D D My hubby is laughing in his grave at me! I shit you not!

If I told you the kind of shit I've been doing....you wouldn't believe it , cause I still can't believe it myself.
I signed up on a dating site. NO SHIT!!!  Who woulda thunk it! Out of my mind you say. You may be right as rain. I shit you not!
SO...let me tell you about my date tonight.  We met at the 99 in my town. He lives the next town over.
OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He looks like he is ready for the grave and will be 75 this November 8th. My husband looked better in his casket!  I shit you not!  Hard of hearing ( I had to lean over half the table to hear him , which had my boobs almost into the potato skins and sour cream LMAO) , he had open heart surgery (quad bi pass ) Had a heart attack in a pool (no shit! ) his voice is all raspy, and,and,and. Lower teeth kept popping up....OMG,OMG,OMG. Soooooooo, he asks me if I'd like a drink and I asked him if he was having anything. The answer was no. So I had my usual diet soda and he ordered ice tea. The waitress asks us if we are ready to order and he says, I will have some potato skins.  She asked if he wanted the free popcorn and he did.  So we chat.....he nearly chokes to death on almost every bite of his potato skins.....damn...it's been too many years since I took CPR.  OMG! OMG1 OMG! I discreetly turned my eyes away from the scene in front of me to avoid the drool coming from the side of his mouth. Again the waitress wants to take our order and he looks at me and asks if I am hungry. From the tone he used and the look in his face I knew he wasn't. SO...me being nice says ,"are you?' He said no and I said "me neither." I could see the look of relief on his face. ;0) You should have seen the people waiting for seats when we walked out the door at 6:05 p.m. I'm hoping the lady that waited on us had a better night. :0)
He wants to take me to Castle Island to walk around where as I've never been there. It's a quiet place he says. UT UH.....I don't think so.  But of course...I wasn't rude.There will be no day that I can clear my calender. I shit you not!  His profile said he exercises many times a week. YEAH...in the fucking pool where he lives. Those 2 well educated sons he named...one he has supported for the past 5 years so that he could keep his house as he lost his job. He told me his car needs repairs, but he can't afford it after helping his son out. He goes to the Kennedy Library...to walk around. It's quiet there, he says. Asked me if I'd ever been. That...would be a NO. Before we parted, I remarked that his profile said that he was looking for an educated woman...( it was he that sought me out )??? which baffled me. My profile says I got my GED.... To tell you the truth he says with a twinkle in his eyes, I didn't finish college.  He's looking me up and down at my car saying, "nine kids, huh. Wow!"
I'm repeating myself here, BUT...his profile said that he exercized 5 times a week. Football,swimming,hockey were his exercize. HUH!  I'll give him the "swimming", but the other two...in his DREAMS or YOUTH!
NOW....if you all know anything about me....it's the fact that I don't like to hurt peoples feelings. That's just who I am.  I figured a night out of the house, conversation ....what can it hurt...I'm lonely too...what the hell!
One hour later I am in my car driving home ( YES ALONE ;0) ) and yelling at my hubby to stop laughing his ass off at me. I SWEAR I COULD HEAR HIM...he wished it on me. ;0)
OH and if you are wondering what we ate for supper ( mind you this was 5 to 6 p.m.) ZIP,ZILCH,NADDA....the fucking potato skins were it. Check came to $14.01 and he gave the waitress a $2 tip. Wham, bam, thank you maam. :0) I had put a $20 in my pocket and was going to ask him if he would be insulted if I paid for my own meal this first time. Didn't have to....omg,omg,omg.
Oh Boy...he's going to be calling me. OMG,OMG,OMG.  BINGO...maybe I can fix him up with Tracie. LMAO!!!
Now...I know how it is to feel lonely and want conversation, but ............ I can't do it again.
Not with Don anyway.
Am seeing an 80 year old Monday.  LOOK! My friend Pea will vouch for me that I am DAFFY.SHE gave me that nickname...she calls me that in a nice way... I might add. ;0)   I'll be sure and tell you all about my date Monday.  HE is taking me to the Hilltop in Saugus and if you know this area...it's NO 99 restaurant. I've been there a few times moons ago with hubby. I always got full on the huge salad and nice bread. If Ed is like Don...at least I'll be full. ;0)
Hubby will be dead 3 weeks tomorrow and I'm going hoopey. I want out of this house so bad. Even if there was no craziness, I feel that I still would need to go beyond these walls.
Away,away, I'm going away...with the men in the little white coats. la,la,la,  la la

I am getting hit on by men all over the USA. I like the one that says he is in CA, but lives in a motorhome and could come here. Yeah right! No thank you. Then there is a nice looking 71 year old about a two hour drive away and this guy (Chris) knows all the right things and words to say. I've turned him down, but he is still trying to get me to change my mind. He wants to make passionate love to me. Shit, I haven't got laid in years.....should I date him? LOL I said I was DAFFY, acually, I'm daffy and horny, but..... NOT INSANE! ;0)

Ladies...I hope you won't think less of me...when you read this in the morning. ;0)
 Regrets, I'll have a few. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to pee before I go to bed before I piss the bed LAUGHING myself to sleep.
 Psssssssssssssst! I do kiss and tell. I shit you not!
(((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D Which road to take?

Found myself going home from getting my oil changed where I could either bear right or left ( both takes me home and are close together like a pie shape ), but I chose to go to the left of the fork with my heart ( some damned big lump anyway)  in my throat and go by the cemetary. STILL after standing at his grave I could not let myself wail like I feel the need to. Maybe I just want to continue punishing myself. Ya think....Damn,damn,damn.

Was invited out to eat Chinese food last night with son #2, his wife and their two small grands. The food was good. The kids are cute and smart. Ryu who will be five August 30th counted to one hundred.
I told him which number I was. Quite matter of factly he said...when you get to one hundred you will be dead. ;0) I remember Logan( age 13 now)  saying to papa (hubby) after seeing the numbers on his 69th birthday cake with alarm in his voice, "papa....you're almost dead." Out of the mouths of babes.

Last night there was another drama from Hell played out here. Jill found Gil passed out with a needle beside him on the floor in bed. Long story short...she called her ex, who rushed here ( heard him say speeds up to 100mph ) to deal with him. I stayed in my bedroom. While I could hear some of the yelling and concern in the ex SIL's voice for his son, ( which by the way amazed me ), there was nothing I could do...EXCEPT WORRY , which of course I did. I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT, but SHIT waits for no one. Craziness,craziness,craziness.  YEAH.... I'm bullshit at hubby cause he doesn't hear and see any of this crazy anymore, while I have to keep experiencing pain and hurt and all the other upsets and shit that a living human being goes through. I could still hear voices talking at midnight, but sleep overtook me. AMEN!  Crisis is over for now, but we all pretty well know that there will be a next time with maybe not so good results. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D More bad days, but why bore you with that

It is what it is.   I feel numb for the most part.... afraid of what lies ahead for me.... wondering if I will ever feel alive again.
Went for my lazer surgery yesterday and every couple I saw holding hands there, made me long for that same thing and the tears would rise.
Today I have an appointment to get my oil changed. It's way past due. Have over five thousand miles on my new car, but I had no time before to get it done. Now that I do...I want my traveling back and forth to Boston back. SCREW THE CAR!  Can't be, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it was like it was a month ago and the months and years before that.
Still have life insurance papers to fill out. One day at a time.
Have other paperwork to complete as well........IN TIME.
As for the cards sent and given at his funeral....they still lie unopen. Can't bring myself to do it yet. In time...in time....
Thank you all who knew my address for your cards of sympathy.
I've been making my bed. All these fucking years that I wished I could make my bed and have it stay made for a few hours, have come and I HATE IT now.  Be careful what you wish for in the future Pat.

While I wallow in my own sorrow, I know you all have your heartaches and troubles. Most of us living have them. Doesn't make it any easier for any of us, does it. 
Can you die of a broken heart? If my B/P yesterday was any indication, I'd say no. 115/57 , but I sure feel dead inside.  One day at a time...I go. (((hugs)))Pat

That's All Folks!

D D Bad day

Suspect there will be many more.
No shower.
Daughter Cheryl and hubby and family returned for the cookout that the rain ruined the day before.
Life goes on... while I rather hole up somewhere by myself.
Had Jill retrieve a hundred dollar bill from my purse in my car Sunday to buy a new propane tank and fill another. (Doesn't everyone keep their purse and money in their car trunk?
Whatever.....
Left my change on the set up ironing board in my bedroom and made the BIG MISTAKE of going out onto the deck to eat a hamburger last night.  YEP, my change is amongst the missing. Jill and I both know it was her son Gil that took it. He was the only one inside when I went out. He was confronted and denied,denied,denied. Jill did some snooping in the neighborhood where he goes and found out he paid money he owed to someone last night. STILL he denies.  I lashed out at him about him stealing his papa's pain meds and how I thought I was giving him (papa) his scheduled pain meds and I WASN'T and it kills me that he accused me of not giving him his pain meds and HE WAS RIGHT.
All that extra suffering...............................

I gave Butchie money two days before at his and Jill's suggestion that I needed a door on my bedroom that locks ......why the fuck isn't the pocket door that doesn't lock any good any more. It's what hubby and I lived with for years and it was good enough for us two. Why do I have to change things in MY HOUSE??? Where is this all going to end???

I have a regular scheduled appointment ( sheduled months ago )  with my primary today. I NEED SOME STRONG MEDS!!! I shit you not!

Tracie came and ate with us. Tracie STAYED. Just before my Cheryl left she tried to tell Tracie that sometimes I needed to be left alone. Heard her say "your mom and I are cool." sighhhhhh She thinks she is doing right. ??????????
Again... I fell asleep on her.  I'm now resenting her for taking me out at night. I could have had that extra time with hubby. I know it's stupid thinking, but can't help my thoughts.
It's like God punished me for leaving him and thinking only of myself. STUPID, but that's where my thought pattern is!

Can't write here without crying.
(((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D A funny thing happened on the way to the opera. ;0)

This 80 year old gentleman I spoke of called to say... he left his keys up on my car roof ( did I see them)  along with his umbrella...picked up his umbrella and forgot his keys. I DROVE OFF WITH THEM...unknowingly.
He walked 6.5 miles home to get his second set and when he couldn't get a cab...he walked 6.5 miles back to his car. Needless to say...he didn't do the 5K race Sunday morning.
I won't even tell you of my ride after dark home, except to say that I ended up turning onto a road on the wrong side of the road and had to go over a median to get to where I should be out of harms way.
Lighting was very poor.
Long story short, grandson Ryan went out to my car later Sunday evening to retrieve my laptop from my trunk ( he told me the temperature was too hot to leave it in my car ) and found a set of keys wedged between my rear window and car trunk.
Tracie drove me to meet him where he was enjoying karaoke and he drove me home later. I did enjoy myself SOME, but being in a bar is not my bag. Although I did enjoy the companionship, I don't see us seeing each other again.  He is filling his off hours with getting out to eat every night and then eith karaoke or trivia places. Different bars have different days. It works for him...., but I am more laid back. Give me ...dining out now and then, holding hands, a walk, more one on one. In our younger days, hubby and I would go out to dance most every weekend, then it was once in awhile and then...he could no longer dance. It evolved into enjoying simpler things. Just watching the birds outside our bedroom window. Me constantly filling the feeders and cleaning up the seed. NOW I find myself neglecting to go out and fill the feeders. Not as enjoyable watching birds by yourself. Is anything enjoyable doing by yourself after you have known the other?
I have so many issues here at home. With the house...my kids. Now the damned pool pump needs to be worked on as the handle that you pump to prime the pump is just hanging. No pressure. sighhh
Had a houseful yesterday...it's pool weather for sure. Had to spring for propane. Facing living on one fifth of what I had coming in each month is worrisome. Began this morning feeling real sorry for myself. THIS HAS TO get better???   ????? No hubby to draw strength from to go on in life. My heart is breaking. Questioning myself to if...I want to go on alone. What's the purpose. What's my purpose in life now. That kind of crazy crap. Not enjoying anything. Forcing myself to eat. Just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to death. Always someone in the house and just the sounds of everyday life is annoying. Worrying what is to become of everyone when I go and what I have done to make them not as independant as I'd like them to be. I have way too many possessions and for the life of me, I don't know how or where to downsize. Asking myself if more order in my life would be THE ANSWER. Doubt it. The electrician never came this weekend. Jill's bedroom is still in limbo. Chaos,chaos,chaos.
Missing my kiss goodnight more than I ever imagined. (((hugs)))

That's All Folks!

D D SO son in FL...how's this for finding new interests???

Went out to dinner with a nice man last night.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I didn't meet him on a dating site. Not that I haven't looked.
Long story short....daughter Cheryl's husband Dana works at an upscale restaurant /bar and apparently this nice man that eats there regularly, offerered Dana his condolances on his father in laws death. Told him he is a recent widower and if I would like.... he would love to meet me.
Folks.....he's 80 and puts me to shame. I shit you not!
Is running a 5K race today beginning at 8:30a.m. and runs and completes the Boston Marathon.
When he asked me how many kids I had, I didn't even hesitate. Nine I said . He smiled and said, "really" and kept that smile on his face awhile longer.
He has two ....a son is a doctor and his daughter runs alot of his business. A small business, but one that people of all ages enjoy daily. I've never been there, but intend to. Some of my grands have.
 
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you aren't going to se me running any races .... but since his wife passed away you might see me doing a few of the things he has learned to enjoy, (that new interest thingie )... singing  karaoke right up there with him or playing Trivia. He needs more people on his team. ALL THREE ACTIVITIES are out of my comfort range. Maybe, just maybe I'll start with Trivia orrrrrrrrrrr listen to him and others do the karaoke thing.  I shit you not!
BTW...he was a perfect gentleman. (((hugs))) goodbye only.  I'd be lying if I didn't say that they felt good. There is something to be said about a (((HUG))), I shit you not!

Then home to reality. Daughter Jill had gone out a few hours and while she did come home not fully intoxicated ( as promised) , she made herself drinks in a red solo cup and it was midnight before I heard no activity from her. Grandson Gil ....was stoned. 

I got the book that I ordered yesterday on the Five Stages Of Grief.  ONLY read the first page.  Still mulling over the last sentence that I read. "She is no longer confined to a room,a bed, and a body that no longer works." In my case....HE. 
Can't think of him without tears coming to me eyes. He suffered so damned much. TOO damned much! Far too long.
(((hugs)))

That's All Folks!