if she was Knock Out Gorgeous he'd be waving his pecker at her. Which he denied vehemently and I kept saying "oh yes, you would. You arn't shitting me!"  The other subject matter has not reared it's ugly head. HE KNOWS that WE ARE ON TO HIM and WE MEAN BUSINESS !  He wants to live in a Living Hell....we can arrange it!   Jill and I both are in agreement that a efffin rest home is not going to change our way of living. WE HAVE DONE NOTHING!  Why should I give them money...if  we both feel....it can be handled here at home.  We will JUMP ALL OVER HIM  !   Things are back to Normal..... whatever that is. He is saying "thank you " when he asks for something and it's done for him. In his physical condition.....he is not the man he was before he was injured and he is not the man that he was when he was CONFRONTED in the past. He knows HIS GOOSE IS COOKED and he can rant all he wants to, to where he wouldn't in the past...he is having less of a say in ANY MATTER!   His CONTROL IS GONE! Has no leg to stand on, so to speak. Excuse The Pun!

Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Hear Ye....Do Not buy a Cuisinart convection microwave oven with grill. Had mine maybe 6 months and the light went. Kept procrastinating and  just awhile ago I made the call to see where the lightbulb is so that I can replace it.  Was told that I CAN"T! I have to pay to have it shipped to their closest repair place which is in NJ. They will either repair it or ship me a new one. WTF! A $160 pain in the ass I bought!  It's under warranty for 3 years.....what the hell good is that ? This thing is NO LIGHTWEIGHT. I shit you not! I've had el cheapo nukers that had the original lightbulb until I scrapped it. There has to be a BETTER BREAD BOX on this idea...built right.
My advice to anyone would be....before you buy something like this...check out how to change the lightbulb and IF YOU CAN ! There are all kinds of warnings in the Instruction Book to not take the back off......  hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Son Randy might find that a challenge. What can we loose. ;0)  VISUAL is where it's AT WITH ME. Stopping the process to open the door and check my contents is not where I'm at. NOT THESE DAYS anyway!

11 a.m. Jill has been on the phone with the pawn shop owner that Gil and his friend Brian pawned his IPAD at for $200. Brian has an account there and they split the money. She has been on the phone with Brian too. He gave her the old  plea for mercy, I've never been in trouble with the law, my mom died 5 mo's ago, my sister has apilepsy and I care for her. When she told him that she is going to the police and have them check if he has other accounts....he admitted he has and has pawned many things..ALL HIS! Yeah, right!  She told him that Gil is not his friend anymore. She will take him with her and press charges against the both of them and have him sign an affidavid that Brian was present, it was his account they pawned it on and Brian got half the money. She told him she wants his half of the money back.
The pawn shop owner gave her BS too. Don't keep things in his store. IF they have it ..ti was sent to their warehouse, blah,blah. She called his bluff on it being sent to a warehouse for 30 days as required by law before it's sold.....told him the police told her that he has no warehouse , the items are kept there in his place of business for 30 days. Either you come up with it and call me back today or I'm going to the police. I'll lose my license ...I didn't do that.  Yeah right!
Texted her EX before all this went down and so far he hasn't replied back as to insurance coverage and his plans for THEIR SON. like she said to me...he and Julie are probably talking by phone trying to get some story together about her having insurance coverage on Gil without letting on that she was collecting unemployment and working under the table.   Of course WE don't know that for sure....but something smells fishy here.  Yeah....like I really think he is going to use their income tax return to pay the discounted ( I have friends/connections  ) 3K. WHICH IF TRUE is a huge discount.

Just went to the kitchen where Jill is icing the cake and Randy is busy as a beaver opening the Cuisinart.  Ta Da! He will pick up a light bulb.

Her EX has got in touch with her. She told him that she can't handle this alone.He is getting in his car and will be home in twenty hours. He will also straighten out this insurance coverage thing. ?????
The story that Gil gave his mom is that he didn't test for anything, but pot. Well ....as we know...after the age of 18 you can not get any medical information for an adult without consent. She and mine's best guess is...he had no insurance so they booted him out by taxi..... causeeeeeeee Julie says she saw needle marks on his arm. I will give Jill the money for the drug test from CVS. It's time to CONFRONT!   Just like he told her yesterday when she asked him if he sold the IPAD. No, was his answer and we know now...that WAS  BS!  Yeah...like he was starving......he had money from that IPAD sale. FOR DRUGS!  His food of choice!
Hearing that her EX, the EX SIL FROM HELL, dropped everything and headed home here from Jackson,MS this very moment as I type this..IS.....seeing is believing. I shit you not!  Deep down I'm hoping he can be parent enough to help his son. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Poor Logan is so worried about his brother. You can hear it in his voice when he talks to his dad about "The Plans". Last night he was relieved as we were to hear Julie had him in her car taking him to a hospital.  Wait til he comes home and sees him here.
 :0( 
Did anyone that reads here see the Dr.Oz Show today with Rosie O'Donnell????  It's a must! Menapause and weight.  Some things she said....rang so true with me.  I hope you all got to watch it!

Maggiesrainbow now has a donation through PayPal button.  If and ONLY IF you could help them financially, please visit her blog.  Even if you can't help financially.....you can lend your support by commenting. 
She just went through her first treatment.  Our prayers are needed.

Son Randy just went to the pawn shop.  This proprietor better have this item. Like...an IPAD takes up so much space it's sent to a warehouse. Gimme a break!
Don't know who Jill has talked to since noon, but she woke Gil and told him to shower. She is driving him to Georgetown to a rehab. Handed me the drug test money back. She will look at his arms before they leave here. Mentioned that the nice supper she wanted to make will be placed on hold...making something easy on her as her day will be and has been TIED UP. That... is has............sigh!
Shower is running as I type.  Don't know what happened to the BLOW HARDS PLAN  of rehab in FL through HIS CONNECTIONS. Neither does she. BUT ...I caught her in a free moment and she said Georgetown was EX Gil's latest idea and from there it will be determined if he still needs further rehab than a 30 day program.  I asked her if he still was coming home and she said, yes, I told him I can't handle this alone.  If true....wonders of wonders!


That's All Folks!

D D What the mind can conceive............

:0) These are cookies made with a dog bone cookie cutter and cut in half . Someone out there is mighty talented and had alot of time on their hands.

What kind of a party do you take these to? My imagination escapes me. ;0)

Haven't called Tracie again. Feeling rebuked after my one and only call Monday was not answered.

Which in turn is not a good feeling and I am getting PO'd. AND to be quite honest...I enjoyed not having to entertain her, even if it's only small talk.

I have more on my mind than THIS BULL SHIT!

Grandson Gil called his mother ( Jill ) yesterday more than once...begging her for money. Starving, cold. all that good shit. Turned down her offer to feed him and purchase him a pack of cigarettes. Wanted money and Butch owed him $75.  It isn't the W.B. that owes him $75, it's the guy they both work for and HE KNEW and KNOWS that when HE gets paid for the job, THEY will get paid.

Wants to take Emily out to eat Friday. Needs to see her before he goes away, blah,blah,blah. Jill even offered to drive him to her dorm, take them to a place to eat and stay in the car. Wasn't good enough. She had him on speaker phone and I heard him threatening to commit suicide.  She said when she got off the phone that she might just have to call the police. Her ex has a good idea where he is and it's with the very person at the top of Gil's cell phone calls that he made and received NUMEROUS calls to and from that his dad got a record of and that Jill called the day he left. She is in her forties we have learned and SHE is the one that showed him how to bend a spoon and do his first injection of heroin.  Once Gil is in a rehab.... a raid is going to go down on her residence. Fuck with Jill will she....acting all innocent and concerned for Jill. Also acted...VERY NERVOUS! She should be. I shit you not!

Eventually Gil called the W.B. for his money and once again he explained they haven't got paid, BUT he would pick him up, bring him a pack of cig's and take him somewhere to eat. Just name where you want me to pick you up.  He told us when he left to go to him that he would get him home here. Didn't happen, but that's okay. Yeah...he looked rough. Hadn't shaved ( his gear is here ), looks like he is in withdrawal.  BUT he isn't out in the cold like he wants us to think he is. They are sure of that. Unless that woman's heat was shut off. ;0)

Butchie told him if he came back to the house he would be on a plane to a rehab in hours. He didn't want that. He wants to chose when. So be it! Can lead a horse...but....

He was hungry. They ate at Wendys. Gil's choice.

I do appreciate that the W.B. offered to do this and not put money in his hands.

Took Lady to the groomers at 4. Then I went to the VA to see Bill and give him the paperwork he asked me to fill out. Found out it was for a Day Care Program and I thought in was for care while he was being evaluated.  Hubby WILL NOT GO to one of those programs. I know it in  my heart and that's not really what i want. I want to know if he has Dementia. Bill told me that he asked his primary to okay that field of course and I can only imagine that at a week later, he hasn't done it. :0(  

In talking to Bill.....he told me just with his talking to hubby alone....he saw NO SIGN of dementia. He thought he was sharp as a tack!  Then........WTF do we have here???  A fucking pervert .... that his true self is revealing in advanced age ???

Do Jill and I have to report to each other all day long and CONFRONT ? If that's what it takes........ I'm all for it. Jump on hios ass when he gets out of line. Can't threaten him with a nursing home, cause I'm not ready to do that....yet.

Jill told Michelle what happened just a day ago and Michelle said she wished she could care for him in her house. Getting him in would be a problem as they have a split entrance. Bedrooms are not on the main floor.  Michelle took care of her mother in her mother's house for months before she passed away. Went through alot of mental cruelty with what she called her mom's chemo brain. Mush. Would come here and fall in her father's arms bawling her heart out. She has a BIG heart in her tiny body.

If what hubby is doing...isn't dementia.... Jill and I working together will handle him. This I promise myself and Jill !

I am woman...HEAR ME ROAR!

From the V.A. I went to Kohls with an exchange and walked around the store...( bent over :0(  ), chose a beige bra and got home in time to pick up Lady at 6 after getting Ginger at home to have her nails clipped.  Fed hubby. Drove in the dark to the grocery store in the center to get his cookies (  he's out of them ) and a few other things on the list. From there I drove so many yards to the entrance to the hardware store and got his efffin bolts. When I got back from the dog groomers he asked me if I picked them up. DUH!  No ....didn't I just take Ginger to get her nails cut? Sometimes I think he doesn't hear a thing I say,  BUT he does retain what he wants to cause Sunday when Jill asked him where I went, he told her to the Center Cafe to watch the football game with Tracie. See ...he remembered that threat I tossed out to him the day before.  

It's 11 a.m. Must take a break and take out happy butts to the chiropractors. Appointment is 11:25 and it takes a w h i l e to get hubby coated up, in his wheelchair and out to the car, in the car and then out of the car into the chiro's.  T i r i n g. I shit you not! Could be worst.

Oh by the way...I've lost 9 pounds these past two weeks and I am waering some sleek looking clothes and a new over the heel pair of black leather shoes with ( looks like ) a 2 inch heel. Wide, not spiked. . I'm in my SECOND CHILDHOOD! ;0) 

Noontime...and we're back! Hubby was dumped unceremoniously at our bedroom outside door. He slid out of his transport chair as Jill tried to get him over the thresh hold. None for the worst....

He even let some air out of his air cushion while we were at the chiropractors because he kept sliding forward. His spine curves and his butt doesn't allow him to sit up straight. Looks like a seatbelt is needed. I shit you not! He crawled /scooted on his butt to the bed and is on it and fine. Scott from AllCare will be here between NOW and 1p.m.  It's the once a week nursing visit. It's never the same day....or time. They call the day of....and ask if they can come between such and such hours. Hell...we're home for the most part. Come along!

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo....here I sit all dressed up with no place to go. Unless....I want to go eat a salad somewhere.  Alone......  with a good book.....maybe I'll talk myself into it after Scott leaves.

My feelings are damaged to think that Tracie could even begin to think I would do something like that purposefully. Wonder if she will feel the same way if I express I want to see less of her...if she ever comes around or I call and she answers her phone. Am I opening Pandora's Box???????? 

Still it seems a terrible way to part company. sighhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm starving. Heading to the kitchen to grab some..........fruit. BBL

Made a large salad and a Smart One zucchini marinara pasta ( 6 PW.W.Pts. ) 2Pts for the salad dressing.

Around two...I took a nap. A    l o n g  one.  Got up to use the bathroom just as hubby was heading to the kitchen.  Could hear him bitching to Jill . She was folding clothes from the dryer.

After he went back to our room.....the two of us talked and SOB if AGAIN the W.B. doesn't show and cut our talk shorter than I wanted it to end. She had a doctor appointment today and was spilling her guts to her doctor about her son Gil, her father ( Mike , that be hubby ) and her son Logan's  illness.  Her B/P is UP even on the RX'd medication for it.

Her doctor is MY DOCTOR.  Need I say more. I'll be spilling my guts to her next month at my appointment! I shit you not!

Oh...hubby was bitching to her that I slept most of the afternoon.  

I say...Tough Titty!  I WILL NOT justify my nap to him. Fuck him!

Jill left with the W.B. to go to Kohls to buy new sneakers. The Nikes he gifted himself at Christmas are too tight. He wears a 9 1/2 and these Nikes are a 9 1/2 , but we women know that Nikes run smaller in size ;0)  He needs a 10.  Logan wears a 9 1/2. The sneakers still look new. :0)

After they left....hubby started with the questions....Tracie mad at you? You mad at Tracie. No.No.

Then he tried to tell me that she stands in the diningroom when he has to use his porta potty and peeks at him. I rose from my puter chair and stepped out into the diningroom ( at the very opening to our room ), it is IMPOSSIBLE! Told him so and he still kept on about it. Is that what you think...is that what you think.... sooooooooooooooo I said, while we are on the subject of sex, hear me out.

Then I proceeded to tell him what he did the other day and Jill and i are sick of his behavior and if it's a rest home that he wants to be in...I can arrange that. You can't put me in a rest home, he exclaimed. Like Hell I can't I told him. How are you able to do that, he hollered questioningly.   Should I whisper in his ear....that he gave me POA.  Naw....I thought so. It will be our little secret.  I told him we are both sick and tired of living with his bullshit and the stress it brings and WE REFUSE TO CONTINUE TO LIVE THIS WAY!. Jill... DID NOT straddle you, etc., etc. and NO MORE sex talk to her, .....all spoken FIRMLY by me.

Funny how he didn't flip out and go into a rage being talked to by me as would have been the case not too long ago.

ONE DOWN! One TO GO!

Now to make a second call to Tracie. 

That's All Folks!

D D Stunned!

Before the Super Bowl Game yesterday,  Tracie and I went to eat and then to shop.
Think...I might  have mentioned that in yesterdays post.
When we got back I went to dig out that TV ??? for her and it was during this time that The Old Tom and Dee showed up here. ( They use to be neighbors, until they lost their house to foreclosure due to Tom's not being able to hold a job because of his alcoholism. )
I had no idea that they were coming here to watch the game. Sure I knew Jill was making some chicken wings and shrimp cocktail, but she didn't marinate alot of chicken wings the day before and only bought a pound of large shrimp. Numb Nuts me...thought the food was just for our family and the W.B.    Later.....I found out from her that is exactly what the food stuff was for. Just US and W.B.
She knew that I wouldn't be eating the wings and only a few of the shrimp.

After half-time I ventured into the kitchen and noticed the parlor tv OFF, so I went to Jill's bedroom and asked her what was up.  Learned from her that Tom and DeeDee only planned on staying to half time and Alex was bored so the W.B. took her home to his place. Jill was happy to have that break from being The Hostess.  Kept saying she was relieved everyone was gone. She was NOT a Happy Camper when the W.B. told her that he had invited them and told him to make it VERY CLEAR to them to stay the fuck away from our bedroom. These two ( for lack of a better word..Hangers On ) have been attached to her last 3 male friends ( through the bars) and Jill did not invite them to spend this past summer here at our home ( pool and refreshments ) as in the four previous years.
A longgggggggggggg time ago, both Jill and Tracie babysat their two kids whom are in their thirties now.  Harmless people, but alkies none the less and just seeing them sometimes can turn my stomach.
Their kids....turned out to be fine upstanding people. :0) Their daughter will not allow them to be alone with her one child since birth ( maybe 5 years ago now.)  They didn't visit their place of residence with the baby ( now child )  because of their condition and that of the house.  Tom was drunk 24/7 and DeeDee has managed to hold her job for over twenty years. Drinks after work. A diabetic that drinks every night. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 

Today after our chiropractic appointment hubby wanted to go to our local hardware store . Can do. He only wanted some screws. I bought lots, including a do it yourself (plant and seed ) windowsill herb garden. :0) 
Close to four I was expecting Tracie to walk through the door any minute. Instead...I get a phone call. Can you meet me outside in a half hour. I left my wallet in your console.  Listen for my BEEP.
Thought that strange, but...................................  
I needed to put something in the trailer, so I put on my coat and went out. She got out of her car and came over to mine and retrieved her wallet. Handed me back that TV ??? and said it didn't work, to which I replied, " that's ashame."  Where are you going, I asked as she turned away.  Home...she said. Where have you been, I asked.  Home.   .  Then she told me there was an envelope in the TV ? box as she was facing away from me and leaving.. It's not part of the contents she told me.  Right away I got a funny feeling. Did what I had to do out there and came inside and removed the envelope and ....read the letter inside.

Pat, I'm writing this note to you because.  I am too hurt and upset to talk without crying. About yesterday when we left to go out to eat and to Walmart . I heard Mike say there is going to be nobody! Nobody! here tonight , so I knew I was not going to see the game. But nobody should have meant  You, Mike, Jill,Logan and Butch. If alone no Alex. What happened to Alex was not aloud on the property  expecially in the house. Big joke Jill is the boss if she says it okay it goes. Bucth can do what he wants. Getting back to yesterday. I thought it was weird that you kept looking at your watch. You was in a big hurry to get back home.  I knew the game did not start until 6:30. I also knew Jill was planning a party. I'm not stupid! You wanted to get back and get rid of me. Before Jill started getting things ready. Well it blew up in your face. When Tom and Dee Dee walked though the door. And Jill put all the expensive goodies out. You can't tell me it was not a drunken loud party. Well Pat you have been a good friend since my parents died. And a good neighbor for over 40 years. I've needed someone to talk too and you have been there for me. I felt you needed someone to talk too other than dogs and washer and dryer. And you needed to get out and see and talk too other people. Get out of looking at the four walls of your bedroom where you live all the time. Get away from doing washing and folding clothes for everyone. Well I've had some good times, good laughs, good talks with you and Mike. Well Pat, you have hurt me big time! You stuck a hot poker though my heart and twisted it. I guess the good times and talks have meant nothing to you. I'm sorry I now see I been nothing but a pain in yours and Mike's ass! I remember after my mother dies Jill told I will not be alone. I was always welcomed over there. I was part of the family. Oh again another Big joke on me.

Sincerely, Tracie

This is her words, her spelling. I didn't correct her spelling and puncuation.
I've gone from feeling stunned, to hurt...to angry and BACK!.
I did not know that Tom and Dee would be coming here to watch the game. I was not looking at my watch for anything other than I didn't want to miss the game. Thought the game started at 6. I heard that somewhere in the past few days.  It was after six that we got back...we'd been out three hours. 3:15 to 4:15 to eat and the rest of the time driving to and from Walmart and shopping. I wanted to locate that TV box in hubby's bedroom closet without him asking me what the fuck was I doing in HIS CLOSET and why was I giving her that ( even though he doesn't know what the fuck it is. I had coupons and bought three with coupons ( given out when tv's went to digital ) and $20 each OVER two years ago, as I knew my daughter Cheryl needed at least two of them as she couldn't afford cable tv.  )
I was as surprised to see Tom and Dee Dee has she was.  Thought it odd when she said to me in parting..."oh they can watch the game with you, but I can't!." I replied..."not in my bedroom they aren't ! " The felt guilty almost as soon as she drove away cause I didn't think to say...stay and watch the game with them in the parlor. It hit me minutes later. I felt horrid watching her walk out the door in the first place. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh
SHIT! I can get in trouble just staying in my own home!  sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
As for Alex not being allowed in our house...I have no idea where she got that from.  When Jill first began to date Butch. Logan was and still is...a jumper when he plays XBOX. He doesn't sit. Jumps up and down. His pants come down where you could see his crack and Alex told her mom ( what age was she then??? 6??) that she saw Logan's private parts.  Jill and Butch got an irate phone call from her mother reporting to them what Alex said and asking what the fuck was going on here. She accepted what she was told..... right away???? I don't know...can't remember. BUT, back then I made it very clear THAT VERY DAY that Alex will NEVER be allowed to stay here in MY HOUSE overnight.  There was no fucking way my grandson was going to be listed /labeled a sex offender when this child did not know the difference between a natural occurance or a devious action.  IT STILL GOES!  I don't give a shit if she is grown !  We are up, we are present to watch what goes on during the day. That's when she can be around Logan. Then and ONLY then!  To make it very clear...AS LONG AS JILL LIVES WITH M, .I don't give a shit what Jill would ever have to say about this matter. She was in agreement with me then and in MY HOUSE there never be left a scant suspicion for anyone to make something of.  IT STILL STANDS!   CASE CLOSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
   Jill just came back with Logan from Tufts. He had a follow-up appointment. The head honcho infectuous disease person sent Logan's doctor there an email. Logan's picture was taken and he will be written up in their literature for doctors and future doctors to read. He was the first case of Cat Scratch Fever in the paratid and ? that Tufts has ever seen.
Logan had joked with them before he was DX'd that he'd make them rich and famous as they puzzled over what he possibly could have. ;0) He joked with his doctor today. See, I told you I'd make you rich and famous. His doctor said...you both are smiling, but to get an email from this top specialist....I am smiling even more. 
He is still tired/wiped out after school and sleeps a few hours. His doctor said it's understandable. It will be awhile before he gets back to where he was and told him to drink more when Logan told him that he gets light headed.  As I'm typing this...he is asleep. No sooner got in the door and hit his bed. It's 6:42 p.m. Monday. 
Gave Jill Tracie's letter to read and I felt the corners of my mouth turned down all the while she read it.
Butch came through the door with her and both began saying what I have already said. She never bought food for more than what she thought our family would eat. And Butch of course. She did not know UNTIL that day that Butch invited them after running into them earlier that day.  I know that....so why am I going on and on about it. ????????????????????????????
Hubby doesn't know about the letter. I want to keep it that way. He'd be making happy sounds and I don't need to hear that. I shit you not!

Hubby took another SPILL out of his wheelchair  while sitting in it puttering on something in our bedroom this afternoon.

Yesterday I caught him using his exema cream for behind his ears on the back of his heel where he has dried skin,plus crosses his feet in bed.  Has been told by medical people not to use that exema cream on it. . Dry skin needs a lotion.  Gave me a bunch of shit. Told me to look behind his ears and see how good that stuff works. No visable redness or sores. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I say...that's because it's exema behind your ears and you used exema cream on it. What you have on your heel is NOT exema. He began...I don't give a shit what you say, I'm using it. " Fine by me", I said." Do what you want to do, no argument here. "
Soooooooooooooooooo today Kathy came to help him bathe and saw the back of his heel. What happened, she exclaimed. Your heel is worst than I saw it Friday.No response from him....so I lean my face into her ear and say...." he's using his exema cream again." Her eyes opened.....wide.  Later she told me that she has other patients the same way. Won't listen.  As for me....I don't care if his foot has to be amputated because of his stupid shit, BUT  it won't come to that.    If he didn't already use the lotion after she left....I'm sure he will when it gets painful. ;0)

Oh My Gosh!  It's past supper time.... Way past suppertime.  surprised hubby hasn't made waves.
Thought I'd go out for awhile with Tracie and bring something home........WRONG!!!!  

I have no idea yet what I am going to do about Tracie.  I can't leave her thinking those thoughts.
True...I do not want her here every day and while we were eating I had told her i wanted to cut the times we see each other to a few times a week. I was thinking Wednesdays and Fridays. Maybe another day in there from time to time. She was trying to rationalize with me that hubby is being unreasonable and I need MY TIME OUT.

While fixing supper I got mad/irate and had my speech ready for Tracie.

Tracie Jean, I am hurt and mad.  Nothing was like you wrote. I swear on Logan's life that I knew nothing about Tom and dee Dee coming here and Jill didn't until later in the morning yesterday. No food was bought extra for a party. Whatever food Jill bought was intended for family, but yes...she shared.  While It's true I  think we need to begin seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week, I do not want you out of my life. Yadda,yadda,yadda.  She didn't answer her phone. :0( Now I'm getting myself worked up more over this shit!
She never set up her mail box so you can't even leave a damned message on her phone.
This is BULLSHIT! I shit you not!

Logan's dad ( the EX SIL from Hell ) called him just before 8 p.m. I could not get Logan to wake up. He didn't want to. Just wanted to sleep.  He could hear me trying to wake him. I kept putting the phone to his ear and telling him it was dad and he'd brush my hand away. Told ....asshole...to try back in an hour. Could hear him saying to Logan...I talked to Gilby. Don't you want to hear about it.
I hope it's the news that he has accepted the offer to get HELP with his drug addiction.
Jill went out to eat with....you know who.

It's 8p.m. The Batchelor is on.  I'm out of here until tomorrow.  See ya then!

Tomorrow has come for me at 3:08 a.m. :0(
A pain here, a pain there kept waking me to change my position. Each position brought a new area of pain. Lying on my back , my left knee woke me hurting like an SOB. That's a new one. sighhhhhh
2:48 a.m. I made my way from the bed to the bathroom, cause I read from someone here ;0) ;0) ;0) that it's not good to hold that urine and six a.m. was a long way off. NOW Tracie begins to run through my brain and I again begin mentally to write a letter in my head. Tracie Jean...  You are NOT as smart as you think you are. Tracie Jean.....You had it ALL WRONG.... 
Minutes go by...my little old Lady Bug comes to me to be let out to pee. Back in bed...find a somewhat comfy position and Cash comes trotting in. Him you can hear, becuase of the weight difference in him and Lady and Ginger when he trots about. Up I get again. ( Usually they sleep in Jill's room with her door closed. How they got out????? ) Lady and Ginger do their business and get the Hell back in  :0) .....NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT Cash.  He keeps his nose to the ground and goes all over the yard ...twice and then some. :0( Soooooooooo I wait and wait.  Finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy he comes to be let in and low and behold he actually does come in. Most times he plays a game during the day ( let me in ) and as you open the slider for him, he looks at you without taking a step forwards.... ( no forget it, I'll stay out.)
Okay...back in bed. Minutes later I hear Lady's snipping sounds ( the ones she makes when Cash is really hurting her as he trys to play ( 7 pounds versus over 22 pounds. :0(   ) Followed by Jill's footsteps. I call out to her that I have let them out. They wanted OUT again.  She takes this opportunity to pee and right away both dogs were at my door...Lady snipping(yelping) as Cash would pounce on her. Up I get....3:08 a.m. Let them back in and headed for the coffee pot and here I sit.
The house is quiet, EXCEPT for the squirrel running on his wheel. ;0)  I sleep right through that....can you imagine that???? I must be tired when I finally hit the bed. ;0)

Last night I was wrong about Jill and the W.B. going out to eat. They came back with an 8 piece order of Kentucky crispy fried chicken dinner.  She called her ex to see what was going on with Gil. He texted him the longest text he has ever got from his son. The gist of it was.....staying with friends until Friday. I want to see Emily one more time and let her know what is going on with me. I'll probably lose everything I have with her. I haven't done hard drugs, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't want them. I will be ready to go to rehab after I see Emily Friday night. 
She was on the phone with her ex a good hour ( on speaker phone ) and dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyam...he sounded rational and spoke in a normal tone. What a nice surprise! I shit you not!  Meanwhile...the W.B. chowed down and hit her bed. He had a few rum and cokes under his belt when he came here when she got back from Boston. You know....that after a hard days work thing....when you deserve a break and earned it.......I heard her say then," you have been drinking "and he said  " a couple." She nuked her meal. Either she woke Logan to take his meds or to eat then. He looked like something the cat drug in. Listless, tired and just nibbled at his food. His doctor said he was a very sick boy and it's to be expected . The recovery process will be slow. Sooooooooooo, I'll try not to worry. Didn't do his homework. I'll try not to worry about his grades too.
THIS TOO, SHALL PASS! 
4:03 a.m. Tracie was out of my mind for awhile while I went on to other subjects. Can't get the mental picture of her feeling so sad and dejected as she lies in her bed tonight out of my head. :0(
Damn her!  She read that WRONG!  No pre-planned party here. Why the Hell am I still trying to explain it to you???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Should I???? or shouldn't I crawl back under the covers. Will my mind let me fall asleep????
So glad that I have the luxury of not having to get up for a paying job that I need to keep. Retirement does have it's benefits!

How about that Dr.Phil show yesterday. The Little Girl Locked in The Closet.....for 6 years. OMG! She was the size of a 3 year old and was 8.  Her deplorable condition . The deplorable condition of the closet where they kept her. Was raped by her step father and his friends for years and had to have anal and vaginal reconstructive surgery as well as esophogus surgery from eating plastic and wood. STILL at age 18...sleeps on the floor.  And..................she's a sweetheart after all she went through. OMG!  Of course she will never be the same and always will need counseling and the like.
I'd still like to know how with three other children in the house...HOW SHE was such a well kept secret ???????????   If she.... was LOST out there ......how many others are suffering like she was???
The maggot that gave birth to her...never showed any remorse and called her IT!  She HAD A NAME. IT WAS Lauren.

Son Randy worked under the house until 9 p.m. last night. Bet he was sore and tired. :0(
He wants me to order more stone in the next few days and have it delivered. To keep the dirt down . Dirt floor and it comes up into the house when the furnace fan comes on.  Probably the same with the Central A/C.  He has done the closest part to the biulkhead of the cellar. Climbs the stairs, fills a 25 gallon bucket ( heavyyyyyyyyyyy ) and takes it back down and spreads it around. Now he has to go further back under the house. Then he wants to shore up the basement foundation where it's caved in under the foundation. Phew................. what a worker he is. He has and is taking pictures to put up on our tv screen ( via the computer) so that hubby can see just what is up down there and what he has done. TRUST ME......PLENTY!  The new waterless water heater arrived yesterday. MORE WORK there. It's never ending!  Come Spring.............there will be plenty for him to do on the outside. Siding still isn't finished and my bedroom outer wall needs AT THE VERY LEAST to be replaced over the sliding glass door to the roof. 
IF Tracie's house that had no work done on it in over fifty years was sold as a fixer upper ( it still isn't that great )( quick , least expensive way to make it desirable for a re-sale.) The buyer remodeled only some of it.  I hope this house isn't torn down someday like so many around here have been. Since hubby bought this place....he spent many years improving the shack it was back then.  Right up til and even after he was first injured in 1984. He hired a young home remodeler from the neighborhood in 1991 to help him. Our kids grew up with Benny. Benny fell off a roof a few years before that and landed on his feet and shattered many bones in his feet. LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGG recovery time. :0(  Son Michael ran into him recently while four wheeling in NH.
Our bathroom and kitchen was his first job after recovering. Thought just crossed my mind....no wonder we could use a new tub.    1991 .....dayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam . The W.B. put in a new kitchen sink while we were in FL last year. The finish on my tub HAS HAD IT! I shit you not!

4:49 a.m. Taking myself to the kitchen to make another cuppa.....
Rising to stand....was not easy.  Painful...oh my!  Sat too longggggggggggggggggg.  Took Bugsy for a walk with me. He is all over the place ...using my body for a tree trunk. ;0)  Managed to get just one picture of him running down my leg. Lots of DELETES. Just shook the pill bottle containg pecan pieces and "that got his attention." ;0) Stopped running on his wheel and came right to me. YUM.

Won't be long now before we have a baby in the house. DAYS!!!!!!  It could be next Monday. I've forgotten how much time Sarah took off. Gavin was born December 17th.  Picked up a gate my last trip to Walmart to keep Cash out of Logan's bedroom during the day. He sees a baby blanket hanging over the porta crib or a stuffed toy...he'll have it. I shit you not! Got one of Logan's new socks the other day. It's been FILED!  Away in the trash of course. Five and a half more pairs to go. sighhhhhhhhhh
5:19 a.m. Must rise to VOID . 

In less than an hour Jill will be getting Logan up for school. While you never hear him....you do hear the shower water running. The bathroom is just outside my bedroom door on the opposite side of the wall of my closet.  Logan never complains about getting up for school. he's ONE IN A MILLION! :0)

Okay SELF.... let's give the bed....another shot. Shall we.

Welllllllllllll that was fun...to say the very least.  Tick, tick, tick and I hear the soft sounds of Lady's dog tags clicking as she entered my bedroom. She wanted out AGAIN! Back in bed I climb again. Tick, tick, tick. I watched 5:38 come....Dozed. Heard Jill get up at 6:06. Nodded off again. Sometime later, I heard Logan in the shower....squinted my eyes open and saw daylight was upon us.  Nodded off again and heard hubby get up to pee and the rustling of the plastic holding the dog cookies.
Hoped and prayed he'd go back to bed....fell back to sleep and had a nightmare. When I woke a few minutes after 8 , he was and still is asleep. :0)  Dreamt I was searching frantically all night long for Tracie and when I did see her she looked horrid and was in dire need of a depression pill and someone gave her one and she begged for another, which they put in her mouth.  I was fit to be tied from searching. Can even remember walking into one place...a bar?????????? and the old timers in there were turning to look at me as I searched all their faces looking for a familiar face and asking if anyone had seen Tracie. 
SHIT! I need to get a picture of her so that I can just....point to it.;0) I shit you not!
Have you seen THIS GIRL. 
Sheeesh....as if I wasn't  tired enough, I have to go on a Wild Goose Chase in my dreams.
Tracie Jean...I want to put you across my knees and paddle your behind!  

Logan is at this moment working on his past homework. Jill is taking him to school shortly. Late. He has not been officially released for full-time school, but he has been going the regular time and staying to the end of classes and riding the school bus home. Walks in the front door around 2 p.n.  As I mentioned...his doctor yesterday told him it's going to be awhile before he is his old self. His body fought a bad infection for a long time.

The only place I have to be is at the dog groomers with Lady at 4p.m. If Jill is around she usually takes her for me and then Ginger to get her nails done when it's time to pick Lady up.  When I go .... I step into the second hand place right next door and usually don't come out empty handed. 
Like I reallllllllllllllly need anything, BUT...............................

Bought my own Valentine present at Walmart Sunday. Not ONE, but TWO pair of earrings. Little crystals in them. $28 a piece. What a steal......hahahahaha!  I like them...that's what counts!

Goooooo Pats! Next year ;0)

Bugsy doesn't stay still long enough to take a picture. he's running down my pj leg.

As the comic Jeff Foxworthy says....theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze orrrrrrrrrrrrrr theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!

Much prettier and sparklier than the pictures.

I'll keep both! ;0)

Alright Already.... I'll spare your eyes from more dribble. ;0)  It's 8:36 a.m. Stomach is growling. Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

That's All Folks!

D D A little of This...a little of That

Gil has been texting the W.B. and trying to make his mom feel bad. Slept in a car last night. Only got n hours sleep. Didn't eat yesterday.  yadda yadda yadda
W.B. asked her if she would like to read his texts. NO!   He needs to meet me half way and admit to me he has done what he has done and come through the door on his knees, crying and tell me he is sorry, she said. And...has said to him before he left the door.
Yep, the old trying to blame everyone else, but take any responsibilty for his own actions. he told her yesterday he started to go down hill when Julie went away for two weeks to Ms and then she went to FL for two weeks at that same time.   I chuckle to myself here....he was twenty years old. I gave him money for gas, etc while she was gone. She left him with some money and asked me if he needed any to please help him out. She sent him $60 from FL when he pled poverty. Julie left him with a whole $25 for two weeks. He was living there with her at that time . He was told and KNEW that any time he needed to eat he could come here. BESIDES he was the one that refused to go to MS with Julie, Logan and Erzi. I remember that....wonder if she does.


She does and if you believe Julie and the EX SIL from Hell she /they left Gil $100.   In this case, I'm inclined to believe them.

Meanwhile back at " the farm ", I have my own baggage. ......................................................
Just going through the motions....................................

Sunday afternoon Tracie and I went to GoodTymes to eat lunch/brunch. It was three. Had the terayki chicken salad. Brought my own 2 tbls ( 2 Points ) of dressing. Then it was off to Walmart until six p.m.  Where the Hell does the time go.
While we were eating lunch, I told Tracie that for now.... the amount of days she comes here has to be cut back. It's hard.....she doesn't know what hubby has against her. Thought this...thought that. Nothing added up to the kind of outburst he had towards her she mused.  True....but that's hubby.
We come home.....she comes in while I locate the still unopened analog box I purchased a long while back and gave it to her.  With this....she can watch regular tv channels without getting cable. IF she can figure out how to hook it up. Instrutions are with it.  Within minutes of being home The Old Tom and Dee dee came to watch the game. Learned later that the W.B. ran into them earlier in the day and invited them.  Tracie knows our old drunken neighbors and her face got a hurt look. She said, " they can watch the game, but I can't? " Not in my bedroom, I said. Later I thought to myself....why didn't you let her stay and watch the game with the rest in the parlor/ ????????  Then I felt bad. sighhhhh
Sooooooooooooooo I'm in my bedroom listening to the Super Bowl Game at my P.C.  Goooooooooooooooooo Pats!!!!!!!

Hubby asked me to pick up tennis balls for his walker and he spent the entire first two quarters slicing the balls and making them fit on his walker.
Jill made calzones and he loved it. I ate my 7 Point large Wendys chili and 4 shrimps with cocktail sauce.
Now hubby is venturing out into the other room and I hear him talking to Tom and Dee Dee. Jill had told the W.B. to tell them before they came to NOT go in our bedroom.  They usually come in to say hi. Just being repectful, no harm, but hubby don't care for them and to be truthful...neither do I.
Tom is ON THE WAGON and is drinking O'Dools beer.  Has to get tested to stay working at this new job he has.  He does loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee his rum. Dee Dee favors vodka . I've never seen him sober. Maybe I should go out there and see what a sober Tom looks like.;0)


Game OVER!  No Shame!


That's All Folks!

D D Heavy hearted.

It's still Saturday and son Randy is under the house working.  While I was out in the kitchen fixing lunch and  folding laundry apparently ....the tv went off.  I sat to eat my sandwich and hubby commented on the tv being out and it was for a half hour and the same words were still up there. Looked up and saw the message the station wrote. Has this has happened in the past, I knew it was not the cable, but something in out home that made it go off. So I told hubby it was probably do to the fact that he disconnected something while he was working. He began riduculing me, calling me a nut case and the like. Sneering his words. Then he flip through the channels and each channel had different writing and he asked me sneeringly if Randy was writing all that stuff in the basement. He actually thought that someone had to be doing it and not the station if each channel had a different message. Each program was about a different subject. DUH!  Kept my COOL after much more ridicule and name calling and Randy finally came up from the basement. Hubby asked him if he was writing that stuff. What stuff?  He turned to look where hubby pointed.  I had to undo the cable wire cause something was wrapped around it and in doing so, I had to disconnect the cable wire.  It will be back on in a half hour when I'm done. Hubby: It was really you that shut the tv off.????  Randy....looking like for What in the name of Hell is going on...said not me.   Do I hear an "I'm sorry" from him or any kind of an apology???
Hell No! Not a word spoken. 


Jill at this very moment is evicting Gil.  
I caught him in my purse again today. Was cleaning it out on the table and left it for seconds to put receipts away and as soon as I headed back I saw him dart into his bedroom and looked at my purse and saw hubby's oxy bottle on top.  "What the Hell are you doing in my purse Gil," I exclaimed. he emerged to say he didn't take anything. I swear, nana. "Then why is the pill bottle there", I asked. "I only shook it, i didn't take any."  Didn't go further and ask why the F he even touched it. Told Jill when she came back from grocery shopping, but he was gone by then.  Then she took Logan to lunch with her. Came back, he's back.  Apparently from what I could hear as I was on the phone with a crying daughter , she was laying it all out to him about what he has been doing and I don't know if it's just recently or not, but she told him it was he that stole his brother's wallet and his $29 and all his Christmas Gift cards he saved and he was lower than low to steal from us. if his drugs were more impotant to him and he wouldn't get help or admit to it, he could leave now. Heard her say, that's not all of it. I'll help you pack. You are not breaking my heart anymore. I want nothing left here. Go live with your druggie friends. He left. Don't know if he called someone to get him or not.
My Cheryl called earlier. Actually she called a few days back to say that Shayla's dog Oreo was sick.
Today they realized it needed to see a vet and her husband Dana and Shayla went.  Last call was to tell me they think she is filled with puss as dogs get something??? when they never have babies and she needs xrays. Bill to that point will be $288.  Keep me posted, I told her.  Immediately Dana calls from the vet to tell me the same thing.  Told him if he still has the money I gave him ( as he/she still hasn't done what they need to do before the can register and insure their car...to use it for the dog.  Asked him to ask if they can save her.    
Sheesh...went it rains...IT POURS. I shit you not!

Just walked down to the kitchen to load the dryer and put another wash in. Glanced in Jill's room and saw Logan lying beside her trying to console her.  Heard just a few words ....don't worry mom, dad says that Julie is going to pick him up. He'll be alright....okay mom.
I asked him if he was upset about his money and he shook his head no. " You just care about your brother, right. He shook his head yes. Told the both of them to hub each other.   From my room I can still hear him talking to her.  He is soooooooooooooo wise for being just twelve.  sighhhhhhhhhhh

Minutes ago hubby spoke and said, "Guess we're going to miss the game."  I told him it's Saturday, the game is tomorrow.  Had to be an ass and add...or I'd be wearing my Patriots T shirt. 

On egde waiting for an update on Oreo.  Told Dana if he spent the money left over from buying two new tires...he needs to tell me.  .......................

Oreo has a hairline fracture in her hip. She has always had a bad hip ( like my Lady ) and she has been tumbling down a flight of stairs  from the bedrooms to the main floor. She was given a shot for pain and Dana was given other instructions. He used the last $300 he had on him to pay the bill and I heard him say to her that he prays he makes it to and from work as he left for work.  The had no heat for the past three days which meant that they had no hot water either. sighhhhhhhhhhhh

It's after six p.m.
Tracie came and immediately hubby started his shit. Told me I should move in with her. I told him I'd rather get my own apartment.  He threw more shit out at me and I told him if he wanted to throw out shit, let's start with what you have been doing with my daughter!
Then I turned and left the room as he began to sputter asking just what he supposedly  had done.
I was hoping to to get Tracie to leave on her own. Sat with her on the computer chairs in the parlor and occasionally I would say things like......I have unfinished business with hubby and I don't want to air my " Dirty Laundry."  If she got my gist, she didn't move. Told her I wasn't going out.   Just COULD NOT plain out ask her to leave.sighhhhhhhhhhhh   Was I putting off what i needed to say to hubby???? Quite Possibly!
After an hour or so , neither of us threee had eaten, so I nuked hubby leftover spaghetti ....he wanted to continue where we left off when I took him his plate and I kept saying , "Not now. Later." "Why not", he's saying and looking for all the world like he had no idea what anything I'd said was about.    Took approximately a cup of the container hubby's meal was in for myself and heated an entire container for Tracie's supper. She knew we had saved her a plate from dinner the other night as Jill had told her she could take her meal home where she and I were going out to eat.  We ate....I  would have liked MORE, but didn't need the POINTS ;0) . Ate my first cup of yogurt that Randy had given me a few days before. Loaded with sliced strawberries and blueberries. Damn...that shit is gooooooooooooood! I shit you not!  Where the Hell did that sour taste go that I remember from just having a teeny taste many moons ago?????
Wondering...what the W.W. Point Value would be in that.... as nothing is listed on the container.
A few other times I had to enter my/our bedroom and hubby would blurt out something. One time it was..."I've never had sex with Jill." To which I repled, " Nobody said that you did."
Don't know what hour Tracie left. Didn't look at the clock. Maybe somewhere near nine. 
As I was standing in front of the microwave nuking our food before I called Tracie out to the table, Jill told me she was going to talk to hubby first. Told me what she was going to say and what she would ask him for. An apology....to be honest with her and  with mom ( fess up ) and tell her what you have done and apologise to the both of us.  It is only then that we can begin to put this behind us and go forward. I want to keep our father daughter relationship. I have never led you on or have been sexual with you to make you do what you have done.  He had come out of the bedroom a few times while Tracie and I were in the parlor and gone to her bedroom. Asked her how much she told me. She told him...EVERYTHING . Mom knows EVERYTHING. What have I done....was some of his ????  The word to be used here escapes me. From what I NOW KNOW...he was trying to act STUPID!

Tracie left FINALLY....and as you know, I myself have complained about her being here every night TO YOU ......I need to work on setting boundaries with her. NOT BECAUSE hubby wants her here less often, but because to be honest.... I need that too. 

Went to Jill before I entered my bedroom and she told me she had her say. He denied remembering some of his words and actions . SOME he remembered. Agreed with her it was INAPPROPRIATE.
Asked her forgiveness and told her he doesn't know why he has done this and if it happens again to stop him right then and there. Much more was spoken..... only some of what she told me she said to him and he said to her is clear in my mind.  Before she left our bedroom she told him that as soon as I came into our bedroom to apologise to me right away. Begin there.

It wasn't many minutes that I sat at my P.C. before he spoke these words...I was inappropriate with Jill and I'm sorry. I don't know what i did that was inappropriate, but she said I was........
Then a discussion on my part ( spoken calmly ) began. He listened, he denied, he doesn't know why he did what he did, he has already been told he has Dementia so he sees no need to get tested for it, they will take him off his pain med and he will be in agony, told me in detail the pain he has suffered in the past when the hopsital doesn't give him any pain med. wants to wean himself off them , rather suffer with the pain he has as the pain is ten times worst when they stop giving him them. Much more , but my brain is not registering. He had no answers when I asked him how I was suppose to feel while caring for him, my breaking heart, etc. 
To be honest....I feel EMPTY.  LOST!  Have REGRETS that  I didn't face this sooner. I apologised to Jill for putting her in positions where she had to be alone with him. Even to taking him into Boston to the hospital, knowing that during the drive there things must have been unbearably awkward for her...fearing he could begin his filthy mouth during that ride. He didn't. BUT that doesn't make  her fear and apprhension  on those days any better.  She didn't speak it....I spoke about it to her and admitted that I had put her in an awkward position by letting her drive him there ALONE. Staying behind to clean our bedroom wasn't a good enough excuse. Sure...there has been some times that someone needed to be here to get Logan off to school or be here when he returned...but does that lessen my guilt.
She likewise has been trying to ration and reason with  his actions and how she has re-acted to them. Possibly...in my own words....for it to blow over. She questions herself as to of this happened because SHE reminds him of ME when I was younger . What could she have done differntly is another one she asks herself. We are both soul searching..................................Told her she has done nothing wrong. I know you believe me, she said. I affirmed to her that I DO!  

Her heart is raw with hurt over her son.
Today before the W.B. came at eight, I told her it was obvious that she loved Butchie. I love him she said, but I'm not IN LOVE with him. His anger and temper is hard to deal with along with everything else he does wrong. Told her she was just banging her head repeatedly against a wall after she told me a few more foolish things he did in the past few days. One of them buying two football game squares at the price of $100 a piece.  You want to end up unhappy like me, I asked her. No.
At the beginning of our conversation she told me something that she never told me that happened when she was six. I'm sick at heart. One one of his trips to her room last night he said, I never rubbed my penis in your face.   She never told me he did...so where did this come from.  There is no fucking way that what is occurring now is dementia !!!
He's been a nasty bastard from almost day one.  This is what she told me this morning.
He had her tie his robe. Tighter, tighter, he said and his fully erect penis popped out. She did not say he rubbed it on her face. It went without being spoken this morning after he spoke those words to her last night. HE REMEMBERED!
 She made the excuse for him to me that maybe it was because he was drunk.  To which I said ....that excuse don't fly with me. Know she was trying to soften the blow of what she just told me.
Now things are coming back to me that my Cheryl had spoken about in not much detail when she was in ANGER after hubby and her had words. There were insinuations, as she stormed out , but I attributed it to her anger. The two of them always clashed.  Might it have been from the same behavior he presented to Jill?????   I think I now know that answer!  Cheryl is three years older than Jill.
In recent years I have asked her what Cheryl has implied when she has said to me, ask Jill. I did and Jill would say she was too young to remember and Cheryl was telling her things that were suppose to have happened and it didn't. Yep....I listened to her and chalked things up to Cheryl being Cheryl.Always being quick to lash out if she was unhappy about something or someone.
Efffin Whine Bucket had to show up before we could talk more. 

I sit here....back to SQUARE ONE. Nothing resolved and more fuel added to the fire.
I need to take more responsibility for my own actions in not digging deeper years ago. How do I mend and mostly.... how do Jill and Cheryl.  I wore blinders when the Red Flags went up.
This is My Diary and for myself I must let my skeletons out of the closet.  Not for sympathy, pity,.....
I know that those that read my diary are here for me for support, but if the going ever gets too rough on you, please don't hesitate to wish me luck and say goodbye. Promise!!!   . You have let me know that you are here for me and from the bottom of my heart , I thank you. If this blog drags you down....please don't hesitate.
 Why have I stayed and how do I keep my sanity.....?????
Still soul searching.........................may never have an answer to placate myself.
I'm a big girl....strong in mind....I WILL SURVIVE ! Been there....done that...on two different Playing Fields.  ;0) 

Jill told me that apparently the EX SIL from Hell has been texting Gil every day ht epast month and asking him if he WAS READY. Apparently his wife Julie is ready to pick him up at take him to a rehab if HE IS READY. After Logan called his dad, he in turn  called or texted Gil and asked him that question again. Not tonight dad. Maybe tomorrow, was his reply back. Staying with a friend tonight.
If true that he really wants an intervention for his son, I am happy, but can't shake the feeling that it's just another one of his bullshit stories.

Chrys is here to cut our hair. Couldn't make it yesterday because she TIED ONE ON the night before.
Had to Pay The Piper. ;0)

Go Pats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's All Folks!