Page #4

 Page#4

I don't deserve any happiness. I was a rotten person because I didn't protect you from Mike. I must pay for that mistake with my life and money.
Not for nothing....but I have never heard what you yourself truthfully remember yourself at age 5, and not what Cheryl told you happened to you that you yourself at one time told me that you questioned yourself many times as to if  what happened ( one time)  or if it was planted in your memory by Cheryl. We both know...that Cheryl never is Off The Wall about many things.   Maybe there was some truth...I don't know.  I do know that I never saw him act inappropriately around either of you girls.  YES, you at the end.....when his brain was gone. I didn't see it, but I know you told me the truth. The doctors that cared for him told me it was the damage to his brain from the 4 bleeds in his brain seven years before. His words and actions were a result, they explained. It wasn't HIM, they said.  It was very hard for me to accept as FACT. On top of that, I was watching him die, hating him for what he was doing to you ( propositioning you) and on top of that you were giving me more grief  watching you drink and causing your own sons grief and heartache. We both confronted him and he acted like for all the world like he didn't know what we were talking about. Acted  and sounded confused and denied it. More than once. I can still hear him saying, ":what did I do, what did I do" and looking for all the world that he had no idea what we were talking about.  Whether he really didn't remember anything, I will never know. I will just have to live with the fact that he did do and say inappropriate things and I will never know if he was faking not remembering.
Since he passed away, you have  added and added to your description of his words and actions.
Now...it gets worst and worst, as if that's possible.
I'd have remembered those things that you claim to have told me.
I'd have liked to have been able to mourn the man, but even that's not possible. I take comfort in the fact that he wasn't All Bad. He was a human being...had faults ( lots ), but he loved me/us and put up with a Hell of a lot from every one of you kids. More than your own fathers did!  He could have had an easier life without us.
I wish I could make things all better, but I can't. It's called "the past."

Please get the help you need. Do it for yourself. If you continue drinking you will not live to see your grands and great grands as I have. It's of your own choice. Life is all about CHOICES and while I have had to give up who I am in order to see all of you grown into adulthood, it was worth it! It wasn't about ME, it was about All Of You! You were my responsibility the moment you came into this world and I made a life for you the only way I knew how. There are no redo's...as much as I wish there were.
You can't save Gilby. He has to want that for himself. Please stop shooting him down with your mean tongue when he is in the presence of others. He knows that he is a drug addict. He admits it!
You don't have to repeatedly tell people  when you are amongst others ( that are not family)  and he is with you hearing your every word.  . It killed me inside to hear him begging you to stop drinking the other night. His words and emotions were rife with pain and suffering. It isn't all about you. It isn't about any of us! We all bleed and feel pain. It isn't about who has suffered the most! You heard and listened to those women speakers at the AA Meeting that you, Gil, Ed and myself went to. They lost everything to their drinking. Kids, marriage, job, home. Everything! Drinking destroyed their lives. No one could tell them anything. They had to hit bottom before they sought help and stopped. They are and always will be...a recovering alcoholic.  I hope and pray that doesn't happen to you before you seek help. IT could happen...or is this just wishful thinking on my part.

I've said what I wanted to say...without you turning everything around on me and getting me on the defensive, as is your way.
My home isn't something that I look forward to coming home to. Something is wrong with this picture.
All I've asked you to do is work with me and you can't even give me that.
It's your Choice. When you hit bottom, I will not be there for you. Hurts to write those words, but I won't go down for someone that didn't give a shit about themselves. You made your bed...CHOICES!


( did sign it,,, Love,Mom)


I have heard nothing from her in regards to this letter. We do talk, but not about this letter.
She continues to drink.
I poured my heart out to her...could have said more...maybe should have said less.....and yes....wish I had worded some things  differently.
Michelle told me today that Jill felt like she has lost both her parents when I decided to spend most of my time with Ed.
Am I supposed to feel guilty now that I have some happiness...........................
I am going to choose to look at it as another EXCUSE she needed to drink. I was HERE every day seven years ago when she decided to drink until she was drunk. She did that without me holding her hand.  Chose to ignore my warnings that she was going down the wrong path and still chooses to ignore them.
She has yet to admit that she is an alcoholic. Gilby admits that he is a drug addict.
Someone else that he knew, overdosed yesterday. Eighteen years old. Her name was Jackie.
There is another home and loved ones feeling grief and wondering what they could have done differently. So sad. It's always us that are left behind that thinks we could have made the changes for them.
I read somewhere once...and it left a profound impact in my mind...." Those that take their lives only die once, but the ones that loved them .....die many times ...every day."

(((hugs)))

Just watched Kate and Will walk out the front door of the hospital with Kate holding her new son and the surge of remembering the first time that I held each of mine was ...over powering. Tears of joy and remembering formed.
May they have many happy years with their son and any other children of that union.


Wed. 7/31  Gil was admitted to a rehab.

That's All Folks!