Too busy...sometimes.
Sometimes a combination of the two.
There are times that I am torn between wanting to be in my home and on the other hand, I want to be with Ed in his home or the motor home. It's like there is no keeping me happy. :0(
He loves me, he's good to me and shows me how much I mean to him in every way. :0)
THEN...there are the times that he questions my motives for being with him. (His self esteem about the ED thing, etc. ) has him questioning whether I am with him because I love him orrrrrrrr am I running away from my troubles at home. He can't believe (his words) a woman that all a man could ever want....chose him.
Truth be told....I miss my home...., I feel like I am giving up a lot to be with him in that respect, but I get many rewards from being with him. (Not the monetary kind.) He's the kind of man I've always wanted. he speaks from the heart and OFTEN! :0) Words, deeds, touches.
This was not his MO in the past,.( he now has regrets) His marriage was quite different from what we have together, but it was the only thing he knew and he was very happy for those 57 years. His marriage was solid and while there was always "I love you's", he now realizes there could have been more. It worked, why fix something that wasn't broke! NOW, he knows a different way and is also very happy for this second chance at love.
I wish that Mike could have been more expressive, but IT was the only thing he knew and thought his actions spoke louder than words. A combination would have been better....for me anyway. He thought words were a sign of weakness and actions showed strength. I may have questioned his love for me at times, but I have no doubt that he loved me. While I know that Ed and Mike were much different spouses, I feel sorry for Ed, Mike, Myrtle and myself. Life is a learning experiencing and some people never get it. Ed and I are trying to write a different script for us. :0)
Sometimes I think that I don't deserve to be happy and my words/actions may ruin what I have with Ed. When he questions as to whether I am with him because of HIM or as an escape from my troubles, I feel like tossing what I have with him away....just to show him that my home life isn't the reason that I am with him. Silliness, huh! The "shit" at home is there and with me where ever I am! I shit you not! In doing so...I'd hurt him...I'd hurt myself. BUT...there again it comes to the forefront.....Mike and Myrtle didn't get another chance. Why me??? !!!!
Enough of this prattle!!!
Lest I forget....I and my stubbornness can be my own worst enemy! I shit you not!
Later today there came an "opening." We talked. I think we have a better understanding of each other. I was forth right and told him I was happy at home and in his as well. In being with him, I was leaving the chicken coop un-attended and I can't have it both ways. Not that I am not going to stop having my cake and eat it too. I shit you not!
That's All Folks!
