Don't know what a nervous breakdown feels like , but something tells me that I was at the very edge of my limit. Tracie came and when she pulled in the driveway ( son Randy ) asked that she not park there in a not so nice tone cause he had to load up his truck there when he was done for the day. It was then that I asked her to park outside the fence. Next thing I knew....he was FURIOUS with her as she had parked where he had spread loam. WHY THE FUCK he spread loam there????? ( he says the ground was low there ) it's the fucking towns property and I could give a shit less about their property. Years ....actually many moons ago ( over 40 ) the town was going to put sidewalks in as our street is a dead end street and a path crosses over a brook to the elementary school. . One word from him and then another about her being able to see the fresh dirt and ME telling him that I told her to park there was one word too many. I was screaming like a fucking banshee and couldn't stop. NOW as I sit here, I feel embarrassed that my neighbors saw this. I'm sure it wasn't a pretty sight with me throwing the F word out there like a truck driver. Tracie and I were suppose to go out to eat from 7 to 8 as I wanted to be home to watch the Batchelorette. Once in her car and it in motion...I could not go. IT IS not past Randy to do something to her car and I could not let that happen. He has that much hate for her because I stand up to him for her. Home...inside, under the covers ....the sobs began. Jill came in, I asked to be left alone, but she continued to try to console me. Then hubby said something...( can't remember what) and it set me off again. I got out of bed and told him I was putting him in a fucking Rest Home. Which ...he told me I couldn't. do. Those words set me off again and I not only let him know that I could, but that every fucking person ( his doctor, nurses, etc, etc. ) know what the fuck he has been doing....WITH MY DAUGHTER. It's all on record. THEY THEMSELVES have recommended that I put you in a Rest Home. I told him ONE MORE TIME and he's fucking out of here. Asked him which doctor, nurse reamed my ass out at the V.A. He looked and sounded.....like DUH ? HUH ?...what you talking about. Fucking numb and dumb! Ohhhhhhhh I said PLENTY. Do I feel better for it? HELL NO!
After him telling me that I am the only nut in this house, he is humming away...or is that his old man sounds I hear?
NEXT...Randy comes inside to try to explain his ( what the fuck do you call it. ) His side??? I kept telling him that he just doesn't understand.
Any way...after asking him how much I owed him...he could stop working here....I never wanted to see his face again... Now, I feel shitty that I did.
He doesn't understand....no one does. I even tossed out that I wanted to take a match to this fucking place. I told hubby that what he and I have come to is SAD. To that...he agreed.
I guess....if I can remember 90% of what I said....I'm in a good place.
Long night ahead of me. Jill has gone to get myself and her some Chinese food. I made a list... FUCK THE DIET!
I'm sure that some of you have noticed that I have been lax in commenting on your blogs. I DO try to read all of you, it's just sometimes my mind isn't working right and I get a (panicky feeling) for lack of having a better description of what I am experiencing.
It's the morning after....do I feel good about what I said to hubby or to son Randy. No.
Do I feel better .....YES!
I am back to pretending that everything is peachy keen....like there was never an ugly word spoken.
Trust me...I empathize with hubby's condition ( physical ) that he is dependant on others.
There for but the grace of ? ,GO I!
(((hugs)))
Tha's All Folks!
I AM WOMAN! Hear me ROAR! February 2012
WARNING !! Not for those with a short attention span. ; 0 )
((hugs))(((more hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI wish I could offer more.
You know, my friend, alcohol is a depressant. Many of my clients experience a complete turnaround once they stop drinking. I fear Jill will not feel any better until the drinking stops. And, as an added benefit, seeing his mom in recovery will benefit Gil's addiction. Just imagine how he must feel cleaning up after his mom when she is sick from drinking. She definitely needs to get some counseling.
ReplyDeleteMary
well no wonder you lost it and i'm sure plenty needed to be said...I have the feeling you are the glue that holds a lot of it together in your family, to your detriment. Big Hugs
ReplyDeleteOMG! I AM you. Same feelings. And peachy keen is also my response. I am GLAD you yelled as you did. They needed to hear that. Like you, I too swallow all the shit being dished out. Hence the depression. You need xanax. Truly. Love. Hugs. And kisses.
ReplyDeleteAs for commenting on others' blogs you are not required to do that unless you feel like it, so please don't add that to your list of things you feel you must do for others my dear friend. I know you are there, you've been there for me many times with the right words and just hope I can do the same for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so glad you cracked it with them when you did, you needed to say that stuff and they needed to hear it. And I don't think it's so much pretending everything is "peachy keen" but more keeping the peace, what sort of life would it be there if there was constant fighting and carrying on, I keep the peace here as much as I can and when something really needs to be said it gets said (often when, like you, I'm at the end of my rope).
I'm sitting here in my nightie thousands and thousands of miles away but I just had the overwhelming urge to run to you and grab you and take you out of there for a while. Where would we go I wonder?
Always here for you.
you need to do something drastic, before you crack up completely..listen to all the people that love you and aren't holding their hand out...
ReplyDeleteHugs to you hon, just remember it's not your fault. When the dam breaks we all do the same thing. Take care, cause we all care about you. Hugs, Pearl
ReplyDelete