It is what it is. I feel numb for the most part.... afraid of what lies ahead for me.... wondering if I will ever feel alive again.
Went for my lazer surgery yesterday and every couple I saw holding hands there, made me long for that same thing and the tears would rise.
Today I have an appointment to get my oil changed. It's way past due. Have over five thousand miles on my new car, but I had no time before to get it done. Now that I do...I want my traveling back and forth to Boston back. SCREW THE CAR! Can't be, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it was like it was a month ago and the months and years before that.
Still have life insurance papers to fill out. One day at a time.
Have other paperwork to complete as well........IN TIME.
As for the cards sent and given at his funeral....they still lie unopen. Can't bring myself to do it yet. In time...in time....
Thank you all who knew my address for your cards of sympathy.
I've been making my bed. All these fucking years that I wished I could make my bed and have it stay made for a few hours, have come and I HATE IT now. Be careful what you wish for in the future Pat.
While I wallow in my own sorrow, I know you all have your heartaches and troubles. Most of us living have them. Doesn't make it any easier for any of us, does it.
Can you die of a broken heart? If my B/P yesterday was any indication, I'd say no. 115/57 , but I sure feel dead inside. One day at a time...I go. (((hugs)))Pat
That's All Folks!
I AM WOMAN! Hear me ROAR! February 2012
WARNING !! Not for those with a short attention span. ; 0 )
Oh Pat I love you and your always in my heart. Don't put pressure on yourself do what you can when you can. ))HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI can't say enough to you that your feelings are normal. That you must work through them your way, no one can tell you how to do it, how long it will take, and how your particular healing will come about. But it will.
ReplyDeleteAnd only do what you feel you're capable of dealing with at the time. Do not allow anyone to pressure you or push you.
(((Hugs)))
As shallow as this may feel as you read it, you sound normal. I will second what Ami says. Re read your post it is wise words. Hugs from Alabama, Hang In There...
ReplyDeletefirst off , you are never boring..love you too♥♥
ReplyDeleteHang in there Pat, keep reading your book even if it is one paragraph at a time. Hugs, Pearl
ReplyDeleteif writing out your feelings makes you feel better then go for us. I'll be here to read it all. Hugs!
ReplyDelete(((Hugs)))) You need time, my friend.
ReplyDeleteMary
I just discovered your blog and love it. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through, but thank you so much for being real. I look forward to following you.
ReplyDeleteSo sad, and even knowing that what you're going through is "normal" it's still horrible while you're going through it and I bet you don't feel too "normal" right now do you? But your life is far from over and you will feel happy again, I promise you that, you have too much life in you to not.
ReplyDeleteLots of love and I think of you every day.
take care of yourself..your loved.
ReplyDeleteHoney, you are doing right. One day, one hour, one minute, whatever it takes. I don't pretend to know how you feel, I lost a child not a spouse. I understand about the cards, Jess has been gone almost a year and we still haven't looked at the cards or the book where everyone signed. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve, there is no right or wrong way, we each do it our way. Never be afraid to cry, people who say to stop they are in a better place don't understand the tears are for us, for what will never be. Hang in there, I wish I could say the pain eases, it doesn't, we just get used to the scarred heart.
ReplyDelete