Home ALONE, so why do I feel so shitty.

Truth be told...I DO care about and for Ed!  Love him with all my heart??????????
No man has treated me as good. I shit you not!
Is there better out there for me?????????????????????????????  
What it comes down to is...................... is looking at myself in the mirror and liking what I see, worth it. 
I want IT ALL!  Is it possible????????????????????????????????????????
Pausing  and giving myself Food For Thought here.
Loved my husbands with all my heart and what did it get me but pain and sorrow.
Love isn't suppose to hurt, but by damn it does in one way or another! I shit you not!
Ed is a good man. He has bared his soul to me about how he took his wife for granted and wishes with all his heart that he did for her what he does for me. He loved her. He just took her for granted and didn't know that there was another way until he heard me speak from my heart what I wanted from a man.  They always kissed goodnight and goodbye, but it's the words and caresses and attention that he gives me that he wishes he would have done differently.  Don't WE ALL!  Regrets, I have more than a few. Oh, I DO, I DO! I shit you not!
I lacked self esteem or some other important missing ingredient. Never wanted to "make waves", for fear of ???????????????? 
What I learned from all this hurt suffered from a tongue " once words are spoken they can never be taken back", so when the F word and other hateful words flew in my direction, I internalized the pain it gave me  and TOOK IT! Didn't deserve it, but Took It just the same. No one deserves it!
Ed has never used a vulgar word, towards me or around me. So what's wrong here????????
He selects and sends beautiful prose/ ? from Pinterest and adds his own words to them... often.
He verbally tells me he loves me....often. I believe he does. He shows it in many ways.
It's me that doesn't love as deeply. Too scared of being hurt again.....the old TRUST ISSUE.
In part, it might be because it was too soon after the death of my husband. In my heart of hearts I feel it is. I do miss him...very much and the life we had together. It was "my life." Now...nothing is the same and I feel lost and abandoned. Even being in this house is painful.
I  WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK!
Finding it hard to move on, but move on I MUST!  Somehow.....................

NOW, I want WHAT I WANT, even if it means cutting my nose off to spite my face....and that's NOT GOOD, nor is IT BAD.
It was a week or so ago that I told Ed that I wanted to spend some week days at my house. I felt the urge/need to work in my yard ( I always took such pride in my flower beds and garden until the last two years before my hubby died ) and I love getting into the dirt. Not so much the next day when my bones are screaming in pain from using muscles that haven't been used in months.  It feels like my ass has been hit with a 2x4 when I sit on the toilet after a day of gardening. :0(
I felt the need to be amongst "my things."
I'm getting ahead of myself here. I know this is playing heavy on Ed's mind. We have been TOGETHER for nine months and then THIS! It's like 'what did I do", "what have I done".
Yes, he too has self esteem problems. His E.D. makes him very, very insecure. I can't empathize that enough.  No matter how many times I tell him that it doesn't matter. It MATTERS to HIM,  a man.
 I fully understand that. Being able to have an erection is ...........................................?????????????????  Can't find the word to use here. A man wouldn't have a problem finding the right word.
So...I know why /how/where Ed's mind has been working. It's been working on over-time. he thinks this is the beginning of the end. It may be. I don't want it to be. Right now I need to feed my inner being with my things some of the time.

Sharing my life with someone makes my life so much better, but sometimes alone time is needed too.
At this time...we are not separating for good. My spending time alone at my house may divide us or make us stronger. Time will tell.............................
I'll try not to worry about him. He can do most things for himself as well if not better than I can. I do miss being with him and like he, I feel a part of me is missing.
He emailed me this morning that he has gone back to the campgrounds. It's raining up there and he knows how much I love hearing the rain on the roof and wishes I was there to hear it with him. Me too!

Last night I was seriously questioning myself about my choice to be home.
Jill went out in the evening after spending most of her day in her room behind closed doors, resting/sleeping/watching tv/ being on the phone???? Said she was going grocery shopping. Came home with no groceries. I can assume that she went to the VFW to drink and watch the Bruins hockey game as she was not without booze in her. Not falling down drunk, but had more than a few.
Sat on my bed with me.......................for far too long. My heart was breaking while listening to her.
At some time in our conversation she said she hadn't drank in a few weeks............... NOT SO!
THIS after her son Gil told me during her absence that she has been drunk  and drunker than drunk more than a few times this past week. Came home and made herself a meal one of those nights around midnight. Fell asleep with her plate of food on her chest and it crashed to the floor and broke. He went in her room and the steak knife was pointed up at her chest, resting on her lower stomach and he hesitated for a second as to , should he take a picture to show her later or grab the knife away before shit happened. He opted for removing the knife and picked up the broken plate and food.
He went with her to one of her sessions at her councilors request and told me her councilor asked her not to drink for a week. She told her she didn't want to do that. She wasn't ready to do that. She was asked when she would be ready and her answer was, she didn't know, but not now. He was quick to admit he too has an addiction and knows from where she speaks.
As we laid side by side, she asked me about my Will. Did I make a new Will out. Truthfully I told her that I did. She asked what I did about the house and I truthfully answered her. House gets sold and divided 9 ways between her and her siblings. The tears/the begging to reconsider began. She can't stand to have anyone else live here, her memories all are here, she will be kicked out and have no place to live, what if I died today ...where could she take 3 dogs. All valid concerns. I kept telling her that I have 9 kids and even though most of them have their own homes and don't NEED the money, it's the right thing for me to do. Asked her how she could afford the taxes, etc. Her answer was she would find a way...get two jobs if necessary. I told her I have taken care of her for many years ( 13 years this last time) and I've done her no favors by supplying her with her every need. Oh so true and I cringe when I read this sentence back as I have made her an emotional cripple and I thought I was just showing her LOVE.
My heart aches for what I have done/allowed to happen. Never in my wildest dreams did I think down the road at what it has become by not making her stand on her own two feet. . I ruined her life in the name of "love."
With a heavy heart and tears for lost years and missing my hubby and missing Ed, I fell asleep after ten.

Ed is probably wondering why I haven't called him or emailed him back. He was up at 4:30 a.m. and it's going on 9 a.m.
I've let two cups of coffee go cold writing this. It seems important at the time for me to write what's on my mind and in my heart.
Yesterday I tackled the back shed. Didn't get much done and only parted with a few items. Things look and seem INSERMOUNTABLE. I shit you not! ALL the flower beds are FULL OF WEEDS. So FULL that nature has all but claimed it. :0(

It's to where I need to take as pitchfork and dig the flowers and plants up before I tackle the weeds.
Ed has wanted to help, but his way of helping is to have me keep my hands clean and my bones rested  while he does the work and quite frankly it's not the same. Call me a FOOL.
The inside of my house needs WORK TOO!
Where once Jill took pride in her surroundings......that has changed. Any addiction magnifies depression. :0(
Have I shared with you that Ed was/IS an alcoholic?  He has been sober for over 25 years. The day he decided he needed to change his life and went to AA and heard some say they had been sober for a week, let alone a month or year, he asked himself, "how did they do it."  I am pleased and proud of him. Pleased that he trusted me to confide in me and proud that he admits he is an alcoholic and always will be. He says and it's true that he is one drink away from being back to where he was and knows he never wants to be that person again. He will never touch booze again.   Life is so much better without the booze he thought he needed in his life. His choice was beer. It's still BOOZE.
Someday I hope we will attend a meeting. I think it may/he may...be an inspiration to someone that needs to hear his words. I am an alcoholic and I have been sober.....years. He knows the years and days like it was yesterday, while I have forgotten them. He still keeps his 1 week sober and all the others given to him during that process in a dresser drawer. As a reminder of where he came from???
Whatever...it's ALL GOOD.
This gives me pause to reflect on what I am all about NOW. In this stage of my life, I want to like myself.
Will it cost me the love of a good man. I hope not.
None of us are perfect, nor are we always right. It's just what we are willing to give up of ourselves.
Ed feels he is giving up some of what he is all about in submitting to my will. He is. It's up to him to decide if what we have together is worth it. Same with myself. This /our relationship is worth working on. I shit you not!

I'd like Monday, Tuesday and Wednesdays home.
I am much happier when I am at Ed's. I am able to forget for awhile what's happening at home and also, the sad memories that overcome me when I am here . I know that you can't run away from your problems, but damn ....

Ed just called. It's all good. His night was rough too, but he is adjusting to being apart and feels some better today. Same here.

To all of you that Commented, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
It's ALL GOOD! I shit you not! 
Life is a continuing  journey and even at age 76, I am still finding my way. It's just in the Name of The Game. No matter how long you live, you have something to learn and some of life's lessons hurt like Hell. When my thoughts lean this way, I think of all those that have so much more of a Cross To Bear and how fortunate I am to have all my children at my age. I'm humbled and ashamed that I complain about what life has dealt me.
On that note, I will take my leave and put on a happy face and go about my day. Why not!  I have much to be thankful for. I shit you not!      I AM ALIVE to continue "My Journey!!!
Thank you Lord/Budda/whom ever gave us life and all the beautiful living things and beauty in each and every day we are alive.

(((hugs)))

That's All Folks!