D D It's time to let another loved on go.

Hubby was in agony from the time I steppped inside his room at the nursing home yesterday at 8 a.m.  til just before I left the V.A.Hospital last night at ten thirty p.m. Complained of pain in "his pecker" as he likes to refer to it, his groin, his guts. I saw what Hell is like yesterday. I shit you not!
Long story short....nothing shows in tests, except for another UTI. Demerol at 3:10 didn't ease his pain. Nor did morphine an hour later...nor did the next type of pain killer. Once admitted and up in his room around 8:30...a doctor saw him and did his exam. We, his/our daughter Michelle had come to be with us and give me a ride home...decided we wanted him pain free. FUCK his brain not being able to handle more than 5 mil's of oxycodone for his neuropathy pain/burning in his lower legs every eight hours.
We made our decision known and this doctor gave him a larger dose of morphine and while he wasn't sleeping before we left....he was much more comfortable and also  with us leaving him.
I don't know why his brain tells him he has this terrible pain in his guts, why his body is in terrible pain when touched in certain places...I just know...Michelle and I both know that he wants no more of his HELL.  This doctor will keep him comfortable and it's my understanding that he will come home to Hospice Care and they will keep him comfortable too. When people say at a wake...now their suffering is over...in his case it rings sooooo efffin  true. Kids and family calls to make today. Was able to sleep for four hours. Hurt my right knee getting up into the back of the ambulance....frodo foot  too;as Jackiesue would say.... I'll take the offered chair today and try to be kinder to myself.
My heart is hurting soooooooo bad.  I'm questioning myself as to if I am doing the right thing by him/for him. I am grieving also because...he won't be there for me at the end when I need him. I'm so afraid of what's to come. (((hugs)))

That's All Folks!