Hubby was in agony from the time I steppped inside his room at the nursing home yesterday at 8 a.m. til just before I left the V.A.Hospital last night at ten thirty p.m. Complained of pain in "his pecker" as he likes to refer to it, his groin, his guts. I saw what Hell is like yesterday. I shit you not!
Long story short....nothing shows in tests, except for another UTI. Demerol at 3:10 didn't ease his pain. Nor did morphine an hour later...nor did the next type of pain killer. Once admitted and up in his room around 8:30...a doctor saw him and did his exam. We, his/our daughter Michelle had come to be with us and give me a ride home...decided we wanted him pain free. FUCK his brain not being able to handle more than 5 mil's of oxycodone for his neuropathy pain/burning in his lower legs every eight hours.
We made our decision known and this doctor gave him a larger dose of morphine and while he wasn't sleeping before we left....he was much more comfortable and also with us leaving him.
I don't know why his brain tells him he has this terrible pain in his guts, why his body is in terrible pain when touched in certain places...I just know...Michelle and I both know that he wants no more of his HELL. This doctor will keep him comfortable and it's my understanding that he will come home to Hospice Care and they will keep him comfortable too. When people say at a wake...now their suffering is over...in his case it rings sooooo efffin true. Kids and family calls to make today. Was able to sleep for four hours. Hurt my right knee getting up into the back of the ambulance....frodo foot too;as Jackiesue would say.... I'll take the offered chair today and try to be kinder to myself.
My heart is hurting soooooooo bad. I'm questioning myself as to if I am doing the right thing by him/for him. I am grieving also because...he won't be there for me at the end when I need him. I'm so afraid of what's to come. (((hugs)))
That's All Folks!
I AM WOMAN! Hear me ROAR! February 2012
WARNING !! Not for those with a short attention span. ; 0 )
Daf,
ReplyDeleteYou have done everything you could do for Mike and now you have made a decision to ease his pain and yours. All of us who have taken this journey with you are praying for him and for you. He will be better off and you will have the good memories. I cried like a baby when you crawled in to bed with him. This is true love no matter what has gone on before. Remember the good times. I'm here for you my friend.
(((((hugs)))) Pea
My thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend. You've done all that you can, and now it is time to let him go. My heart is aching for you, but suffering as he does is not life. Keep your good memories in your heart and know that I am here from you.
ReplyDeleteMary
Making him comfortable is so important right now, and it IS the right thing. (((hugs)) to you and good thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ami.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
I'm sorry.
ReplyDeletei think making him comfortable is the right thing too..sending my love to all of you
ReplyDeleteYour doing all you can do for him, stop being so hard on yourself. ((HUGS)) He'll be with you in the end just maybe not physically. Love you my friend
ReplyDeleteYou have gone above and beyond but you will probably never think it's enough, that's how it is when we love someone.
ReplyDeleteI just hope he doesn't have to suffer, and you don't have to witness, any more of this awful pain.
Lots of love and hugs from me Pat.
You need to find out what hospice care at home actually means- by some states, it is simply they cannot cure the person but can make them comfortable but since it is at home, there is not the same criteria for someone going "into" hospice care- I have had hospice care at home for at least six years now, it is more about palliative and pain control for multiple issues (much like your husband's health problems) that only progress and deteriorate- this may not mean that you are at the end of the road, this may mean that you get some respite and your husband gets more comfortable-make sure you find out before you think it is the worst- been reading you off and on over the years- I don't usually comment since I don't know if it appropriate for a reader who is not your friend as the others seem to be- but want to say you rock it with all you have going on! Please make sure you find out what this hospice care means and will entail and TAKE WHATEVER THEY CAN GIVE YOU whether you think you need it or not, after all, every bit of help helps!
ReplyDeleteAudrey