I didn't.
Son Randy asked me if I had captured grandson Gil on the hidden camera. I explained to him that the camera was at the other end of the house and I confided in him AS TO WHY.
The tone of his voice was incredoulous. Ma...didn't uou know that oxy is MOST WANTED on the street for EXACTLY the behavior hubby has been exhibiting. It increases your desire, the length of time you can maintain an erection, you get an overpowering need for sex, a rip roaring hard on, blah,blah, best sex, best climax, blah,blah,blah.
Did you know????? I didn't !
He tells me there is another drug that counteracts the effects of oxycodone.
Come this Tuesday, I need to try to reach and talk privately with his primary doctor, the one that leaves me in tears. I am apprehensive as to what ...he will tell me or do for me. No matter what...I have to ask for his help. The thought just entered my mind...what if he too has never heard of this! He's around my age, I THINK.
For the rest of this month, I have no idea how I am going to ration hubby his pain meds. :0( No doubt about it, I HAVE TO CUT HIM BACK! Maybe he will have a few less HARD ONS, Yeah, I can still make a funny haha even though I feel like I am crying on the inside.
Jill missed the post office hours for mailing that test package off and tomorrow is a holiday. It will have to be Tuesday. Until the lab confirms it. Proof POSITIVE ....hell we both know he took the oxy whether he USED or not! It sure looked to our layman's eyes that he tested POS for oxy. No heroin. Don't know whether that should make me happy. At present I am only thinking of my own situation.
Don't know how she pulled it off, but she told me she was shutting the bathroom water valves off and watched and waited for him to use the toilet...then sprang into action.
I could hear her talking to Butch when I made my way to the coffee pot this morning; telling him about missing xbox videos of Logans ....................that's all I caught from her and him I heard say , he wil continue tol do anything it takes to get a fix.
Last night she went to her son Ryans with Logan ( Gil didn't want to go) to see the baby and watch the football game. They arrived back home just before eleven. Gil was in bed sleeping. We had a chance to exchange a few words and I asked her what she intends to do about her son Gil. She asked if we could talk today.
At this same time, I told her what Randy told me. After hearing what I had to tell her, she asked "why me though?" " Why doesn't he go to you?" She is CORRECT! Why her and NOT ME!
Granted he has some serious brain damage from previous brain bleeds, BUT THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR! I MAKE NO EXCUSES FOR HIM! I shit you not!
Jill was five when hubby and I met. Her father along with his own alcoholic issues took off back to mommy and daddy in Texas. Hubby was the only father figure she knew. NONE of my other children call him dad, even though they too did not know their own father. SHE CALLS HIM DAD and refers to him when sheis talking to others as MY DAD. Ex #1 got a medical discharge from the Navy and headed back to Arkansas to his mother and step father that raised him, at age 27 Ex #2 was around 31 Mommy and daddy convinced him to come home to them and care for them in their old age as he was always told BY THEM it was his lot in life. How many times did I hear from them that he should never have married. Too many!
I have tried and felt I succeeded in putting the first time she made me aware of what he was doing behind me. What kind of a mother does that make me!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We confronted him and he apologized back then. Not that it made it right. She and I both have tried to move forward and not hold any anymosity towards him. He hurts or needs help in anyway , we tend to his needs and I for one can say....I have not had the UGLY in my head in those occasions. HE IS ROBBING THE BOTH OF US of OUR RESPECT FOR HIM! THE BASTARD!
Hubby did not wake during the night asking for pain med....and I did not wake him to offer them.
I have been giving him one pain pill along with one 325 mg Tylenol with Acetaminophen. That's what was recommeneded by his doctor to use between the 2 oxy's every six hours and he refused to take the Tylenol,saying it wouldn't help him. He would not take the Tylenol. In my mind I said...then suffer! I'd grab at anything to rid myself of the pains I am having. When asked by the front desk C.A. after my adjsutment and T.P.Therapy on Friday, what days and times I wanted to come next week, I made the appointments and told her I'd be there WITH BELLS ON! Whatever it takes to rid myself of THIS PAIN...I WILL DO!
Thinking....wouldn't this be something if hubby's pain is controlled with one less oxy with one Tylenol. Meaning taking just four oxys a day, NOT 8. Wouldn't it be even better if his nasty/UNACCEPTABLE sexual behavior also came to an end ...in doing so.
I hold out hope.......................................................
My mind needs a rest. At present I'm just trying to find answers within myself that I can live with. Here I am...feeling guilty for my bitchiness at times and wanting no easy way out ( such as him passing away ) . Sure...my life MIGHT be easier, BUT I would have the BIGGEST Guilt Trip if I didn't provide the same care I have been giving him. Putting him in a rest home would hasten his death and I CAN'T DO THAT!Even his latest nasty/UNFORGIVABLE behavior makes me still not do what is best for him. WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME? AS SICK IN MIND AS HE IS???
Nothing is clear in my mind. NOTHING! I am cringing in disgust at myself !
Jill just informed me that we have no hot water. She will be going down into that dungeon of a cellar in awhile. She needs to teach Butch what she has learned these past twelve years on how to fix a waterless hot water heater. Hope we don't need to call and order new parts again by next day AIR. Oh Hell, we have lived through it before. Just heat water on the stove for the dishes and screw taking a shower for a day or two.
It's 4 degrees out! brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
....and how about that football game last night!
Today, January 15th is/was my mothers birthday. 1/15/18. It is also the date that my sister Nancy died twenty years ago. Miss em.
Getting myself all choked up. Time to take my leave.
THX for all your hugs..... from those (((hugs))) I gain strength.... And go on... I WILL!
Don't worry about me. Talking this all out provides the outlet I need.
Important update. Logan's step mom took him to a doctor Friday and a blood test revealed that he has infected glands in his neck and he is now on meds. This is COMMON we were told.
New to me, but I'll accept it. Live and Learn.
That's All Folks!
I AM WOMAN! Hear me ROAR! February 2012
WARNING !! Not for those with a short attention span. ; 0 )
Take some quiet time today to celebrate the good memories of your mom. Tell everyone you need some time to yourself, go lock yourself in a room, light a candle, and remember your mom.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I counsel drug addicts every day, and yes, oxycontin is one of the most wanted drugs on the street, but not because it increases sexual desires. In fact, it actually DECREASES desire as any narcotic does. It also can cause impotence. All opioids (narcotics) can reduce you sex drive.
By all means, talk to your doctor, but at hubby's age and other things he has been doing, I tend to think it is dementia.
Mary
I'm with Mary and she has a lot more experience...but i goggled oxy and sexual side effects and decreased desire is what they mention...i would still talk to the Dr though. And you said he did it before, so i don't know what to tell you :( but dementia could be the cause. I had an acquaintance that worked in a old age home and she told me some stories :O Good luck with it all ♥
ReplyDeleteBig hugs about your Mom and Sister ♥♥♥ and i can understand your feelings about him :(...nothing is ever black and white.
ReplyDeleteI have taken Oxycontin. Twice, for post surgery pain. One time 20 doses, the other time, 40. All it did to me (besides the obvious high/pain relief) was make me constipated. BADLY.
ReplyDeleteI think, too, that you need to take some time to remember the people you lost and a few moments to just... love them and be grateful you had them in your life.
(((hugs)))
Yes, blogging is so therapeutic isn't it? Just writing it all down helps get it a bit straighter in our head.
ReplyDeleteI really think you're doing the best you can with what you have and that is all any of us can do.
I had no idea. I actually thought it was the opposite result. :( I'd talk to the doctor... and keep blogging.
ReplyDeleteLord knows it's the only way I stay sane now a days.
I don't think it's supposed to increase desire either...I think something else is going on..hugs to you sweet girl...chin up tits out
ReplyDeleteAll these feelings your having, the good,bad and emotional are normal, human feelings. Your stressed out, missing your mom and sister, have way to much on your plate. It's a wonder your still standing. Sometimes the hardest thing is to do nothing.You can't fix everything right this second, wait til you go to the Doctor and talk to him, maybe make an appointment without hubby there. Take some time for yourself today(hide in a closet if you have to)morn your mom and sister,and also let yourself cry over whats happened with your husband, weather its being caused by the drugs or dementia(or whatever)it still hurts, it still breaking your heart,your soul aches. Take some time to baby yourself, or go in the shower and cry. Your a strong amazing woman you'll get through this, you have all of us who love you and you can lean on us. Sending you the worlds biggest hug and blessings.
ReplyDelete