D D Where is hubby at in his head?

Yesterday my day continued along.  Me plodding along and Jill changed three beds and washed her and her kids sheets and blankets, plus another load of darks.  For the better part of the day, the W.B. sat in front of an XBOX game and played by himself. Noticed his mouth in a tight line at some point in the early p.m.  Later when I asked, she told me that she and Logan told him Chris was on his way and staying here when she fixed them a late lunch.  During that time I had taken a nap.....while hubby was on the phone with his sister Ann for over an hour and wasn't woken by W.B's unhappy ass. :0)  A mouth clenched TIGHT works for moi. I shit you not!
Around four they went off with Gil for one drink at the Moose and I truly figured it would lead to disaster with  the piss poor mood the W.B. was in, BUT IT DIDN'T. :0)  They took her car and ONE DRINK IT WAS.
He refused to pay for what they were drinking if they were not drinking the same as he was ( rum and coke.) Jill told him it was fine with her and she paid for hers.  I was in the kitchen talking to daughter Michelle ( hubby's blood daughter ) when they came back and both walked by us in my narrow kitchen to her room ,( him with the tight lips ) and I swear I didn't see him walk past me again, but he did within minutes.  :0) Had left. Was offered extra hours of work today and was undecided, but made the call back that he would take the overtime. . Good boy!
  Chris has stayed here as a guest of all of us through all her boyfriends these past 12 years.
Tough Titty!
   I got busy in the kitchen while Michelle was visiting Logan first and then her dad. When he had to use her pot she came out to chat. Told us how argumentative ( her word ) he was being. I don't think that's quite the right word, but as she was trying to go down Memory Lane with him about his brother Jimmy ,(her uncle) that died at age thirty nine and mentioned how she fondly remembered grampy ( my dad ) giving them quarters and Uncle Jimmy too. With that he went off on a tangent about how he always borrowed those quarters from him and never paid him back and how he always borrowed money from him and then would set the bar up. Drinks were on him at the bar.  .Never re-paid him.   He sounded so angry she said...like it just happened and his brother has been dead for 34 years. His brother was fourteen months younger than him and they were very close and he took his loss hard.  What's with that ???
So everytime hubby got negative, she would try to change the subject. While she was at the table, I told he what transpired that morning. She went back into our bedroom and visited some more and he fell asleep on her. During this time, Tracie came with a baked chicken she picked up and offered all of us some for chicken sandwiches. No one was hungry, so she sat at the table and made herself one and chatted with Jill,myself and Michelle.
Hubby woke, Michelle said her goodbyes to all of us and Tracie and I proceeded to my bedroom.
Let me explain here that hubby and myself haven't used the livingroom most of our married life.
First it was chock a block full with our kids and their friends and our bedroom was our retreat away from the din. We hardly ever as a couple had friends over and I had a few, but the table was what we sat ariound when those few friends and FAMILY visited.  Then he was injured in 1984 and the bed was the only place he was confortable. Sitting in a chair is painful.  Our bedroom was added onto before hubby was injured and it's huge by bedroom standards. More like a rec room size. THAT's WHERE WE LIVE, pretty much 24/7 for him and less for me, but not by that much.  His few living friends visit him in our bedroom now , as does Tracie my friend ,once mealtime is over. Once in a great while an old neighbor that once was a good friend stops by, but she doesn't sit long. Most of the time she is in and out. Says hi and by to hubby. There came a point in our friendship that he couldn't stand her, but that's not why we parted ways. If my memory serves me right, he never talked ugly to her, ( just to me about her. )  He liked her husband. These two people are the ones that stood up for us when we got married.
Last night any time Tracie or I would talk, hubby would nastily yell that he was trying to watch tv. I was in my computer chair and she was sitting in his wheelchair and every so often we would think of something we wanted to say and get yelled at again. About the thrid time it happened hubby went ballistic. Told her to get the fuck out of his house and not come back and, and, and, was going to call the police and have her removed, and,and,and.  This isn't anything he hasn't done to her before, but I was still stunned. Finally I had had it and told him she was my guest and to go right ahead and call the police because they would do nothing. It's my house he was yelling and all kinds of other shit and I let him know it was mine too. Oh and yeah, I WAS YELLING TOO. He's screaming at the top of his lungs telling her to get the fuck out and it was somewhere about here that I lit into him ( chosing my words carefully, because I don't want Tracie learning our "dirty laundrty" ) and asking him why the fuck I should stay with him because he would have never put up with that if I was the one sick. Whether he understood the gist of my message, I do not know. He replied that he would have cared for me to which I replied nastily, BULL SHIT!  I know you!  In my mind I was remembering back to the horror scenes when he would make accusations when we were younger.  Yeah, Like Hell he would have stood for that kind of behavior! I reminded him that Tracie has been good enough to go get him subs, his Lorna Doones when he is out and buys him special desserts he likes. He roared, "i've never asked her to." he's right, but when she has offered he didn't stop her and he eats the tirmisu and the likes. 
Sit at the table and visit then , I want to watch tv, he finally yelled and we complied.  Now folks, everyone else comes into our bedroom and talks while he is watching tv. He talks when I try to watch tv. So WTF! 
Tracie left at 9:15 and I put his 2 oxys in a med cup, ready to hand him before we turned in for the night and climbed into bed. and turned away from him and the loud tv. In fifteen minutes a program we had already seen came on and ten minutes into it ( me gritting my teeth ) , but nicely, I said, ' we have seen that." He replied back, " I know" in a normal voice and changed the program. Minutes later he asked if I wanted to watch anything in particular and handed me the remote. I went through channels one by one as well as turned the volume down ( :0) ) and settled on something regarding the Alaska Wilderness and from time to time I looked and he was watching.  Maybe ten minutes before the end, the tv goes black. "oh, I didn't know you were watching it and he offered to turn it back on and did. Just in time for commercials. Told him he could shut it off, I'd seen enough.( in a normal tone)
All this...in Normal Voices.  he lay there and so did I. I didn't offer a kiss goodnight and he didn't say," where's my kiss as would be the norn when he plans on going to sleep before me. In my mind I was thinking I'd give him one of his OLD REPLIES to that when he was pissed at me. " Why the fuck should I."  He fell asleep , I DIDN'T. Watched 11;30 hit the clock and rose to pee. My mind had been on overload. sighhhh  I did fall asleep ( not without waking with pain and changing position )  til he woke around 3 to pee and asked me the time. Oh, before he fell asleep I handed him his med cup and told him to look at the clock each time he woke to pee and take his meds if it was after 2 a.m.  ( Without saying it, I feel he can take his own middle of the night pain meds without disturbing me. If I manage to get some sleep between my pains waking me, I want TO SLEEP! ) NO MORE HIM BLAMING ME FOR HIM NOT GETTING THOSE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT PAIN MEDS).
 Right away I hear, " what time is it?" I tell him. Then he begins to tell me that the power went out earlier and he went on and on....  car must have hit a pole: power was out X amount of time: he was awke til it came back on. That sort of shit and finally I told him in a nice tone that I wanted to fall back to sleep. We both did. Awoke to a high pitched beep around 3:30 a.m. WTF??? Arose and got my purse thinking it was my cell phone warning me the battery was low. (Knew I charged it two days ago though. ) Carried it from room to room and kept hearing that annoying beep. IN MY BEDROOM!
After awhile I figured out it was the smoke alarm up on my cathedral ceiling. EVERY MINUTE IT WOULD SHRIEK! Every sixty seconds.  I shit you not!   Watched the clock til somewhere near four and put a pillow over my head. Next time I woke...NO PIERCING BEEP!  Was the smoke alarm recharging it's battery after we lost electricity? Why only the one in my bedroom? Will have to inquire further. Six fifteen I was up and hubby slept til 7ish and all is quiet on the Western Front.
   Forgot to say that before I went to bed I went to a kitchen drawer and removed a "church key." Stepped into Jill's bedroom and told her what I had in my hand ( the same thing I slept with at the end of her father's and my marriage) for some half assed protection. Never had to use it then and surely hope I don't now, but if hubby ever grabs me like he is going to harm me or hits me, I will!
JIll told me that she and Gil had heard the loud disturbance and were ready to rush to my aide if needed.
  As I said a paragraph ago, all is quiet on the Western Front. He has asked me politely for his coffee and has said, thank you and I have replied thusly, " you're welcome."
But ,as I said to Jill last night, this is not the end of it!  I am going to TALK, not yell ( when grandkids arn't around ) to let him know exactly what I KNOW. Now...in the past there has never been such a thing as "talk" with him. Immediately he starts yelling like a banshee and turns three shades of red. . That's always been his way. No discussioning ! So be it, if need be. I need to confront and let him know if this continues, his family ( 2 sisters and 2 brothers ) will be told. 
Maybe that's wrong. Without the tools I need to handle this, I'm going about it blindly.
He'd never listen to a psysologist . All are Quacks in his opinion and when he has his once a year Spinal Cord Injury day long appointment, he goes to all the departments on his list, EXCEPT to the last one. Psycology. Claims he don't need to see a Quack and out the door we go and head for home.
Getting teary eyed..... thinking how I will get him to see one if ONE EVER CALLS!
Ah... Fuck It !   I'll be okay with whatever I decide to do. Doing NOTHING is what is maddening !
Putting him in a Rest Home is not an option with me. Not when he can still do things for himself . I'd walk out the door first! 
Did get one chuckle yesterday. He told Jill I took all his money out of the safe and hid it. Hey...if he was listening, I told him I took it and put it in the bank. Any who...he wanted her to see if she could find out where I hid or put it. Asked her if it was in the bank account her name is on too. Noooooooooooooooo. Back in April when we were in FL hubby got his first big check and he,myself and my son went to a branch of bank of America to open an account and keep the monies there. He must have forgot! IOnce back in MA the next checks went in our local branch of bank of America. NOT the bank we did our banking with that is constantly changig names. TD Bank North, I think now.
He's the Absent Minded Professor. If he asked me what bank I have it in, I'd tell him. ;0)

   I made us both a chiropractic appointment for eleven thirty this morning. Got to go!
(((hugs)))Pat

That's All Folks!