Depression wears an ugly face! I shit you not!

Wednesday 7-24-13
 I could write and write in my Diary, but unfortunately ....I have other things to do.
Or is that fortunately???
As I handed Jill the newspaper tonight to show her the obituary for 18 year old Jackie and told her that Cheryl said it was someone named Adam that got her hooked on heroin...she told me HE was the one that stole all her jewelry. I can't picture him, but I remember the uneasy feeling that I had about him and Gil being in her bedroom. Unbeknownst to me, Gil was showing him where she kept her jewelry.  She tried to have him arrested, but she would have had to have Gil arrested too. SO...that ended THAT!
She also told me that Gil cried his heart out to her last night. Needs to get himself some help. Sick and tired of his life and sick of being sick. Is thinking of walking into a hospital and asking for  himself to be put away.
Yesterday when Logan ( his 14 year old brother ) and Logan's friend Kenny were here...he played with them the entire day. Swam, played football, Xbox games, swam some more. When his dad came to pick up Logan he stepped outside to say hi to him and right away out of his dad's mouth in a tone for all the people around to here, his dad ( the ex SIL from Hell ) yelled..." you are stoned."  He also said that he was thinking of a father and son trip with him, but NOW it was OFF. Gil was crushed. He had not used anything. To his dad, he said..."I don't know why I even bother to say hi to you and leave myself open to hurt."
I can attest to the fact that Gil was here all day and was thoroughly involved in activities with his brother Logan. 
In talking with Jill, she tells me it takes years and years to fight that addiction and become successful to as where he/she can be a provider, parent, etc. All the while he/she will be battling their addiction til they die. It sounds futile.
I don't know how people make it happen. Getting employment at age 22 with hardly any work history........... that craving every day to get a fix....a vicious Merry Go Round.
In my minds eye...I see such an uphill battle that  sounds impossible.
Jill was hurting for him as we talked. It was evident in her tone of voice as she related all this to me. It was then that I told her I too worry about her and when her journey will take her to the bottom.
Then I walked away from her room.


Thursday 7-25-13

I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into  depression. I wander from room to room in my house and can't find a...beginning.  I have too much shit of my own and on top of that I have other peoples belongings and baggage. So I sit....only to rise again ....wander with no purpose and sit again.
I see my doctor the 7th of August. Maybe I need a mood med...maybe.....
Ed's house has clutter too. His and mine.
The motorhome is small....hence CLUTTER.
Can't win.
If I could give any young person starting out ....advise....., it would be to not acquire a lot of shit. It drags you down. Leave spaces and lots of it ...EMPTY. Why do we think we need all this STUFF?
Must be a human thing. I shit you not!
Poor Ed...I can feel his concern for me. I didn't eat Wednesday until I came back to his house after 4p.m. I didn't take my morning meds for a couple of days.
Yup, it's depression. I'm sure my doctor will confirm it.

I emailed my son in FL Monday to ask him to research flights to AK in August. For years I have thought that if I were to live past Mike's time on earth that I would go to see my best girlfriend. The time came and I have made no move in that direction.
Wednesday came and suddenly I remembered my beautiful tomatoes that I beginning to ripen ( love fresh tomatoes), so I emailed him back and said no to August and gave him no other month to research air fare rates.
Deep inside I know that Ed will miss me terribly. When I told him that I was worried about how he would do with me going, he told me to go, that he is a survivor and if that's what I want to do...I should. THEN...why do I feel guilty???  After that, I worry if something should happen at home.....of what use would I be and how could I get to someone's side if I am that distance away. Excuses, Excuses, Excuses....why not to go. Oh ...and then the thought of what this long trip will take out of me.... is more fuel as to why not to go.
If I go and when I come back....I still have the same shit weighing me down.
My energy level is at a LOW.  A High time LOW. Why is it that I could do so much more and care for Mike's needs a year ago and now.................................... ???

It's closing in on 9:30a.m. I have done nothing except eat breakfast and take my meds.
I know Ed was hoping we'd go up to the campgrounds today. I told him yesterday that I needed another day to gather things and my thoughts. Sitting here isn't getting me anywhere ....fast!
 I shit you not!

(((hugs)))

That's All Folks!