D D Day 34 and What the Hell happened to me????

I don't know what happened to me yesterday.
Was it a Melt Down?
Was it a Panic Attack?
Was I having a Mini Nervous Breakdown?
Around 4:30 a.m. yesterday morning I woke with dread. 
Dreading the fact that it would be another day with W.B. in the picture and wishing it would be Jill that said bye bye before hubby exploded. .
IT WAS  Jill WITH W.B. that came through the door just as I was ready to post.
Right away I started to panic waiting for the axe to fall.
Hubby did not realize that he was with her and he was in her bedroom watching TV .
Tried to keep myself busy doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
Went near Jill's room which is across from the stove to use the kitchen sink and saw the Sunday Paper in there.
Then I saw W.B. with the crossword puzzle section.
I began to panic and went to my pocket to get money for a newspaper and to tell either one of them to get their ass down to the convenience store to buy hubby one so that he wouldn't know W.B. had the paper first.
W.B. glanced up at me when I stepped inside with money in hand and said to me " you want this"?
I told him I did and that Mike did not like anyone touching his paper before he read it.
He won't know except for some writing in it , he quipts.
I'm thinking....you have no idea buddy, you have no idea!
This is going to be the Straw That Broke The Camels Back.
Then I start back to my room and I started to breathe short ( loud to my ears ) rapid breaths and I couldn't stop.
No pain. Just fast short rapid breaths.
I dropped the money on the table and made  it into my room  just feet from hubby and hubby is looking at me and asking what was the matter.
Finally I could get out "Butchie wrote in your paper."
What he screams..What did you say. I can't understand you.
I kept trying to talk better and repeating myself and he keeps asking me things like...was I just running, why can't you talk better, on and on.
Come lay down, he finally says. Tell me what you are trying to say.
The floodgates burst at that moment and I got out" Butchie had your paper and wrote in it. He doesn't know that you like to have your paper first."
I bawled and numbly went to my side of the bed. Laid down and bawled almost silently some more.
Finally I said through tears " this isn't even my fight, why do I always have to be in the middle?'
He says, " tell him to go the fuck home then."
More tears. . Not loud sobs....just heartsick crying and when I would stop I'd hear a song on tv ( Lets Fall To Pieces Together" ) the tears rolled down my face again.
One thing after another brought tears as I laid there.
Wondering why things had to be that way. Wondering why I let him get to me like that.
I have hardened myself so much over the years to keep myself from breaking down crying when hubby was in an  UGLY MOOD.
Gone were the days that I cried myself to sleep after years of verbal abuse.
No more swollen eyes from crying when he would yell, " pack my Fuckin bags".
Back then when I would try to talk to him about it he would tell me I was too thick headed to understand any other kind of language except the strong language he used.  
Wondering why I didn't assert myself from the very beginning and cut him loose before I married him.
Wondering  if it will always be like this. Wondering, wondering and each thing would bring fresh tears rolling down my face.
I was not liking myself or what I have become.
There will always be some love in my heart for him.
There was no holding me like I yearned for. Yet he stopped his mouth and continued on cleaning his electric razor.
Heavy hearted I did get up after awhile and make more attempts at organizing stuff I have let go.
Yarn and crochet hooks, needles, pins, yarn, change, store receipts and the like all piled on and in my nightstand.
How many pieces of clothing and what should I take with me to FL and just what.
Pants of hubbys that need hemming.
What crochet and knitting needles and all the other things related to crocheting and knitting including patterns do I take with me.
What reading books. What dog stuff. What computer stuff. What,what,what.
There is a lot to do that needs to be done before I leave for FL and thinking of my son Jay contributed to what ever happened to me.
I've been upset before in the past and cried. Nothing like this ever has happened to me and I think I have been through alot before. Two divorces, raising 7 kids, then nine.  Kids accidents. Kids divorces and problems.  Any parent knows what all that is like.
I've had guns held on me by someone that was supposed to love me.
Almost lost son Randy at 8 weeks old with a strangulated double hernia that wasn't diagnosed for weeks and he was very weak before the emergency surgery.
Son Jay was hit in the eye with a wire bristle from a street cleaning machine and almsot lost the sight in that eye. Was loosing the vetrious jelly behind the cornea.
Son Larry being hit by an ice cream truck and my screams had the driver stop just before he would have ran over his head.
Son Terry was minutes away from ending his life after his wife left him when the police located him .
Son Randy going to prison.
Heartaches and heartbreaks.
It is right here that I think to myself. You still have your children, grands and greats.
Think of the suffering those parents had in Germany when their children were torn from them and worst.
Stop this shit and smarten the hell up. 
So with that, I will stop moaning and whining.

On my nightstand under the scarf I keep on it...... once I cleaned and could see the scarf...I found $160 that I had stuffed there. :0)
For what ever reason....I can't think of now, but I am prone to do that if I can't get discreetly into my little metal lock box to lock it away out of sight..

Randy is bringing me my new Dell laptop today. He picked it up yesterday and is downloading what has to be downloaded to begin using it.. if I'm not mistaken I should do some sort of backup on a disc on this desktop too. Maybe not.  Randy will know so I'm not going to sweat it before he comes.
     Patriots almost skunked the Dolphins.  Sorry baby brother. 
Would have called him and razzed him, but wasn't in the mood.
    Asked hubby if he wanted to go to the OutBack yesterday and he answered in the affirmative. :0)
As he was dressing in the nice lined pants and sweatshirt I bought him for cold weather he complained they were so heavy they made him feel like he was going to fall down.
He had left them on his chair after he wore them the last cold day. Grabbed them and put them on.
When we left he could have worn jeans...it was that warm. 
When we got home it was 44 degress at 5:30.  Nice! 
Fog was not so much ...........nice. I shit you not!
Going in the daylight in the fog wasn't too bad....coming home in the dark....was.
Took him to a yard display on the way home that I have admired this Christmas Season a few streets and turns off our beaten path.  The home owners had begun to take it down.
He did say it was pretty, but I don't know how much he could really see. 
His field of vision is very limited.
These are pictures I took the night before when Tracie and I went out.

Click to enlarge.

The deer were put away last night.

    On the way to eat he began again about what or why I had behaved the way I did  and couldn't talk.
Tried to explain myself as to what transpired and how. 
He started to get loud and said he would never take the newspaper out of the newspaper box and go into someone elses house and read it .  Went on about W.B. not having a effin brain in his head.
Brought up him feeding the dogs at the table.  ( I and Jill haven't caught him doing it since he has been warned.) He HAS seen him he says.   Anxiety started to build in me. He did drop it and remain quiet on that issue the rest of the drive. 
He did give me a few starts when he would say something like... 'You missed your turn."
No that was a convenience /package store I told him.
Must admit I touched my brakes a few times more than I needed to on the way home.
Get blinded by oncoming cars and.................
Neither of us realized how late it was when we started out.
Great meal. Great service from Lydia. We both felt full after the Coconut Shrimp appetizer and the bread and salad.  Did manage to eat the steak and baked potatos.
I did not eat breakfast.  Had black coffee and read blogs.
 Nibbled on a package of cream cheese and chive filled crackers after 12 .
Think six come in a package. That was lunch/brunch.
Once home ( Logan was back home) school tomorrrow,( Jill and W.B. were missing) hubby undressed , put his pj bottom on and dozed off. 
   DIL Kim IM'd me.  Told her what went down with me today. She said it sounded like an anxiety attack.
Told me the good news first. Son Jay's weight was down to 267.That's 42 pounds of fluid out of him.:0)
When she went to visit him he asked her if she was taking him home.
She reminded him of what the doctor said.
He told her she could leave.
She told him she would leave after he ate as he had told her he wasn't going to eat.
She left and did not plan to go see him that night after those words were spoken to her.
He called her and told her she didn't need to come see him. A nurse took him outside for fresh air.
Told her it would probably be evening before he was discharged Monday and he didn't know where he was going. She told him to come home and think about it.  sigh!
If he goes to live with the homeless he will die. MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She told me he wasn't going anywhere.!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Jill and W.B . were not home when we returned.  There were alot of cars at the Moose when we drove by, but I didn't figure they would be there.
When we left she was making Sheppards Pie and fresh cormeal muffins. Not from a package. :0)
Kind of thought she would be staying in. Thought wrong....so what's new. NOTHING!
I just keep hoping.
Folding one load of  laundry and making them a meal must have made her mouth water for a drink.
Yeah, I'm being veciosious.
   They came home at 7:30... that's an improvement.
Hubby asked who came in. Told him Butch and Jill.  Waited for the onslaught...............he said, "what's he doing here. He's suppose to go home at night."
He did say a few weeks earlier that he didn't want him here overnight.
Don't know if he verbalized it to her..........or him.............but he did to me. sigh!
That I can understand.
I never wanted W.B. to get too cozy here.

Noticed when I showered that the lower part of my legs are swelling.
Only wear diabetic socks and they still leave imprints. sigh!
This was the one and only reason why I started to see a doctor three years ago.
While waiting for my first appointment I thought then about asking for Chantix when I went and I did. :0)
I take a pill for the excess water....seem to pee OFTENER than I would like to and still I have swelling.
Last visit the doctor didn't even look at my legs. When she does she doesn't notice it anymore. sigh!

Taken by me looking down at my feet.

Ugly hammer toe..Not a pretty sight.  Haven't shaved my legs since???????

Hubby woke in a good mood.

 Put his hand over mine and we laid there an extra minute before getting up. :0)

That little affection was appreciated.

Much to do today. Town Hall to Notary.

Load number one of laundry is doing it's thing.

Heard Jill get Logan off to school this morning and she is holded up in her room.

Sleeping? watching TV??

W.B.'s truck was in the driveway when I checked on Logan at 9:30 p.m. last night.

Logan was watching Tv and Nana told him the hour and we wished each other Sweet Dreams. :0)

Didn't bother to peek out front later.

The only remments of the meal Jill was making when I left for the OutBack yesterday was 2 cornmeal muffins.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I can safely assume that the big casserole dish of Sheppards Pie was taken to alkies DD and Tom's apartment to share by the four of them for their supper meal.

I do like Sheppards Pie...no leftovers. :0(

If hubby knew he was feeding those two alkies he would blow a fuse.

In the past five years they have eaten HERE and been around here more than hubby would have liked.

Ditto for me too! I shit you not!

The first three years they were like fixtures. Cookouts, parties, Holidays,suppers every so often.

Even Jill's oldest son Ryan wasn't happy about it and showed his distain.. 

My DIL Kim and son Jay would go home when they showed up.

Jill must have discouraged them coming so often or they got the message through people's actions because they don't come around often now and I think they only used the pool twice this summer.

The first three years they were hanging around the pool, drinking, swimming and in general enjoying themselves and the snacks.

Tom ...in and out to get ice and make fresh drinks. Jill's company. sigh

Bet they took their new bottle of rum with them and BET Tom helped them drink it.:0)

He likes his drinks STRONG. Especially when someone else paid for the bottle of booze.

 Mooching looser!

Dee Dee drinks vodka.

Hubby does have a good reason for some of his gripes.

When and IF he finds out the Jones' were fed with his dollar he won't be happy and I will be the recipient of his anger. sigh!!!!!!!

Last night he asked for a cornmeal muffin and after I handed it to him he asked me why I wasn't eating one too.

Told him I wasn't hungry when in reality I KNEW that the two I saw with my eyes were the ONLY TWO in the house.  Had not put two and two together about where the rest of the muffins were, but my inner self KNEW!

He knows we usually have to throw one or two away from a batch Jill makes up that go stale.

Hoping after he eats the second muffin he doesn't ask for more.

ONE CAN DREAM CAN'T THEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's All Folks!