D D Blue.....heavy hearted

While I have the highest respect for nurses aides and the job that nurses aides do for so little pay...they don't clean hubby's "bung hole" good and he cries, it burns, it's burns, why am I burning down there?  Yesterday, I left to go get MY OWN ass salve...a mixture of 50/50 Desitin and Balmex , but before I left, I let them know that he needed cleaning again. Came back and it looked like he was sleeping so i sat quietly in a chair. I'm almost dozing off and I hear, "ma, are you there?" Told him I was. A few minutes later, he asked again. Noticed he had tears slilently running down his face. Managed to get him over in the bed and climbed in beside him. Held him and had myself a good ( needed ) cry/cries. Supper came....he didn't want it. I understand that he didn't like/want his breakfast...same with dinner, but I was there and went to the kitchen for PB and jelly. For supper he agreed to an ice cream cup.
When i arrived at noon I inquired about his pain med to his nurse. She told me that when she asked him at 8:30 a.m. he told her he was not in pain. I don't know how these nurses ask THIS of patients, but knowing my own husband he gets confused with the wording some people use. I learned that AGAIN he is PRN, instead of scheduled. Got the same line of shit about how potent oxycodone 5 efffin miligrams is and blah,blah,blah. Builds up...causes confusion...yadda,yadda,yadda.
TODAY....I am letting it be known that I rather have him confused than AWARE of what he is going through. My expectations of him being able to do what he did a month ago....is NOT going to happen!   He will not be able to toilet himself. He will not be able to walk with his walker to get into the tub to shower....THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL!
Also... I want the resisuitate thing changed to DO NOT RESISUITATE! THIS ISN'T LIVING. I don't care if his B/P and heart are good and strong. This is NO LIFE! He has no desire to look at a paper, watch tv....
I laid in bed with him a couple of hours. Knew he peed himself around seven , but snuggled his back and waited til 8 to ask them to change and ready him for the night. He was given a pain med at 5:30 and while the burning from his knees down subsided by then ,it did not leave. He has a new pain from both buttocks down the back of his legs to the back of his knees and his spine hurts. P.T. worked with him a short while before lunch. Made him sit in his chair and finally.... one told me I could push him around the halls, etc. if I wanted to. I did...did he enjoy it??? Would rather have been in bed. Two thirty they (PT) decided he could get back in bed. Of course...he can't do that on his own any more.
I love my husband more than even I realized.
 Went back to peek in on him at ten p.m. He was sound asleep and looked comfortable. The aide put the cream I handed her on his butt hole at 8p.m. . :0) I was ready to do it when she removed his diaper and wiped him down, she said, "do you want me to do it?" I handed it over to her.
 
There are other things going on ....my son Randy called to tell me the police were at his door and he didn't answer it.  Took pics of his truck, his girlfriends jeep and a few things in the yard. He hasn't been being a GOOD BOY, (he admits.). I depend on him so much to do things to this house and yard for me.sighhhhhh   MY HEART IS HEAVY WITH DREAD. It will break my heart to see him imprisoned AGAIN. He has not seemed to learn..."thou shall not steal."

All you animal lovers out there,,,forgive me....I am taking the hose to the Mallard ducks that swim in my pool and scaring them off. Duck shit ....can't be healthy , nor is it pretty to look at when you want to swim.  I never in my life would have thought I'd stop offering them a swimming hole...BUT!

Seven thrity a.m. Showering and heading to the nursing home.
(((hugs)))

That's All Folks!