It will be so hard to see him laid out. So very hard. I don't want to, but know I must.
I keep getting pissed at him for not wanting to live. I'm angry at times and at other times...not so much. Recently I heard someone ...a nurse or doctor say after they saw his significant weight loss in a year that he had Failure To Thrive. I've heard of Failure To Thrive in babies, but not adults.
Maybe it was the VRE in his bladder that he sucuumbed to...maybe his bladder was tired after all his UTI's and weakened /diseased from the urine retention. Maybe,maybe,maybes.... YOU JUST CAN'T SAY " I WANT TO DIE " and do it!
Looking back, I can see that I knew that this day was coming....and soon, but I denied it. I have so much guilt! I could have made his last days better. YET, I acted like we had forever. Like...each day was just another day, like many others. I wish I had the chance to do it all over again...and make it better for us. I would if I could.
Just staying poised to bid on an AirForce dress uniform at the last minute at 11:15 p.m. back in May, so I could have it to lay him out in, tells me I knew. Buying the rest of the uniform, his medals. YET...I still didn't see it. As I lay in bed this morning I thought....he always told people he was the middle of nine. It came to me that he is also the middle of nine to pass away. Last night it came to me that his younger brother Jimmy also passed away on the 23rd of the month. That date was Nov.23, 1977 and he was buried on the 26th; my husband's birthday.
My Randy's birthday was yesterday, the 24th. He turned 55
(((hugs)))to you all for your kind expressions
That's All Folks!
I AM WOMAN! Hear me ROAR! February 2012
WARNING !! Not for those with a short attention span. ; 0 )
Daf,
ReplyDeleteGet that word guilty out of your head. Like I said, remember the good times. I know what you are going thru now...did it myself with AJ. No doubt you loved Mike and you did all you could for him. Praying you find some solace in the fact that we all love you and are praying for you and your family.
Pea
At the end of the day, a life, month... we all just did the best we could.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important for you to know that... you did the best you could. You kept him with you at home long past when most people would no longer have been able to tolerate everything.
You have so many family members with huge problems leaching off you and not treating you with the respect you deserve.
Yet you kept focused on taking care of your husband.
Your best? I think you did better than that.
(((hugs)))
It must be so hard on you. You were a good wife to your husband and you did do everything you could for him. Hang in there. You will get through this.
ReplyDeleteI agree with jmms38 and ami. And tell that little voice inside you to shut up because you kept him home a long time past when he should have been in a nursing home. You did it out of love and concern for him. I am in awe of you. Peace and Blssings to you.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs Pat...i know how hard it is. I hope that wherever they go they know we love them, that we tried, that we are only human and that we miss them. Sending my love.
ReplyDeleteI understand you feel quilt, but you have nothing at all to feel quilt over! You took good care of him, you loved him with all your heart.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved too Pat ((HUGS))
My friend, do not feel guilty. You did the best you could. You stuck by him and took care of him no matter what. No one could have done more. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteMary
I have been thinking about you so much and wondering how you're coping. No matter how much you saw it coming, it's still a shock of course, that is natural, and so are the feelings of guilt, all part of the grieving process, although misplaced in your case.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration to us all, you went above and beyond what is expected of anyone Pat, and no matter how his brain was working at the end, Mike knew that.
Take comfort from those who love you.
Big hugs from me.
Foxy said it well, and I agree I never would have lasted like you did when he was cruel to you in words and action. You are an inspiration as Foxy said!! We all love ya kid, and were there in spirit as you go through this, Hugs, Pearl
ReplyDeleteI have visions of him riding around with the Goddess in her chariot, yelling at her 'faster, faster.'..love u..jac
ReplyDeleteYou did all you could and were a good wife to him. There is no need and no point to feeling guilty. As a volunteer with hospice, I work with survivors and can tell you that you may feel all kinds of emotions in this coming year, all of them normal. Please consider getting some support for yourself. Look into a spouse support group at your local hospice after the immediate concerns are dealt with. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYour guilt feelings are normal. I had them after I lost my daughter, still do to a lesser degree. Move past them. Loss is not something you "get over", but in time you "move on". You are a wonderful person, focus on that and the good times.
ReplyDelete