We danced to his stereo after we re-arranged his livingroom like he has wanted to for awhile now ( it was nice to be included and asked to put my touches to it ), we kissed, we touched, we felt. we talked in depth at times. All WAS GOOD!
Going on towards 6 p.m. I felt I needed to shower before bed and did. Put on pajamas and returned to sit in the livingroom as we normally do in our respective lounge chairs with our lap tops.
Just an every day normal evening before bed.
Close to 8 p.m., (his normal time to retire to bed )I said I was ready to turn in. He had forgot to turn the warming blanket on the bed on and while he was cleaning up in his bathroom, I dived in bed with my jammies on.
When he came to bed he mentioned me wearing pj's and I kissed and nuzzled him playfully and kiddingly told him the honeymoon was over. He stiffened up. I removed my bottoms and left the top on thinking that he would remove it. WRONG!
He mutters something about when the woman says there will be no bedroom antics or something to that effect that it's the woman that calls the shots. Some crazy shit like that.
I removed my top. LIKE A FOOL, I must admit now!
He still remains silent and not moving after I asked him for a kiss and he complied. . Like WTF! Perplexed and beginning to get pissed off now....., I rolled over and faced away from him. Two fucking hours we lay there ( both awake.) Then he turned the tv on low. Fifteen minutes or so later ( I'm beginning to seethe by then ) he shuts the tv off, dresses and leaves the room. I take this opportunity to put my pj's on as a signal to him when he returns that there will be no touchy feely now PERIOD. I'm too fucking old to play mind games. I shit you not!
He returns another ten minutes or so later, slips into bed ( dressed ) and asks me, "are you awake?" "Yup" , I answered curtly. "You want me to take you home", he asks. "Yup", I answered just as curtly, to which I added that I was too old for games. His reply was, "you don't have to explain anything to me."
Silently I gathered my purse, my meds and a few other small incidentals. Threw on my coat over my pj's and headed to leave. He asked me if I knew where his cell phone was. I nicely told him and pointed to where it sat on his coffee table. "Thank you", he says and out to his car we go. It's 11:25 p.m. FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????? INSANITY!
Neither of us spoke on the way home. My mind was saying, "I can't believe this shit!"
We pull into my driveway at 12:35 a.m. and there sits a pickup truck. Looked like I had another confrontation on my hands. SOAB! I ask him what a good time it would be for me to return for my belongings today was. "Anytime is good", he answers in a soft voice. He starts to talk...about us...about the Whine Bucket being here ( he suspected as much that Jill was letting him back in )and I needed to follow through on throwing his ass out, etc.,etc. In our conversation I let him know that I meant nothing by wearing pj's and didn't I behave playfully, etc., etc. Yes, he admitted, but said "you don't joke about our love." Gimmee a fucking break here............WTF!
Asked if I wanted to return to Natick with him and I told him I did. Then he tells me I need to get rid of the whine bucket first. I told him if I went inside and embarrassed myself as to explain why I came home in the middle of the night, I would stay home. He tells me that "I am an enabler." "Yes, I am", I said, but I can let Jill know that I knew his truck was there in the morning and go from there. Again I heard the word "enabler" and I reached for my things with one hand and the car door with the other. He asked if I would be coming back out and I told him "no."
Up the front steps I went ( Ed turned his high beams on so I could see better ) and I tried to unlock the door. NO GO! Pounded on grandson Gil's bedroom window again and again. Dogs begin to bark. Next I began to ring the doorbell and the dogs went crazy barking. I kept pressing the doorbell. FINALLY, I hear Jill coming to open the door. Ed was still waitng for me to get inside. Jill opened the door and I saw a male figure there in the darkened livingroom with her and told him to get the fuck out. Ut oh...it was George and old boyfriend of hers. I told him I had thought he was Butchie and turned to catch Ed before he left the driveway. Walked back out to his car which was now at the end of the driveway and told him it was George an ex boyfriend inside. (Whether he believed it or not, I don't care.) Then he asked if I had a kiss for an old fool and I leaned inside and kissed him like I meant the kiss and the tears began. He asked if I would change my mind and go back with him to his place. I told him,no". I told him I have been hurt for most of my life and I was not going to die being hurt. Love shouldn't hurt, I told him and I walked away.
I am the kind of person that internalizes. I don't yell and swear. I'd like to think that I can get over this and continue what we had, but I have my doubts. Serious doubts. I shut doors in my heart when I'm hurt by a man. That way..the pain is less bearable. So, I'd like to think..anyway. Hurt is HURT!
NEXT...........I notice Jill's car missing and I ask. Gil snuck off with it. Right away my BP shot up and when I heard he took her ATM card as well, it went up even higher. Now I begin to sound like a raving maniac telling her that I can't take much more of this shit. Told her I wanted to leave for parts unknown and have her brother in FL sell the house. This shit has to end, I told her. OH! Did I forget to mention that she had a red solo cup on the table when she let me inside ( which she proceeded to drink?) No, I didn't. Did I!
George is another LUSH! He sits drinking beer at the VFW from 10 am. to 5 p.m. DAILY! Then DRIVES!
I hear her on the phone and it sounds like she is talking to her son Gil. I inquired once she hung up. She left him a message that if he wasn't back with her car and ATM card PRONTO that she would report her car missing.
It's 1:30 a.m. now. He came home. I heard from her that he took whatever amount of money she had in the bank out. He came into my room and hugged me and told me he was sorry for the hurt he has caused me. Told me that he loved me and I told him I loved him, but I can't take much more of his shit. Then...she asked me about the long letter she is seeing up on my computer screen as I am busily pounding away at the keys and I told her it was my journal. "Can your children read it someday" she asks. I told her no cause they wouldn't like what they read. I told her the pain some of them have given me goes beyond HURT and I or no mother deserves the pain they keep inflicking on me emotionally.
I'm sitting here wondering how all this transpired... There have been times in these past few hours that I felt more pissed off than others...yelling out loud that if I want to wear two fucking bathrobes on top of my pajamas to bed, I WILL!
I should not have to explain why I do...what I do...to no one and damn it, I won't!
Yeah...I'm hurt. Better to be hurt than sorry later....so the saying goes.
Pea...you were right. I rushed into this too fast, but damned it felt good while it lasted.
I feel like such a damned fool for being so vunerable. I'm going to miss it all if I close my heart to him. It was beginning to feel ALL THAT and MORE.
Oh Hell... I've let everything slide to spend more time with him. Yeah, it's true that his house is more comfortable ...and PEACEFUL, but I do miss my shit house in distress....at times . Maybe this is for the best, but right now it doesn't feel like it.
Posting this is going to be hard. Those of you that are my friends ...know just how hard.
(((hugs)))
Gil is still up and awake heating food in the microwave at 2:16 a.m. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!.
Yeah! I need my head examined. I shit you not!
That's All Folks!
It's 7a.m. Ed has emailed me and called. I'm heading to Natick to see if we can talk this out.
THIS TIME!
