D D The skeleton is rattling in the closet

When we met he weighed 130 pounds. 30/32 pants. Adams apple protruding and I still tell him in a funning way he looked like a person from a concentration camp and I took pity on him. ;0) 
He in turn told me he thought I was in college.    Mom to seven...Surprise!!!!  I was 30 like himself.
The first time we met he came from behind the bar to dance the polka with me when I braved asking him.
Must have been the booze in me that loosened me up.
After hubby #2 left for TX and mommy and daddy,  I told myself that entering that bar alone was okay because they knew me there.
The bartender told me to go home.
Yep those were his first words followed by ....or you will be spending the night with me after I get off work.
Think you know the way that went.
Chemistry , chemistry, hots for each other.
Another great lover who knew how to satisfy in the sack.
After that night  we became a couple. :0) 
Neither of us wanted to get married in a hurry once our divorces were final.
I would..he wouldn't.  He would, I wouldn't. 
We never let the kids know and we married ten years later.
My oldest was 13 when we met and my youngest was 5. His were 3 and 5.
It wasn't until Jill was a senior in high school and thought to plan our 25th anniversary by all of them putting away a little each month for the party that she began writing to NH for our marriage certificate. 
She first asked them to search 1967...next 1968  and so on. Finally she got to 1977.

   It's always been about CONTROL with him.
How many times have I cried myself to sleep after he told me to pack his bags.
Always over stupid shit!   Control!
Too many years................no more!

Locked out of my own bedroom and sleeping on the couch. Eyes swollen from crying in the morning...no more!
Words do hurt.......I shit you not!
   I've told how we met at the Idle Hour that he bartended at . He worked two jobs and was legally seperated and court ordered to pay child support and all his exes household  bills except for credit cards until his divorce two months after we met. Which would have made it 8 months he had that expense. With her next husband living in the house. He was someone he grew up with and they always hated each other.
I'd have to be fair and admit he'd been through a bad time.
Would come home to find the kids alone and her a street over drinking with her girlfriends.
A few times his ex tried to over dose.  She became an alcoholic during their marriage and I have since tended to believe she wasn't as strong as I was.
Mike can run Hot and Cold with the snap of a finger.
He would cut his nose off to spite his face .....of that I had no doubt. 
One minute he loves you..BLINK ......the next  minute he hates you. 
One day in the beginning of our life together,  I had a spot on my right arm that was itchy and I kept scratching at it. Unbeknownst to moi the blood had raised to the surface and it looked like a hickey.
When he came home from work he spotted it and demanded to know who the hell put that hickey on me.
Huh???? Where????  I swore and swore it wasn't a hickey. He's throwing his clothes out of the bureau yelling "pack my bags".
I scratched and scratched another area on my arm to prove what it really was.
He finally relented and  accepted it.( I think ) Did he say "I'm sorry".  No. That word is not something he learned to say.
"I'm not God, but I'm the closest thing to him", were the words he spoke.
Translated ..I guess it means I'm not quite perfect..
The first 20 years were the hardest.  Still I married him after the first ten years.
The good still outweighed the bad.
We fought over the kids alot. I would keep things from him and when he would find out he'd blow up.
I wouldn't have had to keep it from him if we could have had discussions.
Never happen!  He wouldn't hear of it.
Councilors and psychologists were quackery    It was all bullshit and mumbo jumbo he would say.
If I tried to talk to him he would just get louder and louder and I'd get scared and back off.
Nope, no discussions.  Pack my bags.
Easier to lie or hide stuff.
To myself......I called him Hitler.
He did work hard and was constantly making repairs to this house. Even down to dryers and small appliances.
He also was a hard headed Irishman with a TEMPER.  I was a kissass.
Our kids always watched his face turn red thinking he was going to have a stroke.
So they told us in later years anyway. :0)
His son moved in with us at age thirteen and his daughter did around the same age too.
Their home life sucked with an alkie falling down drunk mom and  drunkard stepdad.
Michael lived with us to age 25. I had always let him know that at age 25 he was on his own.
Knowing me I would have let him stay.
It just so happened that was exactly when my parents needed to move into his bedroom.
  Again I'm ahead of myself.
During the early years we were together......................
   He would hit the bars regularly after working while I was home with my kids and his.
Have only seen him drunk once and that was in our first year together and he was with his brother and uncle at their old haunt that was closing down. Liquor was being given away .
He went to slip off his pants while he was standing and went to the floor. :0)
He was well liked by everyone. Volunteered  for and worked  the Jimmy Fund and Toys For Tots every year as one character or another. Then he got his own clown costume together and when he wanted to be Santa Claus for the physically and mentally challenged children abd seniors I bought him his own nice Santa suit for a Christmas gift.  Of course with his money.
No more ratty beard either.  Real hair. He still won't part with it. Can't use it. ????
I'd like to bury him in it, but think it would freak some out. ???????????
Neighbors and friends thought he was the greatest. They never saw the ugly side of him.
When we went out dancing together I know people were thinking how lucky I was.
In some ways yes.   I realized there was no such thing as a Rose Garden.
He was a great dancer. I was not! I could follow him when he would lead. Forget the jitterbug and twist.
I liked to see him enjoying himself with a partner who could do those dances.  Ask her, ask this one I would say.
 He married at 23 the first time and age 40 to me.
There were lots of good things about him. He invited my parents to move in with us after my mother had open heart surgery. My dad wasn't the easiest person to live with and my mother was a talker.
When she began to tell us something he would stop her and ask if it was going to be a long story.
It was his way of ribbing her and also being somewhat serious.
Mom was a talker. Dad only when he was drinking. otherwise he was gruff.
They remained here. Mom died in 1986 and dad in 1997.
 Most of his paycheck he turned over to me right from the beginning. Kept his gas and lunch money, plus a few for himself. Later he would hand me the cash and ask for his gas and lunch money.
I made out his child support money orders and paid the bills he had, plus took care of our bills.
I have always handled the money...his and mine. His name is on the checking account, but he never used a check and never asks the balance. :0)  I like it that way. We never quarreled over money or how it as spent.
  The year we met and got together his dad passed away. We met two times.
Have heard he was a tyrant with his first six children and after his accident that left him unable to work...his three youngest children remember him as a gentle man.  Hubby was #5.
My mother in law was a peach. The Best!   I'm sure she worried about her son taking on seven more children to raise, but she never let on.
His family was close to each other and I love his sisters and brothers.
His oldest sibling passed away in an accident before we met. Since then he has lost two brothers and a sister.
Two of my siblings have passed away since we have been together also.

Again I have got ahead of myself.

   When I found out.....I was wrong....(dummy me... thought social security was my  God given right as an American.)   ...I wanted a job.  Told him and the shit hit the fan.
Stormed out and stayed out all night.
Okay.. Later I did buy the story he slept in his truck behind the Elks building.
I have never told him that I got in my car and headed to our credit union and withdrew almost every penny.
Wasn't going to be penniless this time.
He came home the next evening after his work hours and the next day I put the money back.
Silent treatment continued again until he needed sex.
That was the pattern. He would get pissed and shut me out. Then act like nothing happened. :0(
I was always telling him that I loved him.
You want to hear pretty words find someone else he would tell moi.
I'm here ain't I.
One day I stopped saying I love you.
Eventually he commented.   Okay how's this feel I thought when  I said...I'm here ain't I.
His exact words....where the fuck else have you got to go.
Nope... he don't play games and he didn't say pretty things.
In later years he has found the words on occasion to tell me he loves me.
      There came a time that  he accused me of cheating on him when I was grocery shopping 25 or more years ago.
I saw RED when he said he was seeing his lawyer.  I looked him square in the eyes and
told him to go  see his efffin lawyer. He was shocked. His exact words were, " what did I do to deserve this". More to himself than to me.    I felt power and it felt gooooooooooooooooooooood!
Now I started dressing up to grocery shop. Give him a reason to worry now I said to myself.
Got the attitude you have the name, might as well play the game.  Short lived. I got tired of it.
He has mellowed to some extent.  He encourages me now to go out to eat without him.
Where as in the past that never would have happened.
Has told me to go on trips....I couldn't enjoy myself knowing he would have loved those trips if he was well enough and not in constant pain.
 Slowly I found I had a voice and sometimes now I even  regret snapping at him.
I do know how to say, I'm sorry.
Our Golden Years are not as planned.
He spends most of his day in bed. Not by choice.
Could be worst.
I do love him, but I don't give all of myself now. I have shut my emotions off to being hurt by him again. .
I know, I know.   Just cheating myself......  We both lose. sigh!
    I did find a job and while it never would have supported myself, I did enjoy what I did and I do collect social security ...all under $500 of it. Was the other side of 45 when I began working.
I did make wedding cakes at home from shortly after we met until I retired as a chiropractic assistant twelve years ago.
That isn't included in my social security. Was great when I made the money though! I shit you not!
Now it's family wedding cakes.. all 2 of them. A son and grandson.
  When hubby and I went out together in the 60's and 70's I have heard from people thought they thought I was unapproachable.  Have to admit I was reserved.  Sat quietly when he would leave to go use the restroom and stopped at the bar to chat with everyone he knew. Which was everyone in town that was there.  He was the outgoing one.

Yes ....I am an introvert until you get to know me. Some people I can let in .
I have come out of my shell alot. 

I do like people. Just don't feel I have the time to devote to making a good friend anymore.

Friendship goes both ways. It's not a one way street.

Do like being home. Just read the words today that decribe me. Fifteen mile radius old woman. 

I'm not even sure of that.   Make that 5.  :0)

Wish I had my house back.... can't see it happening.

This is Logan's house too. He was 15 months old when he moved in..

If she found Mr.Right I'd wish them well and see them off to begin their new life.  

There has been no sober guy in her life in the past 5-6 years.

She is a social butterfly. Animated and amicable. People tell me ( at the Moose ) she's a sweetheart.
We love her.

Sure the guys she has dated the last 5 years or so wanted to marry her. The time just ran out on the marriage license whine bucket paid for three months ago.

She has security here and isn't leaving.   Unless......someone can keep her as well as we do. sigh!

My brain is rattled. Have jumped ahead of myself over and over.

If anyone else can follow this...you are a brave soul.

I wrote this last year and never finished it. 

Nor did I tell ALL.  It's that time. If I don't address it, I feel I am not only hurting myself, but my daughters. Putting it down ...won't be easy. It needs to be done. 

It's shameful and embarrassing. It's also 4:15 a.m.

I have been up and down over and over with hubby. Gave up trying to sleep. Now he is asking me to help him sit up.

"I want to stay alive" is what he keeps repeating. Told him ...I don't blame him, so do I.

Earlier he asked me why I was being so mean to him.  ?????

Just because I was a little gruff with him? He had trouble following my commands as I tried to get him on his potty. It took him 15 minutes at least to comprehend what he was trying to do and what he needed to do to get on that potty.

I spoke these words low and calm to him. " I do more for you than you ever would have done for me. "

Later he asked...what have I done. You betrayed me.  I did? Yes...with our daughters.  You raised them...they are YOUR daughters. No comment back.

The moaning and groaning....keeps me asking what I can do for him. "I don't know" he says feebly. 

I go to him....to see what I can do. Tears are in his eyes and he needs a tissue. His stomach is in pain and he asked for a pain med for his leg pain. Gave him one.

Compassion.....is my middle name.  Damned Fool is my first.  You can call me any name that you would like.

He's in alot of pain. Keep getting up to him and getting him on his potty. Feels like he needs to shit and he doesn't.  Back and forth. No sooner get him back up on the bed and covered and he gets the urge to go again.  I get the feeling that I should get myself dressed in case he agrees with me that he needs medical help. So far he is saying no. 

 Jill came home loaded around 9 last night and I got into it with her.  It wasn't pretty and poor Logan was subjected to emotional abuse from her which made me more irate than I already was.

I'm not even trying to be quiet at this hour of the morning.

I'm working on pure adrenelin now.

I won't pretty this up. I want Jill to confront him. I told her last night that it was her wish that I say nothing to him and now that she tells me that she has told people ( even her ex is in the loop ) this needs to come to THE FRONT.  I remember her telling me before we left for FL that he had just propositioned her in the kitchen when she was drunk.  I believed her then and do now. 

My Cheryl told me the other day that he asked her for a kiss and she gave him one on the cheek. No not there he told her. I want a kiss on the lips.  She couldn't believe that she kissed him on the lips as he asked. I don't know why I did that ma....he still has that kind of control on me. 

Today we will get to the crux of this and I learn if there is anything else I should know.  As Jill was hurling words out last night telling me how cruel and cold I was to her,she tossed out my own husband was molesting her.  I asked him if he heard her.  Whether he did or didn't ... he said he didn't. I told him what she had said and that he and she needed to talk in the morning. 

Hubby has quieted down....moaning and groaning has stopped...for now.  

I feel so empty. I can't even cry.

My crime...... I kept hearing...you had me ma.  She was waving a finger in front of my face and screaming this at me.

nana wouldn't have talked to you like you talked to me...was another one she said over and over. Told her "oh yes, she would have." Also told her my mother only had to look at me with hurt in her eyes and that...killed me.  I never raised my voice to my mother.

She was going to leave. Told her not in my car. I'll walk she said. Logan was begging her not to go.  I heard ENOUGH and told her to get the FUCK TO BED.  Nana is kicking us out, she kept telling him. 

We'll be homeless. Poor kid...I could hear him say, maybe we can live with Ryan, maybe we can live with....   She wouldn't do that to you mom.   Finally she is crying in my arms and Logan is saying..she loves you. I love her too, I said.  I told him not to worry, when you drink you say things you don't mean. "I know nana." 

Told him I loved him and not to worry. 

Could hear her in her room talking to him. Wanted to bang on the door and tell her to GO TO SLEEP. It was around nine thrity then.

The phone had rung. Nephew five streets over was without electricity AGAIN. Asked to put some stuff in my fridge so I opened the front door and put on the light and waited for his arrival.  I just wanted to crawl into bed under the covers about then.

Fifteen minutes later I was..... and my head was so full of shit I could not fall asleep.  I finally did...Eleven fifteen hubby needed on the potty and my night began.

Much has been left out........I feel devoid of feeling. 

Something must be wrong with me.

Nephew asked me if I would be awake at 6 a.m.  so they could come get their cream if they had electricity. Guess I will be.

It's 5:45 a.m. I see daylight.

That's All Folks!